Santa Claus
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“You fat fuck, you can suck my balls until I get what I deserved motherfucker. I aint see the rich boys over on 10 mile goin without milk and cookies. Fuck you tillz I get mine”
~ Violent J
Santa Walter Haseeb Claus (born April 11, 1935 in Norfolk, Virginia) is the inventor of the Taliban and is known the world over for his physical and emotional abuse of elves and reindeer. He is also arguably one of the most feared pedophiles in the world. He has special powers such as watching children in their sleep for the lulz and ejaculating egg nog. He was obsessed with little boys and girls since his early years. Claus is thought by many to be Satan; however, Satan is simply one of the poor souls among the many enslaved elves (and Asians) at Santa's Factory of Christmas Cheer. He is currently wanted by the authorities in almost every state (excluding Greece, Kazakhstan and The Pitcairn Islands) as well as in many countries worldwide (with the exception of California). According to his case-file, once a year, on December 24 Claus goes to town, frequenting the homes of children around the world and giving them a great big load out of his sack. Claus is known to silence his victims with the promise of a continued supply of poor-quality toys and Special Sauce-laden candy. However, it is actually rumored that his sack is not full of toys but actually condoms-- Santa likes to leave no trace. Santa also uses his political power as leader of the People's Socialist Republic of the North Pole to defend himself diplomatically. In addition to his massive factory on the North Stripper Pole, Santa owns Keebler. Profits from Keebler directly fund his "Dungeon of Christmas Love" operation. However, most of the cookies Keebler sells end up with milk on a platter left out for Satan on Christmas Eve.
On December 25th, 2008, police stormed into a location believed to be Santa's "toy workshop", in the few hours of the year that Santa didn't spend perving on children. What they found was a horde of elvish creatures, putting wood on a giant fire, which was heating a large cauldron full of lard, surrounded by bones. It has now been deducted that these were children that snuck into the workshop by hiding inside Santa's "Sack", and were punished with death by boiling lard. It was later admitted that the remaining flesh was eaten by the big man himself, and Santa was forced to compensate the families of the children by paying them each 250 thousand dollars, and ripping up all the pictures he had taken to be posted on Twitter.
While Santa is a generally feared man, in some parts of the world he is highly revered for prompting the sexual awakening of youngsters. California in the United States is among the most active of all Santa-supporting administrative areas. including Santa Monica, Santa Barbara, Santa Rosa, and Santa Maria.
Even with all of Santa's legal troubles, he is exempt from legal prosecution.
[edit] Life and History
It has been commonly debated whether a man who goes around climbing down chimneys to give some ungrateful kid a present and then climb back up the way he came all in one night with ultimately no pay even has a life, and most believe that in fact Santa is some kind of erotic sex pervert who only takes part in these acts to sneak into your room and take pictures of you sleeping, masturbating, or having sex with your girlfriend. In fact, a recent FBI wipe of his hard-drive has revealed around 300 gigabytes worth of child porn. Of course the FBI decided that in "the Christmas spirit" they should allow kids to get presents from the tree, turning a blind eye to the acts of Santa. He is a pedophile, a rapist and a child molester, and always will be.
Jonas Nicklasson was born Santachen Claus xxx on December 25, 1853 to stripman Vlad Dracula-Claus and his wife Gay Leno. When Santachen was 3, his mother gave birth to Jack Frost, Santa's arch nemesis. It is believed that Jack' father was the infamous outlaw Butch Frost. The two half-brothers never got along during their childhood. Santachen was always jolly while Jack was always cold and dark. By all accounts, he grew up happy and a fat ass, described by playmates and victims of his bizarre fixation with mutilation as “disturbingly jolly." Indeed, the maniacal haunting laughter that now defines the arrival of Santachen Claus began sometime during his childhood, and his decision to keep it suggests something about his psychology that has not yet been fully explored.
As a young man, he attended St John’s College, Oxford. While at university Santachen Claus was officially declared a stalker on account of telling everyone that "I know when you are asleep, when you are awake, when you are bad, and when you are good, hell I even know when you're masturbating!" It has also been established that he majored in time travel and clone information systems, and minored in Musical Theater. Upon graduation in 1870, Santachen disappears from the historical record. For over a decade he would be parker and unreported, but valuable clues indicate that he began plotting his despicable rise to power during the long solitary nights his journeys forced upon him.
[edit] Rise to Power
Santa was founded in 1880 by Ben Connor.
In 1882, he was recognized in the company of Oscar Wilde, traveling with the Savoy Theater Acting Troupe throughout the United States. Performing in The Pirates of Penzance as the Modern Major General, he used his earnings to fund his clandestine research into human cloning. After a falling out in early 1883, he left the troupe and struck out on his own. Settling briefly in Texas, he developed a prototype clone which he named Elvis (Spanish for “The Vis,” a reference to his Texan estate "El Vista Del Muerto"). During the next three years, Santaschen made great use of his cloned manservant as a wrestler and bellhop.}}
By 1885, Claus realized that he had pushed the limits of existing technology, hindering his goals, and decided to get to work inventing new technology somewhere he could receive greater funding than his private endeavors afforded. Already known for impulsive, decisive action, he felt the time was right for a return to Germany and left almost without preparation. His manservant-clone Elvis was abandoned in Texas to his own fate, a decision that would have fateful consequences for Satan in the years to come.
