San Diego Padres

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“I once hid a whole squadron of X-Wings there and still had room for a star destroyer.”

~ Wedge Antilles on PETCO Park

The San Diego Padres are Catholic missionaries that, like all other religious zealots, travel the world teaching life lessons with balls and jock straps.

[edit] Petco Park

Petco Park is the current home field for the San Diego Padres. It has become a field that is unliked by hitters, due to its extremely deep outfield. Its not exactly known yet how far the fence is from home plate, but it is believed to be somewhere around 2 KM's. A team of surveyors was sent with a measuring tape a little over six months ago to find out how far it is. So far there has been no answer, but we pray for their safe return soon.

[edit] The change to Padres

With time and battle the San Diego Priests became fewer and fewer. It became clear that the team would need to start finding new players. San Diego being so close to the mexican boarder meant quite a number of mexican priests (known down there as Padres) tried out for the team. It wasn't long before the team consisted of more Padres then Priests and the team name was changed to what it is today.

[edit] Colorado Rockies

Sometime after october 2007 the Pads were set to fight the Colorado Rockies for the NL Wild Card. John Cena played with the Rockies because they offered him a virgin from the team which he accepted. 13th inning the game was tied at 8-8 and Cena hits a sac fly. Martha Holliday comes in to score from third and wins the game. However, he did not touch homeplate and therefore the game( in the eyes of the padres) has not ended. To this day the Friars are still on the field waiting for the Rockies to continue their 30+ day game that is still going.

[edit] Famous Padres players

• Gary Sheffield, Still an outfielder who thought he could play third base when he played for the Padres. Is still considered the biggest prick to play for the Padres.
• Fred McGriff, Had the nickname Crimedog. This is because the Padres hid him after he was wanted for killing a dog
• Tony Gwynn, In 1992 he became the first player to fail to hit his own weight and still win the batting title.
• Trevor Hoffman, Son of Dustin Hoffman, has been with the club so long that its believed that if he retires there will be no more Padres. He is the best Player of all time and Best Pitcher!
• Ken Caminiti, The Padres traded for him in 1995. At least thats what they told people. Instead, they built a steroid fueled robot and put it in his uniform in the hope he would win them a championship, it almost worked.
  

  

  The Ken Caminiti-bot almost brought the Padres there first world series win
• Brian Giles, He played for the Pirates, then the Pirates traded him to the Padres (I know, the Pirates suck.) Giles was the team butler until they realized he could hit better then most of the team.
• Scott Baio, Managed the team from 1996 to 2003 after he was run out of town by Milwaukee Brewers fans
• Ricky Henderson, Winner of the "Why wont you just retire and Die already" award. Henderson has currently been playing for 24 years.
• Woody Williams, Its a little known fact that Woody Wood Pecker's last name is Williams
• Mike Piazza, A made man from New York who has been sent to the west coast to help the family set up business
• Gaylord Perry(What isn't everyone gay),.......yeah, I dont think I need to make this anymore funny
• Dave Winfield,The butterfingers candy bar got its name from his fielding
• Randy Jones
• John Cena, He lead them to every single one of the padres World Series Wins.
• The San Diego Chicken, arguably the best player in Padres history.

George Clooney is a better athelete while drunk.

Ever heard The Vandals song "Dispropanate head"? Guess who they wrote it about. Thats right, Gaylord Perry. His giant melon was a major factor in his baseball career. When pitching, it would put off opposing batters as the would be more concerned with his head then the pitch coming in. While Perry enjoyed much success in his career, he was never able to find a hat that could fit his scone. At one point he was heard to ask how he would go taping a tarp to his head. In 2412, Perry ended his career, siting age as the reason.... That and his never ending search for a hat that fit him. Good luck Gaylord.