Salisbury

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“Salisbury is a city, albeit a boring one”
~ Captain Obvious on Salisbury

Salisbury is a brand of cheese cathedral city in the North of South Wiltshire. It is famous for the human:church ratio (1:6.35), alcoholism and the Beatrice Road Brothel. The name "Salisbury" comes from the Scottish word "Salis" meaning "we shouldn't really be building landmarks on marshlands" and the english word "bury" meaning to "cover in earth". Salisbury has been twinned with a French man called Saintes and with a German rabbit called Xanten. Nobody is sure why, or how this is even possible.

History

Salisbury (or Slagsbury as it is affectionately known by its residents) was invented in 1992 when King Howard IV of Denmark decided the nearby fortress town of Old Sarum hadn't modernised enough in accordance with the Great Leap Forward. The first building to be built in Salisbury was the infamous Tesco Metro. Legend has it that the location of this building was decided by firing an arrow off of Old Sarum's north-south ramparts. Unexpectedly, the arrow hit a passing Jew who ran as far as he could before collapsing and dying. The Tesco was then promptly built over his corpse. To this day, aisle 19 still whiffs a bit.

Economy

There is a market held every Tuesday and Saturday. That's it really. Better to go to Tescos.

There is also rather strangely a 'Salisbury tax' charged under the council tax. No-ones seems to know what this funds though its assumed its used to keep the huge population of chav's in rizlas, knock off sportswear and whatever it is they smoke that makes them think they are invincible There is also a Choir School where castrated boys sing at such high notes that the human ear can not possibly hear it.The present Head Chorister is suspected to be a girl as he can sing so high.Some of the choristers were seen last summer outside Dominoes Pizza near midnight sneaking a quick pizza and were then seen wading across the river in Lizzie Gardens in order to get back to their Boarding House in the Close. Full story: www.louiskw.wordpress.com

Famous Salsbridians

Salisbury (or Sainsburys as it is affectionately known by its residents) is the birthplace of many a great man and woman. Some say this is because the local government replaced the tap water with Volvic, but this is merely speculation. Great Salsbridians include:

  • Barry Scott (a claim vehemently denied by Salisbury)
  • William Golding - Wrote "Lord of the Flies" - an epic precursor to hit TV programme LOST
  • Jeffrey of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air fame
  • Jonathan Bull - known worldwide as a local legend - from Canada to Denmark. Many people will testify this fact.
  • Homer (the one who wrote the Iliad, not the fat, yet two dimensional one). He was recently voted Europe's Most Beautiful Cat.
  • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - Iranian President and self confessed cathedral cheese connoisseur
  • David Mitchell - Comedian and actor - fucked off early on to somewhere posh
  • Chuck Norris (Salisbury wishes...)
  • Reuben Ellis - Model, Musicain, Actor and Lad. Loved by many in Salisbury.
  • Jake Kinderman Football Genius is rumoured to hunt for packs of doughnuts around the bus station.

Population

Salisbury (or Slacksbury as it is affectionately known by its residents) has a diverse racial population. The exact figure for Salisbury's population is unknown, with estimates ranging from 0.5 to 0.75 people.

  • 30% of the population are Toffs (a Toff is a distinctly upper class person who cannot abide with any car other than a landrover and looks down on the world around them). These people can normally be found in or around The Playhouse and The Lemon Tree. There is a distinct lack of Toffs in the summer months, as they evacuate Salisbury to go to the French Riviera, Tuscany and more on the whole nicer places to be at this time of year.
  • 60% are chavs and provide much needed income to facilities such as The Chapel and Tescos. Often without a job, aspirations or willingness to participate in society as a whole, it is unclear what the life's aim of these people is, other than to sponge off the working populus and sleepwalk through life to an early, coronary heart disease induced death.
  • 10% of people consists of llama baiters, troubadours and an extended gypsie family.

Everybody in Salisbury is Caucasian. Everybody. If someone who is "a bit racial" comes to Salisbury, they are immediately kidknapped by Toffs and doused in flour.

Tourism

Salisbury (or Old-George-Mallsbury as it is affectionately known by its residents) has a booming tourist industry. In the Summer, Japanese tourists outnumber residents by 19 to 1. Many believe this is because Salisbury is an idyllic city, and tourists love it. Those people are wrong. In fact, the seeds from last years Japanese tourists are planted in the nearby Hudson's Field. They then emerge the following year, cameras already in hand. Their natural instinct is to take pictures outside important landmarks such as signposts, but never go inside. Many people believe that the Japanese people are loved by Salsbridians. Those people are, again, wrong. They are despised. This is probably because it takes THAT much longer to get a mocha from Cafe Nero. People are inclined to visit Woodhenge, a small, pointless attempt to make Stonehenge out of wood.

Buildings

Salisbury (or Darth Maul-sbury as it is not affectionately known by its residents) has many buildings, unlike other cities, such as Slough. This offers the choice of being outdoors or indoors.

