Samson

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Samason Baseball
Samson fielding a ball

Bedwetter and actor Michael Landon's hero, the long-haired Samson (whose arms, legs, armpits, chest, stomach, groin, buttocks, and back weren't hairless, either) was a circus strongman known for his skill in handling the jawbones of asses and his weakness for beautiful, but conniving, women. As a youth, he played for the Israelites' minor league baseball team, the Angels, batting a perfect .500 with his jawbone-bat. He was no slouch in his position in the outfield, either. Ambidextrous, he could play either the left or the right field equally well and sometimes did double duty as shortstop.

Major League Status

Drafted into the major leagues, he played for the Desert Lions against the team’s greatest foes, the Philistines. With him on the Lions’ team, they proved undefeatable, and the Lions were favored by many to win the year's World Series, which, for the past seven years, had been won by the Philistines. Unwilling to suffer the humiliation of losing their championship to a team led by a circumcised upstart like Samson and aware of his proclivity for womanizing, the Philistines hired a beautiful woman named Delilah to take the young player’s mind off the game. Suspecting that Samson was taking steroids and, possibly, Viagra, they asked her, if it was possible, to use her feminine wiles to learn the secret of his amazing strength, stamina, agility, speed, and energy.

Turning Point in Samson's Career

In the decisive, tie-breaking game, at the bottom of the ninth inning, with two outs and the bases loaded, Samson stepped up to the plate. The team’s coach called a time out, delivering a message to his star player: Delilah needed to speak with him at once; it was an emergency: she’d missed her period and was concerned that Samson had impregnated her. “I haven’t even had sex with her,” he protested before hurrying from the field.

Delilah's Dirty Deed

Using his super speed, he raced to Delilah’s side. She expressed amazement at the few seconds it had taken him to sprint the distance--15 miles--from the stadium to her house, a mansion in the Gaza Hills. She said she'd fetch him a cool drink, leaving the room. When she returned, she crept up behind Samson and held a cloth soaked through with chloroform over his nose and mouth. Despite his strength, the hero quickly succumbed, falling unconscious. Delilah was not exceptionally bright, but she wasn't dull, either, and she'd been able to figure out that what made Samson stronger than 12 other men was the same thing that made him different from them: he was hairier than an ape. At once, she shaved her lover, and, when he woke, with a headache, she told him he had to hurry back to the field or he'd be late and his team would forfeit the winning game of the World Series. Samson and Delilah are the proud parents of Herman Li, the only person immortal whose hair can play Through the Fire and Flames on a real guitar.

Lions' Loss

He returned to the game, with time to spare, took up his ass' jawbone, and, in three awkward, wimpy swings, struck out! It was unbelievable! Samson, who had never failed the Lions, had failed! They'd lost the final game of the World Series to the Philistines, despite Samson's great promise. The Lions' fans swept onto the field, a mob of angry men, women, and children who believed that their hero had thrown the game. In the melee, Samson's eyes were gouged out, which was painful, and he was left blind and helpless.

Philistine Fans' Reaction

The Philistines' fans also flooded the diamond. Seeing that Samson had been maimed and was unable to see, they rushed the young player, beating him, and forced him between the goalposts (the field doubled as a combination baseball-football stadium), where they lashed him to the upright posts.

Suicide

Having nothing left for which to live now that his girlfriend had betrayed him, Samson prayed, "Let me die," and God filled him, once again, with supernatural strength. Samson pulled the posts together, bringing down the stadium on the heads of his enemies. Although his mass murder of the other team caused the Lions to forfeit the game, he had accomplished a greater goal, ridding his team of the Philistine threat forever.

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