Sam's Empire

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Sam's Empire
Sam's Empire of Good Life
The Best Place EVAR!!
Motto: Fuck bitches, I came here for
I came here to fuck bitches!
Anthem: Welcome To The Black Parade
Capital Uranus
Previous capital Your mother
Largest city Candy Land
Demonym Sexy beast
Official language(s) Non-gibberish
Government Monarchy
‑ Emperor Emperor Sam
National Hero(es) Jackie Chan, Chuck Norris, Your Mother, Not Kyle, Gerard Way, Ryan Seacrest, Derek Jeter, Eli Manning, Cao Cao, Oda Nobunaga, Lu Bu, Fuma Kotaro, Hattori Hanzo
War Total War
Currency Monopoly Money
Religion Athiest, Christian, Jewish, Taoism, Greek
Population Over 9000
Major exports Kyle, Hatred
Major imports Happiness
National animal Waterbear
National sport(s) Baseball, Chess and Masturbation
Hours of
 operation
24/7


Orders/Laws/Rules:

edit Five Grand Laws

edit Swag Acts

1. Swag Acts

Thy shall not like pictures and quotes of swag and/or just completely idiocy. If thy law is found broken by any violators, immediate execution of thy violator's family. Then the violators will be

forced to eat thy own feces and then drowned in the a pool of the violator's own urine. Without parole. Not like that

even matters.

edit Legit End To Sh*tty Music Act

2. Legit End To Sh*tty Music Act

Sale of of Justin Bieber and/or One Direction related content is banned. That means music, shirts, tickets, etc. Illegal

downloads will be tracked and by a super spy recorder released into the internet that will automatically place a

self-destruction order within the file that therefore blows up the electronic device that the file was downloaded onto.

Any smuggling, if caught, violators will be forced to watch Brokeback Mountain and like it!

edit Chess Acts

No Wikipedia
Because of their incurable biases, the so-called experts at Wikipedia will probably never have an article about Sam's Empire. We are sorry they insist on being this lame.

3. Chess Acts

The "Chess Acts" consist of numerous crimes and all have punishments following them.

1) Thy who puts themself in checkmate shall be forced to never play chess again unless they're cool. One's "coolness" is

decided by the legislature. (By that we mean Groundhog Punxsutawney Phil. If he sees his shadow,

then thy is lame and is banned from chess forever)

2) Thy who puts his or her opponent in checkmate gets 1000 virgins. If it was Scholar's Mate, then thy receives over 9000

virgins.

3) If two opponents find themself in stalemate, then both players must play again. Cause' stalemate is boring in the end.

Just saying.

4) Thy who loses to Kyle shall be sentenced to death penalty. Nobody should ever lose to Kyle. Though through a few

exceptions, if you're good at chess and lose to Kyle, Kyle probably cheated and if the interrogation results in the

discovery that Kyle did in fact cheat; thy is not sentenced to death. Lucky you.

5) Thy who wins the Chess Championship gets over 9000 virgins, a free trip to Vegas, and immortality. Pretty pimp, eh?

edit Jersey Shore Removal Act

4. Jersey Shore Removal Act

Thy who watches Jersey Shore shall be forced to get rid of thy own television. Starting from the law's inauguration.

Screw it. If you watched it before, you're probably gonna die young. Go watch it, we all dare you.

Also, Jersey Shore is currently being removed off the face of the earth, due to lack of inspiration and the fact that the

show makes watching paint dry seem epic and a very fun and joyful activity.

edit Annoying Facebook Girl Act

5. Annoying Facebook Girl Act

Thy girl on Facebook, if found that thy wrote a status that reads a little something along the lines of these:

"Texting the boyfriend!" "At the grandmothers!" "With the sister!" "I need a boyfriend! 1 Day WITHOUT ONE IS HORRIFIC! NO ONE IS EVER GONNA LOVE ME AGAIN! </3"

Example one is arrogant. If his name is, for example, Jimmy, wouldn't you just call him Jimmy? Think about it like you

were talking to so-called "Jimmy"; would you say "Hey the boyfriend?" NO. But if you do, you're probably a dumb blonde

and deserve to be put down. If violated, thy shall serve the sum of the so-called "The Boyfriends" age, your age, his

mom, your mom, and how many recorded accounts of violation of this law, multiplied by over 9000! Hey, you do the crime,

you serve the time. Bud.

