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“Hoe! Hoe! Hoe!”
“If I had a nickel for every time I gave a man milk and cookies to go down my chimney... ”
“Claustrophobic. It means he's afraid of Santa Claus. ”
Santa Claus, (also known as Satan Claus, Father Christmas, Kris Kringle, Saint Nicholas, or That fat man stuck in the chimney) is the world's most generous home-invasion artist. He bears gifts to millions of people around the world on Christmas day.
In late childhood and the early teen years, most children begin to doubt and even deny the existence of Santa. This belief is often furthered by the children's parents who are all too happy to take the credit for Santa's deeds and generosity. Reliable reference materials such as this article may set them straight.
Santa was born to the Wizards Diederich and Elisa Claus in the early 4th century in a then-Germanic area of Southern Gelderland (Now a part of the Netherlands). He was originally to be named Satan, but the Satanic priest misspelled his name on the birth certificate as Santa.
As a VERY young man, he attended St John’s College, Oxford. While at university Santa Claus was officially declared a stalker on account of telling everyone that "I know when you are asleep, when you are awake, when you are bad, and when you are good, hell I even know when you're masturbating!" It has also been established that he majored in time travel and clone information systems, and minored in Musical Theater. Upon graduation in 1870, Santa disappears from the historical record. For over a decade he would be parker and unreported, but valuable clues indicate that he began plotting his despicable rise to power during the long solitary nights his journeys forced upon him. Another debacle for Santa Claus was his poor business skills. The only venture capitalists he could convince with his idea of sliding down people's chimneys to eat cookies and hand out gifts were polar bears in the North who had gotten rich by investing the fish business. Despite all logic, the polar bears are continuing to get a very high return on their investment.
Rise to Power
Santa was founded in 1880 by Ben Connor.
"I have always dreamed of becoming a potato. Sometimes I get naked in my closet and lay there for hours imagining that I am a potato" -Satan Claus
In 1882, he was recognized in the company of Oscar Wilde, traveling with the Savoy Theater Acting Troupe throughout the United States. Performing in The Pirates of Penzance as the Modern Major General, he used his earnings to fund his clandestine research into human cloning. After a falling out in early 1883, he left the troupe and struck out on his own. Settling briefly in Texas, he developed a prototype clone which he named Elvis (Spanish for “The Vis,” a reference to his Texan estate "El Vista Del Muerto"). During the next three years, Santaschen made great use of his cloned manservant as a wrestler, bellhop and sex slave (which just proves that he's not only a faggot but he also rides himself sick bastard)
By 1885, Claus realized that he had pushed the limits of existing technology, hindering his goals, and decided to get to work inventing new technology somewhere he could receive greater funding than his private endeavors afforded. Already known for impulsive, decisive action, he felt the time was right for a return to Germany and left almost without preparation. His manservant-clone Elvis was abandoned in Texas to his own fate, a decision that would have fateful consequences for Satan in the years to come.
By 1890, the Clone changed his name to “Santa” in order to escape tax collection, and decided to leave the United States for good,because he realized that one day, it would be run by Barack Obama (see Pokemon). Selecting the (at that time) unsettled North Pole. There he mated with local women, and thanks to his enhanced DNA, his children reached full maturity within 8 months, though due to such rapid development, their maximum height was limited to 2 feet. By 1910, his offspring, now referring to themselves as “Santa’s children,” or simply as “Elves,” would number in the tens of thousands.
Back in Germany, Satan spent the rest of the 1880s working on robot and cyborg technologies, and in 1890, he unveiled his prototype Cyborg, Roy Horn. The Cyborgs mastery of Homoeroticism and Tiger training proved invaluable to the German Army. The German government, led by Bismark, North Dakota were so pleased that they immediately ordered 500 cyborg soldiers and promoted Santaschen to Brigadier General. Claus was now powerful and world famous. Little did he know that the clichéd sentence you are reading would transition so effectively to the next section, in which his fortunes turned sharply southward.}}
Santa was fired for lying about his age. When Santa filled out his application, he lied about his age saying he was 40 years old. Even Chad Thomas fired Santa for lying to him about his age. Santa is unemployed, and sits at the North Pole today watching TV.
