“In Soviet Russia, Sailor Moons you!”
“Ooh, I wanna see your moon.”
“GODDAMMIT, I'M THE CHAMPION OF JUSTICE!!!”
Sailor Moon is a manga/anime series created by Naoko Takeuchi. She is believed to be the mentor of Stephanie Myers. Takeuchi made a cameo in Myer's dream and was originally planned to be a Twilight character. The story revolves around some whiny bitch named Usagi Tsukino (Serena in the Wild West) and her adventures using her true identity, Sailor Moon. Along the way, she meets the other Sailor Senshi (Scouts in the Space Western version), but they're pretty much useless. Se also meets the love of her life,
Fag Tuxedo Mask.
Sailor Moon is the leader of the Sailor Senshi. The plot starts out with young Usagi going to school one day when she sees a
roadkill black cat named Luna with a crescent moon on her head. She tells Usagi that she is really Sailor Moon, and must protect the Earth from evil (because, you know, girls have to save the earth. Superman, eat your steel heart out.) Then she meets some other Sailor Scouts in a romantic story that is WAY more complicated than AP algebra (but not enough for Mercury, of course).
Each Sailor is named after said planetary body. For example: Sailor Moon (the Moon), Sailor Mercury (Mercury), and Sailor GX-42356 (after the newly discovered Moon orbiting Earth). They were once employed by the Japanese government under the Magical Girl program, where their mission was simple: defeat the Emperor, the Nazis, Zeon, HAL9000, Zaft, Bill Gates, the Byzantine Empire, the Brazilian international soccer team, hackers, vandals, 4kids, your mom, <insert name here>, and the Red Sox. While under this program, they met the Powerpuff Girls, whom they defeated in 1999 in a dogfight. Currently, all live in the Juban district in Tokyo, Japan.
Basically, if you're gonna watch an episode, keep this list in mind (or, if you're a geek, especially the kind who loves to go incognito on Google Chrome and look at pics of the Senshi, print it out.)
- Usagi pretty much just talks to her friends in a weird, unpunny way. Either that or she bitches about bullshit that can only be controlled by God.
- The monster of the episode shows up and destroys the town while Usagi, completely able to peek from behind the wall, pays no attention and 1) zones out or 2) actually figures out what's going on but overlooks it while thinking about going on a date with Mamoru.
- Luna reminds Usagi and the others to transform into their Sailor alter egos.
- All of the transformation scenes take minutes to occur, but because of total logic, the monsters don't try to attack or anything.
- The Senshi all get themselves in trouble.
- Mamoru shows up as Tuxedo Mask and saves the girls or flirts with them. He then reminds them to use their special attack.
- Sailor Moon yells out, "Moon Tiara Action"! and takes another minute to use her attack.
- The enemies are still waiting.........
- The attack finally hits. IT NEVER MISSES AND ALWAYS KILLS IN ONE HIT. (Unless you're God. Then you could have poked her with a finger and sent her dead, flaming body down to Hell.)
- The Sailor eat junk foof everyday and never get fat.
- Another shameful, old 90's pun ruined by Usagi's crappy voice. End Episode.
The Sailor Senshi
Listed by appearance in the story. All the Senshi are named after planets (Sailor Jupiter, Sailor Mars, Sailor Tatooine, Sailor 51, Sailor Krypton, etc.)
Usagi Tsukino, a.k.a. Sailor Moon, is the leader of the Sailor Senshi. They are called Scouts in the US.
“What? I'm not a Scout! I don't go around selling popcorn or cookies, for fuck's sake!”
She Is undisputedly the loudest, whinest, and laziest girl in the entire multiverse (and let me tell you, being louder and whinier than the entirety of the female gender is no easy feat!). She cries when she has her period, cries when her grades are poor, cries when she steps in dog doodoo, and cries when the monsters rape her (well who wouldn't?). Her grades in school are far, far, below failing. In fact, they are so low, whenever she takes a test, at least five people sitting around her also fail just by being close to her. And she is destined to save Earth from the evil? God help us all. She had a special pen that allowed her to change into the form of another person, but it was taken away after she kept transforming into Lady Gaga.
- Usagi Tsukino
- Sailor Moon
- Princess Serenity
- Yo Mama!
