“You can put lipstick on an Alaskan Governor, but it's still a bitch.”
Sarah Michael Palin was born February 30, 1968 in Idaho, is the Neocon governor of Alaska and the Republican Party nominee for the office of Vice President in the 2008 United States presidential election. She is best known for being the second craziest candidate running for Vice President in 2008, and recently surpassed singer Yoko Ono as the top result for the Google search "crazy talentless bitch".
The mother of five, she is a certified self-rejuvenating non-virgin who enjoys eating caribou, burning books and saying things like "Math is hard!" when you pull the string on the back of her neck. The movie "The Cutting Edge"(1992) is based loosely on Palin's courtship with her husband.
Palin was born deep beneath Idaho (some say she was spawned in Hell but close enough), and when she was young her family moved to Inuit country, far above the arctic circle, to get away from black people and homosexuals.
As a child, Palin had few
cronies friends. To amuse herself she took up the hobby of putting lipstick on her family pets, which swiftly became an obsession. To date, she has applied it liberally to pitbulls, pigs, and her children. At one point, she even considered opening a pet-lipstick store.
Prior to her life in public service, she earned the nickname "naughty librarian" for her young looks, glasses and effective shushing sound. In fact, her glasses apparently give her the extraordinary ability to see the Russia from anywhere in her home state.
Sarah Palin is a proud member of the New World Order and wants to continue on the proud George Bush legacy in the White House if elected so she can become a female Dick Cheney and use John McCain as her sockpuppet to push her own agenda, start more unjust wars for oil that only her company can profit from.
Political career, seriously!Edit
After escaping the liberal filter of five universities, Palin ultimately got her journalism degree directly from the American public in 1988. She had to shoot at a few liberal professors when they threatened to flunk her for being a Republican, and then they changed her grades to an A in agreement that she stop shooting and putting lipstick on them. She then married her high school sweetheart who carried her off to live in his family's ancestral igloo. The couple lived happily, quietly making babies, until Palin was overcome with a yen for some Chinese food. So they packed up the family and headed for Wasilla, Alaska - civic motto, "Home of Wasillapalooza!". They then became the Wasilla Hillbillies (Like the Beverly Hillbillies but only more ultra right-wing conservative) and adapted to Alaskan lifestyles.
Showing her impeccable Republican credentials as Mayor, she took a town with no debt, and, by the end of her term, and left it 22 million dollars in the red. By the end of her term, there were just 6,000 people in the town. Most died when she declared war on witches and industrial machines, others left, and others just never existed, some where just snowmen and snowwomen and melted due to Global Warming, probably another counting mistake by the townspeople. Palin raised property taxes 33% while cutting taxes on business which may account for some people moving.
As Governor, she enthusiastically accepted the infamous "Bridge to Nowhere" earmark, raised taxes, and caused the enormous budget deficit, by doing the same thing. This terrible record caused John McCain to select her as his running mate, fearing what he learned about her from ancient legends was true.
Disney plans to make a movie about her called The Alaskan Hockey Mom with Matt Damon starring as her Eskimo husband, who lost his memory and ended up working for the CIA and tried to figure out who he was before the movie was over only to help out his Hockey Mom Wife defeat the Russians. In the movie, the Hockey Mom takes on Vladimir Putin and stops him from invading Atlanta, Georgia using tricks and skills she learned in the hockey rink. In the climactic final scene, the hockey goalie-turned figure skater wins the love of his icy partner, just in time to lead the Mighty Ducks to victory against Ivan Drago, played by Baldwin brother Emilio Estevez.
A controversial nomineeEdit
Palin's time as governor has been extremely productive. In her 20 months, she has earned an unimpeachable reputation for impolite manners, ineffective hand shaking, and weak foreign policy experience, consisting of longing gazes across the Aleutians. She has the undying support of Ultra-Feminist Left, the Ultra-Religious Right, and the Ultra-Secessionist North, who she is frequently seen Palin around with. She also retains the support of Christians everywhere who are relieved that she is not a black man with a funny sounding name.
The Ultra-Secular-Sexist Left accuse Palin of conspiring with the Christianists in the Religious Right, whoever they are, though it sounds like a word they made up at the last minute. In fact Democratic Representative Steve Cohen compared Sarah Palin to Pontius Pilate and Barack Obama to Jesus, claiming that Jesus was a community organizer like Obama and Pontius Pilate was a governor like Palin. This viewpoint is flawed though, as clearly Pilate actually accomplished things during his reign, nailing Jesus to a cross notwithstanding. It is true, however, that she has excellent hand washing habits.
