Sam Houston
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Gen. Sam Houston was (like most men of his time) a famed soldier, woodsman, congressman, governor, president, Indian trader, riverboat captain, empresario, giant, philosopher-king, country doctor, lawyer, and blacksmith.
Houston, Texas, the largest city in Texas, is named in his honor, as are several colleges, universities, Country/Western songs and NASA technical problems.
Contents |
[edit] Struggle to maintain power
Sam Houston crowned himself president of the powerhouse Republic of Texas in 1836 and established the Texas Rangers as his honor guard. The world trembled in fear and awe, I tell you what.
Sam Houston's strength continued to grow as he hunted down the remaining enemies of Texas, eventually transforming into a literal giant several stories high. His reign of righteous terror ended only when the benign, steam-powered cyborg known as "Big Tex" rose from the Gulf of Mexico to challenge his rule.
The two behemoths faced each other in a climactic duel outside Fortress Galveston. Big Tex was nearly destroyed by Sam Houston's raw power, but he managed to exploit the Houston's arrogance/confidence, trapping him in a chamber of carbonite and exiling his gigantic, frozen body to the city of Huntsville, where it can still be viewed today off Interstate Highway 45. The collateral damage from this epic struggle is often called the Galveston Hurricane of 1900.
Having secured peace, Interim President Big Tex ushered in an era of Texas friendliness by returning most of the empire's recent land acquisitions back to their original countries and letting California become a state through no effort of its own. He further decided that Texas was much too powerful to exist as an independent entity — its limitless awesomeness could easily fall into the wrong hands — so he agreed to let it become the 28th state of the United States.
Big Tex still lives and inspects his nation annually, and presides over the State Fair of Texas, but now requires a crew of workers to help him perform his duties due to old age and corroding components.
[edit] Houston in the 20th Century
Houston was released from his carbonite shell twice. Houston was summoned briefly during World War II to repel a Japanese submarine invasion fleet in the Gulf of Mexico and to lead a retaliatory offensive along with other super-giants into mainland Japan. Officials dismissed the wanton destruction as the result of two successful atomic blasts by the U.S.
In April 1979 Houston mysteriously released himself from his shell to wrestle down a giant tornado which threatened to devastate Wichita Falls. Again, the destruction was explained away by government officials — this time as the path of destruction of a mile-wide funnel cloud[1]. Few eye witnesses are alive to account for the visit of the noble giant Houston. Following the storm, Houston briefly attempted to find others of his kind in nearby West Texas. Finding no companion, and realizing the social-political climate had changed too much, he sadly marched back to Huntsville under the cover of darkness to regain his composure as Texas' favorite roadside attraction.
[edit] Houston in the 21st Century
The monks at the Alamo in San Antonio predict Houston will unfreeze from his carbonite cask again one day to help Texans "in their darkest hour." The resurrection is said to be Easter Sunday 2026.
[edit] Sources
- Tex, Big (interview); June 01, 2007.
- "Texas" article on Uncyclopedia: [2].
- That's pretty much it, really.
