Sanskrit

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“It's too old and too perfect. And probably a bit stashed. Just like Coleridge.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Sanskrit

Sanskrit is the oldest of old languages. It's the deadliest of dead languages. It's the perfectest of perfect languages. As such it has been chosen as a fitting official language for the young, vibrant, not-so-perfect democratic federation of India.

[edit] Description

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Sanskrit.

Sanskrit is the Latin of the South-east. No one talks it, but every one has to learn it in order to appear educated. The Gods speak in Sanskrit. They wouldn't hear you if you tried conversing with them in any other language -- with the exception of Dutch: in which case they'd chortle loudly. Also, according to Penny Arcade, bitches love Sanskrit, and it can be learned in the time it takes to install Devil May Cry 4 on the average personal computer.

[edit] History

Indian postage stamp depicting Panini (1685)
Panini is shown writing the grammar of Sanskrit in Kharoshti with the implication that he had Divine help.

Sanskrit arose from the original Proto Indo-European language some 5000 - 6000 years ago. The Vedas were written in it. All the prayers were held in Sanskrit. The Brahmin patrons of Sanskrit conquered and turned the other indigenous tribes of India into untouchables by speaking to them in Sanskrit. The only thing that the conquered could do for revenge was to mess up the pure Vedic in Sanskrit with more retro-flex sounds. The discovery of Sanskrit grammar in the 1850's freaked out the English linguists because they realized what Latin might have looked like, had it been written by someone with taste and talent.

The Sanskrit people invented the alphabet. No one knows whose idea it was, but everyone says it was by some guy named Davy Nagari. That's why every other letter of the Sanskrit alphabet is D. There is no "f" as in "fart" in that language, even though farting's very common in that part of the world. All the letters look like windows with all sorts of creatures looking through them. Maybe that's because that's what you see in India. The Sanskrit alphabet has hundreds of letters, so no one's ever mastered more than four of them in his lifetime.

Sanskrit was constantly refined, and with the completion of Panini's grammar book in 400 B.C. it was made so perfect that not a single syllable could be added in order to make it more beautiful, more multi-faceted, more smooth and more pleasant to your tongue (also my tongue).

[edit] Fate

The fate of Sanskrit was sealed when the teenagers and cricket hooligans of the classic age fast dropped any attempt to create any new street talk or add slang contributions to the language, due to the languages achieved state of perfection. The poets stopped inventing new Jabberwocky poems. The lovers quit inventing new sweet nonsensical flatteries, since they all seemed so gross compared to the delicate fragrances of perfectly phrased sanskrit prose. Hence the language rapidly slipped out of everyday conversation and got replaced by crude prakrit, a vernacular so coarse and imperfect that Buddha had to invent meditation in silence just to protect his ears from it.

[edit] End

Panini was later found trying to prove that is irrational, which the rational Pathagoreans had already proved to be rational. Legend has it that he was drowned into the dead sea along with Noah's Ark by the zealot Pythgoreans. Later it was discovered that Pythagoras himself was disguised as Panini. He reborn as Jesus later to upend the infamous Ark.