Example two is disrespectful. And arrogant. Your grandmother deserves better. If violated, your grandma gets a free trip

to Victoria's Secret. And thy violator is banned from that sexy clothing store and all other stores on the face of the

earth! HA!

Example three is also arrogant. If violated, 100 years in prison! And you have to pay the cellphone bill! And "The

Grandmother's, The Boyfriend's, and The Sister's" too! Ain't cheap like your mother, ain't it?

Example four is a complete fuckery and insult to Jews. (Jk about the Jews). Besides, ever think about how many 40-year

virgins are out there in the world that have never talked to a girl? A lot. So shut up. Violation will result in

execution.

edit Laws That Aren't The The Five Grand Laws

edit The Kyle Act

6. The Kyle Act

Kill Kyle. He's ignorant. You probably won't kill Kyle but its worth a shot. He's got "a lot of protection" if you know what I mean. He's wasting space. Space that could be filled with other things that aren't Kyle.

edit Languages Act

7. The Languages Act

All languages except English, Russian and Egyptian will are banned! Понял?

edit War

edit The War on Kyle (That's what she said) (Sep 30th 2012-March 4th, 2013)

On September 30th, 2012, at approximately 9:35 PM, war was declared on that fatass Kyle. We need a lot of nuclear missiles to destroy that fat bastard. Orders from Emperor Sam, bitch!

edit Events during the War with this fatass

  • September 30th, 2012, 9:40 PM: War is declared on Kyle.
  • September 30th, 2012, 9:41 PM:
    “Word just came in from scientists that he will only grow stronger with the radiation and he can and will absorb the initial blast”
    ~ Emperor Sam
“... and ice cream!”
~ General of All Branches of the Military and the Head of the State Police Eric
“ALL THE ICE CREAM!”
~ Emperor Sam
“We got ourselves a fierce enemy!”
~ General of All Branches of the Military and the Head of the State Police Eric
“There is only one thing we can do to save our nation. We must send him to Japan!”
~ Emperor Sam
“I don't think even the Hulk could lift him to get him there. Besides, he wouldn't fit.”
~ General of All Branches of the Military and the Head of the State Police Eric
“We'll tell him that there are tons of doughnuts and sweets in Japan. Once he reaches Japan the crust of the Earth will not be enough to hold him and he will fall into the ring of fire!”
~ Emperor Sam
Touche
~ General of All Branches of the Military and the Head of the State Police Eric
“Brilliant! Now we must launch our invasion of Poland because any nation that is worth anything HAS to take control of Poland at some point.”
~ Emperor Sam
“ The Invasion of Poland will be our first step to defeat Kyle! I will personally lead 200,000 men in the attack! I will report back on October 2nd with my status! What generals are available for me to take?”
~ General of All Branches of the Military and the Head of the State Police Eric
“General Patrick Star and Hattori Hanzo because I said so.”
~ Emperor Sam
“Si Senor.”
~ General of All Branches of the Military and the Head of the State Police Eric
“All languages except English, Russian and Egyptian will be banned!! Понял?”
~ Emperor Sam
“Yes, your righteousness.”
~ General of All Branches of the Military and the Head of the State Police Eric
  • October 3rd, 2012, 8:49 PM:
“ We must launch a full scale attack on Kyle! I have information he may be hiding in the mountains of Japan, where they have started worshipping him as a god and calling him the Almighty Fat One.”
~ Emperor Sam
“Wait until Poland has succumbed to our superiorism!”
~ General of All Branches of the Military and the Head of the State Police Eric
  • January 1st, 2013, 4:13 AM
“Okay ladies, we're heading to the Japans to ultimately take down Kyle! Samurai Date Masamune and Sanada Yukimura have agreed to join our forces and take down "the guy who takes great land space". That leads us to think that the guy they speak of is most likely Kyle.”
~ General of All Branches of the Military and the Head of the State Police Eric
“Screw Japan, I'm staying home.”
“Nobody cares.”
“Die stupid Jew!”
“You killed Kenny, Cartman!”
~ Stan
“You bastard!”

