“I, Governor Sarah Palin give Governor Sarah Palin a full and complete pardon for the trooper thingy.”
“Michael Palin is no longer the funniest Palin.”
Sarah Michael Palin is a celebrity hooker and Tea Party spokesmodel exclusive only to John McCain's black cock. She was born February 30, 1968 in Alaska and now lives on television. Serving alongside her half-wit husband, Todd, she was the half-ass governor of the "Alaskan Polar Bear Liaison", and because of this was the 2008 Republican Party nominee for the office of Vice President of the United States. As the author of a ghostwritten book and over eighty tweets she is regarded by conservative Republicans as an intellectual colossus.
Sarah is such an experienced and well qualified politician that she has been compared to Winston Churchill and Charles DeGaulle. Unfavorably. Republicans across America were confused, "Who are these people!?" they said.
Sarah is best known for sticking a pineapple up her vagina and processing it into neat, edible chunks. Palin's muff is noteworthy for the fact that it has a four star restaurant attached to the side of it, which Gordon Brown thought was a six.
edit Early Life
Palin was born prematurely when her mother unexpectedly announced that she was quitting her pregnancy only half way to term. Her parents were Rapture Republicans who lived deep beneath Idaho and only occasionally came to the surface to kill animals and watch for the arrival of Jesus. When Sarah was young her family moved to Inuit country, far above the Arctic circle, to get away from black people and homosexuals. Although she was born with her head up her ass and foot in her mouth, years of surgery and counseling enabled her to pull her foot out even as her head remains permanently stuck in the bowels of her rectum. A team of distinguished scientists who examined Palin in 2009 confirmed that she is the dumbest person on the planet. The only reason she was elected Governer of Alaska is because, well, it is Alaska after all.
As a child, Palin had few
cronies friends. To amuse herself she took up the hobby of putting lipstick on her family pets, which swiftly became an obsession. To date, she has applied it liberally to pit bulls, pigs, her children, and especially herself. In her teens, Palin competed in several beauty contests and was crowned "Miss Alaska". A caribou, moose and shrew were placed second, third and fourth respectively in the competition.
Prior to her life in public service, she earned the nickname "bespectacled cunt-brarian" for her young looks, glasses and effective shushing sound (which is generally followed with a subtle "ya know, jeese louuwheeese"). In fact, her glasses apparently give her the extraordinary ability to see the Russia--but evidently not Africa--from anywhere in her home state. She also spent several years as a customer liaison for the fortune 500 company "Hooters", working for client satisfaction in one of the local branches.
edit Political career, SRSLY!
After escaping the liberal filter of five universities, Palin ultimately got her journalism degree directly from God himself in 1988. She then married her high school sweetheart who carried her off to live in his family's ancestral igloo. The couple lived happily, quietly making babies (Track, Bristol, Trig, Sofa, Carport and Lobotomy), and watching their babies turn into teenagers and making babies of their own, until Palin was overcome with a yen for helicopter moose huntin'. So they packed up the family and headed for Wasilla, Alaska - civic motto, "Home of Wasillapalooza".
Showing her impeccable Republican credentials as Mayor, she took a town with no debt, and, by the end of her term, left it 22 million dollars in the red. By the end of her term, there were just 6,000 people in the town. Most died when she declared war on witches, industrial machines, birth control, and science class. Others left, and others just never existed, probably another drunken counting mistake by the townspeople.
As Governor, she enthusiastically promoted the infamous "Bridge to Nowhere", even going so far as to accept funds for this purpose, but when her political enemies complained, she showed her radical, maverick, renegade ability to cave to pressure, and just accepted the "Road to Nowhere" instead. She also raised/lowered taxes, and caused/cured the enormous budget deficit, by reforming/doing the same thing. In a bid to provide openness and transparency to the taxpayers, Palin issued an executive order that all official state business was to be carried out on Yahoo Mail. Palin's outstanding accomplishments caused John McCain to select her as his running mate, hoping that their combined maverickness would win the support of independent swing voters.
edit Resignation and Shame
In early July 2009 Palin announced her resignation from the governorship in order to devote herself full time to being stupid. All seven of her supporters were disappointed.
A petition was started to try to convince her to remain in office, but it was unable to gain any signatures, as her supporters can't spell their names and are suspicious of ballpoint pens, which they regard as satanic.
stupid controversial nominee
Palin's time as governor has been extremely productive. In her twenty months, she has earned an unimpeachable reputation for polite manners, effective hand shaking, and strong foreign policy experience, consisting of longing gazes across the Aleutians. She has the undying support of Ultra-Feminist Left, the Ultra-Religious Right, and the Ultra-Secessionist North, who she is frequently seen Palin around with. She also retains the support of Christians everywhere who are relieved that she is not a black man with a funny sounding name. Their Yeshau looks more like one of the Bee Gees and less like Danny de Vito.