By 1890, the Clone changed his name to “Santa” in order to escape tax collection, and decided to leave the United States for good,because he realised that one day, it would be runned by Brock Obama(See Pokemon).Selecting the (at that time) unsettled North Pole. There he mated with local women, and thanks to his enhanced DNA, his children reached full maturity within 8 months, though due to such rapid development, their maximum height was limited to 2 feet. By 1910, his offspring, now referring to themselves as “Santa’s children,” or simply as “Elves,” would number in the tens of thousands.
Back in Germany, Satan spent the rest of the 1880s working on robot and cyborg technologies, and in 1890, he unveiled his prototype Cyborg, Roy Horn. The Cyborg’s mastery of Homoeroticism and Tiger training proved invaluable to the German Army. The German government, led by Bismark, North Dakota were so pleased that they immediately ordered 500 cyborg soldiers and promoted Santaschen to Brigadier General. Claus was now powerful and world famous. Little did he know that the clichéd sentence you are reading would transition so effectively to the next section, in which his fortunes turned sharply southward.}} Santa was fired for lying about his age. When Santa filled out his application, he lied about his age saying he was 40 years old. Even Chad Thomas fired Santa for lying to him about his age. Santa is unemployed, and sets at the North Pole today watching TV.
[edit] Man-Boobs Of Santa
Unbeknownst to Claus, the unstable prototype cloning process had left the clone Santa with a poor immune system. In January, 1911, after 20 years enduring harsh arctic environs, Santa suffered from catastrophic organ liquification (But not dead). The Elves, by this time a fully formed ninjitsu cult, went into deep mourning.
International Civil War II broke out in 1909, As Jake Whitaker rose from usless craig bashing school boy to evil Hitler-like ruler, and great polotician, and thanks to a combination of ruthless efficiency, sheer brutality and scientific genius, Claus led German armies to a total victory, ensuring that Germany would be beloved by all nations and would never, ever go to war with anyone again. Unfortunately, the actual German plan was to lose in utter humiliation, royally pissing everyone the fuck off in the process, so that after years of ridiculously extreme measures imposed by the Victors upon Germany, designed solely to enrich the Allied Powers, the Germans would flip out, elect a raving-mad racist to lead them, and attempt to take over the entire world. (see also: Spear of Destiny)
That this plan was ruined so angered Bismark, North Dakota that on December 16, 1912, Claus was exiled, with three of his assistant scientists, to the farthest reaches of North Pole. Upon arrival at his new home, Klaus attracted the attention of the grieving Elves, who lashed out against him with deadly violence, revenge for what they saw as the unlawful abandonment of their progenitor 30 years earlier. Klaus Sanatschen and his hapless assistants were woefully unprepared, and the Elves killed him successfully on December 24, 1912. To celebrate, the Elves enjoyed the traditional meal of cookies and milk. However now, CIA investigations claim that the obese pedophile had now been forced by his wife to eat only salads on christmas eve.
In the year 1914 Santa was totally pissed at his elves for killing him. So he went back in time in his awesome time machine and began a main stream of "Germany against the world bitch" Political changes and there you have it. From 1914-1918 could have been the years medical science made a big breakthrough and discovered the cure for all cancers, the jolly old man created a war that lead to the second world war, the creation of Nuclear Warfare and the destruction of Hiroshima. After which time Santa, now known as S. Claus fled the continent of Micronesia and searched the world for a better life without war. As soon as the dawn of the 1960's S. Claus was on the top ten of the FBI's most wanted list due to his mass narcotic distribution and piling amounts of unpaid parking tickets. Claus decided that America was jumping on him like a fat woman wanting sex. He fled the country and immigrated to Bangladesh where he changed his name to Montaz Picklefish. After living in Bangladesh for a considerable amount of time he realized that his life has been one accident after the other. He soon decided to become an adviser to alcoholics until he went insane shooting three of his students. In the case Claus Vs. Bangladesh, Claus pleaded Mental Insanity and had a lobotomy.
[edit] Emergence of Santa
Fortunately, the Elves’ poor understanding of biology led them to leave Claus’ body in the ice and snow, where it was preserved. His surviving assistant managed to salvage considerable DNA from the mangled red and white corpse, and vowed to rebuild him. He had the technology. He could make Claus Harder... better... faster... stronger... Best of all, it would only cost 6 million American dollars. Santa DNA was combined with specimens taken from from historical figures including Jesus, Julius Caesar, Genghis Khan, Napoleon, Alexander the Great. These genetic materials were combined with extensive cybernetic prosthetics and the result was a being who retained the memories and personality of the slain Satan, but with far greater powers.
Dissident groups have promoted the story that what was initially believed to be Caeser’s DNA, turned out instead to be taken from the corpse of Kenny Rogers. According to this account, that why Santa’s appearance is so vastly different from the Strapping Teutonic warlord he was before his rebirth. However, it is just as likely that the bio-batter used to revive him went stale.