edit Invasion of Poland (Oct 1st-Dec 23rd, 2012)

The War on Kyle: Invasion of Poland 1) Pease marches his forces onto Wroclaw. Pink-Frosted Sprinkled Doughnut marches to Wroclaw. Battle of Wroclaw (Oct. 1st-Oct. 11, 2012) Sam's Forces Victory 2) Pease sends General Patrick Star to pursue the retreating enemy at Czestochowa. Battle of Czestochowa (Oct. 13-Oct. 15, 2012) Sam's Forces Victorious. Pink-Frosted Sprinkled Doughnut surrenders. 3) Pease marches his remaining forces onto Warsaw. General Bob The Builder is sent by Kyle to intercept Pease at Lodz. The Battle of Lodz (Oct. 15-Oct. 24th, 2012) Sam's Forces Victorious. Bob The Builder retreats to Bydgoszcz. 4) General Homer Simpson of the Sam Forces arrives with reinforcements of Oct. 25th and attacks Bob The Builder at Bydgoszcz on the very same day. Battle of Bygoszcz (Oct 25.-Oct. 28th, 2012) Sam's Forces Victorious. Bob The Builder KIA. 5) General Patrick Star is ordered to begin march towards Rzeszow on Oct. 28th, 2012) 6) General Homer Simpson begins march on Bialystok on Nov 1st, and reaches there on Nov 4th. Battle of Bialystok. (Nov. 4-Nov 15th, 2012) Sam's Forces Victorious. Kyle's Commander at Bialystok, Joe Dirt, surrenders. 7) General Patrick Star reaches Rzesow on Nov 2nd. Battle of Rzeszow begins. General Shrek the Ogre is in command of Kyle's forces. 8) General Homer Simpson sends the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to attack Lublin on Nov. 19th and they reach Lublin on Nov 22nd. Battle of Lublin (Nov 22-Nov 25th, 2012) Sam's Forces Victorious. Kyle's General at Lublin, Samurai Jack, flees back to Japan. On Nov 27th, the TMNT begin march onto Rzesow to reinforce General Patrick Star. 9) The Sam forces at Lodz, Bialystok, and Lublin begin a joint assault on Warsaw. (December 3rd.) The forces from Lodz reach Warsaw on December 4th. The forces from Bialystok reach Warsaw on December 6th, and the forces from Lublin reach Warsaw on December 7th. Battle of Warsaw begins. (December 4th) 10) The Battle of Rzesow ends. (December 5th) Kyle's Forces Victorious. TMNT are all KIA. General Patrick Star retreats to Radom on December 5th, and reaches Radom on December 6th. 11) The pursuing forces of Shrek reach Radom on December 7th's morning and manage to force General Patrick Star into submission on December 8th's morning. Battle of Radom (Dec 7-Dec 8, 2012) General Patrick Star is executed. 12) Shrek reaches Warsaw on Dec 9th. 13) Battle of Warsaw ends. (Dec 4.-Dec 23rd, 2012) Kyle's prospect at Poland, Willy Wonka, surrenders. 14) Invasion of Poland comes to an end. (Oct 1st-Dec 23rd, 2012)

The Invasion of Poland

The Invasion of Poland

edit Battle of Wrocław
Battle of Wrocław
Part of the War on Kyle
Date October 1st - October 11th, 2012
Location Wrocław, Poland
Result Sam's Forces Victory
Belligerents
Sam's Forces Kyle's Forces
Commanders and leaders
Commander Eric
Hattori Hanzo
Patrick Star
Pink Frosted Sprinkled Doughnut
Jelly-Filled Doughnut 
Strength
200,000 100,000
Casualties and losses
75,000 970,000 dead, the lucky 30,000 surrendered.
It was epic

On October 1st, with god-like speed, The Sam Forces under, well let's just call General of All Branches of the Military and the Head of the State Police Eric... Commander Eric? Yes. Anywho, the forces under 'Commander Eric' reached Poland's area known as "Wrocław" (also called Claw Land according to the Duke Smelly of Junk). There was 100,000 doughnut warriors waiting for the Sam Forces when they got there.