Santa Claus' Modern Operations
Today, a person named "Santa Claus" (not to be confused with fugitive Santa Claus) is the president of a corporation known as North Pole Incorporated. It is a privately traded corporation whose stock holders are mostly sneaky investors, the Claus family, and employees (known as "elves"). Santa Claus is now an ordinary business man, often found behind his desk on the phone with a cup of hot cocoa. Coal and other useless items are now only issued by request, usually by the parents of naughty children, or as a prank or gag gift. With the exception of those who are eligible for Toys for Tots, customers are required to pay for specific gifts that Santa delivers; surprise gifts are chosen by the customer, not Santa or his elves. Some of the toys delivered by Santa Claus are produced in one of the ten NPI assembly lines around the world, the most well known being located at the original plant at the North Pole, with others mainly located in Asia and Latin America, but many of NPI's toys come from retail stores (most notably Toys R Us), wholesale clubs, and direct purchases from the manufacturer. In most cases, Santa Claus does not actually visit individual residences, but instead visits regional distribution centers where elves collect and sort massive loads of presents for delivery. One regional distribution center typically is responsible for an area the size of Texas, and employs hundreds of elves who must process thousands or even millions of presents all in one night. Although Santa Claus is a generous man who loves children and really does care for his elves, the corporation has become a cold, ruthless empire where greed prevails. Claus himself, is a sensible conservative, but his voice in the company has been overshadowed by power hungry liberals.
Modern elves are usually not the traditional midgets depicted in films and print material, but rather teenagers and young adults who are paid less than minimum wage, with the only notable exception being the young children of developing nations who work for food and shelter. To become an elf, one must attend a school or college whose colors include red or green, often resulting in students of schools whose colors do not include red or green receiving coal or hate mail along with their presents or other unauthorized pranks due to school rivalry. Employment is by invitation only, and the "recruiters" often represent "elfhood" as a "once in a life time opportunity to gain experience, see the world, and receive and benefits that most could only dream of." They usually seek student athletes and JROTC cadets, attempting to convince ball players, cheerleaders, weightlifters, JROTC PT team members, and other students likely capable of heavy lifting to give up their school activities in favor of employment with NPI. Similarily, recruiters seek honors/AP students, business students, medical students, JROTC academic team members, and others who are thought to be "smart" for jobs that require brain power. In reality, elfhood involves stressful manual labor or office work (or both), depending on your job title with little pay, and the only benefits one can expect to receive are trivial shares of the company stock. Elves will likely not see the world or even the actual North Pole unless they stay with the company well into adulthood; many elves end up employed in their own neighborhoods. The elf uniform consists of either a green prison-like jump suit (for field laborers) or red polo shirt with black dress pants for males and a black skirt for females (administrators and office workers; admins wear a gold candy cane pin on their collars). On Christmas Eve, elves delivering gifts may have a detective's badge for protection against atheists, non-believers, the Grinch and other haters who may desire to be disruptive. Elves are required to pass a test before job placement; jobs requiring heavy lifting or manual labor must pass a rigorous physical fitness test similar to that required by the U.S. military, and jobs requiring professionalism and intelligence are required to pass a rigorous academic test similar to the SAT. However, it is well known internally that the test proctors frequently pass those who don't meet the official guidelines, resulting in many unqualified individuals being entered into elfhood. Most positions for the technical jobs as job site nurses, IT professionals, and engineers are filled with 90% students and 10% actual professionals. Elves are also often under appreciated by receivers of gifts, especially children; those who wake during an elf's visit are often quite disappointed when they discover that Santa doesn't actually come to their house, and that elves are normal, hard working people rather than the commercially depicted magical midgets serving as Santa's shadow. It's not uncommon to hear ungrateful cries such as "I WANT THE REAL SANTA!" when young children become aware of your presence. In Australia, they believe Santie to be a man in an ATV with a camouflage suit....maybe, something like that.
In early 1971, fans of Santa initiated the In Santa We Trust Charity Project for reindeers who lost their lives in the Christmas trip. They donate every year around 65.000 cookies to the International Reindeers Foundation and half of them go to the Angry Elves Inc. In 1976, when the project was near bankruptcy Saint Nicholas bought it. But, as Saint Nicholas wanted to rename it to "O Good Holly Nicholas", many elves thought it was immoral and childish and protested in front of the Saint Nicholas Church. Nicholas quit and it became a no-owner foundation. Today, it is a Reindeer Church. All the reindeers rejected by Santa go there and start praying for a better life.