- Princess Sailor Moon
- Neo-Queen Serenity
- Super Sailor Moon
- Popeye the Sailor Moon
- Eternal Sailor Moon
She war arrested in 2006 for "unintentionally" stabbing a 32-year-old mother and her 6-year old son with her Moon Wand. (How could it be unintentional if you stabbed both?Hmm... [[Maybe we'll find out later.) She escaped because Tuxedo Mask showed up and you know what happens when he shows up. If you don't you clearly haven't been reading this article. It means you skipped directly to Sailor Moon's description because you were lured in by her hotness. Don't deny it.
“I actually got my ass kicked by this girl... with calculus problems.”
“She's also hot. Not as hot as Sailor Moon, but then again, the smart ones are never as hot.”
“Twenty-five million, six hundred and fifty-four thousand, eight hundred and sixty-nine multiplied by three-hundred thousand, eight hundred and forty-six is so totally five. Why? Because my IQ is bigger than yours and I goddamn say so!”
Ami Mizuno, a.k.a. Sailor Mercury, is believed to be the smartest person in the universe with an IQ of zero. Her main attack is pretty much useless; all it does is fog up your screen. Be prepared to face this challenge every single episode. She is a hacker at heart; as a matter of fact, she defeated Justin Bieber by hacking into his Facebook, Twitter, and Myspace at the same time. Bieber still can't get back into his account, and Ami repeatedly posts/tweets "I'm gay and I hate girls. Beethoven is way better!"
She was a regular competitor in Jeopardy, but after a terrible loss to <insert name here>, she decided to play Wheel of Fortune instead. She also defeated Anatoly Karpov to become the World Chess Champion in 1999, but was also defeated by <insert name here> in 2000 and 2002 and by Garry Kasparov in 2001. She has since then retired from chess and married Usagi's younger brother, Shingo.
“Hello? 911? Some girl burnt down my house!”
Rei Hino, a.k.a. Sailor Mars, is a member of the Professional Pyromaniac Priestesses International, Inc., Ltd. (PPPIil, a subsidiary of A.C.R.O.N.Y.M.S.), She used to preach at a Shinto shrine before it "for some reason" burnt down and placed a curse on her causing her to be a total hottie. She also worked at Burger King where she developed a new menu item, "The Fireburger", but it was only sold for two days before the restaurant burnt down due to excess grilling, causing a gas leak. And what happens when she uses Mars Fire Ignite? She may look cute, but you can only date her if you have blood type O. The curse allows her to sense it, and if you have blood type A, B, AB, BA, ABA, AOB, BOB, or anything but O, she'll make you spontaneously combust. Known to "accidentally" cause people to be engulfed in flames.
She has a criminal record including two counts of arson and beating up an officer. No kidding, eh? She was offered membership in the KKK, who greatly applauded her act, specifically for burning crosses. She turned this down after not only converting to Catholicism and thinking black people are better but even thinking about going to China or Russia to study Communism.
In a 1993 poll, Sailor Mars placed sixth most popular. She would have clinched third had she not burnt down most of the polled people's houses because they voted for Jupiter instead, JUST because of her breasts.
“One word: HAWT.”
Makoto Kino, a.k.a.w.h.a.t.e.v.e.r. Sailor Jupiter is, put simply, the HOTTEST SAILOR SCOUT EVER! She has a lot of talent. And by talent we mean boobies. Every normal person just wants to go out with her,
maybe even fuck her, and have tried to many times in the past. Those people, however, got bitch slapped so hard in the face... you can't do it. Besides, she's way too tall. Even Goliath would be scared of her. She's a bitch, but let me tell you, don't fuck with her. Sailor Jupiter was originally just another regular lady wrestler (aged 15 under the name of Makoto Kino), until she got banned for life for unknown reasons. She then went back to her home town of Tokyo to continue her education. There she met a girl whose cat gave her a magical stick to transform into who she is today. She had a mean look, annoying voice (although you couldn't comment on it unless you were Beavis, Butthead, Moe, or God), and a gold belt in karate, but her dojo was closed when she put floral prints on the walls. Oh yeah, and remember how Mercury fogged up your screen (given you were actually reading the article)? Well, watch out. If Sailor Jupiter so much as uses her electric attack, you're screwed. Keep a towel with you at all times near your computer.
She's what you would call 'lightning hot".
Note: Scientists believe her boobs gained 2 sizes during her first transformation. They also found that staring at a picture of her for over 15 seconds will produce a boner.
