Salvador Dalí

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Amazingly, Argos agreed to repair Dalí's watch under warranty, at no cost to the artist

“Riverrun and a great time it was with Salvador. Whithe I had my times begood.”

~ James Joyce

“I don't do drugs. I am drugs.”

~ Salvador Dalí

“There is only one difference between Salvador Dalí and me. I am not Salvador Dalí.”

~ Me on Salvador Dalí

Salvador "Big Man" Dalí is a mutant with fantastic superpowers, including the ability to melt objects with the power of his mind. Dalí did not do drugs, because he was drugs. He is also the father of Señor Spielburgio and George Clooney.

[edit] Biography

A self portrait of "Big Man" Dalí in his later years.

You want surreal? Try wasting four hours a day waxing your 'stache until it closely resembles your entire Catalonian name. That's surreal.

Born Salvador Ana Lucía Pedro Chupacabra El Hombre Melenudo de Paella Dalí, 1st Marquis de Mústachia in Monte Carlo, Monaco (or maybe a cave somewhere in northern Spain) in 1904, Dalí was like any normal person. He worked on the farm with his father, where he learned the values he holds today of eating your vegetables, drinking your milk, saying your prayers and taking vitamins. He did this, like everything else, very much better than Picasso.

It wasn't until one morning at the age of 14 that he discovered his amazing powers and that he was gay. His alarm clock went off, like any other day. Dali, however, did not want to wake up, and just stared at the clock. Soon, it began to melt before his eyes! Frightened by this strange gift, Dali ran away. Hearing about a school for mutants like himself, Dali journeyed east to Xavier's School of Extraordinary Gentlemen, located on the campus of Xavier University. There, he learned to control his power, and use it for the good of mankind.

After enjoying years of melting many things such as clocks, or a giant cricket, or sometimes his own face (with a delicious side-dish of bacon on occasion), he grew tired of the same old form-and-matter-density-adjustment... stuff. So, he decided to go back to Xavier's School of Extraordinary Gentlemen, and learn how to instantly cause the legs of a horse to grow to over 3 times their original height, and, for some strange reason, finally awaken the age-long dormant urges that have been inside all elephants: to destroy every cello they see.

Illustrates adverse effects of the Dalí Gun on unnamed Japanese test subject, circa 1992.

[edit] Genius

In 1983 Dalí experimented with his superpowers and found that he was able to partly transform things into other things. Most famously he turned Mae West's corpse into a comfy sofa. Of all the things he was most proud of was his ability to turn sea creatures into appliances, the Lobster Phone was the most well known example. Unfortunately Dali was killed during a daring day-time break in to his secret laboratory, and his most insiprational pieces were stolen. The only surviving clue to his last works is the remaining self portrait cryptically labeled "iCod".

[edit] "Dalí" Code

In recent years, scientists studying the works of Salvador Dalí have come to believe that the man was hiding something. They also believe that he may have been involved in some sort of conspiracy to protect the bloodline of Hieronymous Bosch from the menacing Opus Moroni of the Naturalist Movement. See the Dali Code for more information on this shocking page in the annals of history. This so called "Dali Code" has been studied at UBS (University of Black Sailors) and UFEL (University of Foreign Exchange Lesbians). Studies conclude the fact that Dali was neither a man, nor a woman. In fact, one study argues whether or not dali existed in matter, rather than our own imaginations.

[edit] Trivia

iCod, Salvadore Dalí's last self portrait.

• Was considered for the title of "The Next Hieronymus Bosch", until it was discovered that he was insane.
• Is dead.
• As a teenager, once bit a bat in half to impress a girl. Interestingly, didn't get his end away until he was in his 20s (and then it was almost certainly with Aragon or Lorca, who were both blokes). Obviously a big influence on Ozzy Osbourne at least as far as the bat-biting goes. So far as researchers can tell, Ozzy has never had sex with either Aragon or Lorca.
• Married a Russian woman called Gala who he nicked off his mate. Ozzy probably has had sex with Gala, who has a species of melon named after her.
• Dalí's favorite food was live sea urchins. That's actually true, by the way. Or at least as true as anything else he ever claimed.
• Dalí never took drugs. Yeah, right.
• Dalí used to say to his friend: "Je wuf is an hoere"
• Dalí had a brother, Roald, whose collection 'Paintings of the Unexpected' was a best seller in the Beeston district.
• Dalí is the world's most powerful drug?
• Dalí likes to glue things together.

[edit] See Also

• Dali Lama
• Large Surrealism Directory. The Salvador Dali Section