Sandy Hook

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The Sandy Hook Elementary Massacre of 2012 is one of the most controversial, and outrageous school shootings of the 21st century, and perhaps all of American history (second to only Columbine; despite the fact there were two white teenagers involved in that shooting, who managed to kill less than the emaciated Adam). The shooting, in itself, spurred uproar on the topic of gun control, but was dismissed by Barack Obama who claimed that the little fuckers probably deserved it, and would have been killed, with, or without the use of a gun. The public took this into consideration, and the event was swept under the carpet for years, before some rat on the internet decided to link it with the overrated song of 'Pumped up Kicks' by Foster the People, and it was subsequently brought to the fore-front again, and picked up by the self-aware conspiracy theorists.

edit Perpetrator


Adam explaining how many Jews he killed

Adam Peter Lanza (born 22 April, 1992 - 14 December, 2012) is most well known for his outstanding performance also held on the date of his death. An intellectual, confident, and extremely charismatic boy, Adam was very popular with his peers, and known for his bordering-uncomfortable desire of skin-to-skin contact, and keen interest in guns from an early age. His father stated, in the 2016 Oprah Winfrey interview that never aired:

Adam always wanted to bring his guns into show-and tell, but I always told him 'just wait, y'know? Wait until you're a little older before you blow them away.' Fuck. Fuck, maybe that's why-

In the halls, Adam could be easily pin-pointed from his love of wearing skin-tight clothing, and blasting his iPod with the music of accomplished rapper Pitbull. Although Adam displayed many symptoms of early on-set Schizophrenia, Asperger syndrome, and [Sensory-Integration Disorder], it was all over-looked as Adam was an avid participant of the Dance Dance Revolution, and his seizures were thought to be an encore for the audience. Despite this, Adam was eventually diagnosed, and found to be on the autism spectrum. Adam completed high school at the age of sixteen, and began attending university, before being withdrawn for indecent sexual acts with the lab rodents, and subsequently attended home-school, instead. Still, Adam managed to rake in the babes.

When not spending his youth in the sunshine, indulging in rich food, or conversation with his mother, Nancy, Adam was to be found on his computer. He easily became a legend on the website Shocked Beyond Belief in which he voiced his opinion on many topics, including:

  • Children consenting to adult relationships
  • Veganism
  • 'The Bowl Hair Cut - Is It All It Is Cut Out To Be?'
  • Columbine, and Why I Hate Eric and Dylan (this was made redundant after finding a document on his hard drive analyzing the Columbine massacre, and phtoshopped images of Adam sucking Eric, and Dylan's dicks from a pornographic screen-shot)
  • 'Six Million More?'

Through the years, and approaching his late adolescence, Adam began a career in the art of break dancing, after completing all the songs of Dance Dance Revolution, much to his parents dismay. Upset by this, they filed for divorce, which affected Adam very much so that he appeared quite disturbed to his parents, and was forced to attend therapy. The treatment was discontinued after four appointments, in which the therapist did not want to be around Adam anymore, due to his "intense hatred of germs that rendered him unable to sit in a chair, and therefore insisted on attempting to lay on top of cupboards, or hang from the ceiling lights. He would not rest until he had accomplished this, thus every session was never commenced." However, nothing could be drawn from these statements, and to this day it is not conclusive why treatment for Adam could not cure what was yet to come.

edit The shooting

Adams bedroom

Adam's bright, inviting bedroom

As of December 14, 2012, 456 children were enrolled from pre-school, to the fourth grade. Adam put a stop to that. Coincidentally, he was handed the honorary title of spree killer. This was a gradual process, and is not taken lightly by any youth considering a school shooting. Adam was sure to take all precautions necessary, and sometime after 9:30 a.m., shot his mother while she slept, with a .22-caliber Savage MK II-F bolt action rifle. Investigators found her still wearing her pyjamas, and it was noted that her head was rather fucked up. Sources claim she was most likely shot.

It is unsure of why he targeted the Sandy Hook Elementary School, but it has been suggested that only weeks prior to this massacre, Adam was involved in a tryst with many of the older students whom claimed that although they did call him a "faggot" on the internet, and harassed him on his every-growing vegan, cookie recipes. One of Adam's last comments on the internet was, in fact:

I fuckin swear to god I will com e to your school and shoot u and all your pussy ass friends in the fuckin face swear on me life cunt

Sadly, this comment gives police experts no evidence of premeditation nor suggests a motive.

At around 9:35 a.m., Adam found the death of his mother so exciting, he stole her car to go tell the school children about it. Half-way, he remembered the comments about his vegan cookies on the internet, and changed his intentions. Pissed off, he shot his way into the elementary school, rather than knocking. The administration office took this as a sign that he was not an invited visitor. He was wearing black clothing, yellow ear plugs, sunglasses, and an olive green utility vest. Despite initial thought, Adam was not there to cut down any trees.

Many different reports of what happened during the shooting have been told in several interviews, but one of the more reliable students, Timothy Craig - deaf, and blind - states that Adam's intentions were nothing short of pure - but to be honest, nobody can really understand Timothy, so that's what is thought to be what he said. A faculty member who was at a teacher's meeting did not recognise the sound of gun shots, and dismissed them as 'probably fireworks'. This almost always is the wrong conclusion, when inside a school building.

The same woman remembers three other women call out "Shooter! Stay put!", and hearing Adam walk through the halls, and enter classrooms. He came into confrontation with children cowering, but shot them mercilessly. Thankfully, a week before, they had all received their tetanus shots. A nine-year old boy stated he heard another boy shout "Stop!", to which Adam promptly replied "Fuck off".

After slaying 27 of the attendees, Adam grew tired, and decided he needed to take a nap. After entering a quiet classroom, he was overcome by a spell of diziness, kneeled down onto the floor, and accidentally fired his Glock 20SF at 9:40 a.m., ultimately killing himself. Police heard no further shots, and finally entered the building, being put to use after hanging around outside. Adam was found by the door in classroom 10, and was hastily arrested, and put on trial for tax evasion.

edit Aftermath

After the shooting, girls all over the nation were sent to work to uncover background information on Adam Lanza, and detectives were met with multiple photos they had uncovered from god-knows-fucking-where. Many of these photographs were soon edited to have Adam wearing flower crowns, lyrics from bands such as Bring Me The Horizon and All Time Low strewn across them. Sexual fanfics were also created.

Pitbull, himself, was put in the limelight for influencing Adam's destructive ways, specifically with the song 'Hotel Room Service', to which he replied: "it's a good song".

Nobody could argue, and he has since been left alone.

edit Media influences

Many films have been curated on the Sandy Hook massacre, such as the critically acclaimed 'Baby Shook' that dealt with the undertones of shaken baby syndrome, but the name rhymed with Sandy Hook, and it was linked with such.

edit Broadway adaptations

Although 'Baby Shook' never took to Broadway, another play under the title 'Adam Lanza and the Big Fiasco' toured Europe for seven weeks before coming to an abrupt halt when authorities realized that the main 'character' of the play was indeed the actual cadaver of Adam Lanza, with strings tied to each limb, and used as a puppet to re-enact the massacre. His body had been stolen from court during trial breaks (for crimes aforementioned), and it was only after the police enjoyed the show, that he was re-arrested.

edit Gun control

President at the time, Barack Obama, was ridiculed by neighboring countries for once again on not enforcing gun control prior to a mass/spree shooting. He addressed this issue with promises that nothing like this would ever happen again - but it did. However, tension was immediately decreased after the release of the movie adaptation of 'Adam Lanza and the Big Fiasco', and the country was brought together once again under the cinematic power of a beautiful film, gun control far from their minds.

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