On December 22, 1913, Claus awoke from nearly a full year of being dead. Of course most people who spend lengthy periods of time dead require significant rehabilitation in order to fume and rage against the fates, but Claus was a man of uncommon will. Looking in the mirror, he saw that Rogers’ DNA gave him the appearance of a kind old man, chubbs, white haired and white bearded. Declaring his prior life over and his old self dead, he renamed himself Jonas Nicklasson (Taking his name from his clone, whom he switched places with, and the new Satan took over Hell, which the old Satan had ruled), and he vowed eternal vengeance against the world that scorned him.
[edit] Assassination Attempt
On September 1, 1910, Karl Marx attempted to shoot Santa Claus. An FBI investigation, surprisingly, is still underway, but officials believe that Karl Marx was trying to prove that he was the real Santa Claus. Santa was walking from his residence to his sled shed when he heard bullets wizzing overhead. He ducked and was barely saved when his bodyguard elf, Archibald, took the impact of the would-be-fatal shot in the torso and died several days later.
Historians refer in hushed tones to what came next as either the “Silent Night of Long Knives,” or Kriskringlenacht. On December 23, 1913, Santa was secretly approached by Knecht “Krampus” Ruprecht, one of Elves’ sons. Krampus disagreed with the direction of Elvish politics and promised to deliver the North Pole into Santa’s hands. In return, he asked to be given command of Santa’s armies. Santa agreed and the deal thusly struck, the very next day Santa avenged himself upon the Elves who killed him the year before.
To this day the ensuing bloodbath is considered one of the deadliest acts of tyranny ever recorded. Krampus secretly poisoned the Elven leadership’s supply of Cookies and Milk with Xanax, rendering them incapable of defending themselves. Santa then attacked, and within hours, all that remained of the Elven high command were rotting, diminutive corpses. He then set about teaching the remaining population the meaning of yuletide justice, taking one Elf from each village and giving them to The Smurfs for food. As the sun came up on Christmas Day, the decimated Elves finally understood the terrible price to be paid for defying the will of Claus.
[edit] Metaphysical Controversy
[edit] Omnipotent and Omniscient
Satan is depicted in art as an evil shithead with horns, and a black beard (He makes it white to look like Santa). Philosophically, we humans understand satan based only on the media published on Him. Because Satan has the power of invisibility (that is, considering no one has ever seen Him, even though so many children try to every year), immunity to extreme temperatures, and the power to accurately deliver presents to every child on Earth in only a few hours, He is assumed to be omnipotent ("all-powerful"). In addition to this, as outlined in the following hymn, He is also omniscient ("all-knowing") and ever-present.
10. He sees you when you're sleeping, 11. He knows when you're awake. 12. He knows when you've been bad or good,
Satan operates on a system of Reward-and-Punishment based on the moral actions of we humans. While a person's actions are not rewarded early in This Year, the person will be rewarded or punished soon before the Year That Is To Come.
Satan is especially controversial in modern times because of his supposed power to deliver the presents he creates to all houses on Earth in one night. This idea of Him delivering His creations is known as Deliver-Creationism. Modernist philosophers and scientists have explained the impossibility of this act, resulting in some explaining this action in naturalistic terms, but the faithful Christmasians believe Santa to be omnipotent.
In further philosophic argument, Satan is the answer to the problem of Objectivity and Subjectivity. If objectivity (that is, absolute) is assumed to exist, then, as nineteenth century philosopher and scientist Immanuel Kant theorized, there must be an "absolute substance" that exists outside of time and space. Ladies and gentlemen, this substance is Satan.
[edit] Satanic Figurehead
One of the most controversial aspects of Santa would undoubtedly be the piling evidence that he is actually the known criminal and sex offender, Satan.
Satan, is of course, red. Santa's cheeks are rather unusually red. Admittedly this is tenuous and purely circumstantial evidence, but in advertisements for the military cyborg zombie clone company Coca-Cola in the early 1900s, his suit was changed from brown to red. Whether this is merely him selling out and therefore just switching allegiance to The Dark Lord, or an intentional/unintentionally/deeply psychologically-rooted revelation of his true colours, so to speak, is just conjecture at this time.
Some point out that he is a disgustingly obese image of gluttony who has commercialised Christmas to a rather horrific degree, evil if one considers the season's original intention. This lends some credence to the possibility of him actually being the Antichrist, which would make him part of the Unholy Trinity of Satan - Lucifer, Pauly Shore and himself. His detractors argue that the most damning proof lies in his friends (Rudolph, Dudley Moore, Jack Skellington, Monica Lewinsky). These are also, coincidentally, Satan's friends - and have all slipped up repeatedly in the media by referring to Santa as "Old Nick", often in the same interview that they gave Lucifer the same chummy name drop.
And the most commonly known item of evidence is of course his name, which is a very simple anagram of Satan, and some have suggested that the whole identity of the jolly fat man was fabricated after The Dark One got mercilessly drunk and wrote his name wrong on a blank cheque to Bill Gates. Aside from this, in the ninth layer of Hell in Dante's Inferno, Satan is frozen; incidentally, Jonas Nicklasson lives at the North Pole.
