Samuel L. Vacuum
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“This sonofabitch stole my business.”
Samuel L. Vacuum is an African-American/Vacuum (Blackuum) actor who does not like mothersucking dust on his mothersucking carpet.
Maybe you didn't find that funny.
While it is certainly arguable that the above sentence, which took me an approximate amount of a month to get precisely the right pacing and accenting, is not in the slightest bit funny, I must contest. You may have reached toward the "Edit" button atop the screen, perhaps to add a deletion tag or perhaps add some qualified wittiness, such as perhaps claiming that Mr. Samuel L. Vacuum "raped Tim Allen in the ass", or perhaps was "the inventor of ragtime music." Both of these viable options would not serve as a suitable addition to a sentence... nay, masterpiece, of this quality because I have specific reasons to counter you, as I am well prepared, and you are not.
It has clever wordplay.
Shaming any mindless garbage that you have come up with, the perfection of a sentence that I have come up with contains a key element in wit; wordplay. Like Shakespeare himself, my tireless mind has come up with a brand new word made by cleverly integrating the ordinary, boring words black and vacuum to produce a brand new one: Blackuum. I have little to no doubt that in time, this word will find its way into every dictionary you could possibly find, and that I will have left my landmark on language itself.
What have you done to language, huh? Nothing, that's what. How dare you look down on the beauty I have transcribed and released to the masses.
Pop Culture References
I believe that you will find, upon close examination, the presence of a variant of Mr. Jackson's classic (and pardon my French) "motherfucker" line in my beautiful sentence. While this may originally seem a little cliché to you, I assure you it has been well thought out. For one, it has been edited to fit exactly the new situation I am proposing; as well as this, it allows everyone to feel a connection to the work, particularly those (such as you) who do not understand the clever satire inherent. Now, you see that my inclusion of this reference is one that is absolutely vital to the full health and imagery of the sentence.
Think hard about your creativity. Would you have ever thought of such a concept as Mr. Jackson as a vacuum cleaner? It is exceptionally doubtful, as these bursts of originality only come to geniuses such as myself. Considering the idea itself, it is marvelously whimsical; combining both the imagery of a famous actor combined with common house appliance, as well as simply hitting a peak of absurdity that is certain to elicit a hearty chuckle, followed by a deep consideration of meaning.
It is perfection, simply enough. But I must add to it; I must make this work one of many, one to lay out a level for all those aspiring writers to jump off. I must set my example clearly, straightly, and with confidence. With that, I bring you the final section of my work:
- Unlike Samuel L. Jackson, Samuel L. Vacuum does not like peaches.
- Samuel L. Vacuum is a Mormon.
- Samuel L. Vacuum is the last vacuum to enter the white house.
Now, I can die with joy.
My work here, I believe, has been done. With a teary gaze in my eye, I leave this beautiful passage to you; shall you always treasure it in your hearts, and realize that I am with you, my words reaching out of their flat barrier to touch your life, and the lives of those around you.