“I wish I could bang a hot blonde chick like her!”
“I brought her into the world to bring love and peace. Totally done did the opposite. Dammit, that bitch didn't do that!”
Minako Aino, a.k.a.l.o.l. Sailor Venus can easily be described: she's so self-centered and conceited, she thinks everything about her is cute, naturally. She's the cutest Senshi of them all, naturally. She can probably kick your ass, naturally. She was originally an F1 driver, having a short career with only a 1994 British Grand Prix win, a 1994 Belgian Grand Prix pole, and . Her career ended when she crashed at Whatever Circuit in Suzuka, Japan, while racing head-to-head with Haruka Tenoh as practice for the Japanese GP later that day. Loss at home course. Sad...
She is naturally confused with Sailor Moon; in fact, when they appear together, they appear to be twins. Venus, however, is considered a mere clone created by the government to pose as Moon. The attempt failed when they realized Minako is way too different. "Wait, what?" Many believe they are twins. How and why, the world will never know. She is almost as
dumb blonde as Sailor Moon. Venus was the original Sailor Senshi created by Naoko Takeuchi for the manga Codename: Sailor V. Her editors then told hernto add more soldiers, and Sailor Moon took the lead role; that's why the two share a bitter rivalry and compete for the title of dumbest best blonde.
I'm sure by now you have a massive boner. If you don't, you have no comedic taste and should probably go see the Wikipedia article.
“Dammit, I wish they weren't lesbians!!!”
“Man, you're referred to as URINE-US AND YOUR-ANUS!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!”
Haruka Tenoh, a.k.a. Sailor Uranus: First off, before we go on, I'd like to remind you NOT to make fun of her name, or so help you God she will kick your ass. Anyways, the most obvious thing about the Urine-us? She's a lesbo who likes to fuck Sailor Neptune (below). They became one of the first lesbian couples married in Japan.
Along with Sailor Venus, Sailor Uranus is a professional F1 driver. She made her debut at a practice session for the American Grand Prix in 1994. She took Venus out of her career when she made her crash in Suzuka. See above unless you don't care. She is one of few people to defeat Michael Schumacher and Sebastian Vettel in the same season.
Don't think about asking Neptune out. Unless you're not Japanese (see Neptune below). If you're American consult Uranus. Otherwise, if you saw it in a country where they're lesbian, Uranus will kill you. Literally. Actually, see Today below. They're married already. Which will mean you're breaking the sixth commandment. Ah, who cares, being lesbian is already bad enough. Even worse, during her first appearance she looked like a boy, meaning either bigger lesbianism AND adultery in Japan, or lesbianism and cousins and... Damn, it's just so confusing. Much, much worse is that the god (keyword here) was male! Talk about college finals being easier than cake compared to figuring this bullshit out. Sailor Uranus has been described as having "clearly masculine traits", and that she protects Usagi "as a man would a woman".
Ugh. That's just so sick.
You decide: Urine-us or Your-anus? Leave your answer in the talk section.
“Would you please stop looking at my boobs? I'm lesbian, dammit!”
Michiru Kaioh, a.k.a. Lesbian Neptune is a lesbian who likes to fuck Sailor Uranus. She is just as conceited as Venus and will always be looking at her mirror even during combat.
Whenever she senses trouble or evil, she will say, "I sense turmoil in the sea." All her attacks are water-based, and just as useless as Mercury's. However, during the Lost Arc, the Senshi are actually able to fight (but people don't do that because they want to see a slime (called Slime Plus) use its drill attack to cum inside the Senshi), and actually manages to defeat the perverted Kung Fu Man.
Until she gets fucked by Kuromaru, and Uranus dumps her because she, too, wants to be a straight person.
She likes to play music, especially on her cello. She once tried out for the school band but was replaced by a frog who was given a first place medal for "Best Performance" by shattering all the gym windows and 55 students' eardrums. Great chance you're one of those lucky deaf people.
In the Italian dub, Uranus and Neptune were merely close friends who had a sister-like relationship. In the French dub, the relationship was explained that Uranus poses as a man in civilian form, and Neptune only pretends to be "his" girlfriend, to help protect their identities. Which doesn't make matters any better, really. Most European dubs portrayed their relationship to be merely platonic. The Taiwanese dub also toned down the relationship. In the United States dub, her relationship with Sailor Uranus was redefined as being cousins, and an ex-boyfriend was mentioned, further defining her as heterosexual.