The Ultra-Secular-Sexist Left accuse Palin of conspiring with the Christian Illuminati in the Religious Right, whoever they are, though it sounds like something they made up at the last minute. In fact Democratic Representative Steve Cohen compared Sarah Palin to Pontius Pilate and Barack Obama to Jesus, claiming that Jesus was a community organizer like Obama and Pontius Pilate was a governor like Palin. This viewpoint is flawed though, as clearly Pilate actually accomplished things during his reign, nailing Jesus to a cross notwithstanding. It is true, however, that she has excellent hand washing habits.
As Vice President, Palin hoped to travel overseas for the first time, and spread her "twinkle and shine" personality to all remaining American allied countries, England and Israel (for whom Jesus has a special place up in Heaven, dont'cha know?)
She supports government funding for book-burnings, nailing theoretical physicists to crosses, and execution of the mentally handicapped, while her daughter opens the events by reciting the entire Bible in tongues while draped in snakes.
Contrary to popular belief, Sarah Palin is not homophobic: she announced that she would tolerate homosexuals long enough to be elected. Among the GOP, this makes Palin a Progressive. When thrown into the spotlight, she reluctantly conceded that gays should be able to visit their dying partner in the
concentration camp hospital.
She is also fond of firing state troopers over divorces with relatives. Since she does not believe in psychotherapy, her subordinates have hired Dr. Yon Lee, a North Korean refugee, for advice on dealing with untreated power madness in a leader. Palin's publicist defends her as "firm but fair": if a citizen walks down the street and does not recognize her, Palin will order him to be fired from his job. If a citizen displays their religion outwardly, and it is not a state-approved sect of Christianity, that citizen will be "Disappeared".
One of her more radical policies is a complete overhaul of the school science curriculum across all states. She planned to replace the Theory of Evolution and the Big Bang Theory with the teachings of the Church of Scientology, and to remove all trace of any contradicting evidence from books permitted in school. She also planned to force students to attend a compulsory sermon on the Flying Spaghetti Monster every day, before lessons. These changes were met with outrage from the scientific community; however, when questioned, she claimed to be being persecuted over her faith and ignored the queries.
Tina Fey was the original choice as nominee for VP, but Sarah Palin swung commando style through her window, beat her up and locked her in a cupboard. After Fey's mysterious disappearance, Sarah Palin won the nomination after making a strong impression on John McCain.
In late October 2008, mere weeks before the election, it was revealed that Palin had received nearly 150 million dollars in clothing, jewelry, and fine art masterpieces from the McCain campaign. Palin's family also received gifts of travel and the Hope Diamond. When asked about the legality of such lavish gifts, the McCain campaign responded that, since the funds came from Cindy McCain's personal checking account, and not the Carlyle Group, they did not violate campaign finance rules.
On November 5th, Palin was sent back to Alaska with a fabulous copy of America, the Home Game.
edit Television appearances
Palin became an overnight sensation, appeared on many televisions show and became in such demand that she could not fulfill all her obligations. The McCain campaign contracted an unknown look-a-like named Tina Fey to expand her media footprint. She had a nice interview with Katie Couric, and another with Charlie Gibson. Then she appeared on "Match Game", "30 Rock", "Dancing with the Stars", and Saturday Night Live. She has wanted to appear on the ABC program "The View" with Barbara Walters and Whoopi Goldberg, but the View was canceled that day, so the View co-hosts could volunteer for ACORN and register fictitious people for Obama. It has been confirmed that all of the 30 Rock appearances, many of the S.N.L. appearances, and the best parts of the Katie Couric interview were performed by Tina Fey.
In 2010 she joined Mike Huckabee, Newt Gingrinch, Tim Pawlenty, Mitt Romney, and Carl Paladino as part of the Fox News team.
In June 2011 Palin kicked off her 2012 Presidential campaign with an important speech on Paul Revere's famous ride through Boston in 1492, in which she reminded Americans that "as he rode his horse through town, ringin' those bells and firin' those guns to warn the British not to mess with our Second Amendment rights and the Bible and not to take that tea from those unborn patriots, they knew that if they tried to attack Pearl Harbor our foundling fathers would never let the flag be burned without that birth certificate and God hates fags also".
edit The stain of the unwed daughter
Palin is a staunch anti-abortionist. To drive this point home, she is making her daughter Bristol keep the prepublican fetus that she created and is now growing in her teenage womb. In addition, her daughter's boyfriend will be forced into a loveless baby-making relationship with a chick he figured he was just Fucking.
According to Palin's staff, "This is Governor Palin's way of saying 'Yes Bristol is the shame of our family. But she is going to have the baby and she is going to become the poster child for doing the right thing.'" Palin also is arranging a funeral for the young man who knocked her up.