As Vice President, Palin hopes to travel overseas for the first time, and spread her "twinkle and shine" personality to American allied countries, from England to the UK. However, she is also nervous about how much it will hurt when her ears pop.
She supports government funding for book-burnings on a bridge to nowhere with her pregnant daughter opening the event by reciting the entire Bible in tongues and draped in snakes. She is also fond of firing librarians and police troopers over divorces with relatives. Since she never eats anything (to keep herself trim), she is especially power-hungry. If a citizen walks down the street and does not recognize her, she will order him to be fired from his job. If a citizen is displaying their religion outwardly, and it is not Christian, that citizen will be "Disappeared".
A Palin PresidencyEdit
It is widely rumored that Sarah Palin, if she ascends to the White House, will be a masterful negotiator against terrorists. Osama bin Laden has been known to recoil in horror over the thought of facing a chocolate-deprived President Palin afflicted with PMS. It is also thought that she will secure all toilet seats in the White House by covalent bonding in the "down" position. Male staffers in the White House (including Vice President Rush Limbaugh) will be forced to sit down to urinate.
Palin became an overnight sensation, appeared on many televisions show and became in such demand that she could not fulfill all her obligations. The McCain campaign contracted an unknown look-a-like named Tina Fey to expand her media footprint. She had a nice interview with Katie Couric, and another with Charlie Gibson. Then she appeared on "Match Game", "30 Rock", "Dancing with the Stars", and Saturday Night Live. She has wanted to appear on the ABC program "The View" with Barbara Walters and Whoopi Goldberg, but the View was canceled that day, so the View co-hosts could volunteer for ACORN and register fictitious people for Obama. It has been confirmed that all of the 30 Rock appearances, many of the SNL appearances, and possibly the Katie Couric interview were all performed by Tina Fey.
The stain of the unwed daughterEdit
Palin is a staunch anti-abortionist. To drive this point home, she is making her daughter Bristol keep the prepublican fetus that she created and is now growing her in pre-teen womb. In addition, her daughter's boyfriend will be neutered to prevent future pregnancies from occurring.
Palin has said "While Bristol is sobbing almost twenty-four hours a day over how she has ruined her life, I'm looking forward to seeing her suffer. I am also thanking God because now I get to be the mother of the bride!"
According to Palin's staff, "This is Governor Palin's way of saying 'Yes Bristol is the shame of our family. But she is going to have the baby and she is going to become the poster child for doing the right thing.'" Palin also is arranging a funeral for the young man who knocked her up. Palin feels this is tough love and the way the country should be managed. Fear her, fear her, or else suffer the same fate as her daughter and her daughter's baby's daddy.
By doing so, Sarah sets the imperfect example. As long as we get rid of contraceptives and simply show our children the joys and pleasures of abstinence we can all have pregnant teen daughters, and teen sons who are forced at mooseriflepoint to marry the first girl they have a fumble with during a particularly boring Math class. This system will surely provide a stable and loving home for their children. It will also cause another Baby Boom and increase the population of the USA to pass up China.
Debating the deadbeatEdit
On October 3, 2008, Palin stepped up to the plate and won the Best Performance by a Vice Presidential Candidate in Repeating Memorized Catch-phrases and Clichés at a Political Debate award, given by the Stepford Housewives for Palin Club; Stepford, Connecticut. The award is given to the best female candidate who opposes Joe Biden in any debate for the Vice Presidency which occurs in Saint Louis, Missouri (2007-2009). While Palin was a three to one favorite to win the coveted award, members of her club were nonetheless relieved that she won, because as club President Danica Nicole Jordan put it, "Sarah Palin embodies our very hopes for this great country, this United States in America,". Club members agree that Palin was wise to declare at the beginning of the debate her refusal to answer questions, even though she actually knew the answers to some of them. "Rules don't apply to Sarah Palin," said Jordan. The Neocons rigged the debate so that Sarah Palin would win. Rush Limbaugh was quoted as saying "Rules apply to everyone else, but never to the very-best-woman-to-ever-be-nominated Vice President of this grand white country of ours!"
Palin enjoys hunting random animals from her helicopter. These include: wolves, caribou, polar bears, moose, seals, manatees, small children, dreams, and Aleutian Indians. She is known to eat the remains of all of them.
- UnNews:Palin defends credentials in UnNews Interview
- Margaret Thatcher
- Republican Party
- A history of white people
- God-Fearing Republicans
- Hockey Mom
- Dan Quayle
- Soccer moms
- The United States is totally screwed