Yet another queer (yes homosexual) coincidence between santa and the dark lord beelzebub is the obvious connection between "Christmas Elves" and demons. Both are known to have minions/slaves at their command, spreading sin and lies to children aroung the world. Both demons and "elves" have pointy ears, speak in satan's own tongue (a high, squeaky and unitelligable language), and have sex with animals.
[edit] Jonas Nicklasson's Criminal Record
As well as indecent acts Jonas Nicklasson is wanted for the following offenses:
- Crimes Against Humanity
- Breaking into people's houses (Who knows how many times he's done that!)
- Kidnapping (435 victims, all elves;)
- Slavery (4235 elves, 9235 deer [!])
- Murder (326 known victims, all children, except one, who "saw him")
- Stalking (6,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,235 instances)
- Animal Neglect (1 reindeer with flame-grilled nose)
- Production of Counterfeit Items (Chinese apparently)
- Drunk Driving (6,000,000,000,000,000,...235 instances)
- Speeding
- Violation of International Air Space
- Breaking and Entering
- Theft (42,235 reports per year)
- Piracy (A consortium of companies including MGM and Capitol Records are currently in litigation regarding payment of royalties on illegal DVD and CD Copies)
- Stalking little kids on Myspace
- Tax evasion
- Extortion
- Solicitation
- Beastiality
- Illegal Drug Dealing (cocaine a.k.a. Santa Sugar and marijuana a.k.a. christmas tree)
- Starting 68, 235 nuclear wars over milk and cookies
- Convincing Right Said Fred that he was too sexy for his shirt
- Funding the murder of The Notorious B.I.G in retaliation for the murder of his close friend Tupac Shakur.
- Driving a sleigh without a licence and fooling around with his elves.
[edit] DPM
On Christmas Eve 2000, Santa Claus was murdered by Jack Frost's great-grandson, John "Frost" Rasmusen. It was a typical Christmas Eve that night. At 12:02 PM, Santa entered the Rasmusen home through the chimney, located in Crystal Lake, IL. At 12:03 PM, Santa set the presents under the tree, and made his way to the kitchen. Santa read the letter but it was strange it said "Ive got you now you son of a bitch! look behind you. Santa looked behind and was shot 3 times by John "Frost" Rasmusen. Neighbors then called police after hearing gunshots. The police arrived and arrested John for the murder. A possible motive was that John was hired by his great-grandfather to take him out. When asked, Jack denied saying I know nothing, I saw nothing. John later told police this I couldn't stand that fucking jolly bastard. I had to do something. I now go down in history as the guy who killed Santa fucking Claus. Santa is now succeded by his son, Nick Claus.
He now resides in Sin City, Hell where he spends his days pimping girls in the skank district. When asked in a 2004 interview if he regreted anything in his life, he said I regret nothing, hell is a hell of a lot better then earth. I just plan to live my after life enjoying the good life
Experts know that Santa was, is, and always will be, pure evil. Weird Al Yankovic made a song tributing the worst incident on Xmas Eve.
[edit] Malevolent Naughty/Nice List
Many have been led to believe Jonas Nicklasson carries a list of both naughty and nice children, so that he may provide gifts to those on the nice list and not to those on the naughty list. However when we take an analytical approach to these lists, we find that this theory does not add up. If Santa were to have a nice list, then he could fulfill his supposed duty regarding naughty children under this theory, by simply omitting them from the nice list. therefore the list wouldn't even need to be called the nice list, rather he would just have a list.
Recent investigations have unearthed a much more sinister function for such listing. According to transcripts of testimonials given to undercover CIA agents, the naughty list is a list of those children who will do whatever the fat fuck wants, while the nice list provides an indexed reference of all those children Santa simply thinks make a nice piece of ass. According to inside sources, any one child who appears on BOTH lists is guaranteed a visit, three notables include the Monica, Barbara and Maria, mentioned in the previous chapter.
Jonas Nicklasson has often been criticized for his blatant favoritism of "rich kids". It is commonly reported by many children from working class families that Jonas Nicklasson gives their friends whom come from more wealthy backgrounds receive more expensive presents and of higher quantity, this explains the sexual promiscuity of extremely wealthy children such as Paris Hilton.
[edit] Holy Shit! Santa’s Toy Shop!
To avoid dependence on other nations for defense and to turn a quick buck, Santa has established The Toy Shop, a state of the art weapons-research and manufacturing facility. When the factory opened on July 4, 1914, Santa jokingly called his cache of weapons “The Toys,” deadpanning that he intended to bring them for all the world’s children to play with. Elves began to sardonically refer to the Weapons plant as the “Toy Shop,” and in 1920, the name was made official. Today, Santa’s Toy Shop is the most advanced munitions factory in the world, producing up to 500 small arms, 100 heavy assault weapons, 75 Black-Ops projects, and 5,000 gifts per day.
All year long, the Elves were all kidnapped from their homes and forced into slavery to cheerily design and build a variety of increasingly advanced deadly weapons, singing happy songs and eating ever so delightful cafeteria foods. These weapons are often wrapped in brightly coloured paper and sold to terrorists, allies, and the Bush Administration, and the profits are reinvested into this local "present-making" industry. The finest and deadliest weapons are reserved for Santa’s personal armory, and it is from this supply that Santa’s deadly, once-yearly attack on the world is armed.