She's still lesbian, though. Flirt with her (or attempt to) and Uranus (luckily not your anus) will kick your ass (because your anus can't kick itself).
“Pluto is a planet. Why? Because I think Sailor Pluto is hooooooooooooottttt!”
Sailor Pluto was kicked out because of the fact that Pluto is not a fucking planet, goddammit!
Well, the truth is, the manga was written before this whole debate. So fuck off, all you haters. Anyways, Setsuna Meioh, a.k.a. Not a Sailor Pluto is the oldest and most sophisticated of the Senshi, for a person who's position in the Senshi is debatable. The say that she is one of the strongest Senshi, too. She also has this scepter, even though she's not a monarch. Talk about getting all the power and benefits when you're not even a member! She's not that good-looking, so don't bother unless you REALLY, TRULY believe Pluto is a planet. Then she'll think you're perfect for her.
Do you think Pluto should be a planet, much less a Senshi? Leave your answer in the talk section.
Hotaru Tomoe, a.k.a. Sailor Saturn, is pretty much useless. She can heal wounds? Cool. She can summon mass destruction? Done that millions of times before. Dies after doing this? Fuck. What, does she think she's God or something (except for the fact that God cannot die, even though Christ died for our sins as God the son)? Damn. Pretty interesting for a rather minor, unknown, rarely discussed Senshi. Just goes to show you that Satanism, Buddhism, Islam, and even Sonicism is much more popular than Christianity. Pretty lame.
She actually is the only one to retain her name in the American version. Wish they could have done it for the others instead, she rarely ever shows up and is useless when she does. She is considered the strongest Senshi (just because of her power), but not many people outside of Japan know about her or Pluto. That tells you a lot right there.
There are dozens more of Soldiers in the galaxy. The problem with that is that there are countless Senshi all over. This problem could be easily explained, but for the benefit of those who have ADD, we will stretch it into an entire paragraph.
Numerous debates occur on whether there is a Sailor Earth and Sailor Sun or not. People say that since there is Sailor Moon, each moon should have its own name. As a matter if fact, since the planets of their namesake are the names of gods, they think each god AND planet should jave ta respedtive Sailor. The real Senshi are often visited by their evil clones (Sailor Artemis (not to be confused with the cat in the anime, whose future spouse, Luna, can actually turn into a Sailor in the manga), Sailor Zeus, Sailor Poseidon, Sailor Hermes (NOT herpes), Sailor Ares, etc.) Real sailors always thought they should also be Soldiers, but this was debunked on the fact that over one billion sailors would call themselves Moon and wear terrible cosplays, thus causing confusion on who the real Moon was. Many celebrities try to become Senshi, too, but they just suck.
We have not gone though ALL the Senshi, and we're not describing them in detail. Too bad for you.
Senshi from the actual Show
- Sailor Starlights
Relatively minor characters, to say the least. They each share the name Kou. For some reason, Tokyopop gave their manga name "Lights".
- Sailor Galaxia
Yeah, that's... pretty much it... All the others are dead or fake.
A Galaxy, Far, Far Way
- Sailor Tatooine
- Sailor Coruscant
- Sailor Mustafar (has a rivalry with Pyro (er, Mars))
- Sailor Dantooine (as useless as Saturn)
- Sailor Alderaan (died when the Death Star blew said planet up)
Sailor Moon was originally planned to be a reality show, but due to the fact that they're not even fucking realistic, it was turned into a manga. An anime was later produced. Basically, there are five main arcs: Sailor Moon, Sailor Moon R, Sailor Moon S, Sailor Moon SuperS, and Sailor Stars. There is a "Lost Arc" where the Senshi get trapped in a fighting game and get sexually abused by a slime and black floating circle. A story in which the Sailor Senshi go to an island resort turns out to be a rejected idea for another manga from 30 years before. There was another plotless story where some random Egyptian man demanded The Silver Crystal and a long convulsed four musical series which was a mix of Jewish Mythology, vampires, historic serial killers and overthrowing God.
“A new anime was announced for summer 2013. It's spring 2013 as I write this. God help us all.”
Seriously, God help us all.
Some video games were made off the series. This was a 90's series, so guess what we got?
Fucking fighting games (FFG). They were a few in millions if not thousands of Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat, and Final Fight clones. But, hey, you expected a good game off this kind of franchise? Funny...
