Santa Claus

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 10:18, January 24, 2013 by (talk)

Jump to: navigation, search
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Pedophile, or Karl Marx?

A home invasion in progress.

For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Santa Claus.
“Hoe! Hoe! Hoe!”
~ Santa Claus on Your Moms
“Where? Where? Where?”
~ Tiger Woods on above comment.
“If I had a nickel for every time I gave a man milk and cookies to go down my chimney... ”
“Claustrophobic. It means he's afraid of Santa Claus. ”
~ Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison
“I'll blow his ass because he's nothing more than a homewrecker! Stupid prick!”

Santa Claus, (also known as Satan Claus, Gandolph, Father Christmas, Kris Kringle, Saint Nicholas, Swanky Legs, "Gabriel", the father of The Cookie Monster, Fatass, Tubby, or as some unspirited little bastards spell it, Santa Clause. Oh, and fat paedophile ) is a well known Dutch wizard born early in the 4th century. Claus is known for his generosity, which he uses along with his home invasion artistry to bear gifts to millions of people around the world on Christmas day. He was the president of the USA, and he farted in the White House. It is in the late childhood and early teen years when most begin to doubt, and even deny the existence of the one known as Santa. This belief is often furthered by the children's parents who are all too happy to take the credit for Santa's deeds and generosity. Another notable point is that he is well known for being involved in many terrorist bombings in the late 20th and early 21st century.

Early Life

i love horses.

Christmas Eve

Santa commemorates the day of his death and rebirth in an annual Christmas Eve purge, emerging from his Arctic retreat in a blistering all-night attack. Using the time travel technology developed during his college days, he halts the passage of time in order to give himself just enough leeway to hit everyone at least once. The first such attack was December 24, 1914, when Santa surprised a world still weary from World War I with a deadly sneak attack on all major cities.

Reflecting his opinion that all are inferior to him, Santa refers to humanity as “children.” The worst of his vile hatred is reserved for those who oppose his evil aims, the so-called “naughty” children who are targets of special brutality. On the other hand, collaborators and sympathizers who support his goals are spared. These cultists refer to themselves as “the nice” children, though they are known colloquially as Santaists. They give to Santa the traditional gift of cookies and milk, and participate in the violent Caroling for which they are greatly feared. The Nice children's recruitment effort is called the Antler Youth.


Christmas in 3rd-World Atlantis

With Krampus’ assistance, Santa has employed a far reaching network of spies who compile lists of supporters, allies, and enemies. Before beginning the yuletide attack, these agents produce the most current and up to date list. Once it has been checked twice for accuracy and thoroughness, Santa enters the data into his master Computer R.U.D.O.L.P.H., prosaically referred to as Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer. Connected by satellite to his private jet, the Slay, “Rudolph” not only compiles intelligence data at the speed of light, informing Santa of where to attack, it also uses the most advanced radar known to science, effectively guiding the Sleigh. A brilliant red light indicator notifies Santa of dangerous weather conditions, guaranteeing a good night to all. Rudolph is most notable for not only being significantly smaller than Santa, but of circling from him over 10,000 kilometers away.

i love ken

Recent Occurrences

Invention of the Internet

In 1985 Al Gore invented the internet and global warning. He claimed to have created it for the purpose of spreading information across the world. However, in 2006 it was discovered that Santa really created it so he could prey upon kids. His online screen-name is "MyPoleIsNorth."

Santa has his own religion, called Santanism and has been accused of putting Santanicmessages in Christmas Carols. Santa's naughty list was also made public when he invented wikileaks

Other Fun Facts


Santa outside his local North Pole Pub

  • Santa has the biggest sack known to mankind.
  • Santa currently owns a franchise of sweat-shops in China.
  • Santa Claus is another identity of Julian Assange, due to his white hair and knowledge of individual's good and bad actions.
  • Little known fact is that during a rocky time in his life Mr. Claus used his naughty list to find and punish unruly children.
  • Santa Claus is a 8th degree Karate Grand Master.
  • He believes in Islam (Family Guy 2010 christmas episode is proof).
  • He is wanted by the FBI for breaking into people's houses.
  • Santa has a warrant out for his arrest for 500,690 cases of child molestation.
  • Santa earns extra cash by stripping at the local North Pole Pub after a long night of distributing presents.
  • His "north pole" is only three inches long.
  • His "Lumps of Coal" were accidently shot off by some unknown douchebag last Christmas & is nutless to this day.
  • Started his own production company called "Santa's Gay, Too!" in 1993, only until it was folded sometime after the year of 2251!



Santa in Nazareth

How Palestinian children really feel about Santa Claus.

After much research, we present the annual aeronautical engineers report on the theory of Santa’s Death: No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen.

There are two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish & Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total -378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes that there's at least one good child in each.

Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with. This is due to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits/second. That is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has .001 second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles/household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles; not counting stops to do what most of us do at lease once every 31 hours, plus eating etc. So Santa's sleigh must be moving at 650 miles/second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles/second. A conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles/hour.

If every one of the 91.8 million homes with good children were to put out a single chocolate chip cookie and an eight ounce glass of 2% milk, the total calories (needless to say other vitamins and minerals) would be approximately 225 calories (100 for the cookie, give or take, and 125 for the milk, give or take). Multiplying the number of calories per house by the number of homes (225 x 91.8 x 1000000), we get the total number of calories Santa consumes that night, which is 20,655,000,000 calories. To break it down further, 1 pound is equal to 3500 calories. Dividing our total number of calories by the number of calories in a pound (20655000000 / 3500) and we get the number of pounds Santa gains, 5901428.6, which is 2950.7 tons.

The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 lb.), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300lb. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see #1) can pull 10 TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine, reindeer. We need 214,200. This increases the payload - not counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. This is four times the weight of the ocean-liner Queen Elizabeth.

353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles/second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within .00426 of a second. Meanwhile, Santa, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 lb. Santa, being very conservative in terms of guessing Santa's weight, would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 lb. of force. When Santa ever delivered presents on Christmas Eve he summarily died. Since the original Santa Claus' death, a completely different person known as "Santa Claus" has taken over the North Pole and made it into a for profit business known as North Pole Incorporated.

By the way this is indeed original and completely not copied and pasted research. And hey, the Flying Spaghetti Monster judged him already.

gutted mate.

See also

Santa hanging

The elves mutiny and string up The Man.

Personal tools