"Defeat these vermine!" Commander Eric ordered. "How?" His troops answered. "With your stomachs! CHOW TIME!" He replied. Then Eric Cartman immediately bolted out of the crowd of troops. "I love me some dougnuts!" He commented. The Stan replied, "of course you do you fatty!" And Stan was then thrown into chaos by a Tae Kwon Dick punch by Cartmen. "Stupid Jew!" He shouted. Then they were off and scarfing down lots of the doughnuts until Kyle's left roll (yes, stretched that far... gross isn't it?) decided to jiggle and the Sam Forces took many casualties including Kenny McCormick, Bruce Lee, five of Hanzo's ninji and every single Power Ranger. Eric Cartmen fled after saying, "Screw Poland, I'm going home!"

But luckily General Patrick Star had the power to regenerate and used the powers to his advantage. He grew seven tens of thousands of bad-ass warriors by October 8th, before taking on the rest of the Pink Frosted Sprinkled Doughnut's warriors, while claiming Jelly-Filled Doughnut's head. Poland's city of "Wrocław" was under the control of Sam's Empire. YAYER!! The end of the battle was on October 11th. Victory!

edit Order of Battle

Sam's Forces

  • General of All Branches of the Military and the Head of the State Police, Eric

Kyle's Forces

edit Battle of Czestochowa
Battle of Czestochowa
Part of the War on Kyle
Date Oct 13. - Oct. 15, 2012
Location Czestochowa, Poland
Result Sam's Forces Victory
Belligerents
Sam's Forces Kyle's Forces
Commanders and leaders
General Patrick Star Pink-Frosted Sprinkled Doughnut (surrendered)
Strength
20,000 11,000
Casualties and losses
None, we got Jesus on our side :) 6,000
Surrendering is for chumps.

On October 13th, General Star reached the retreating forces of the doughnuts. (Who received 11,000 troops on the reincarnation from crumbs... >:( what a cheap move!) they were around maybe, lets just say twenty mere feet from a place called... um... ya lets just call it Chowa land! Ya. Anyways, the twenty thousand starfish attacked viciously at the tasty forces of doughnuts and by the next day 3,140 doughnuts were being licked off the fingers of the starfishes. At 9:22 PM of October 15th, 2012 the doughnut forces were surrounded by a bunch of starfishes and just waiting to be eaten. They had around 6,000 casualties and Pink-Frosted Doughnut 'had enough of the jelly-shed' and decided "If I surrender... then maybe I won't get eaten". So on October 15th the tasty commander surrendered to Patrick Star in hopes of being saved and not devoured.

He was wrong. Wronger than a white guy at KFC. *giggles*


edit The Invasion Ends

We're gonna skip the rest of the invasion details since the doughnuts and Kyle's army became a little to much for the audience to handle. So after many jellyshed later, on December 23rd, during the Battle of Warsaw, the Kyle Forces were cheap and had no food, and the doughnuts turned to cannibalism for food. The loss in food supplies was a great decline and went fast as Kyle kept on ordering the doughnuts to return to him in his headquarters in Japan. (If you remember what we told him, that idiot fell for it) Kyle then devoured large quantities of his own tasty army soldiers and forced the starvation within the Poland resistance. Soon, the commanders of Kyle that were alive at the time of the submission realized that it was 3 days until Christmas so they surrendered.

