Saints Row 2

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Saints Row 2
Developer(s) Volition, Inc.
Release date October 14-16, 2008 (PlayStation 3 & Xbox 360) January 6-February 5, 2009 (Microsoft Windows)
Genre Sandbox,Religius
Platform(s) PlayStation 3, Xbox 360 and, regrettably, Microsoft Windows
Rating M
Would Sylvester Stallone play it? Probably not, because he prefers to play with himself.


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The nuns gang you fight.

Saints Row 2 is a popular religius simulation video game, developed by a company with way too much time on its hands. Originally planned for release some time in August 2008, the game was delayed so that the developers could create additional poo to throw at people. It arrived for the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3 systems in mid-October 2008 however modders and poor people were able to pick up a Microsoft Windows port with shit graphics in January 2009.

Set 3/5/10/15/who cares years after its earlier model, Saints Row, the game follows the nameless and genderless player - a hardcore banger that got the shit blown out of him in a yacht bomb - on a quest to devour the corpses of some tryhard gangs and an evil corporation with a lust for money not dissimilar to the United States Government.

Gameplay

The game takes place in an urban sandbox, vibrant and full of life and allows the player to completely desecrate the city in any way fathomable. On foot, the player is capable of walking, running, swimming, jumping, firing weapons and tea-bagging dead cops, a practice often desired by members of civil society. The player can take a ride on numerous strippers, cars, bikes, boats, planes and helicopters and is capable of massacring the population with more than forty weapons.

Main objectives

Perhaps one of the most prevalent objectives within the game is to deface buildings and people by means of a septic truck loaded with endless amounts of poo. Sounds like a shit job, but the player can earn income from such undertakings and the end result will leave the city looking like a public toilet in Afghanistan. Aside from the smelly task set as an objective, the player can engage in other highly realistic activities like jumping in front of semi-trailers for money, setting things on fire whilst operating a quad bike and banging underage Vietnamese prostitutes, a task first undertaken by Bill Clinton. If you lack the brain power to keep yourself amused within the game world, you've probably got an intelligence quota equivalent to the juices squeezed from an Orange County highschooler's tampon and you should probably consider locking yourself in your bedroom with inferior content to Saints Row 2, such as Viva Pinata, The Macaulay Culkin Video, or any other title that has nothing to do with real gangbanging but mostly dressing up your guy as a transexual.

Playing dress-up

A key aspect of the game is the ability to dress up and go on a massive rampage a.k.a make your charachter an old homeless man for example while blowing the fuck out of everything in sight while dressed in any of the following; a pirate suit, clown suit, ninja suit, hotdog suit or Gary Coleman suit. If the player is unsatisfied with their current choice, they can always change around or remove all current clothing, an option commonly used and abused by Internet paedophiles with way too much time and way too little porn on their hands. For the sexually deviant, the ability to wear a Borat mankini is also available; very nice, high five!

Plot

The game presents a synopsis similar to a 1990s American coming-of-age film and The Bible, with the protagonist's gripping journey about becoming a slightly deranged hardcore mass-murderer, with the occasional dick-joke that tries to be funny but fails swaggered in to keep the beat a rollin'. The protagonist is presented with the devastating news that his/her/its face and appendages were blown up after some tool and an undercover cop blew him up and must undergo extensive plastic in order to be socially acceptable, ironically disparate to Michael Jackson's life. The protagonist is presented with the overwhelming challenge of freeing his former boyfriend from the constraints of the legal system, unfairly tried and convicted with the murder of three hundred fascist pigs. After reviving his summer clubhouse friend circle, the protagonist progresses through the city, conquering the bullies that fight for control of his former property. However, the protagonist's world is shattered when his younger brother, Carlos Mancum, is mutilated beyond recognition and makes the riveting decision to shoot the remains of his face off. In the end, through his own efforts, the protagonist triumphs over evil and overthrows the corporation which originally gripped the city by the balls, and he moves far away into the countryside and he, his strippers and his homies live happily ever after. The end.

Sequel

The sequel, first announced in 2009, Saints Row: The Third, against much opposition, was released to the public in November 2011. People bought it and played it. The end. Again.

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