Safari

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Safari Windows

Doesn't look out of place, at all!!

“I run faster than Safari on Windows”
“America's greatest accomplishment”
“German programmers helped a bit”
“It is really really thin... and it is shiny too!”
~ Steve Jobs on stealing the Kode
“Steve Jobs doesn't care about Linux users”
“Safari can go rm itself.”
“TO THE EXTENT NOT PROHIBITED BY LAW, IN NO EVENT SHALL APPLE BE LIABLE FOR PERSONAL INJURY, OR ANY INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, INDIRECT OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES WHATSOEVER, INCLUDING, WITHOUT LIMITATION, DAMAGES FOR LOSS OF PROFITS, LOSS OF DATA, BUSINESS INTERRUPTION OR ANY OTHER COMMERCIAL DAMAGES OR LOSSES, ARISING OUT OF OR RELATED TO YOUR USE OR INABILITY TO USE THE APPLE SOFTWARE, HOWEVER CAUSED, REGARDLESS OF THE THEORY OF LIABILITY (CONTRACT, TORT OR OTHERWISE) AND EVEN IF APPLE HAS BEEN ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGES.”
~ Apple on Safari

Safari is a proprietary interweb browser and a combatant in the 2nd browser war against Interweb Exploder, Firefox, Opera, Google Chrome, and others. Safari was released after Steve Jobs realized how much Internet Explorer for Mac sucked and decided to take matters into his own hands. Safari is the de facto browser for Mac users, and wannabe Mac fans Windows users who can't afford a Mac. Linux and BSD users revert to running it using Wine since they are into Unix in the first place. The Windows version of Safari is considered to be the finest example of a program ported from Mac to Windows, it adheres strictly to Windows User Experience Interaction Guidelines, it is extremely pwn immune[1], it uses native widgets all over and Windows users feel at home when using Safari for Windows.

Safari is closed source which makes it hated by RMS, Linus Torvalds and the GNU people. Steve Jobs keeps the source locked away in a huge iVault in underground Cupertino. KDE consider this to be evil as Safari doesn't conform to the GPL, and KDE's guidelines of adding annoying Ks in the name of every application, adding useless features like bouncing rotating logos and consuming all the resources it can find, actually on the last bit Safari succeeds very well especially on Windows where Safari has to load crap for everything. This hate for Safari doesn't stop the Free Software people from using its layout engine, except for those who consider the BSD license to be evil.

edit Steve Jobs' iVision

Jobs Safari

Steve Jobs on a Safari. (Steve Jobs not pictured)

The idea of a web browser came to Steve Jobs while on a Safari trip to Africa. He was bored and needed something to help him research the interwebs, it is said that Steve Jobs coded the browser over night unaided by any human. Steve Jobs used whatever he could lay his hands on and among them was an ancient artifaKt that was small enough for him to copy to his iPhone, but at the time he only had an iPod, as the iPhone wasn't invented yet, so he had to remove parts of the artifaKt before it could fit on his 20GB 2nd generation iPod.

edit Objective

Safari was written entirely in Objective-C, and follows the primary rule of Objective-C design. Use C everywhere, and just add enough Classes and Objects for the management to OK the project. Steve Jobs though never had to worry about this because he was the designer, developer and manager of Project Safari. A major feature of Objective-C, that Safari makes use of, is random CPU and Memory allocation and deallocation. Which means at random times, you'd find your computer's CPU and Memory deallocated. You may want to reallocate them after shutting down Safari.

How to reallocate CPU and Memory?
If PC:

  • Open case.
  • Make sure CPU and Memory are firmly in place.
  • Close case.

Else if Mac:

  • Throw current Mac.
  • Buy new Mac.


edit How it really happened

Goat Vision

The Goat showed Him the Way! (Black Steve Jobs pictured)

During his African safari a vision in the form of a goat appeared to him, and showed him the way.

Goat: Steve Jobs, IE for Mac is going to be discontinued.
S. Jobs: What? What am I going to do with no browser! How am I going to explore the Internet!
Goat: Don't fret. The KDE people has something you can make use of. You should really consider Aquafying it.
S. Jobs: I see.

That goat was right. And with him by his side, S. Jobs coded the browser overnight. He then unleashed it to the legions of Mac followers saying he could now offer them the ultimate browser. Mac users picked it up like hotcakes and Safari's marketshare continued its constant growth. It is now on track to slowly assimilate Firefox, Opera and other browsers nobody care about.


edit Steve Jobs hates furries

FirefoxKo

How can you hate... that face?

Safari Windows

We are going after Firefox, and we will destroy it! We have no plan to minimize IE's piece of the pie.

Safari Eats Firefox

No more Firefox! The World will be split between me and my old buddy Billy. A duopoly!

Jobs' true motive for Safari is not to destroy Interweb Exploder and liberate the web, they are actually buddies, but to eat Firefox and help Idiot Exploiter remain the dominant interweb browser. The piecharts on the right, taken from a secret Stevenote, shows clear evidence that Steve Jobs' goal is to assimilate Firefox and all the other browser and remain buddies with Internet Explorer. It was rumored that Steve Jobs is an undercover Microsoftie, a big fan of Interweb Exploder, and he is using Safari to try to appeal to Microsoft and have them re-release IE for Mac.

