Tottenham Hotspur
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| Tottenham HotSPURMS | |
| File:150px-New Tottenham Hotspurm FC Badge.JPG | |
| Spurry-Wurrys | |
| Founded | Day 7 |
| Ground | Shite Fart Lame, London |
| Manager | Harry I kidnapped Houdini" |
| Chairman | Danny from The Shining |
| League | FA Premiership |
Tottenham Hotspurm are an illegal criminal gang, previously led by criminal mastermind dimitar berbatov before he declared his love for universal champions arsenal fc and was sent away to another illegal gang named manure. Hotspur then plummeted down the league and were in last place for a part of the year. They may have picked up form but the laws of science declare that they generally suck. Tottenhams rivals are Arsenal, who some feel are a great football team and i have to agree.
In the 100 years of the FA Premier League's existence, it has been empirically proven that Tottenham cannot complete a league season above a position of fifth. Some believe that this is due to the fact that the previous coach, Dutchman Martin Jol, insisted that the team were fed a diet of Asda own-brand Lasagne, which is of questionable quality but very good value for money. It is thought that due to budget constraints, old pieces of lasagne are reheated at mealtimes towards the end of the playing season, forcing a further drop of the teams already questionable form via a widespread bout of food poisoning. Either that, or they're just crap.
They are known to openly imitate their bitter arch-enemy Arsenal in every way possible(bar molesting children which is a strictly arsenal profesion). For example, Arsenal's policy of signing prodigious youngsters has been eagerly followed by the Spurs with a laughable degree of success. In addition, Tottemham plays "beautiful football", which consists of Jermaine Penis running around like a confused muffin and a scrappy goal spaffed over the line every so often.
Tottenham has a large Jewish fan base. They show their support during matches by waving Israëli flags, stealing money, and not eating pork I guess. Their fans consist of a gathering of over-aged shirtless men whose lives are so dilapidated that their last straw of hope is embedded in a football club. However, due to this club being Tottenham, their lives can just be branded as being pathetic.
[edit] History
Tottenham are not the San Antonio Spurs, as someone has suggested, but the 'Hotspur' tag derives from the fact that the town of Tottenham once housed a Spur factory which exported its boot-accessories to the 'western' area of the USA. The spur-making machines were known to get very warm in the manufacturing process, so former owner Phillip Schofield added 'Hotspur' to the name in 1930.
In 1961 Tottenham completed the English League and Cup double and routinely flog their fans with whips, chains and other pervert paraphernalia in order to preserve the intangible memory.
Tottenham Hotspur were known as Totteringham Hotspuds between 1993 and 1997 due to a cynical two-pronged marketing ploy. The first 'prong' was the incorporation of their best player Edward P. Sheringham's name into the team's name in an effort to convince the masses that the team were better than they actually were. The second change was made as an attempt to increase attendances by attracting fans of potato-based food-stuffs to matches. The ploy failed due to a breakdown of communication with the catering staff, and potato fans shunned the club when they found no traces of potato on the club's food menus, save for the Cornish pasties (which were only 12% potato).
Tottenham never quite managed to recover from this terrible mistake and have ever since been cursed to be stuck mid table. Despite a minor victory in the Careless Cup, Tottenham's poor showings against Arsenal in the past are deemed to be a result of an ancient French curse that Arsene Wenger targeted on the club. Apparently, Wenger made a faecal deposit in every corner of White Heart.
Tottenham's supporters are well known in footballing circles as being of lower than average human or even mollusc intelligence. As such, White Hart Lane does not employ the use of lettered and/or numbered signage. Instead, to navigate the corridors of the aforementioned stadium, the hallways are designed in a manner not unlike the design of a very productive abattoir that processes domesticated livestock of the swine variety.
Millions. Shh ^^
[edit] Current Manager
Tottenham’s current manager is Harry redknapp, the father of Ron Weasley from the famous Harry potter film. Most people feel he is a good manager as he seems to be steering Tottenham away from the relegation zone. But this fact is unfounded and untrue as Harry actually used the dark arts and a large variety of voodoo dolls to get his team to where they are today. Harry likes to motivate his team by showing them how good they COULD be by letting them play FIFA 09 in their training sessions. This tends to over excite the squad as they then seem to think they could actually win the league and qualify for a spot in the champs league. Their fans aren't much better, but they're all inbreds and/or Welsh so no-one cares.
Some players have been heard talking about how frightened they are of "Harry I kidnapped Houdini" as he often threatens to eat whoever does not perform well on the pitch. Apart from ensuring that his pubic hairs are as ginger as the hairs on his head, Harry also enjoys bribing officials and reading "How to manage a mediocre football club for dummies". It is also said that Harry is trying to outlaw the fans stadium gangbangs as it distracts and excites his players and he also feels it is unfair as he cannot join in the fun. Harry is also likened to quagmire off of familyguy with his head swaying motion and the words gigitty gigitty coming from his mouth. Some call Harry Redknapp a wrinkled old dog and laugh at the fact that he has a eye half closed
[edit] Success
Not being a generally successful team, the Spurs made a big thing of the time they won the 1999 Irn-Bru Cup with a late overtime winner from Danish milkman Allan Nielsen. The opposing manager, Martin O'Neill, was devastated and left to lead his pixie clan to world domination (current stop: Grimsby), whilst Spurs celebrated a random and rare trophy win. To celebrate, Sir Alan Sugar (owner of Tate and Lyle and Silver Spoon) took the team on a week long break to San Antonio, Texas, where he used the time as a cunning ploy to fire players he didn't like. The Apprentice was born.
Fortunately, German death metal legend and part time dentist Steffen Freund survived the mass cull. As did his mullet, which is currently on display at the British Museum.
During the 06/07 season, Spurs are widely expected to win the Premier League, FA Cup, Carling Cup, UEFA Cup, Champions League, Copa Libertadores, Copa del Rei, Spanish Premiership, the Bundesliga title and the Italian championship, but will in all likliehood simply 'nearly' win them all because they will not have enough players due to "food Poisening" they will then drug the other team and pay the ref 1000 pies. This summer, the Spurs team, disguised as Italians, won the World Cup.
They somehow got Thierry Henry to sign for them (see left).
Harry Redcocks first act as manager was to buy back all of the shite players that Ramos sold. Even the spud fans did not like the idea. When asked why he did it his only response was "Apples and Pears me old china?"
They managed to win the Carling Cup (they were however, the only team to field players over the age of 7) and as a special celebration all the fans ejaculated onto the Wembley pitch and forced the Chelsea players to lick it off. Also they raped Cashley after the match which he enjoyed. Unfortunately, the Arsenal team were watching and they enjoyed watching Cashley and the Chelski boys licking up the white fluids and because of this Wenger is now interested in the whole Chelski team.
They recently managed to hold Le Arsenal to a 4-4 draw at Arsenal's homeground in Lorraine when David Bentlissimo, a superior version of a failed former Blackburn player scored from 3 point land deep into injury time when Le Arsenal were 4-1 up. To buy the DVD of the "win" go the official Spurs website: www.wearecunts.com
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