San Francisco, California
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“Whoever after due and proper warning shall be heard to utter the abominable word "Frisco", which has no linguistic or other warrant, shall be deemed guilty of a High Misdemeanor, and shall pay into the Imperial Treasury as penalty the sum of twenty-five dollars.”
~ Emperor Norton on San Francisco.
“More like...Coitus Tower. And GAY Coitus Tower at that.”
~ Ben Simon on San Francisco
“The place where they shot every communist on the street. It sucks.”
“San Francisco- the city by the gay!”
~ Gay person on San Francisco
“This is Gay!”
~ A guy visiting S.F. on San Francisco
“Yes please!”
~ Oscar Wilde on San Francisco
| Motto: "got n'y Spare Change?" | |
| Official languages | Filipino, Japanese, Chinese, Polish, MexiCAN, Korean, Italian, Nahuatl, Esperanto, Java, Vegetarian, Engrish, English |
| Mayor | Barry Bonds |
| Established | 0 A.D. |
| Re-Established | 1906 |
| Re-Re-Established | 1967 |
| Currency | Marijuana |
| Opening hours | All day everyday except twice a year on the first Thursday of every September |
| Civic anthem | "Tell me when to Go" |
The People's Republic of San Francisco, also known as "Asian Paris", "Homoland", "Home of the Mythbusters", "The City by the Gay" and the "Asian Capital of the Universe" is a communist colony in California. It has one of the highest populations of homosexuals, asians, hippies, and gay-asian-hippes in the world. Located across the bay from Oakland, San Francisco is a charmingly ugly city that smells like either hemp, urine or raw sewage depending on where you are. It's also considered the place where the hippie movement started in the 60's, and is known for putting the "metro" in "metropolis".
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[edit] Culture
[edit] People
There are many types of people in San Francisco: butt pirates, guitar playing hippies who have migrated from UC Berkeley, philosophy majors ("would you like fries with that?"), Cthulhu spawn, Smug hybrid car drivers who breathe in their own farts (a joke which I stole from South Park), Fabulous Friends of Dorothy, several thousand homeless living in luxury condos smoking crack, pissing and taking dumps on people's car hoods in broad daylight, an army of Tupac clones, even Robert Mugabe. San Franciscans are known for their love of Cher, wallabies and ferns. 90% of San Franciscians are homosexuals or at least bicurious. If you are straight, you're a bigot.
San Francisco is an ethnically diverse and well-integrated city. For example, the corridor along Mission Street contains everyone from norteños to chicanos to latinos to hispanics to Mexican-Americans, while Pacific Heights contains not only WASPs but also one (nonpracticing) Jew, Ward Connerly, one half-Irish lady and Robin Williams (each of whom have been mayor). But no matter what ethnicity, they all give each other free love on Haight and Castro (except for ugly, fat and old bitches and really old gay men). However, they pop caps into each other when one strays into another's hood.
San Francisco also has many historical cultural communities, such as the homeless that live on market street and the homeless that live in the Tenderloin. Other cultural groups include The homeless that live in shopping carts, the homeless that live in boxes, and the homeless.
San Francisco is often praised for being a clean city with virtually no ghettos, however this is not entirely true. For more information, see Oakland.
San Francisco has a shit load of gay dudes, but not nearly as many lesbos, since they all went to the East Coast; it is very easy for straight guys to pick up chicks in San Fransisco by mentioning this.
The city has a very high death-to-birth ratio, as most of the city dies of Rectal Trauma Distress Disorder (RTDD). This would normally be an issue, however, every year Mexicans and Chinese decide to immigrate in mass illegally, a tradition celebrated every year by the flying of rainbow flags and wearing of leather chaps during an event called San Francisco Pride.
[edit] History
San Francisco receives his name from the Japanese pioneer and sushi chef known as Flancisco-san. Due to bad Engrish and Russian Reversal, the name had been translated to what it is today.
San Francisco had a very troubled childhood that included an absent father, a crack-addicted mother, and being regularly beaten by his older brother San Diego, his younger brother San Jose, and not to mention, the Red Headed Step-Child of the California Family, Fresno. Local historians theorize this was because of his flaming homosexuality. It had a terrible break-up with a Latino macho Los Angeles after a brief affair with Latina transvestite Santa Ana.
San Francisco, now known for being the most important cultural Mecca in San Francisco County, has not always been so. Most of the city's fame stems from the importance it plays in western cultural history. From the birth of Jesus in the city's Mission District in 0 BC, to the Franciscan monks in the Middle Ages, to the glorious reign of Emperor Norton, to the Sexual Revolution *pelvic thrust* that began in the Haight, to the Silicon Revolution, and the Hyphy Movement, San Francisco has been and continues to be hella San Francisco.
