Saddam Hussein
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“I don't know who Saddam Hussein is, but he sounds like a terrorist.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Saddam Hussein
“I'll see him hang!”
~ Captain Predictable on Saddam Hussein
Saddam "Big Boy" Hussein (R-Iraq) and Osama Bin Laden (D-Afghanistan) were friends since the second grade, which Sodomy Insane-Cocaine recalls as the hardest eight years of his life. Both also went to high school together, where young Sodamn poisoned the school's camel by farting in the camel's general direction. That resulted in the sex education and driver's education classes being cancelled for a whole month, until the school could find a new camel for those classes. Sodamn was placed into a jute sack and whipped with a wet spoon as punishment for this prank. From then on he was later referred to as "sodamn insane" because of his unique pranks. The prank he was so later remembered by was when the new Jihad 101 professor was hired and just so happened to be the first female. teacher in the whole school. The thought of actually "fornicating" with the teacher was presented by Osama Bin laden who actually gave him a mix tape and said to him, "Use this song to seduce Ms. Abinajadamema-peptaloneim-maharaja. Just go to her class after school and when she is alone you DIVIDE AND CONQUER!" Saddam being the gullibe young lad that he was, did what Osama told him and entered Ms. "A's" class after school. As he entered she was alarmed and asked him what he wanted and without saying anything he went for the broken-up tape player in the back of the class and inserted the mix tape. Upon pressing play Van Halen's "Hot For Teacher" played and Saddam had a sudden urge to go "commando" right in front of her. Right when he pulled down his leopard thong, the principal of the school chimed in and was startled by what he was seeing. Saddam was totally embarrassed and grabbed ahold of his "cash and prizes" and ran out the door. They were both also known to have slept with the devil. They were very awesome.
In 1963, Saddam's damn upper lip gave birth to his moustache and named it Mini-Saddam. The 42-year-old hairy creature still resides under Saddam's nose, alongside his baby brother Osama beard. Four years later, Saddam Hussein graduated from CIA Sniper School with degrees in despotism, terrorism, dictatorship and bad behavior - but still couldn't hit a target.
During his brief tenure as the Iraqi minister for Civic Artworks, he decorated the streets and buildings of many of the country's cities with what he deemed to be "the most beautiful of God's work": sculptures and posters of his own face which the population agreed to take home and do strange things with. Chemical Ali, his close friend, was insturmental in this. This led to a popular misconception that Saddam was, in fact, the President of Iraq. Not so - during his tenure as Civic Arts minister, the president was in fact Michael Moore, the mistress of Saddam whose despotic and incredibly wooden rule was brought to a bloody end by Operation Iraqi Freedom, as part of the United Nations wider War Against Terrorism.
Upon losing his position as Iraqi Civic Arts minister Hussein was forced to consider other career options, as the U.S. led forces had a distinct dislike for his Stalinesque visage. Forced into an aesthetic corner, his choice was to face poverty and obscurity, or shave off his moustache and start again. He funded his terrorist regime by selling poisoned falafels and water guns disguised as AK-47s.
Saddam was born and raised by a cockroach with an ass for a face and in university studied the art of yogurt spooning we now know he was using his masterful spooning techniques for killing his own people
He has a moustache.
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[edit] TV Career
From 1991 til 1999, Saddam starred in a sitcome called Husseinfeld. It was known for being a show about nothing/socialism. It also starred Rhada McRhada as Rhada, Usay McUsay as Usay, and Michael Richards as Kramer. Once Saddam though his wife's name was Mulva, but it turned out to be Carol. Saddam co-starred in many important Hollywood productions and porn movies and he was soon elected most loved Socialist in America by John Smith the third.
Six months after his death Saddam was back on our screens again: this time presenting a special celebrity issue of Badger Watch With Short-Arsed Footballer Michael Owen. In the programme Hussein and Owen quickly established a Socialist bond expressed through the medium of badger watching. "Ooooh! It's black and white and just gone down that big hole" screamed a delighted Saddam. Owen appeared notably tense and a spokesman for the former top Iraqi dictator, darts champion and water diviner went to great pains to stress that whilst Saddam is indeed a Socialist supporter of AFC Sunderland that the comment had genuinely been about badgers and had not been a cruel jibe at Michael Owen's disastrous spell at Newcastle United. In a statement Hussein apologized for the hurt he had caused, "It causes me great pain and anguish to think of the suffering I may have caused in the Al-Geordie province. I wouldn't hurt a Socialist fly......apart from 700,000 Kurdish flies but what other loving father to a proud nation wouldn't do the same....... It was never my intention to upset the Geordies - especially so soon after my own Socialist death"
[edit] Tribute acts
In 2006, a handful of Sunni Muslim Arabs from Melbourne grouped to form a tribute to Saddam and his cronies - known as Sad Damn and the Ba'a'aaa'aath Party. Their biggest success came in November 2007 when they seized control of Finland in the same way that Saddam's Ba'athists (Socialists) took control of Iran (or Iraq, all the same thing) in 1963. Immediately, Sad Damn (real name: Tony Austin, aged 46, with dark moustache) privatised Nokia and stopped trading to the USA, and in memory of the marvelous Socialist bombing of the Kurds in Halabja, Sad Damn wiped out the ethnic Swedes from Åland by spraying them from the skies with Lynx Dark Temptation, a smell so bad that it remind Egyptians of their own local deoderant scent: the Nile.