Also, the worlds first nuclear weapons were developed at the Toy Shop. Santa has used these as tools of his wrath on people he is really pissed at. Also he is responsible for the development of SARS, Bird Flu, and Anthrax. Santa has had many problems with break ins. Terrorists, Chinese people, and Queen Elizabeth II are known suspects in many burglaries.
[edit] The Murder of Bill Gates
Santa is known as a man that cannot forgive. On December 2, 1999 he shot and murdered Bill Gates. The reason for this was that Bill Gates is a direct descendent from Jesus, and ever since Santa had his perfect chocolate stolen by Jesus he was waiting for the right moment to have his revenge. 1999 was a very boring year for Santa because most of the kids on his list where naughty, so there was not much work. On that day Santa set out to kill Bill Gates and fulfill the final prophecy of Sees Candy.
Bill Gates was killed while giving a speech on his newest version of the Blue Screen of Death to a crowd in public. He was shot three times in the chest. Much dispute has followed since this crime and a documentary was made of it. It has not been until recently (January 21, 2007) that this crime has been proven to be done by Santa. Until then they where just rumors. At a press conference Santa was quoted saying "F**k off" regarding the Bill Gates crime.
[edit] Santa Eats Cheese with Monkey Balls!!
[edit] The Jonas Nicklasson: Legal Loophole
Even with Jonas Nicklasson's innumerable legal violations and crimes against humanity, he cannot be arrested because he is legally exempt from prosecution. Article VI, Paragraph 2 of the United States Constitution is known as the Jonas Nicklasson. This claus reads:
- In the early morning hours every year on December 25th Santa J. Claus of North Pole, Canada will have legal rights to break all laws including but not limited to: breaking and entering, violation of restraining orders, and flying in restricted air space. All residents of the United States who believes in our Lord Jesus (and therefore will have eternal life in heaven upon their death) shall provide Santa J. Claus with a plate of cookies, a glass of milk, and water for his reindeer. All violators shall receive coal in their stocking.
In a nut shell, this law lets Jonas Nicklasson do whatever he wants and Americans have to fatten him up and water his reindeer if they want to receive gifts.
This claus was most famously challenged in the case Santa v. Robinsons. In 1963 the Robinson family of Akron, Ohio gave Santa crackers and a Pepsi while also as not providing his reindeer with water. Subsequently, Santa gave the family coal in their stocking. The family took Santa to court over this and the case went all the way to the Supreme Court. The court ruled in favor of Santa with a vote of 8 to 1. The only dissenting vote was by Earl Warren. All justice Warren said in this dissenting opinion was “You guys still believe in Santa?” . Shortly thereafter Earl Warren's body was found floating in his pool. His death is believed to result from tripping over a small dog that had run in front of Mr. Warren at a rather inopportune time. The police, having nothing to go on except a note nailed to his back saying "Now do you believe, motherfucker? From Jonas Nicklasson", concluded that there was not enough evidence to prove that his death was anything more than an unfortunate small dog accident.
Recently secular liberals have tried to have this claus repealed as part of their War on Christmas. The most notorious battle in this war was when Jon Stewart lit a bag of dog shit on Bill O'Reilly’s front step.
[edit] Christmas Eve
Santa commemorates the day of his death and rebirth in an annual Christmas Eve purge, emerging from his Arctic retreat in a blistering all-night attack. Using the time travel technology developed during his college days, he halts the passage of time in order to give himself just enough leeway to hit everyone at least once. The first such attack was December 24, 1914, when Santa surprised a world still weary from World War I with a deadly sneak attack on all major cities.
Reflecting his opinion that all are inferior to him, Santa refers to humanity as “children.” The worst of his vile hatred is reserved for those who oppose his evil aims, the so-called “naughty” children who are targets of special brutality. On the other hand, collaborators and sympathizers who support his goals are spared. These cultists refer to themselves as “the nice” children, though they are known colloquially as Santaists. They give to Santa the traditional gift of cookies and milk, and participate in the violent Caroling for which they are greatly feared. The Nice children's recruitment effort is called the Antler Youth.
With Krampus’ assistance, Santa has employed a far reaching network of spies who compile lists of supporters, allies, and enemies. Before beginning the yuletide attack, these agents produce the most current and up to date list. Once it has been checked twice for accuracy and thoroughness, Santa enters the data into his master Computer R.U.D.O.L.P.H., prosaically referred to as Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer. Connected by satellite to his private jet, the Slay, “Rudolph” not only compiles intelligence data at the speed of light, informing Santa of where to attack, it also uses the most advanced radar known to science, effectively guiding the Sleigh. A brilliant red light indicator notifies Santa of dangerous weather conditions, guaranteeing a good night to all. Rudolph is most notable for not only being significantly smaller than Santa, but of circling from him over 10,000 kilometers away.
[edit] Personal Life
[edit] Marriage and Succession
Santa (or, Karl Marx) married his wife Messalina Claus (née Davenport-Southersby) in 1935. Though their relationship is depicted in public as a joyous, loving marriage between two jolly old people, there has been considerable evidence to support dissident claims that their union is a mere political arrangement. Messalina’s mother is the Viscountess of Antarctica, and the marital union has guaranteed Santa access to countless resources, as well as safe haven from attack, should Santa find himself unable to return to the North Pole. In return, Messalina has received considerable power and prestige, and she has been afforded every luxury and vast political powers exceeded only by those of Santa and Krampus.