In 2008, the U.S. Federal Trade Commission filed a lawsuit against North Pole Incorporated claiming that they had violated American Anti-Trust laws because the company has no competition. Santa Claus argues "this is nonsense, I have many competitors, but every kid wants presents from me." The FTC's rebuttal is that, although there are many other companies marketing toys, no one else provides a service comparable to that of NPI. The case is currently gridlocked in the court system.
Malevolent Naughty/Nice List
Many have been led to believe Santa carries a list of both naughty and nice children, so that he may provide gifts to those on the nice list and not to those on the naughty list. However when we take an analytical approach to these lists, we find that this theory does not add up. If Santa were to have a nice list, then he could fulfill his supposed duty regarding naughty children under this theory, by simply omitting them from the nice list. therefore the list wouldn't even need to be called the nice list, rather he would just have a list.
Recent investigations have unearthed a much more sinister function for such listing. According to transcripts of testimonials given to undercover CIA agents, the naughty list is a list of those children who will do whatever the fat fuck wants, while the nice list provides an indexed reference of all those children Santa simply thinks make a nice piece of ass. According to inside sources, any one child who appears on BOTH lists is guaranteed a visit, three notables include the Monica, Barbara and Maria, mentioned in the previous chapter.
Santa has often been criticized for his blatant favoritism of "rich kids". It is commonly reported by many children from working class families that Santa gives their friends whom come from more wealthy backgrounds receive more expensive presents and of higher quantity.
Holy Shit! Santa’s Toy Shop!
To avoid dependence on other nations for defense and to turn a quick buck, Santa has established The Toy Shop, a state of the art weapons-research and manufacturing facility. When the factory opened on July 4, 1914, Santa jokingly called his cache of weapons “The Toys,” deadpanning that he intended to bring them for all the world’s children to play with. Elves began to sardonically refer to the Weapons plant as the “Toy Shop,” and in 1920, the name was made official. Today, Santa’s Toy Shop is the most advanced munitions factory in the world, producing up to 500 small arms, 100 heavy assault weapons, 75 Black-Ops projects, and 5,000 'gifts' per day. Most exploding mail packages can be linked back to The Toy Shop.
All year long, the Elves were all kidnapped from their homes and forced into slavery to cheerily design and build a variety of increasingly advanced deadly weapons, singing happy songs and eating ever so delightful cafeteria foods. These weapons are often wrapped in brightly colored paper and sold to terrorists, allies, and the Bush Administration, and the profits are reinvested into this local "present-making" industry. The finest and deadliest weapons are reserved for Santa’s personal armory, and it is from this supply that Santa’s deadly, once-yearly attack on the world is armed.
Weight and Health
Santa Clause is known for his substantial body mass, as it is generally assumed that he spends the majority of his time eating milk and cookies. However, Santa Claus is an active opponent of obesity, and actually spends the majority of his time exercising. In order to prepare his body for a long night of binge eating cookies and chugging milk, Santa Claus adheres to a strict exercise regiment which he describes as "P90 X on crack". There are no pictures of him in peak physical condition, but Mrs. Clause has claimed that he is "essentially a white Lebron James".
The Santa Claus: Legal Loophole
Even with Santa Claus's innumerable legal violations and crimes against humanity, he cannot be arrested because he is legally exempt from prosecution. Article VI, Paragraph 2 of the United States Constitution is known as the Santa Claus. This clause reads:
- In the early morning hours every year on December 25th Santa J. Claus of North Pole, Canada will have legal rights to break all laws including but not limited to: breaking and entering, violation of restraining orders, and flying in restricted air space. All residents of the United States who believes in our Lord Jesus (and therefore will have eternal life in heaven upon their death) shall provide Santa J. Claus with a plate of cookies, a glass of milk, and water for his reindeer. All violators shall receive coal in their stocking.
In a nut shell, this law lets the fat fuck do whatever the hell he wants and Americans have to fatten him up even more and water his reindeer if they want to receive gifts.
This clause was most famously challenged in the case Santa v. Robinsons. In 1963 the Robinson family of Akron, Ohio gave Santa crackers and a Pepsi while also as not providing his reindeer with water. Subsequently, Santa gave the family coal in their stocking. The family took Santa to court over this and the case went all the way to the Supreme Court. The court ruled in favor of Santa with a vote of 8 to 1. The only dissenting vote was by Earl Warren. All justice Warren said in this dissenting opinion was “You guys still believe in Santa?” . Shortly thereafter Earl Warren's body was found floating in his pool. His death is believed to result from tripping over a small dog that had run in front of Mr. Warren at a rather inopportune time. The police, having nothing to go on except a note nailed to his back saying "Now do you believe, motherfucker? From Santa", concluded that there was not enough evidence to prove that his death was anything more than an unfortunate small dog accident.