The manga was originally released in 18 volumes but later rereleased in 12 volumes in 2011. Why? Because people wanted less bang for their euros. Takeuchi actually went to the trouble of redrawing the whole manga to make it seem less artistic and more like it was drawn by a five-year-old.
“Before 'DAMN YOU AUTOCORRECT!!!' there was 'DAMN YOU AMERICANIZATION!!!'”
So basically, in America, a lot of things were changed. They were minor, such as the Senshi being called Scouts, 5 episodes being deleted from the first season and two episodes morphed into one, toning down of violence, burning your dad's hair, adding a "Sailor Says" panel at the end of each episode, making Uranus and Neptune cousins rather then lesbians, and turning male watchers into kabuki performers (Kabuki is when men dress up like women and act like them on stage. They're more feminine than real women, it's so scary because you could be dating a transgender child or dating a faggot). The Japanese versions always seem different and weird, but the Americanized version goes way too far, being totally cheesy and cliche wherever possible. Not to mention the theme song which is a total ripoff of the much better 60's Batman show.
Before Sailor Moon's American debut, Dick (whoops, I mean DiC...k) distributed a promotional tape to syndicators and stations to sell the series. This tape is notable in that it features completely different names for the five main characters; Usagi was called Victoria, Ami was Blue, Rei was Dana, Makoto wasSarah, and Minako was Carrie. Tuxedo Mask was temporarily "The Masked Tuxedo." Pssh. However, when the series aired the names were made to sound closer to their original form. Well, they failed in THAT department.
- Usagi Tsukino - Serena (from "Serenity")
- Ami Mizuno - Amy
- Rei Hino - Raye
- Makoto Kino - Lita (a pun of the word "lightning")
- Minako Aino - Mina
- Haruka Tenoh - Amara
- Michiru Kaioh - Michelle
- Setsuna Meioh - Trista
- Mamoru Chiba - Darien
- Chibiusa - Rini (as "Chibiusa" from "Usagi", diminutive of "Serena")
The only Sailor Senshi who retains her original name is Hotaru Tomoe, but to be safe to English pronounciation, the 'e' remained, silent-thus the pronounciation Toe-moe rather than Toe-moe-eh.
They always have to do that, right? And then you wonder why the Japanese names are used in the article, die-hard Americann SM fans.
For scenes of near-nudity, such as transformation sequences, body lines were removed around the breasts and pubic regions. Throughout the actual anime, many breast lines would be removed. For bathing scenes, the situation was solved by either digitally "raising" the water level around the cleavage or by eliminating body visibility by toning the water a solid color with the rest of the body being hidden. Also, there were removals of "any violence" including violence to children. The only problem with the whole thing? This is what people want to see. There was a small blood mark on Sailor Moon's leg in the pilot episode, but it was probably near-fatal in the original Japanese version.
Most of the viewers, ironically, were men. People did say that the anime intended for young girls had a boyish feel to it... And you could tell if a man was sitting nearby watching Sailor Moon.
“Mmm, look at those big breasts, oh, I want some of that... Jupiter is such a hottie, but I can't decided between fucking a cardboard cutout of her or Venus... *licks lips*”
The most popular purchase was the cutouts, available exclusively in the back of video rental stores, farther back from the porn. The anime helped pave the way for scientists to learn what a "boner" is. Also, many houses with young males were evacuated due to said person jizzing in their pants, then throwing them out on the floor and/or hiding them below the house. This caused a smell that was a mixture of Sailor Moon and poop.
Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask live in a McMansion in Chiba, Japan. Their daughter, Chibiusa, is currently attending UCLA and has a bachelor's degree in magic. Tuxedo Mask is a computer programmer, while Sailor Moon is an avid gamer. Sailor Mercury is attending Geneva Medical College in New York studying surgery. She has won the World Chess Championship, defeating defending champion Anatoly Karpov. She later married Usagi's younger brother, Shingo. Sailor Mars was killed after her house caught on fire, but she respawned and converted from Shinto to Methodist after seeing a vision of God and her two crows, Phobos and Delios. Sailor Jupiter is a five-time female heavyweight champion in boxing. Sailor Venus is an actress in mixed-review films. Sailor Uranus and Neptune became the first lesbian couple married in Japan, and have three kids. Don't ask why or how. Sailor Pluto and Sailor Saturn co-host a TV show on women's rights.