We ate them. They were far too tasty to not eat. Also, if you want to read more on this invasion, I'd probably suggest asking your social studies teacher. But a quicker way is to read the events up above under "The Invasion of Poland". Easy as 1-2-3.

edit Invasion of Japan (January 1st, 2012-March 4th, 2012)

edit Battle of Kohan
Battle of Kohan
Part of the War on Kyle
Battle of Kohan
The Battle of Kohan, in which Sam's Forces won, of course.
Date January 10th, 2013-February 24th, 2013
Location Kohan, Japan
Result Sam's Forces Victory
Belligerents
Sam's Forces Kyle's Forces
Commanders and leaders
Commander Eric
Date Masamune
Sanada Yukimura
Yoshi (surrendered)
Sumo Aza  
Sumo Junichi  
Weegee  
Strength
10,000 infantry, 100 naval ships 5,000 infantry, 200 naval ships
Casualties and losses
4,000 infantry, 27 naval ships, 9001 sumo family members 2,500 infantry, 69 naval ships, and Over 9000 sumo family members.
Kyle's about to meet his doom! >:D
edit Masamune's Blockade

The first battle with Kyle at Japan was at Lake Suwa. Kyle had an alliance with Sumos Junichi and Aza. They too, were also fat.

On Jan 10th, samurai Date Masamune had arrived at Yashiro in an agreement to try to blockade Lake Suwa's... rear? Yes. Rear side. Because we can't take chances of reinforcements getting to our major attack target, Kohan. At Kohan, if Yoshi surrenders, we can find where Oda Nobunaga is. He will lead us to the mountain where Kyle hides.

Though, during the same day, the fat sumo named Junichi had also arrived when he left his turkey sandwhich at Yashiro. Masamune had tried to convince Junichi that he wasn't hostile, but Junichi remembered that Masamune bullied him in high school due to being obese. So, you know, a battle took place. And Junichi tired quickly, plus he halted his attacks when he found his sandwhich. He claimed timeout, but Masamune killed him. There's no respawns in real life either.

The battle at Yashiro ended on Jan 14th of 2013, plus we gained a naval base. Then the Date we're on the move with their navy.

When the Date navy reached Lake Suwa on January 16th, Masamune's general Obi-Wan Kenobi proposed a battle strategy that proposed splitting the navy into two groups. One group would proceed to set up the blockade, while the other group would travel to the shore near Sonota and Fujimicho, then split into two land armies. The first one would attack Sonota, drawing the sumo Aza from Fujimicho to reinforce Sonota, where the second one would then attack Fujimicho.

Masamune had accepted, sending Obi-Wan to set up the blockade and have Batman and Robin lead the group to attack Sonota and Fujimicho. The plan worked and Aza had suffocated due to his obesity problem. Masamune's mission as what they call 'vanguard' was completed. (January 25th)

edit The Sanada March

The Sanada, also allies with Sam's Empire, had agreed to attack the sumo base Okaya, the sumo supply depot Kamacho and Ginza, then raid a sumo village and kill their fat families at Nangu. (Just for shits and giggles)

“Then they couldn't have Thanksgiving with their families anymore.”
~ Captain Obvious on Thanksgiving after the death of the Sumo's families

After, the Sanada would take their own navy, and attack Kohan from the rear, and fire the cannons from Lake Suwa. Hoorah! They completed their mission of February 9th.

“But that would destroy them and they wouldn't even expect it.”
~ Captain Obvious on attacking the enemy's rear flank.
edit Commander Eric's Attack

Commander Pease at the same time of the Sanada's start, attacked Goda and then proceeded to attack Yoshi's forces at Kohan. On February 24th, Weegee had died, finally. Yoshi also surrendered the same day. Ending the Battle of Kohan. That was too easy.

edit Battle of Fatass Mountain
Battle of Fatass Mountain
Part of the War on Kyle
Date March 3rd, 2013-March 4th, 2013
Location
Result Sam's Forces Win The War
Belligerents
Sam's Forces Kyle's Forces
Commanders and leaders
Commander Eric
Date Masamune
Sanada Yukimura
Kyle (surrenders)
Barbie 
Strength
5,000 4,000
Casualties and losses
None 1 monk
Kyle met his doom!! >:D

When Yoshi surrendered, he immediately told us where Nobunaga was. Nobunaga told us that if we wanted to end Kyle, we would have to travel to Fatass Mountain. When we did, Kyle surrended after one of his monk warriors died. He was too scared. So the War on Kyle (still what she said) had come to an end. A quick end, on March 4th, 2013.

“That means the war is over.”
~ Captain Obvious on the surrender of Kyle
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