Samurai

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A samurai secret, ultimate weapon. These swords can be shot at a long distance, fast enough to penetrate the sound barrier and go faster than the speed of light.

“Pfft...fags.”

~ a ninja on samurais.

“I'll see on the battlefield.”

~ Tom Cruise minutes before being mowed down by Gatling guns of the modern Westernized Japanese Army since the gun is mightier than the sword.

Samurai (Homo samuraius) are warriors most commonly associated with feudal Japan, and the ancient enemies of the ninja (yes, even before pirates made it cool). They are famous for their complex code of honour, and study the martial art known as bushido. They are renowned for their love of cake. Tom Cruise is not the last samurai.. They have eyes that can slice like swords.

The samurai nearly went extinct in the late 1870s due to actions by the Japanese Meiji government. However, like a really bad venereal disease, the samurai cannot be completely wiped out. They currently enjoy protected species status (and we do mean enjoy--the ninja want to have another go at them).

[edit] Honour

The samurai place a strong emphasis on honour, which is determined by how many battles a samurai can win, how good he is at swordplay, how skilled he is. They are the predecessors to the Mafia of today. They often raped, pillaged, killed and took law into their own hands. Honour, to a samurai, is far more important than life, and therefore when a samurai runs out of honour, they will commit ritual suicide.

Samurai have a lot of rules about killing, all of which are very restrictive. Sometimes samurai want to kill people, but can't due to it being considered "dishonourable." Other times honour compels samurai to kill someone they don't want to (though it's extremely rare for a samurai to pass up an opportunity to kill someone).

[edit] Hierarchy

A modern-day samurai attempts to deceive his enemy using the ancient "art of deception".

The most powerful samurai form what is known as the Council of the Seven Samurai. Presently, the members are Hello Kitty, Himura Kenshin, Toshiro Mifune, Sasaki Kojiro , Sauron, Jesus, and the present Grandmaster Samurai Shogun, Miyamoto Musashi. Tom Cruise is a former member of the Council, but he was kicked out because he was "not smart" and failed his blood pressure test while filming the movie "The First Samurai." Mr. Cruise has gone on to be the most common opponent of the Council, and has been stripped of any samurai status due to his persistent refusal to perform ritual suicide despite being out of honour. Also notably absent from the list are the Samurai Pizza Cats.

[edit] Relationship with Ninja

The samurai and the ninja have been at war for thousands of years. The only time in which the samurai and ninja have lived in peace was the Edo Period, where then-Grandmaster Samurai Shogun Tokugawa Ieyasu was ruler of Egypt. For the most part, however, they've been at each others' throats for the better part of two millenia. Occaisionally, however a samurai may join forces to kill pirates. This is because like all Asian subgenres they are related usually as brothers/sisters. Pirates, being mostly inbred are Never related to ninjas or samurai. The samurai dislike pirates since they stole the pirates style of being obnoxiously colorful. As of 2009 due to the world economic situation the Ninja and Samurai peoples have form a permanent alliance against pirates because kept undercutting Ninjas and Samurais on jobs and mercenary contracts. Contrary to popular belief, ninja actually don't use the katana sword like the samurai do, because no ninja could afford them (they can only steal them but it's useless if they don't know how to use them). However some stupid Hollywood movie directors tend to depict a ninja who is able to use katana (even pointlessly swings the sword using one hand only) and then proudly produce their so-called martial art movie while the Japanese are laughing at their stupidity.

[edit] The Katana

Main Article: Katana

The katana is a special sword that can shoot a projectile with a range of the average distance to Mars. If used properly, it can nullify a full-scale nuclear strike. This is no doubt where the designers of the Legend of Zelda got the idea for the projectiles that shoot out of Link's sword when he is at full hearts, as the samurai is only able to shoot these projectiles while at full HP. The projectile generated is unique to each katana, but the most common form is that of a hockey puck. It takes several years of training to be able to unleash this projectile, however. Katana are the preferred weapon of the samurai, with recent studies showing four out of five samurai using it. (We believe that the fifth would use a katana as well, had he not lost both his hands to Shegiru Miyamoto in a duel that he ultimately won.) Samurai have been known to use the wakasashi in unison whilst wielding the katana. The wakazashi is a smaller form of the sword, and is most commonly used to shave private parts, cut toenails, and slit the throats of bad comedians. Samurai place a high value on comedy, and comics are widely known to fear the Death List when it is announced each year at the Academy Awards. Currently, Carrot Top is at the top of the list. One thing about katana is, it is always used as a backup or secondary weapon when the penis failed.

[edit] Iron Fists of Fury

Possibly the deadliest of all samaurai weapons are their Iron Fists of Fury. Known to break through rock, brick, and more importantly peoples skulls. Training them with beans ... then working their way up to steel ball bearings, these guys are truly Ballsy. For more information on Iron Fists of Fury and how to develop them yourselves visit http://ironbodytraining.blogspot.com/

[edit] The Grandmaster Samurai Shogun

A portrait of the first Grandmaster Samurai Shogun, Hello Kitty.

The highest rank any samurai can achieve is that of Grandmaster Samurai Shogun. This title was first claimed by the samurai Hello Kitty. Hello Kitty resigned the title after two hundred years. Famous holders of the title have been Akira Kurosawa, who held the title during the 1950s and created a movie loosely based on the Council of the Seven Samurai, and Toyotomi Hideyoshi, who presided over the "golden age of the samurai." The previous Grandmaster Samurai Shogun is Miyamoto Musashi, who only used wooden swords "just to make things more challenging." Until one day a million ninjas attacked him in his fortress of solitude ( which was full of a thousand samurai ) and forced Miyamoto Musashi and the last 40 samurai into the tearoom of the fortress of solitude, which 600 of the 1000 samurai had died trying to defend. Locking themselves in the tea room, Miyamoto Musashi and the last 40 samurai barricaded the door. However, the ninjas just climbed in through the windows and threw throwing stars into the back of the samurai who were busy drinking tea, celerbarting the magnificent archietecture of their barricade. The samurai all died apart from Miyamoto Musashi, who commited suicide because he had failed to defend the tea. Miyamoto Musashi was replaced by the masterchief as the Grandmaster Samurai Shogun. We Are 4chan we are legion We..Are..Everything. Recent rumours have led us to beleive, that chuck norris will become the next Grandmaster Samurai Showgun, wether it is true is yet to be confirmed.

[edit] See Also

• Bullshitdo
• Ninja

and katz