The first piechart shows how Steve Jobs perceive the world before the release of Safari for Windows, and for some reason Pac-Man as being gray-ish, and the second shows how he thinks it will wants it to be after the release of Safari for Windows, and for some reason Pac-Man as being gray-ish. Yeah! Like Firefox and Opera users can't wait to replace their addon-full/widget-full browsers with a browser that can barely browse without suddenly catching fire and exploding.[2]


edit Mozilla fights back

“This world view that Steve gave a glimpse into betrays their thinking: it's out-of-date, corporate-controlled, duopoly-oriented, not-the-Web thinking, betrays at best a blurry view of the real world, at worst an explicit intent to bring more of the world under directed control from Cupertino.”
~ John Lilly on how Steve Jobs is evil and outdated
“It destroys participation, it destroys engagement, it destroys self-determination. And, ultimately, it wrecks the quality of the end-user experience, too. Remember (or heard about) when you had to get your phone from AT&T? Good times.”
~ John Lilly on how Safari for Windows is out to displace Firefox

After learning about it Mozilla's COO John Lilly was enraged, he swore to FightAppleTillDeath and accused Steve Jobs of conspiring with Bill Gates, capitalizm and out-dated mentality.

edit iFeatures

No Fx3

Because Firefox 3 doesn't exist nor is faster than Safari... Oh wait!

Yesfx4

And now that Firefox 3.6 is there you can clearly see that it's faste...Oh wait!

Safari features awesome features such as a very simple GUI interface (read: featureless) even braindead people could use. In truthiness, Steve Jobs stole the Kode from KDE and removed all the features like the file manager, split panel view, ftp client and file viewer to make it easy for Mac users to use and prevent Finder from feeling left behind. Steve Jobs likes to brag about Safari's speed, but that's hardly the case. Safari on Windows has to load a whole lot of crap since it reinvents everything; from buttons and menus to more silly stuff like font renderings. Safari on Mac is slightly better, but is now left behind by Firefox 3.[3]

Apple speak The truth
Blazing Performance Every browser, except for IE, is faster.
Elegant User Interface Not on Windows!
Pop-up Blocking Old feature!
Find Very old feature!
Tabbed Browsing After every major browser, except for IE.
SnapBack AKA Back, Back! Back! Back! Back...
Forms AutoFill Old feature.
Resizable Text Areas OMG something new and sort of useful!!!
Private Browsing Opera had it first![4]
Security Too bad it's not true! See footnotes.
Graphics and Fonts Impressive only when compared to Lynx.




















edit Safari 4

Nuked Planet

Safari 4 has some stability issues... Nitro Engine Asplode!!!!

Safarionmac

Like all Apple software, Safari is designed to make Windows look bad, so it works as it should, only on the Mac.

Safari4 Vista

Safari 4 only packs the essential features

Safari 4 is Steve Jobs' latest attempt to assimilate furries, which is basically just like the ones before it except it stole a whole lot of ideas from Google Chrome, Firefox and Opera. And still no GNU/Linux or UNIX port!!!! I thought it said Mac and PC on the download page!!! In truthiness however, like all interweb browsers, it is based upon the 1940s German computer program, Konqueror. Konqueror was originally designed solely for losing WWII.

edit Performance

Speed! Safari 4 is doubleplusfast when tested using Apple's trustworthy and unbiased benchmarks. 3x faster JavaScript performance than Firefox 3, which is astonishing until you add NoScript which enables Firefox 3 to run JavaScript at infinite speed. To enjoy the amazing Safari 4 features you will need at least 640GB of RAM[5] and the latest GPU supporting DirectX 27.

edit Innovations

Steve Jobs claims that he single-handedly hardcoded 150 new features, here's what he's really up to:

  • Cover Flow - Is this really needed? OMG Bloat!
  • Tabs on Top - See: Google Chrome Tabs[6]
  • Top Sites - See: Opera only this time with slow 3D animation!
  • Full History Search - See: Opera
  • Full-Page Zoom - See: Opera
  • Windows Native Look and Feel - Thanks for making this article irrelevant!
  • Speculative Loading - See: Firefox
  • Nitro Engine - Now Safari got street cred and is 30x faster than Inbred Asploder!... until you run out of nitro!

edit Related Articles

Bouncywikilogo8
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Safari (web browser).

edit Footnotes

  1. Was first browser to get pwned in Pwn2Own contest
  2. AKA Interweb Exploder
  3. As far as Steve Jobs is concerned Firefox 3 does not exist!
  4. Maybe not, but Opera people like to claim that they invented everything
  5. 640 should be enough for everyone
  6. We've always been at war with EurasiaEastasia
VTE The cornerstones of the Internets
Internet | Internets | World Wide Web
Browsers Internet Explorer | Safari | Konqueror | Maozilla | Mozilla Firefox | Google Chrome
Languages Perl | PHP | Java | JavaScript | Internet-speak
Formats Image file formats (LIM PNG SVG) | HTML | SGML
Consortiums W3C
Personal tools
projects