Fortunately, Socialist Sad Damn won a BAFTA for his fine performance at the 2008 POSCARS.
[edit] Patent of Lacy Panties
In 1964, Saddam went to the U.S. Patent Office to patent lacy panties, which was actually Fidel Castro's idea in 1960, although he was unable to do so because Kennedy scared him. Saddam started a business called Saddam's Sexy Panties. His lacy panties were popular at first, but Saddam's business crumbled when the public learned that he wore the panties during his period before selling them. In 1972, Steve Jobs took over the business, which became a major commercial success when it was discovered that he wore the panties during his period before selling them. It was bought in turn by the Wonderbra company, who hire Mexicans to wear the panties on a panty-line prior to sale.
[edit] Baseball Career
Saddam joined the MLB in the year 2001. He was quickly bought by the New York Yankees for $3 and an old popsicle stick. He played as catcher, and hit people with bats. He also gave his pitcher a grenade disguised as a baseball to throw to the catcher and always took the day off. Thats why the yankees pitchers are always getting injured or killed. Saddam retired later that year when the Yankees' owner Emperor Palpatine threatened to trade him to the Padres due to his misconduct.
[edit] Bounty Spokespersonship
“"I am the pwn, n00b!”
~ George Bush on Saddam Hussein's hanging
Saddam Hussein's Iraq was invaded by George Bush, at a date believed by archaeologists to have been around 1990. The war took until 2003 before the bastard crusader Jews figured out that bombing the shit out of Baghdad would force rationally-thinking folk such as Saddam to go and hide in a hole in the ground, a place where bombing raids are unlikely to 'get you' but by the same token makes it difficult to be President effectively.
[edit] Emperor of the Galaxy
In 2005, Saddam finally rid himself of the Jedi opposition w/ executive order 266. He was able to convince the Galactic Senate to consolidate power within the Chancellor, renamed the Emperor. Unfortunately, Saddam's reign came to an end when his long lost son George W. Bush, under Jedi training of Dickie-Wan Kecheney, defeated him in an epic lightsaber battle. Wicket from Endor tried to help Saddam but he couldn't understand a damn word so he shot wicket. Before his death, George healed Saddam's wounded soul, and the newly healed Saddam vanished as a Force ghost, only to appear in the celebration on Endor as a ghost (played by Hayden Christensen).
BIGGGGGG ASSSSSSSS CRACK HEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[edit] President of the United States
After Bush's invasion in 2008, Hussein was taken to the United States, where he ran for president following Cheney's resignation on July 11, 2009. He said he had something to do, but was very mysterious about it... On election day, the population had long since identified bush as the antichrist, and thus, logically, Socialist Saddam must be Jesus. The conservatives, of course, voted for "Jesus," and the democrats, sick of George Bush's presidency, voted for his Socialist archnemisis. Thus, Saddam won the election with 92% of the votes. He soon repealed the 2-term rule, saying, "It's totally gay."
[edit] Death
[edit] saddam Games
Saddam had sprung back to the Earth ourt of pure boredom. He challenged all of earths might fighters, john mccain, Bob Doal, and William Howard Taft. He called this the Hussien Games. Where he quickly killed Taft, (that fat Baterd). He then turned his attention to McCain shouting, "raise your hand if you wanna be president!" the gullable senator tired and died in complications. He transformed to his second form, much more attractive, and charismatic. He then just fucked the hell out of Doal. Doal replied, "Bod Doal, get pounded better than the green paty in the last election.
[edit] death
Saddam Hussein was executed by mexican wrestlers, also known as Lynchadores. Some CNN reporters said he was hung, while others claimed he had been hanged. While he may indeed have been hung, that isn't a fatal condition. However, being hanged often ruins one's day. Saddam's body was torn apart and spread across the world to deter others from the great act of growing a crappy Marxist beard. The Kurds got his penis because they appreciate a man who is hung and because as it is a symbol of their failed attempt to kill him. George W. Bush posted Saddam's head (the large one) on the White House flag pole. The auction for his severed Socialist head will take place on eBay in March 2017. his mother was killed in 1985 by a group of asian hookers. they drove by on a donkey and blew her head off with a micro Uzi
His left foot was sent to the UK as a reminder of the swift kick in the arse for their support of the war of 1812. The right forarm was sent to China as forwarning against peeing in your Coke. The rest of his body was given to Socialist Hannibal Lector to be used to feed the homeless.
