Saint Frankenstein's Day

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StFrank
Detail from The Martyrdom of St. Frankenstein by El Zoofo, Vatican Museum.

Saint Frankenstein's Day or Frankenstein's Day is an annual holiday that falls on February 14. Though a public holiday in Transylvania, Molvania, and Latveria only, it is celebrated unofficially around the world.

History

“In the late 1700s, all of Europe is divided into 3 parts. All? No! One indomitable village... wait...”
~ Asterix on history

History (take 2)

In the late 1700s, mad science was suffering under persecution the likes of which had not been seen in weeks.[1] Well-organised mobs of torch-wielding nutcases roamed the land, setting fire to castle after castle, with scientist, monster and Igor alike being hounded into an early and padlocked grave.

This came to an end after Baron Victor von Trapp Frankenstein was martyred by the Ignorant Townsfolk on Februrary 14th, 1799[2]. He was canonised by an unusual process; usually the Catholic Church has a very prolonged procedure for making somone a saint, but this time God intervened personally, telling Pope Pius the VI to make Frankenstein a saint post haste.

“Holy me! I thought I was the only one who could create life from inanimate matter! Well, if that boy don't deserve sainthood, who does?”
~ God on Frankenstein
“Uh, sir, have you really thought this through?”
~ Pope Pius VI on making Frankenstein a saint
“Hey! Itsa me! I'ma da Pope! I lova da spaghet! Mama mia! Getta me som vino!”
~ God on Pope Pius VI
“Fine! Be that way. Jerk.”
~ Pope Pius VI on God

Meanwhile, the mob, ashamed of their actions, vowed never again to persecute those who twist and pervert science to their own nefarious ends. To celebrate this newfound friendship between madman and victim, St. Frankenstein's Day was declared.

St. Frankenstein's Day traditions

Parade

Traditional St. Frankenstein's Day parades take place in many major cities with a large Mad Scientist population, although increasingly many non-Mad Scientists are taking part. In particular, many non-Mad Scientists are viciously killed when the Scientists' unleash their vile creations upon an unsuspecting world at the conclusion of the parade; however, most take their untimely deaths in the spirit of fun.

The parades are marked by the traditional "wearin' o' th' labcoat" and the "beatin' o' th' hunchback", the "scoffin' a' th' laws o' God an' Man". Mad Scientist marching societies activate their nucleotronic march-o-matic engines and travel carrying banners displaying slogans like "Science go bragh", "Cleanse the Earth" or "Kiss Me, I'm Violently Insane".

The St Frankenstein's Day parade is closely associated with drinking. Popular "Saint Franky's" drinks include invisibility serums, growth formulae and weird tonics intended to unleash the drinker's submerged dark side[3].

The Running of the Monsters

One of the most colourful St. Frankenstein's Day traditions takes place in Frankenstein's home town of Ingolstadt. The crowd gathers in the main square, where they are blessed by local priests. Then shambling, half-living monsters are released onto the villagers, and an ever increasing number of tourists. The monsters chase the village people through the town, and whoever successfully grabs a ribbon from the most ferocious monster gets to lead the annual torchlight-and-pitchfork raid on Ze Castle. The remains of the losers are gathered up by Igor, to be recycled into next year's monsters.

However, time has altered some aspects of this colourful tradition. Since the Industrial Revolution, hand-stitched monsters have largely given way to mechanical contraptions, giant radioactive lizards and Michael Bay movies. Leading experts in the field of monster capture and elimination estimate that approximately 12,000 monsters are unleashed each Frankenstein's Day, making it the second most gratuitously violent day of the year, coming a distant second to the post-Christmas-Day sales.

Frankenstein Cards

In the Western World, Frankenstein's Day is popularly celebrated as a Hallmark holiday. However, the very same day is also St. Valentine's Day, and there is occasionally some confusion about which card to send. Traditionally, Valentine's Day cards are intended to indicate feelings of romantic love and attraction. St Frankenstein's Day cards are intended to remind the ignorant peasants that their days upon this Earth are numbered, and that they will soon be destroyed by a race of atomic supermen. As a public service, Uncyclopedia will try to help you to denote the differences between these cards.




Valentine's Cards Frankenstein's Cards
StFrank1
A St. Valentine's card. Note the bright colours and sentimental message
StFrank2
A St. Frankenstein's card. Note the muted colours and ill-concealed impatience with your very existence.
StFrank3
A St. Valentine's card. Note the cheerful way that the little fellow goes to send his Valentine greetings to his sweetheart!
StFrank4
A St. Frankenstein's card. Hate... living. Love... dead. We... belong... dead.
StFrank5
A St. Valentine's card. Note that the freakish creatures pictured on it were not created in a laboratory.
StFrank6
A St. Frankenstein's card. Note that the caption... wait... what does that even mean?
StFrank7
This is a Valentine's card. The mere existence of this image disproves the existence of a benevolent God.
StFrank8
A St. Frankenstein's card. It scares me less than the valentine.

St. Frankenstein's Day at the White House

St. Frankenstein's Day has been a major event in Washington DC, ever since Professor Klaatu von Burkenhaer saved Abraham Lincoln's life by sewing his head to Robert E. Lee's shoulder. Shortly before he ran amok, Leencoln proclaimed two Frankenstein's Day traditions for the White House.

The Pardoning of a Corpse

Every St. Frankenstein's Day, thousands of corpses are dug up and hacked up disected, in order to be used in diabolical experiments into Things That Man Was Not Meant to Know. However, every year, the President of the USA ritually pardons one corpse, which is not experimented upon. The lucky corpse is usually ground up instead, to make a nutritious protein-rich gruel to feed to baby human/animal hybrids.

The White House Lawn Brain Roll

This festive yearly tradition involves children and teenagers rolling the still warm brains from the recently deceased across the White House Lawn.

This tradition was suspended for several decades in honour of John F. Kennedy, who died of a brain injury. It was restored by Bill Clinton, who correctly deduced that when young women bent over to roll the brains, he would be able to see down the fronts of their dresses.

When George W. Bush entered office in 2000, there was some talk that he might cancel the celebration. Eventually, an advisor put the question to him directly. "Brains in my White House?" Bush replied, "Sure, why not?"[4]

The War on Frankenstein's Day

In recent years, some conservative commentators have argued that the traditional meaning of St. Frankenstein's Day is being watered down by secularists, scientists who are not insane, and people who are terrified of being devoured by cyborgs programed with the personalities of a dozen serial killers.

"This is ridiculous," said some fat asshole with a radio program, "The foolish, superstitious peasants of the PC lobby have gone too far! We're supposed to say 'happy Frankie's' instead of the traditional greeting 'you who are about to die, salute us!' And then you get all this nonsense about calling zombies 'post life entities' and what we used to call a 'Frankenstein's present' is suddenly called an 'unrequested vivisection'."

"After all," he added, "A horrifying disregard for the laws of nature is the Reason for the Season"

Notes

^  The previous record holder for "worst persecution in Europe" dates back to the dark days of the Polish Inquisition, who sought to burn people at a solar-powered stake, and drown people in a ducking stool with a screen door.

^  The peasants murdered Holy Victor in the most humiliating manner that a science nerd can die. They found a girl he was interested in, then took them to a gym, where he was made to do feeble push-ups in front of her until he died of embarrassment.

^  Tequila has been known to have this effect.

^  Hah! You thought that would be a joke about Bush having no brain at all, didn't you? But I totally went the other way with it. Seriously, though, the guy's a fuckwit.

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