The women are very ignorant. They are very flatulent and go figure, they constantly bother and insult out-of-town people about not liking punk rock and tone deaf music. All of them are English majors, hanging out in groups, and luckless. They have no guys to see because while they support gay rights, they love going to punk rock shows with hot guys. Guess what, all the guys are too busy having sex and hanging out by themselves. This has been going on for thousands of years.
[edit] Language
Unlike other Americans, San Franciscans speak fluent Fag, also known as French. Taking four years of French in high school not only allows you to speak with other San Franciscans in their native tongue, but also makes you a flaming homosexual in itself. Ten bucks says if you took French you also took Advanced Drama, and Home Economics.
In Chinese, San Fransisco is phonetically translated to "歪优办埋阿素", which literally means "Wai You Bang Mai Ass".
[edit] Celebrations
San Francisco is a center of gay culture. The annual gay pride parade through the Castro is world-famous. Less famous are the specialized street fairs.
Howard Street Fair - celebrating freak pride, which is more or less an event to get to know your neighbors.
Folsom Street Fair - celebrating leather pride, and is often mistaken for the Harrison Street Fair, since they're pretty much the same damned thing.
Harrison Street Fair - celebrating bear pride, also known as 'Ugly Hairy Homos who don't care to shave' pride.
Ashley Street Fair - celebrating furry pride.
Mission Street Fair - celebrating pedophiliac (Pervs and Baby-rapers) pride.
Mason Street Fair - celebrating sadism-maschosism (Pure mutual love) pride.
Market Street Fair - celebrating polyamorous (Sluts and satyrs) pride.
Columbus Street Fair - celebrating pregnancy fetishism (Prego-phile) pride.
Bryant Street Fair - celebrating the boundless, intelligent Anita Bryant and her role in gay history. This is also known as raving homophobe pride.
Homeless Street Fair - Well this isn't really a fair, as much as it is an entire district, known as the tenderloin. But it is very easy to mistake it as such.
[edit] Economy
San Francisco's economy is broken down as such:
- 3% Sourdough bread
- 52% Public transit fares
- 58% Parking fines
- 110% Ripping off tourists in Chinatown and Fisherman's Wharf
- 16% Condo sales to internet yuppies who work down in the South Bay
- 92% Hyphy Juice (available at your local 7-11)
- 17% Sperm bank robberies
- 420% Marijuana
- Hella% Bud
- 63.333333% New Tupac Albums (released every 5th week of the month)
- 12% Shopping carts and spare change
- 88% Selling Joe Montana's old jock straps
- 0.5% Death
- 32.3% Gay pornography
- 73.29% Frozen cum sales
- 44.9% Bongs
- 120% Math/addition scholarships
- 25.66666667% BALCO Steroids
- 12% Cat people
- 35% Hobos
- 3.14159% Brain-dead war protesters
- 67% Lysergic acid diethylamide (LSD for the fascists that are too dumb to understand basic scientific terms)
and *99.98% White yuppies, after all the gentrification has displaced all those Blacks, Mexicans and Orientals by now.
[edit] Cost of Living
San Francisco is one of the most expensive cities in America, particularly in rental costs. Too many fags flock to the city in search of getting fucked by a big man whose hair has migrated from his head to his chest, raising prices of everything from hourly hotels and porn videos, to condoms, lubricant, sex toys, and syphilis medicine. Even city subsidized glory holes are not free anymore, nor are pedophile rec centers such as Golden Gate Park. As such, the pedos are moving to Bangcock. Recent government attempts to increase middle-income housing by tearing down the freeways to build $800,000 high-rise condos for Internet yuppies have, for some reason, done little to help.
The lack of affordable housing has led to the highest homeless rate in the country, and the fact that many hippies are too stoned to remember where they live and end up sleeping in the park has not helped. Recently, the government has instituted a program known as Care Not Cash. Instead of spending money on the homeless, San Francisco tries to raise their self-esteem by showing that "we care." All citizens, under this program, are encouraged to hug every homeless person they see so as to spread lice.
San Francisco has not always been a cesspool of shit, piss, and homeless people sleeping everywhere. During the 1996 Atlanta Olympics, Atlanta realized that its homeless population and blatantly stupid Black population needed to be shipped somewhere. During this time, all bums, homeless people, hippies, crackheads, hobos, mexicans, and general unwanteds were shipped on a Greyhound Bus to San Francisco. There were parades in the streets, and San Franciscans everywhere opened their arms to the influx of new people about to get fucked in the ass for the first time.