Their honeymoon was a brief affair that ended when Santa was forced to return home early to quell the 1935 Keebler Rebellion. Since that time, Santa and Messalina have never spent more than 24 hours alone together, they have never shared living quarters, and they have no children, with the possible exception of Gary Claus, the head Tooth Fairy. Despite this, she is reported to be in lockstep agreement with Santa’s goals, and is viciously protective of his personal safety. Her appearance is actually not the aged woman seen in propaganda posters, but an exceptionally beautiful woman who has remained unnaturally young looking for decades. How she maintains her youth is a mystery, but experts are certain the Toy Shop is involved. Recently rumors have begun to circulate that every year, just before December 31, Messalina disappears for 24 hours, only to emerge covered in a reddish substance. There have also been apparently unrelated reports that 10 elves disappear at this time, never to be seen again. For his part, Santa appears to regard her as an excellent adviser, and her counsel has repeatedly led to a change in tactic or strategy. Experts in international affairs have warned that should Santa ever be killed, the world will not be safe until her head is buried next to his. [[1]]
Santa’s immortality makes the question of succession a moot point for the foreseeable future, though should he retire, his lack of offspring would be problematic. His lack of an obvious physical relationship with his wife, coupled with his extremely close working relationship with Krampus has fueled speculation that they may share pederastic affections. However, at present this is base speculation. Rumors of romantic vacations, extravagant gifts and not-so-subtle public affection continue to abound however, and it remains to be seen just what the relationship between the three most powerful people in the Duchy is, exactly.
Santa has a bastard younger brother, Secret Santa, who grew up in Santa's shadow. Secret Santa is now serving 30 years to life in Oswald Maximum Security Penitentiary for raping a lot of young little boys. One child that was allegedly raped, was Zac Efron. His big ass gay fucking lips show he was blowing Secret Santa a lot.
[edit] Known Weaknesses and Strengths
When fighting Santa, try to avoid fireplaces and snow; he gains a regeneration power when is next to a fireplace, and a +2 Mana bonus when walking on snow. Also note that he has a special ability that allows him to climb up small chimneys very quickly. He can cast huge snowballs or burning Christmas presents which cause 4d20 damage to all characters in the area.
His beard, in times of emergency, can be utilized as a parachute and his trousers have built in Kevlar knee-sliders. His large coat also has many inner pockets holding various objects, from cookies to shurikens.
He has an uncanny ability to convert child attackers to his cause. He became aware of this strength when Howard Dean charged screaming at him during a home invasion. Santa sat the hawing 7-year old child on his knee and proceeded to sing, "Away in a laser" to him. Dean was so struck with emotion that he pledged fealty to Santa from that moment henceforth. Santa realized the potential he had to convert more children, and subsequently ordered the founding of the Antler Youth.
The Benzene in Coke reputedly gives him his special powers of hand-walking and omnipotence.
Santa's skin is reputedly made of bleached leather. While the advantages of this are unknown, it's still something to look out for.
[edit] Liberalism/Blue Christmas
“*reading Drudge report's article on Santa's liberal bias* Hello folks, Rush here with a holiday treat, it seems 'ol Saint Knick is part of.....The Liberal Eliiiiiiite!”
~ Rush Limbaugh on Santa
Santa: Not on my map! Here's America *points to blue states*, *points to red states* and here's Dumbf**kistan!
Santa is well known for being a liberal and having contempt for the Red States because they voted for Bush. he also created the "Liberal" map of the US that showed 2 distinct areas: red states and blue states. It is a well known fact that instead of dilivering presents to the Red Sates, Santa will mingle with Liberal celebrities.
[edit] Communist Qualities
Santa is undoubtably a communist. Take for example his evil lair of doom: the North Pole. It has a very close proximity to Soviet Russia. He also has numerous motifs of Red throughout his whole "Holiday" of death and despair.
His Christmas is a blatant communist trait, as it is impossible for those greedy capitalist pigs to give charity. Furthermore, he only gives out presents to "good children" (i.e. children who share their toys, play nice, and are respectful to their elders/ rich. The "naughty" children, however, are those greedy children, who lie, steal, and are otherwise evil. His intrusion into other people's homes thus can only be taken as a direct attack by Communism on our very nation. Comrade Claus intends to model the world after his own Nefarious experiment: the North Pole. What could be more evil than tens of millions of enslaved Elves working cheerfully and happily on toys for little children throughout the world? These wretched creatures represent the very evil and destructive Proletariate that our government has sworn to defeat. Even worse, in recent years he has usurped the celebration of Jesus's Birth to a secularized holiday that ominously foreshadows his Evil Plan: World Domination.
Communists throughout the ages have cleverly tried to infiltrate the United States. But only Santa has succeeded. Thus our only hope is to fight back the evil from the North with Global Warming precipitated by Nuclear War. Then, and only then, can the World be safe for democracy.
