From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“Drink is the scourge of the Salaryman-class”
Salaryman (サラリーマン) is a creature built by the Imperial Army of Japan on August 26, 1941. It was designed by researchers from The Company, with help and personal collusion from his Royal Holiness Emperor Hirohito.
Salaryman was created to keep order within the Imperial Empire of Japan by terminating Gaijin who would otherwise bring instability to the simulated reality that is Japan. Scientists at The Company decided to bestow upon Salaryman the power to replicate and mimic the body and movement of any male human which he has consumed and defeated in battle. To expedite such ends, Salaryman was gifted the ability to take over the body of any male human, converting it into a copy of his own. After trademark approval from Stan Lee, Salaryman was unleashed by Adolf Hitler at Shibuya station in Tokyo on December 7, 1941. Having been conceived with the notion of aiding the ultimately doomed and unsuccessful push for the creation of a greater republic of Japan, this case of human experimentation - like so many others before it - quickly went horribly wrong.
Critical Design Flaw
Salaryman (brought to life via the sacrifice of one Hideki Tojo) found the consumption of human souls unpalatable. It began to turn on those males sharing its own base homogenous roots - most significantly, this included all those who lack a soul. 99% of all Japanese males were consumed and replicated by Salaryman within 5 years after its creation. The very people it wished to overcome - Gaijin - are unaffected by the process. For reasons hinted at in the physical appearance of the original salaryman, women and children are not affected.
Although details are sketchy as to how the initial outbreak and contamination occurred, the method of contamination that Salaryman uses is known to a small number who have survived - almost all of them foreigners.
Typically, use of the large red hat of doom is used in the assimilation procedure. It is a ceremonial event for all newcomers that takes place on the Friday of their first week working at The Company. The young, unsuspecting subject is invited out with the rest of his workgroup (who are of course without exception, part of this monstrosity) for an event known as the "Welcome Party."
The "welcome party" is indoctrinated into male Japanese children throughout their lives as the traditional rites of passage into adult life. For most of the population, it is an occasion that is anticipated as the pinacle of their career. It is also famous as the only time that everyone working in the office is given a "half-holiday", where everyone is permitted to leave at 6pm. Of course, tradition dictates that all involved work until 7pm, just to show their dedication to The Company.
Although the idea of leaving a mere one hour after the scheduled 6pm clocking-off time may sometimes seem suspicious, it is usually compensated for in advance by the host-in-waiting. He is strongly advised by his boss to work for the entire duration of the evening, morning and afternoon prior to the "Welcome Party." This, or course, serves only to weaken the resistance of the clueless victim.
The welcome party will involve a lot of alcohol, and in some cases an office lady is brought along to encourage the subject to drink more. After consumption of a fair amount of alcohol, the assimilation is deemed fit to go ahead. The red hat of doom, which gifts the carrier of salaryman the ability to consume and replicate the desired target, is placed onto the head of the youngest part of salaryman present. The youngest part breeds the new life. All are asked to look into that most traditional of Japanese devices...the camera. The horrifying process occurs...
Identity and Culture
Each part of Salaryman is an individual animal with an in-built desire to slave for its chosen station in life - namely, The Company. All other aspects of life are a mere secondary objective to the salaryman.
Sightings of the original Salaryman released onto the world are scarce, but no less terrifying. If the legend is true, it is one of the greatest ironies in life that the thing which spawned all of Salaryman that walks amongst Japanese...was 2 prepubescent girls.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=kooS8iTqo1w (Noob, someone with experience feel free to help)
In everyday life, 99.99% of Salaryman exclusively takes the form of a Japanese male, wearing a suit, glasses and sporting an unconvincing comb over. Whilst individual parts of the organism are capable of independent thought, such actions are normally suppressed.
The concept of critical thinking is almost entirely absent from the species of Salaryman. When this ability begins to seed in the mind of an individual part of the entity, it is always and immediately converted by chemical processes into an active wish to carry out other pursuits. These pursuits include the purchase of explicit pornography, the consumption of alcohol and the molestation of uniform clad minors on a crowded train. It is always widely believed that the creation of J-pop groups such as Morning Musume, and J-pop idols including Koda Kumi and Ayumi Hamasaki were designed as a cynical ploy, solely to prevent individual parts of Salaryman breaking free of their control, and assuming their former identities.
Each part of Salaryman has learnt to abide by the Nintendo Eightfold Path. As the name indicates, there are nine elements in the Nintendo Eightfold Path, and these are divided into three basic categories as follows:
- Subservience to The Company
- 1. Long working hours
- 2. Wage Slavery
- 3. Death by Overwork
- 4. Suicide when failing The Company
- Subservience of the female
- 5. Find lady
- 6. Molest lady
- 7. Marry lady, and bear children with lady
- Avoidance of contact with Gaijin
- 8. Wrong speech
- 9. Wrong action
In recent years, the word Salaryman has become the most commonly used term to describe the occupation of the typical Japanese male. Japanese revisionist history having removed all references to the original Salaryman, and the usage today is a vague but unwitting means of continuing the legend. Unfortunately, awareness of Salaryman amongst the uninfected minority within Japan is comparable to the knowledge of anything to do with the period February 1933 - July 1945 that Japanese people now possess.