By doing so, Sarah sets the perfect example. As long as we get rid of contraceptives and simply show our children the joys and pleasures of abstinence we can all have pregnant high-school dropout daughters, and high-school dropout sons who are forced at rifle-point to marry the first girl they have a fumble with during a particularly boring Math class. This system will surely provide a stable and loving home for their children.
Lightning does indeed strike twice, as Palin's other daughter Willow also had an unwed child, with New York Yankee, Alex Rodriguez. It's unsure it Willow Palin was trying to upstage her older sister, or rebel against her mother. Though, everyone is looking forward to seeing if the baby can play better than A-rod.
Palin's husband, a self-described "Eskimo" (coinciding with the GOP's policy of thoroughly abolishing political correctness) received a DUI two decades ago (he had mistaken a putting green for a parking space). On the matter, Palin has pronounced: "The LIBERAL media informs us that my husband's minor criminal offense is quite important and relevant. To them I say that this man is mine, and let any who come to me in their hearts be absolved of all prior sin."
There have been numerous accusations that Governor Palin is a GILF. These come after several cable news pundits commented that they wouldn't mind banging her. One caller countered these claims by stating: "Dude! She's, like, old, like your grandmother." Another caller said: "Who gives a shit? She's fucking hot! Think Morgan Fairchild only crazy!" Bill O'Reilly is on record as saying "I would love to get a bite to eat with this classy lady! Nothing too fancy, but maybe just a couple of loofahs from that cart down the block. Then we'd hump."
edit Email Hacking Incident
Sarah was selected by John McCain after realizing that the other VP prospects were all a bunch of boring white guys. Anonymous claimed to have hacked Sarah Palin's Yahoo account (her password was: "lipstick") and posted pictures all over the Internet. This is either the greatest social engineering hack, or the greatest troll on the Internet yet. Sarah Palin grabbed a moose rifle and hunted down all involved and shot them before skinning and eating them. Those whom Sarah Palin did not catch are being hunted down by the F.B.I., and will be Detained.
edit Debating the deadbeat
On October 3rd, 2008, Palin stepped up to the plate and won the Best Performance by a Vice Presidential Candidate in Repeating Memorized Catch-phrases and Clichés at a Political Debate award, given by the Stepford Housewives for Palin Club; Stepford, Connecticut. The award is given to the best female candidate who opposes Joe Biden in any debate for the Vice Presidency which occurs in Saint Louis, Missouri (2007-2009). While Palin was a three to one favorite to win the coveted award, members of her club were nonetheless relieved that she won, because as club President Danica Nicole Jordan put it, "Sarah Palin embodies our very hopes for this great country, this United States in America,". Club members agree that Palin was wise to declare at the beginning of the debate her refusal to answer questions, even though she actually knew the answers to some of them. "Rules don't apply to Sarah Palin," said Jordan.
edit Post-Governor Years
Since quitting her job as governor, Sarah Palin has prayed for and been granted superhuman powers by Republican Jesus. She now fights liberalism as Hockey Mom Woman, armed with powers far beyond those of Ann Coulter: Able to give political speeches for one million dollars each, she uses a magic golden automatic assault rifle to shoot down RINOs. She is the leader of a group of angry voters known as "Mamma Grizzlies"--these are Republican women who are covered all over with body hair, weigh 600 pounds, and smell like bears. Two of her most faithful followers are popular Nevada standup comic Sharon Angal and anti-masturbation crimefighter Christine O'Donald, who is starring in the film Gidget Goes to Washington after her surprise loss to ACORN candidate Lil' Kim in Delaware's Senate race in November 2010.
edit See also
- Todd Palin
- UnNews:Palin defends credentials in UnNews Interview
- Republican Party
- A history of white people
- God-Fearing Republicans
- Trig Palin
- More Trig Palin
- Tina Fey, wannabe
- Soccer moms
- The United States is totally screwed
edit Scholarly citations
|All-American Role Models and Rejects|
|Adam West | Aunt Jemima | Billy Mays | Blue Beetle | Bob Knight | Bob Saget | Bruce Campbell | Burger King | Cheese Jesus | Christopher Walken | Chuck Norris | Clint Eastwood | Count Chocula | Dolph Lundgren | Eric Cartman | George Carlin | Green Hornet | Hanson | Hillary Clinton | Joe Camel | Kanye West | Knight Rider | MacGyver | Mr. T | Pedobear | Pillsbury Doughboy | Qin Shi Huang | Rick Astley | Ronald McDonald | Sean Connery | Sarah Palin | Sloth | Trix Rabbit | Uncle Ben | Vanilla Ice | William Hung | Willy Wonka | Wonder Woman | Yogi Bear | Your Mom|