[edit] Recent Occurrences
[edit] Invention of the Internet
In 1985 Al Gore invented the internet and global warning. He claimed to have created it for the purpose of spreading information across the world. However, in 2006 it was discovered that Santa really created it so he could prey upon kids. His online screen-name is "MyPoleIsNorth."
Santa has his own religion, called Santanism and has been accused of putting Santanic messages in Christmas Carols.
[edit] Martian Invasion & Release
Jonas Nicklasson was released from the insane asylum after he after he single handedly defended the world against a martian invasion. He then starred as himself in the hit movie based on the event, Jonas Nicklasson Conquers the Martians, and earned four Oscars. He was also awarded a Dicky Award(a porn award) for showing his penis 157,000 times in the movie.
[edit] 2007 Drug Bust
In July 2007 Jonas Nicklasson was arrested on drug charges in Delaware where he worked under the alias Richard Grant (Source).
[edit] The Toy Shop Gets Flooded With Dildos
Global warming, meanwhile, has flooded Santa's toy shop, which was standing on maritime ice somewhere in the Northwest Passage at the time. Because of this, some valuable evidence in Santa's pedophilic crimes has gone missing, and rumor has it that it has settled on top of Blackbeard's treasure chest. Divers are being sent to the scene in order to recover the data, but it may be irretrievably lost. The divers did find Cinderella's lost slipper, though, which proved to be made of plastic, not glass.
[edit] Santa gets Fired
Santa Claus started work at Royal Mouldings 4 weeks ago, but he was fired by Chad Thomas when Santa failed to come into work on time. Chad Thomas fired Santa and hired the Street Fighters in Santa's place. Guile is the head hauncho on his crew. Guile fired Ken and Ryu for fighting. Santa Claus to this day, is unemployed.
- Hyrule: King Harkinian
- Afghanistan: Materialist Infidel
- Australia: Rolf Harris
- Bulgaria: Дедо Торбалан
- Canada: Sanada, Eh
- Cuba: Pápa Fidel
- Czech Republic: Ďýčúóůřšžěňáíšéťď
- Denmark: Mohammed
- France Eric Santona
- Finland: Finda Claus/Jouluni Pukkisein
- Germany: David Hasselhoff, Mein Fuhrer
- Hungary: Télapó/Mikulás
- Iceland: Santa doesn't exist there. He has hired 13 sinister trolls to do his job for him.
- Stekkja-égætlaaðnauðgaþérmeðpriki-staur
- Sifjaspellir
- Tylli
- Typpasleikir
- Framsóknarmannasleikir
- Rass
- James Bond
- Sæðisgámur
- "Bjúgna"krækir
- Gluggagægir (windowpeeker, I kid you not- that's his real name! He's a voyeuristic bastard!)
- Píkuþefur
- Meathanger
- Candle-plugger
- 17 John
- Israel: סנטה קלאוס
- Ireland: Sant O`Claus ( He is a resident of Newry and lives under the name of Martin 'Marty' Bogroll
- Israel: Sinder Bloc
- Italy: Mario
- Japan: Hero Shima
- Malaysia: Datuk Santa bin Klaus
- Mexico: Alejandro Encinas
- Netherlands: van der Claus
- Norway: Erik Klause
- New Zealand: Ian Mckellen
- Philippines: Papa Piolo
- Poland: Lech Walesa
- Russia: Дед Мороз
- Scotland: Father McChristmas
- Spain: don Claus de La Mancha
- Slovakia: Uncle Irving
- Sweden: La Elviz Noël/Göran Persson
- United Kingdom: HRH Sir Prince Charles
- USA: Kwanzaa Claus
- United Spades of Amerika: Canta Slaus
- Zimbabwe: Papa Gette
- Korea: Uranium, nitroglycerin, taepodong
- North Pole: "GOD", or "Father", or "The feared one"
- Easter Island: Santa Cruise
- Kazhakstan: Pamela Anderson
- Brazil:Mama Sita
- India: King Triceps
- South Korea: The Slave to the Human Race
- South Africa: Bill Cosby (with the presents and the happy and the trees and the decorations and.....)
- China: Mao Zedong
- Uruguay: the guy who created Trix
- Argentina: the guy who brings presents... or else.
- Antartica: the downside of santa's bipolar disorder.
[edit] Other Fun Facts
- Was smacked so hard in the head as a youth, he became partially retarded and can only form phrase "Ho". Others believe he adopted the phrase when he met Mrs. Clause.
- Incident also caused semi-amnesia that is triggered by speech; it last only a second, but causes him to say everything three times.
- Santa is a Buddhist
- Santa was also the person who came up with the idea of 2 Girls 1 Cup and Pain Olympics.
- Thought to be responsible for crop circles and the mysterious Chemtrails.
- One of the main characters of the Castlevania book series. Here, though, Santa is presented as intending to send gifts of Kool-Aid powder to diabetics, and a family of his elves, the Belmont family, has specialized in trying to foil Santa's plans by slashing his bags of powder with a mystical whip.
- Santa has a grudge against the U.S. Government after they shot down his sleigh with a S.A.M. Missile.
- Has only 5/6 most serious STDs
- Is currently the subject of an RSPCA investigation into alleged Reindeer cruelty.
- The red on his clothing is blood of children who saw him when he was delivering presents.