And speaking of getting fucked in the ass, the advantage of having three million homeless in a city of half a million is that the streets are much safer: getting robbed and gang raped by a smelly group of panhandlers is always more fun than by just a single criminal. The homeless also serve as a ready supply of raw material for the Soylent Green collection trucks, and are particularly delicious when slow-roasted or just eaten right off the cob. People in SF have to recycle their pee-water as Global warming and the Apache conquest has drained Lake Tahoe.
[edit] Landmarks
Being a peninsula (Greek for "penis-shaped land"), San Francisco is a land of scenic bridges. Most famous is of course the Golden Gate Bridge to the North, connecting the city with the San Quentin penitentiary. To the East, the Bay Bridge connects San Franciscans to their crack dealers in Oakland. The Bay Bridge can be reached from dozens of locations in the South of Market district, usually by accident, as one lane of a major street, or even the entire street, becomes an unmarked freeway entrance. But this however is getting harder to do as the Golden Gate bridge and Bay Bridge often try to mate with eachother. Numerous bridges in the region connect the East Bay, the South Bay, the North Bay, and Honolulu, a region famed for its Chinese and Guatemalan grocery stores.
San Francisco is also a land of hills. The view from atop Twin Peaks is not to be missed on the two days every year when the fog thins sufficiently for visibility beyond three inches. Nob Hill provides a scenic view of the Tenderloin, allowing residents to look down hookers' tops and try to guess which were born female. Pacific Heights, a reserve set aside for politicians, is opened for 30 minutes every Sunday to allow the poor a brief look at the naked Golden Gate Bridge. Formerly-agricultural Potrero Hill provides stunning views of the new, empty highrise condos and loft buildings of the recent bayside gentrification, while formerly-industrial Bernal Heights is now a vibrant agricultural community, mostly hydroponic, providing hazy views of, like, something hella... um... dude, just check it.
The ultimate scenic overlook is found in the famous Tranamerica Building in the Financial district, Pereira's Prick, which also provides an automatically-respawning parachute, allowing tourists to reach hidden areas where they can perform unique jumps to increase their score.
The mascot of San Francisco is not the Golden Gate Bridge, nor even The Village People; it is Mayor Gavin Newsom's hair, which can be seen from almost all vantage points in the city. Like Gavie's hair, San Francisco will always be clean like a McDonald's public restroom, utterly fabulous at being boring, earthquake proof, homeless and hippie free, capable of making a damn good fair-trade organic GM free double shot decaf nonfat soy latte for all the freaks and ready to get down and party with the sceevy old farts in the Castro.
[edit] Transportation
San Francisco has a world-famous public transportation system, which is why only people from elsewhere in the world use it. In Fag, the native language for San Francisco, MUNI, which is NOT short for Municipal, is directly translated as "top system for breakdowns". Transportation Magazine called it "the best place in America to watch a bus run over an old Chinese lady crossing the street by another Chinese Man driving the bus". MUNI is primarily used by out-of-town assholes who don't know what the fuck they're doing, and stop natives on a constant basis all fucking day with "Uhh.. Excoozie... Where I am?".
Some locals are actually dumb enough to rely on this system of trains, buses, and pneumatic tubes known as MUNI. The MUNI buses are so well-known for being on time that the city funds a website, http://nextmuni.com, to brag about their timeliness. Transportation outside of the city core is provided by BART, a network of monorail systems (from the latin mono, meaning one, and rail, meaning thing that could collapse in the next earthquake). BART also doubles as sleeping quarters and restrooms for the region's homeless.
The mode of transportation most popular with tourists is the "El", a system of streetcars running on an elevated track, but parts of it go underwater too so that tourists can see the sharks that have eaten the escapees from Alcatraz, aka, "The Rock.". The streetcar has become a San Francisco icon, an essential part of any San Franciscan scene in movies, on TV, and at the end of Rice-a-Roni commercials.
Most locals drive, as street parking is plentiful throughout the city at reasonable costs ($539-$799, payable within four weeks of parking), and the 15mph speed limits on Market Street and other main drags make even the most distant parts of the city accessible in only a few short hours. One can also ghost ride his whip up and down the strip.
Rickshaws pulled by buck-toothed Chinamen with conical hats in Chinatown are also common, as are members of the Klu Klux Klan who live in the housing projects in the Western Addition.
[edit] Government
San Francisco is an oddity in California politics, being not only a city, but also a county, as well as an independent constitutional monarchy. However, after the death of Emperor Norton over a century ago, the power of the crown has waned, and current bitch Nancy Pelosi is little more than a figurehead. However, she still has the authority to conduct trade agreements with the United States, as can be seen in her recent lucrative deals to import pot from Humbolt and export pot to Los Angeles).