Recently secular liberals have tried to have this clause repealed as part of their War on Christmas. The most notorious battle in this war was when Jon Stewart lit a bag of dog shit on Bill O'Reilly’s front step.
Santa is a drunken oaf that can barley breathe, and is probably a diabetic and if he eats any more milk and cookies cookies the doctors are going to have to amputate his leg.
Santa commemorates the day of his death and rebirth in an annual Christmas Eve purge, emerging from his Arctic retreat in a blistering all-night attack. Using the time travel technology developed during his college days, he halts the passage of time in order to give himself just enough leeway to hit everyone at least once. The first such attack was December 24, 1914, when Santa surprised a world still weary from World War I with a deadly sneak attack on all major cities.
Reflecting his opinion that all are inferior to him, Santa refers to humanity as “children.” The worst of his vile hatred is reserved for those who oppose his evil aims, the so-called “naughty” children who are targets of special brutality. On the other hand, collaborators and sympathizers who support his goals are spared. These cultists refer to themselves as “the nice” children, though they are known colloquially as Santaists. They give to Santa the traditional gift of cookies and milk, and participate in the violent Caroling for which they are greatly feared. The Nice children's recruitment effort is called the Antler Youth.
With Krampus’ assistance, Santa has employed a far reaching network of spies who compile lists of supporters, allies, and enemies. Before beginning the yuletide attack, these agents produce the most current and up to date list. Once it has been checked twice for accuracy and thoroughness, Santa enters the data into his master Computer R.U.D.O.L.P.H., prosaically referred to as Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer. Connected by satellite to his private jet, the Slay, “Rudolph” not only compiles intelligence data at the speed of light, informing Santa of where to attack, it also uses the most advanced radar known to science, effectively guiding the Sleigh. A brilliant red light indicator notifies Santa of dangerous weather conditions, guaranteeing a good night to all. Rudolph is most notable for not only being significantly smaller than Santa, but of circling from him over 10,000 kilometers away.
Known Weaknesses and Strengths
Santa can only be killed with silver bullets, kryptonite, the letter E, a wooden stake through the heart, disco, a bee sting, the Grinch, algebra, nuclear weapons, and Easter Bunny bites. However, all of these things must be timed to happen at the exact same time. If you are unable to find any or all of these, you have the option of taking an AK-47 and shooting Santa until he flees. This will not kill him ,only momentarily deter him.
When fighting Santa, try to avoid fireplaces and snow; he gains a regeneration power when is next to a fireplace, and a +2 Mana bonus when walking on snow. Also note that he has a special ability that allows him to climb up small chimneys very quickly. He can cast huge snowballs or burning Christmas presents which cause 4d20 damage to all characters in the area.
His beard, in times of emergency, can be utilized as a parachute and his trousers have built in Kevlar knee-sliders. His large coat also has many inner pockets holding various objects, from cookies to shurikens.
He has an uncanny ability to convert child attackers to his cause. He became aware of this strength when Howard Dean charged screaming at him during a home invasion. Santa sat the hawing seven-year old child on his knee and proceeded to sing, "Away in a laser" to him. Dean was so struck with emotion that he pledged fealty to Santa from that moment henceforth. Santa realized the potential he had to convert more children, and subsequently ordered the founding of the Antler Youth.
Santa's skin is reputedly made of bleached leather. While the advantages of this are unknown, it's still something to look out for.Santa also gains magic powers when near milk and cookies.
Invention of the Internet
In 1985 Al Gore invented the internet and global warning. He claimed to have created it for the purpose of spreading information across the world. However, in 2006 it was discovered that Santa really created it so he could prey upon kids. His online screen-name is "MyPoleIsNorth."
Other Fun Facts
- Santa has the biggest sack known to mankind.
- Santa currently owns a franchise of sweat-shops in China.
- Santa Claus is another identity of Julian Assange, due to his white hair and knowledge of individual's good and bad actions.
- Little known fact is that during a rocky time in his life Mr. Claus used his naughty list to find and punish unruly children.
- Santa Claus is a 8th degree Karate Grand Master.
- He believes in Islam (Family Guy 2010 christmas episode is proof).
- He is wanted by the FBI for breaking into people's houses.