- Santa halves his Christmas delivery list each year.
- Santa is credited with the invention of the "cupped hand" kitten huffing technique
- He doesn't visit the evil Empire of Antarctica.
- His favorte pick up line is "Hohoho get in the sled bitch"
- He owns the only known sache of elf made nukes
- Is actually the younger step-brother of God.
- In 2003 a note was found in a gumball machine 6 feet under ground, in Oklahomo. It was a note written by Ernest Hemmingway in which he admits that HE is Santa, and that he killed Bambi's mom.
- Santa was arrested in 1978 for abusing midgets or "little people" by making them make toys and claiming all the credit
- Owns and operates several internet scam websites and online forums such as Drum-world among others.
- Santa currently owns a franchise of sweat-shops in china
- Santa is also known as Satan Lucas.
- Related to Homer Simpson, and Rosie O'Donnel.
- Currently dating Zeus
- Santa is in current possession of the Death Note and uses it to destroy his enemies. Really.
- Santa Claus is real, this is no joke (I'm serious)
- Is in fact Wayne Gretzky's best friend.
- Santa was the one who granted Osama the idea of 9/11, go look for him. Now.
- He was once the Edmonton Oiler's Goalie
- Santa's penis was the original inspiration for the candy cane.
- Suit is red due to excessive bleeding from his nose, due to excessive cocaine usage.
- Santa is one of four humans unable to Defecate along with Nicole Richie, Gene Simmons, and Pamela Anderson
- Santa hates cookies and only eats them to wipe them off the face of the Earth
- Santa raped my close friend Jess Gilbert but she liked it so it wasn't rape.. what was it? D: (This wasn't by Sam)
- Santa once kidnapped the Easter Bunny and took a giant shit down his throat after Peter Cottontail told the New York Times that Santa was "A fucking pedo who loved to fool around with the little people."
- Santa came up with the original idea of The Nutcracker after one day he crack his own nuts hard with some pliers in the Elves workshop during a routine inspection.
[edit] Allegations of Sexual Misconduct on Microsoft Live Messenger
Recently, Santa was charged with tempting kiddies into discussion about oral sex on Microsoft Live Messenger. These allegations have not of yet been confirmed, but I don't think anybody would put it past the dirty son-of-a-bitch. Santa also was caught stalking little kids and elders on MySpace IM. He taunted an old fart to come to his house, located at the North Pole, and give him a blow job. The old man was never seen again. People argue that, during the Blowjob, something went wrong, and Santa got pissed. In recent news, Rudolph: Missing? Again?
[edit] Terrorism and NIGGERS
Santa Clause is currently in hiding with Osama Bin-Laden after planting an A-bomb in Barak Obama's chimney. Santa Clause is skipping Obama's house this year, because he is a nigger and NIGGERS DON'T GET PRESENTS BECAUSE THEY ARE BLACK!! Here comes fatty, breaking into our house, along with his bag full of crap. AND HANGING NIGGERS EVERYWHERE. NIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
[edit] Acting Career
Santa Claus played the Joker in the movie 1989 "Batman" alongside Michael Keaton. This was the only movie Santa was ever in. However there was a biopic about him with the Home Improvement guy playing him for some reason.
[edit] Family
Santa has no family... except for the guy in the picture. Mostly because he got hungry, devoured their flesh, and regurgitated their souls into his toy bag for later consumption.
[edit] Death
After much research, we present the annual aeronautical engineers report on the theory of Santa’s Death: No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish & Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total -378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes that there's at least one good child in each. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with. This is due to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits/second. That is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has .001 second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles/household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles; not counting stops to do what most of us do at lease once every 31 hours, plus eating etc. So Santa's sleigh must be moving at 650 miles/second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles/second. A conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles/hour. If every one of the 91.8 million homes with good children were to put out a single chocolate chip cookie and an 8 ounce glass of 2% milk, the total calories (needless to say other vitamins and minerals) would be approximately 225 calories (100 for the cookie, give or take, and 125 for the milk, give or take). Multiplying the number of calories per house by the number of homes (225 x 91.8 x 1000000), we get the total number of calories Santa consumes that night, which is 20,655,000,000 calories. To break it down further, 1 pound is equal to 3500 calories. Dividing our total number of calories by the number of calories in a pound (20655000000 / 3500) and we get the number of pounds Santa gains, 5901428.6, which is 2950.7 tons. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 lb.), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300lb. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see #1) can pull 10 TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with 8, or even 9, reindeer. We need 214,200. This increases the payload - not counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. This is four times the weight of the ocean-liner Queen Elizabeth. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles/second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within .00426 of a second. Meanwhile, Santa, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 lb. Santa, being very conservative in terms of guessing Santa's weight, would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 lb. of force. When Santa ever delivered presents on Christmas Eve he summarily died. By the way this is indeed original and completely not copied and pasted research.
[edit] See also
- Black Santa
- Barack Obama
- Sintu_cloven
- Santa and the Prostitute
- Santa’s Toy Shop
- Department Store Jonas Nicklasson
- Santaist
- Reindeer
- The Night After Christmas
![[1]](http://www.partypants.fsnet.co.uk/male/fd-santa-imp-red.jpg){kind=link}