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You are a worthless human being. You can help Uncyclopedia by just killing yourself. Or contributing to this page to give yourself some semblance of self-worth (before we erase it). But seriously...
“GO GO GADGET RAZOR BLADE!”
“Here's a guy who when he's depressed, he feels sad”
Depression is nature's way of ridding a species of members that are weak, annoying and entirely worthless. Unfortunately, some wastrels will live their entire lives in hopeless depression without ever enriching humanity through self-annihilation.
edit Who has depression?
You. No one else in the world ever feels sad like you do. You are the first person to be dumped by a significant other, lose a job, be clumsy with the opposite sex, be born in Sunderland, have mean parents, have a mean boss. You are therefore defective.
edit Presumptive Diagnosis of Depression
Depression is the natural state of truly worthless people. In fact, only truly worthless people feel depression. To gain an understanding, take a moment to reflect on your life's accomplishments. If you feel a sense of satisfaction; congratulations, you are normal. If you do not at least feel some level of contentment you are worthless, and are clearly depressed.
edit The Simple Maths
There is a simple formula that can be used to determine whether You are depressed. It is as follows.
Where LA equals the amount of life accomplishments you have ever achieved, and where f is the amount of times you have Fucked up in the last year. If the number is greater than ten, you are depressed. Don't feel depressed? Then you're probably incapable of feelings, which is sign of depression. Or at least that's what my English teacher told me one time. He was probably wrong though.
The key danger of depression is the intense aroma of not showering for 40 days and nights, since there's really no point in being clean anyway if you're going to kill yourself. You also might just throw your kids out the window to see if you still feel anything anymore.
edit Some things to try to be less Depressed
- Take a long walk. Bonus if there is a short dock in the area.
- Take a bubble bath. The warm water will relax you, and you might slip under - if you stay under long enough, you will be less depressed.
- Color a pretty picture. Release your inner kindergartner and use lots of bright colors - like red for blood, blue for tears, green for boogers...
- Smoking. Because there is nothing more comforting than slow Suicide. Bonus - your clothes will smell and nobody will want to be around you.
- Enjoy a nice day at the spa. Oh wait, you don't have the money for that. Could that be why you're depressed?
- Practice affirmations. Look yourself in the mirror and say "I am a worthwhile person." Smile. Feel stupid. Repeat.
- Write an article. You'll have a great sense of accomplishment...until it gets deleted.
- Talk to people. Because nothing cheers you up like bringing other people down or bragging about your insignificant achievements.
- Buy twenty pure-bred kittens. When you're bored with them, you'll have 20 free tennisballs. Alternatively, you could wait until they multiply into sixty pure-bred kittens with the accompanying litterbox smell permeating your house until the neighbors complain.
- Have a snack. You're already overweight, what's a few more extra pounds?
- Watch Robot Chicken episodes. You could do what they do, even if it involves you facing electrocution and getting your head A splode.
- Drugs. Because some hallucinations make you go AAAAAAAAA when you see rainbows everywhere.
- When all the above fails there is only one thing left: Medication. Cymbalta is great. If the depression doesn't get you first then Cymbalta's side effects will.
edit How You Can Help People with Depression
- Constantly remind them how well-adjusted and successful you are. This gives them a high standard to which they can compare themselves, and strive to achieve.
- Tell them to "jump off a bridge". Be sure to sound honest and kind.
- Ask them, "What do YOU have to be depressed about?" Follow with derisive laughter.
- Tell them that if they would only accept Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior, they wouldn't feel so sad. If they reply that they already know the Savior, insist that they don't have enough faith.
- Electroshock therapy is surprisingly easy for the average person to administer. An inexpensive, portable ECT machine can be constructed from a car battery and jumper cables, or alternatively with a cattle prod. Treatment is most effective when the "patient" isn't expecting it.
- Tell them how selfish they are to be depressed.
- Show them pictures of starving kids in Africa.
- Give them some rope and a stool.
- Have sex with them. (Preferably consensual)
- Give them money, even though they would probably use it to buy depressing music anyway.
- Send them to a mental hospital. This does cost taxpayer dollars, however.
- Cut off their penis if they are sad because people in public saw his erection.
- Show them a picture of a man stretching his anus a feet wide
- Force them to watch My Little Pony
- Scrub mayonnaise on your armpit and sing Bohemian Polka in front of them while running around naked on a frying pan laid on the ground (Make sure they laugh their ass off by running around like an idiot)
- Stand on your head and show them off.
- Watch this video, then look into the mirror and say big mac 3 times turn around and he will be there.
- During the funeral, while they're crying, remove the body from its casket and rape it. Claim that it felt SO good that they should try it too! The social stigma you would receive in the aftermath would make you depressed, creating a cycle of death, rape and funerals!
- Tell them to consume some narcotics and drink liquified peanut butter while hitting his head on the wall forever until he lost his mind.
- Wipe ass with mace
- Kick their testes to give them enough adrenaline to stay up and gamble at the casino
edit Music can help
Especially bands like Creed, since they induce suicide earlier.