Most authority now rests in the Great Central Computer that sits in the old State Capitol building, overseen by The Lead Programmer, Mayor Gavin Newsom. ("Mayor" is his first name; "May" to his friends.) Newsom's responsibilities include feeding data into the computer, announcing the computer's proclamations, fucking his best friend's wife, and performing ceremonial, invalid gay weddings. Newsom somehow managed to marry a hot supermodel lawyer transvestite android wife while simultaneously catering to the gay voting bloc by looking like a complete homo by masterbating in public. Eventually the drugs wore off and she moved to New York.
Newsom is assisted by a team of programmers affectionately known as the County Board of Supervisors, although most of the actual work is outsourced to Bangalore.
Newsom was reelected in a landslide victory in 2007. His reelection was no surprise because because the vast majority of the City's residents are hoping to jump Gavin's bone. An effort to upset his reelection was headed by Alex Tourk, Newsom's one time campaign manager turned cuckold by Newsom himself, when he founded Families Against Gavin (FAG). FAG's failure was also no surprise since it's members included Tourk joined by two lesbian women and the three other straight men that reside in San Francisco. Newsom will now serve his second term in office where he will be swooned over by all women in the city between the age of 16 and 98 and continue to perform gay marriages in which each of the men getting married is imagining that he is in fact marrying Newsom himself rather than the other chubby bear/fiancée in a tux.
San Francisco has its own leather-jodhpur-clad Militia, who dispense justice with a crack of the whip. Spanking is reserved only for those who have been really, really naughty. All of the self-proclaimed "ass police" are issued their very own ball gag and studded leather paddle.
[edit] Religious Tolerance
People living in California who practice heterosexuality are often burned at the stake by the heterophobes. San Franciscans, being enlightened liberals, know that religious people are intolerant, and therefore do not tolerate them.
[edit] Travel Tips
While San Francisco is a large, tiny, urban city, it is entirely safe to walk around its colorful, historic and elegant neighborhoods. Such neighborhoods include Hunter's Point, Bayview, Dogpatch, Visitacion, and of course the Tenderloin, where many LA celebrities and NY socialites choose to stay when in San Francisco for the Grammys, Tonys, and Oscars, which are all held at Harry & Bob's Soup Kitchen Ampitheatre and Small Engine Repair Emporium. San Francisco also includes a diverse collection of ethnic neighborhoods, such as the Hispanic Inner Mission, the Hispanic Outer Mission, the Hispanic Excelsior district, and, well, the rest is just Chinatown. The city's gay districts are notorious for their incredible discounts on butt plugs, vibrators, and other anal stimulation items of all shapes and sizes. This is due to Harvey Milk's pioneering "Dildos for Peace" program.
San Francisco is known for its wide variety of world-class cuisine. For example, on Geary Street, visitors can find two Jack 'n the Box restaurants--and, right around the corner on Market Street, the only Del Taco north of Fresno. Thai style delicacy of fried cockroaches with oyster sauce are available just about anywhere in Chinatown, except they are eaten raw as passing food off as Japanese is commonplace here, but you have to stomp on them gently so as to not spill the guts before they run off. Travelers looking for history can visit the famous Haight-Ashbury area, where the spirit of the 60's lives on in dozens of shops transplanted from Hollywood's Melrose district and New York's Greenwich Village. Other popular tourist traps include the oldest baseball stadium in California (now a Safeway). Great discount shopping can be found in the Fisherman's Wharf and Union Square areas (beware of the fakes!). For travelers with young children, the Castro District and South of Market are always exciting, especially at night. Be sure to pack your bright pink hot pants and your assless chaps, and baby you are ready to take on San Francisco!
[edit] THE DAMN DIRTY HIPPIES!
Currently, there are a cult of hippies living in the San Francisco sewers. They live down there because hippies enjoy living in their native habitat, which is generally filled with shit, piss, and of course, weed. Most of these hippies feed off the living dead. Reports are coming in about how they use the slime coating on their bodies to slither up a person's toilet pipe, out of there toilet, and then they rob the house and blast Led Zeppelin music. Reports have also been coming in about DIRTY DAMN HIPPIES who eat peoples asses off when there taking a crap, (the victim is usually constipated because of vast amounts of dirty vegetarian tacos). No-one has actually seen one of these Cult Sewer-Dwelling Hippies, but they always leave the unmistakeable odor of Skunk everywhere they've been.
Non-Cult Above-Ground Hippies in San Francisco tend to be very enlightened. They care about the poor because they learned about them from their college professor, and not to mention, are usually penniless themselves. For examples of hippies who have lived, or are living in San Francisco, see Gandhi, That old guy who lives on 19th and doesn't bathe, Mama Cass, and of course the memorable Miles Davis. God damned stinking hippy.
[edit] Famous Residents
- Michael Savage
- Osama bin Laden
- Cockroaches
- Hippies
- That coked-up comedian who was in all those weird movies
