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“Look, I didn't say they were monkeys, I just said they looked like monkeys.”
Samuel Anthony Alito, Jr. (born April 1, 1950) is a demon of great power who has long waited in the shadowy darkness, waiting, lusting for a chance to emerge and wreck his bloody doom. DOOM! For fifteen long years he has waited in the underbelly of the Circuit Court system, occasionally feasting on the blood of the weak and helpless, before retreating back into his disguise of a humble impartial man.
Can you deny it? Look into his red eyes. Hear his deep and thundering voice of doom. Famed vampire hunter, Ted Kennedy, knows it. Desperately he and his fellows have tried to warn the world. Why don't you listen to them?
Join us in opposing the forces of Alito before it is too late!
Alito is assuredly one of the great fallen angels. Originally recorded in the "Book of Enoch", Alito takes his place among those 200 first cast from the heavens. Once this Lord of Hell comes to the bench and joins his fellows Scalia, the lord of "you have no rights" theology,, Thomas, the lord of "take what they will trickle down to you and smile" dogma, and Roberts, the demon of No-French-Fries-on-the-Subway, he will be there for life, and he will never die.
There on the Supreme Court the ancient vampire will pursue his plan of subjugating us to his own view of the constitution, insisting that it is a dead document and that no action can be taken by anyone ever unless it is specifically mentioned in the constituion. Hence, no one named Ira will ever have rights in perpetuity.
In a previous existence Alito appeared as the snake being stomped on by St. Michael in many statues, paintings and other artifacts.
Famed vampire hunter Ted Kennedy has recently dug into his files and discovered a variety of memos that show, beyond doubt, that Samuel Alito is a vampire. These memos have also proven that he was a member of the KKK and ate babies. Ted Kennedy says there is no reason whatsoever to question the authenticity of these notes. Also, according to totally reliable unnamed sources, Samuel Alito shot Lincoln.
Alito, Mr. Kennedy has revealed, likes nothing more than to prey on the weak and helpless, such as women, children, Blacks, gays, and criminals, who have no one to stand up for them besides a major political party that made the laws for more than half a century.
Alito's weaknesses include goodness, truth, happiness, and love. These things make Alito make a noise kind of like "WRRYYYYYYYY" and shrink back in pain. Please use them on him at all oppurtunities. Garlic and holy water are known to work too. Crucibles should be avoided, however, because while Alito has shown no negative reaction to them, they may cause great danger to particular Justices if held by someone working for the government.
Valiant defenders of the people like Ted "More-Liberal-Than-Thou" Kennedy and Joe "I Hate Princeton" Biden are already combating this menace. With them, there is hope for a peaceful future. Join us today!
Alito has a "buy" position on coathanger stocks.