The Library

Known as a place for old people to hang out, until the 'library crew' moved in. These are known as being the coolest, most hardcore rebels in Salisbury. A good place to get a cheeky joint or a pint of some shit cheap beer.

However, since their futile attempts to be cool, hardcore, and rebels, they have only succeeded in making themselves look like utter twats in all eyes of the public. Including the Japanese tourists.

Woolworths

SHUT DOWN: This used to be a place where all the population and their groups could be found. A common time for this was 11 o o'clock on a saturday morning where most people could be spotted. Also around 4 o'clock on a thursday and friday, a congregation of all the students from the cities fine education institutions (or so they are ment to believe, they are unfortunately full of cocky slags and under performing fake athletes) gather around woolworths. This ritual has slowly died away yet some still are sadly seen keeping their meeting place loyalties. The name for these un migrated people has been given by scientist as Cunts.

Unfortunately the place to buy cheap dvds, steal sweets, and sit outside has closed due to the economical side of the Woolies chain. Now people have moved onto the GUILD HALL. This has become a new meeting place for those too hardcore for normal society, but still insist on trying to mingle and occasionally interact with the norms, often with terrifying effect. Experts have suggested this migration is a result of higher crime rates, as the Guild Hall serves as both a court and a clown academy, such that convicts and college dropouts alike can meet on a conveniently located step. These people spend their time rolling up their own cigarettes (because they can't afford "straights"), attempting to buy alcohol on weekends with their fake IDs, and shouting abuse at poor girls who tend to dress up as free prostitutes.

Tesco Metro

The afore mentioned first building of Salisbury, the Tesco Metro (owned by Skweg, son of Andy) is renowned for its wide choice of low quality soft drinks and low low prices. It also offers the rental of slave children. This could cause controversy, as slavery was abolished in 1808, but fortunately, Slavery wasn't abolished in Salisbury until 2016. This holy grail of supermarkets still overshadows the nearby Sainsburys and remains the only place in the world you can buy a doughnut that is THAT shade of pink.

Debenhams

If you're looking to purchase a department, then come to this department store. This shop also serves as a meeting place for Salisbury's local Army of Atomic Supermen (A.A.S.) Unfortunately, this building is said to be haunted by the disgruntled ghost of General Custer.

The Poultry Cross

This was originally a place where farmers would bring their chickens so they could get angry at one another. Now it is normally used as a gallows come auction house run by the Pigeon Lady or on her off days , the only gathering place for the sane members of society.

The Bus Station

A trendy bar for young chavs, all your transport/class A drug needs are catered for here. The normal method of transport one can acquire at The Bus Station is the saddled llama. Although you can rent a helicopter, Boeing 747, Concorde, car, coach, ferry or autobahn. Not a bus. Not now. Not ever.

The Beatrice Road Brothel

Believed to have once been the site of many a satanic ritual, this whore-house is run by a "man" known only as the Buddhafish. He offers quality women, and he'll turn a blind eye to the heavy use of opiates. He'll also offer you enlightenment, but at the right price.

Rob's House

Originally built as a shrine to the Tesco Metro, this house is actually held together by papers from the seventies, Horse shite and pieces of cheese. Some say that once you enter you never leave as the same person, as this has been agreed by many such poor folk who have entered the house on such occasions.

Many popular films have been shot here including: , "The Exorcist", "Mary Poppins", "3 Feet one Sock", And the ever popular instructional video "How not to piss in a can"

The Salisbury Journal

Local area newspaper incorporating the Avon Advertiser. Dredging any and all "news stories" over the course of a week to form a newspaper, headlines are often little short of "not worth knowing" as well as sensationalist. Typical front page 'stories' often describe how shit the Salisbury football squad are, or describe in detail some pointless event occuring to a couple gormless morons who no one cares about. Writers often see how many swear words they can include in the paper before someone complains due to the fact that noone ever fucking reads it. A close contender with The Sun and Daily Mail for best firelighter material, the Salisbury Journal only loses on account of its lack of colour print, which allows the aforementioned to burn faster (the better).

Urban Wasteland

Salisbury (or Skanksbury as it is affectionately known by its residents) won the prestigious City of Crap award and gained Urban Wasteland status in the Summer of 1989. The award was presented by the controversial Miss Wiltshire winner, controversial in that she was married with 16 children, 4 goldfish and a terrier called Eugene, thus not making her a miss at all, rather a Mrs.

The Urban Wasteland status meant that any resident of Salisbury could apply for government benefits in the region of £50 or alternatively a small flat in an other town. This opportunity was a god-send for many citizens, beginning what is known to this day as The Great Desertion. The population of Salisbury suffered dramatically as within 6 days inhabitants of Salisbury fell from 300,000 to a mere 43.5 (all of whom are chavs). The economy of Salisbury also suffered and thus the market no longer opens on Thursdays.

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