- Santa has a warrant out for his arrest for 500,690 cases of child molestation.
- Santa earns extra cash by stripping at the local North Pole Pub after a long night of distributing presents.
- His "north pole" is only three inches long.
- His "Lumps of Coal" were accidently shot off by some unknown douchebag last Christmas & is nutless to this day.
- Started his own production company called "Santa's Gay, Too!" in 1993, only until it was folded sometime after the year of 2251!
How Does Santa Reach ALL The Chimneys in the world In a Single Day??
Haven't you ever thought, HOW THE FUCK DOES THE GUY MANAGE IT? I mean, he's a wizard and everything, but, for the philistines among us, there has to be some explanation...
"Our intelligence reports indicate that Santa does not experience time the way we do. His trip seems to take 24 hours to us, but to Santa it might last days, weeks or even months. Santa would not want to rush the important job of delivering presents to children and spreading joy to everyone, so the only logical conclusion is that Santa somehow functions within his own time-space continuum." It is not known to what extent he is confused with Paul Revere, who may have been responsible for all present deliveries between the years 2008 and 1725.
After much research, we present the annual aeronautical engineers report on the theory of Santa’s Death: No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen.
There are two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish & Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total -378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes that there's at least one good child in each.
Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with. This is due to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits/second. That is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has .001 second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles/household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles; not counting stops to do what most of us do at lease once every 31 hours, plus eating etc. So Santa's sleigh must be moving at 650 miles/second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles/second. A conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles/hour.
If every one of the 91.8 million homes with good children were to put out a single chocolate chip cookie and an eight ounce glass of 2% milk, the total calories (needless to say other vitamins and minerals) would be approximately 225 calories (100 for the cookie, give or take, and 125 for the milk, give or take). Multiplying the number of calories per house by the number of homes (225 x 91.8 x 1000000), we get the total number of calories Santa consumes that night, which is 20,655,000,000 calories. To break it down further, 1 pound is equal to 3500 calories. Dividing our total number of calories by the number of calories in a pound (20655000000 / 3500) and we get the number of pounds Santa gains, 5901428.6, which is 2950.7 tons.
The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 lb.), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300lb. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see #1) can pull 10 TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine, reindeer. We need 214,200. This increases the payload - not counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. This is four times the weight of the ocean-liner Queen Elizabeth.
353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles/second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within .00426 of a second. Meanwhile, Santa, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 lb. Santa, being very conservative in terms of guessing Santa's weight, would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 lb. of force. When Santa ever delivered presents on Christmas Eve he summarily died. Since the original Santa Claus' death, a completely different person known as "Santa Claus" has taken over the North Pole and made it into a for profit business known as North Pole Incorporated.
By the way this is indeed original and completely not copied and pasted research. And hey, the Flying Spaghetti Monster judged him already.
Belief and Disbelief
Many have often had tried to counterexample the fact that Santa can't exist. Many things like Santa has to travel faster than the speed of light and his sack (tee-hee) has to be larger than an ocean liner (thus quoted by thee of the unnamed and ungrateful little shit of a kid in the most depressing Christmas movie of all time, The Polar Express).
President George Obama Nixon Bush III started the Jolly Project in 1998, when Santa was reported to have stuffed candy in Macho Man Randy Savage's daughter's pillow. The candy was revealed to be Elf remains and suggested Santo Closs as a cannibal. Chief George Romero and 20 National Guard soldiers broke into Santa's house armed with weapons on December 24th, 1998 at 13:67 in the morning. They saw a broken window and crumbs of weed cookies. Dead elves laid everywhere as the team heard a jingle and a gunshot and a yell saying "Suck my dick you ho ho hoes!". Rumors are heard of Santa escaping to northern Alaska, where recent cannibal crimes have been trading human flesh to make arts and crafts for their moose.
Sarah Palin was taking a trip to Russia and said she had saw Santa from her hotel bedroom off the eastern coast. "I swear! I saw Santa in Alaska from my own window!". In Yew Nork, many citizens claim they see the "Jolly ol Bastard" on the streets. All were clarified to be the same homeless man for the same 69 cases.
After Santa's death, The Northern Alaskan Institute University of Electromagnetic Technology funded a worldwide celebration, as Macho Man performed 10 dragon suplexes on each of his reindeer. All the events transpired helped the world realize how ultra gay the whole Santa part of Christmas is and helped everyone come to their senses of Christmas being a fucking joke.