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“I’ve always been a fan of Salon. It’s much funnier than Conservapedia because they actually mean what they say.”
Salon.com is an award-winning (as they like to remind you) American news and lifestyle website. It is written by a strange mixture of people who earn over 50k a year and own more Apple products than most poor people have ever seen, fat, ultra-feminist lesbian goths and skinny, sensitive, nerdy, bespectacled, unwashed men who look like they have never bathed or been laid in their lives and who probably never will be. This disparate constituency is united by a loathing of "the Right Wing", historically the GOP and the Catholic Church; now their own country, Jews, the wealthy, Pamela Geller and Ayn Rand of course. Salon readers and editors are generally stereotyped as thinking they rule the world, as opposed to Fox News watchers and reporters who think they should rule the world, Capitalism Magazine readers, who know they should rule the world and readers of The New York Times who actually do. Statistics indicate that Salon readers and editors like to sit in Starbucks sipping Frappucinos and texting on their I-Phones whilst criticising Steve Jobs for paying children to work in sweatshops and complaining about how big businesses are crushing the working classes. They usually drive Priuses. Salon readers and writers generally convince themselves that they’re intrepid outsiders battling a system controlled by the far right, libertarian, Islamophobic, capitalist, Randist, sexist, homophobic, gun-toting, global warming denialist, imperialist 1% defending Jew lobby who seek to destroy the world through not allowing children younger than ten to be taught about sex and refusing to recycle, even though they themselves live in relative comfort and luxury and have probably never even set foot on a farm or in a factory where the supposed oppressed proletariats work. This known as “Marxist-Leninist” syndrome.
In order to attract internet hits, Salon display a column of top searches along the right hand side of their page, most of them linking back to the right-wing entertainment website, AskMen.
edit A Guide to Salonese
- The USA/America - New York.
- Islamophobia – Opposing Sharia Law, clitorectomies, child-marriage, polygamy and wife beating, not jerking off to a copy of the Qu'ran.
- Atheism: Opposing Christianity and Judaism which is GOOD! As long as you don't dare suggest that Islam is ever wrong!
- Sexism – Telling women they’re beautiful or showing an interest in them.
- Homophobia – Heterosexuality.
- Imperialism - Anything the United States does overseas. Being Israeli.
- Progressive – A term coined by Upton Sinclair for closeted socialists to describe themselves with so as to get people to trust them.
- Socialism – Wanting the government to do everything and own everything, waving a Palestinian flag around and opposing the war with Iraq. This is all good by the way.
- Tea Party - Formerly what Salon readers enjoyed on a Sunday back when they were Whigs in London, now a far-right, homophobic, Islamophobic, fascist, authoritarian fringe-party, er, what were we talking about again?
- Libertarian - Initially referring to a person who believes in individual rights, free-speech and free-market capitalism, now used to describe anyone in the English-speaking world who believes in less government regulation.
- Liberalism - Originally an ideology formulated by John Locke promoting social fairness and individual freedom, now used to mean anything vaguely left-wing. Hence confused Maoists and Marxists referring to themselves as "liberals" and being referred to as the same by equally-confused right-wingers.
- Fascism – Not wanting the government to own your life and property.
- Capitalism – Fascism.
edit Editors and columnists
- Current Editor-In-Chief: Paul Krugman.
edit Former editors
- Gail Wynand (founder)
- David Talbot
- Vyacheslav Molotov
- Joseph Goebbels
- Ellsworth M. Toohey
edit Famous columnists
- Bertram Scudder
- Stefane August
- Irack Barshein Osamab
- Lame R. Prick
- Gal Ore
- Vore Gidal
- Noam Chomsky (they wish)
- Pol Pot whose columns on environmental concerns are greatly respected.
edit Typical Salon topics
- Why This Recession Is America's Perfect Opportunity To Apologise For Even Existing
- Ayn Rand/Bush to blame for __________
- 50 Reasons Why The Democrats Are Too Right-Wing
- Is Mad Men The Best Thing On Television?
- Great Prices on Vaginal Lubricants
- Women Are Not Sex Objects!
- Show Men Kissing On TV More Often! (not women because lesbians appeal to straight men who are after all the scum of the Earth)
- Why Are There No Gay Disney Characters?
- Society’s Hideous Sexism
- The Best of Tumblr Porn
- America poised to fall to fascist horde any day now. More tomorrow.
- Some Brilliant Famous Atheists! (but not Richard Dawkins because a male member of his organisation once flirted with a woman which means that they're all horrible sexists and not that Bush-supporting traitor Christopher Hitchens either with his horrible brand of objective morality)
- New Atheists Flirt With Islamophobia (they're going off atheists)
- We Must Protect The Rights of Homosexuals, Women and Muslims!
- Fury As Islamophobes Arrest Muslim for Practicing Right to Religion by Killing Woman and Gay Man
- Reclaiming Jihad
- Bring Back Occupy Wallstreet!
- Jewish Bankers Crash Economy! Kill Them Now!
- "We're sorry and we are ashamed of ourselves" - What white American males should be saying to the world
- I apologise for using the discriminatory terms “she” and “he”
- Why Don’t We Use Condoms For Oral Sex?
- North Korea’s Master Breweries! You’ll Be The Envy of Your Commune With These Great Recipes for Beer (but not decadent, capitalist, elitist wine)
- Uncyclopedia’s Shameful Plagiarism Of Our Article Headlines
- Property Rights? What Property Rights?
- What is the average penis size? (Hint: longer than that of the average Salon journalist or writer)
- Sex, Sex, Sex, Sex, Sex (you begin to wonder if they have what might politely be termed a problem)
- SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEXXXXXXXXXX (please?)