Samus Aran
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“I used to get game overs on purpose then go masturbate.”
~ Justin Wiles on Samus Aran in Super Metroid
“Civilization could not exist without the help of Samus Aran. I mean, sexy men are needed to uphold a strong species.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Samus Aran's sexual appeal
“Samus is a GIRL?!?!?”
~ Captain Oblivious on Samus Aran's gender confusion
“What a Bitch.”
~ Master Chief on his relationship with Samus Aran
“Meh, she's kind of hot... as far as female bounty hunters go.”
~ Boba Fett on Samus
“Show me your boobs!!”
~ Captain Falcon on Samus
“I wish I had boobs...”
~ Dark Samus on reading Captain Falcon's quote
| Warning. This Article contains the spoiler that Samus is a girl, so, if you don't want to find out that Samus is a girl, which she is, don't read it. Because Samus is a girl |
Samus Aran, named after the anagram "A Mars Anus," was born 1976 on the Earth colony K-21AA (originally named Messaline), and later moved to Zebes, and is a girl in a Chozo suit with a gun. The reason for being a bounty hunter is because some douchebags, known as Space Pirates killed her hot adoptive mom and cool adoptive dad (Her one true parent abandoned her less than an hour after she was born). She is known for shooting creatures, killing aformentioned Space Pirates, and blowing shit up on faraway planets in large quantities, and that includes blowing (up) planets. And also a war veteran of the Invasion of Uncyclopedia. She is voiced by Georgia Moffet.
She is a bounty hunter, and a fucking good one too, for she has murdered more bioforms than anyone recorded in history(as the only female, whereas Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris are known to kill millions). Samus wears a suit which conceals her identity as a female Timelord, for she wears a jumpsuit and that sucks for fighting bad guys (although it does make her invincible). In her lifetime, Samus has killed such people with heavy bounties on their heads like Kirby's Evil Clone, Captain N, Zabuza, and Homer Simpson and has almost annihilated races such as the X-Cholo and the Metroids. For her exploits in ridding the universe of the Metroidss, she was made an honorary "Sexy Warrior God(dess) of War" by Zeus in 1492 AD. However, the story that Zeus bore Samus a child in the form of Theodore Roosevelt is widely regarded to be everything but rumor and hearsay. Samus Affiliates The Soviet Union from 2065-Present. The Soviet Union Trains Samus To Kill Capitalists,Nazis,And Speak Russian.
Samus and Nathan Fillion were old army buddies, and she was his first mate on his ship, Anxiety.
Contents |
[edit] Conception
Samus Aran was born in the most horrific, terrifying, nerve-racking and insulting way possible: in a Doctor Who episode. Here's a video of it.
[edit] Childhood
Samus before she became a kickass bounty hunter.Samus was always kickass.
[edit] Nintendo and Gay Rights
Nintendo has actually been working on equalizing the playing field in video games between straights and homosexuals. Samus is usually portrayed feminine as most video gamers do not want to believe that Samus is, in fact, female. Nintendo has been working behind the scenes with GRALATIF nonstop since the first Metroid game has hit the stores. GRALATIF representative Miyatomi Hikanashi was the one to come up with the idea of disguising Samus as a male in later games to please the fans of the series.
[edit] Samus and Master Chief
Samus actually went to college with equally famous Robo-Armor Person Master Chief, aka John Carpenter. Both have admitted on camera that they had a brief flame, but, as Samus has put it, "Do you have any idea how hard it is to have a romantic dinner when you can't see the guy's face?" There are rumors that they continued dating behind the backs of partners Cortana and (At the time) Adam Malkovich, but this has been discouraged by both. When questioned, Master Chief responded with "She was a bitch back in college. I can't tell you how many times I'd try to strike up a conversation and get a faceful of plasma beam."
There was a renewed controversy between them when Master Chief's first game, Halo, launched and featured a parasite incredibly similar to the Metroid, whom Samus has fought numerous times. Master Chief was asked about this, and said, "The Flood are nothing like Metroids. At all. Ever. Period. I mean, they jump on your BACK! Not your face! God! I mean, how could you confuse them? Sure, they're both gross bug-things, and their basic body shape is incredibly similar [also not really], and they're parasites that are potentially lethal to the human race and have to be kept in seclusion on numerous planets/constructs scattered around the cosmos, but they jump on your BACK!" The reporter who took this story was killed thirty seconds later by what appeared to be a snark stuffed with carrots.
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[edit] Samus and Captain falcon
A long while ago, Samus and Captain Falcon dated. Which lasted approximately three seconds. Captain Falcon was, once again, serving his duties as a warrior of Super Smash Bros. Brawl. It was a one on one. Falcon was edging forward in the battle, three lives to one, as he fought an excruciatingly painful battle with Samus. Samus was on her last life as Captain Falcon managed to Falcon-Punch a smashball and glow with fury. He unleashed his "Falcon Powers" by saluting an F-Zero vehicle, whilst mumbling what sounded like "Show me your moves." Samus happened to be in the way. All we see in the final smash is what happens outside the vehicle. However, the key to Captain falcon and samus' dating was in the magic inside. Captain Falcon five-stared samus (otherwise known as 69-ed.) In the rapid action she lost her helmet, upon realization that samus was a girl, captain falcon completed rethought his last moves and flung samus off the screen and yelled something in what seemed to sound to the cheering crowd as "aarrghhhhhh!." Thus Captain falcon saying "Show me your boobs" is completely unproven, and could possibly be completely unjustified. After all, captain falcon is the only character in Super Smash Bros that actually has an original colour as purple, which happens to be the international gay colour. Coincidence?
[edit] Samus and Carmine
It has been widely rumoured that she has been having a relationship with none other than the god himself: Carmine. Both have been asked if a relationship has ever taken place; Sam says that there is a relationship and Carmine refuses to comment.