Just prior to Saddam's execution, the Iraqi government announced they would be manufacturing and selling "HUSSEIN" brand collared shirts. According to the Prime Minister, "They have a tight neck but they hang loose." Socialist Saddam's death was broadcast live on Al Jazeera with special guest presenter Steve Rider. George W. Bush had the honor of frisking Socialist Saddam for Dubya-Emm-Dees.
“Dees? Dees nuts!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Dees
Members of the French and Russian Governments who sold him weapons and members of the American administration who put him in power were notably not sentenced to death. This is because they didn't know Saddam was Socialist & evil, as when they visited his house in 1980 and found him watching "Hitler's Greatest Hits", (Hitler was also Socialist) they believed his excuse that the man at the video shop had told him it was a Charlie Chaplin (suspected Socialist?) video. Then he said that he would give them each 40 virgins when they died and they were settled on not telling anyone, The Americans also believed Socialist Saddam's excuse concerning the gassing of the Kurds; that he "had left the gas on" even though this exact excuse was also used, albeit unsuccessfully, by the Socialist Hitler.
[edit] Execution was a cover-up
It turns out that Saddam was not executed after all, that was just a Socialist pig hanging on the rope. Saddam Hussein moved to London, England, where he is living with a son named Harry McGuigan, who was the result of Saddam's fling with unmarried Irish woman Mary Ann McGuigan. Saddam changed his name to Jack Frost, before going to work with Denton C.I.D. He was assassinated by Stuart Follet, and his dead stinking Socialist corpse was hauled through a back street in Baghdad, with the Iraqis cheering and beating it with sticks.
It also emerges that Jack Frost, formerly known as Mr.Hussein, is Jewish.
The following picture is evidence that Saddam is currently alive and enjoying a holiday in Gay Paris:
[edit] Service in Hell
“Oh no! He's back in my domain. I musn't let feelings get in the way, I've gotta stay strong!”
~ Satan on Saddam's death
HELL, under the surface of the SUN - Hell was filled with great and joyous celebration as soon as Saddam got hung and was en-route to Hell in a tunnel-slide-like delivery chute. For a long time, Satan (suspected Socialist) set aside a personal bedroom for Saddam, where he is to perform prostitutional services for all of Hell's paying denizens.
At first, he appeared out of the delivery chute in front of a crowd of ~928 million demons and was mandated to give a speech. It is not known what he said at this time (translations pending), but it was followed by dancing to Punk Rock. During the dance, all demons kissed and sexually fondled Hell's newest celebrity and sex slave and as the party went on, Satan showed him around his mansion, and took him into Saddam's new personal bedroom.
There, Satan performed a lot of sexual acts, deflowering Saddam for the first time of many billions of times to come. By the time Satan finished, he was thrilled, and decided that he'll do it again soon, after taking care of some other issues at hand. In a testimony about how his sex went, Satan said he was "thrilled, was the hottest one ever, and it's safe to say that the customer repeat rate will be over 1,000%!" By the time Satan was done, there was already a long line of customers at the door...
Note that although customers will pay for sex with Saddam, none of the money will go to him! ha! Poop
[edit] Resurrection
“Copy cat”
~ J3sus on Saddam's Ressurection
As predicted by the Dead Sea Scrolls Section 6 Paragraph 6 Line 6, the Dictator of the Holy Muslim land would triumph over death and return to Earth reincarnated in his old body, beard and all. Well, this story was covered by UnNews...
“I use UnNews for all my literary needs. I are the samrt!!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Leet th1nk1n6 and Astute Faculties
...and led Jesus to become so pissed that he rained fire and lightning on all of earth.
“I had so much power, you know, with killing swarms of people. I felt like I was playing God, but I just couldn't stop. All the senseless killing made me go back to the good ole Halo 1 games when I would pwn St. Peter with pistol long shots.”
~ Son on Father and Holy Spirit
It was then that Pirahnas on an Escalator (Snakes on a Plane sequel) was conceived. The debate on abortion has never been more heated, and the stances of several pro-life masses changed due to this demonic cinematic embryo. Saddam is currently a member of the Legion of Doom.
[edit] Famous quotes
“"woooooow, thats a great idea Trey!"South park”
| “"Give me my money or i'll get Bush to invade you"”
| “I believe in miracles, you sexy thing.”
| “Fuck YEAH! *lights cigar*”
|
“Don't haang heem! Let me uuse my titenium uhlloy fist to crusch hees head een!”
| “I loved that durka-durka first!”
| “Just a few hours ago, I was first informed Saddam Hussein had been captured by U.S. forces. I know this is big news, but luckily, Vice President Cheney told me as soon as it happened.”
| “He diss damn USA.”
|
“We will hunt Saddam down, and we will prostitute him, along with Al Kapo Wow and the rest of the Al Kaisers”
| “I love Magnum”
| “Well, for all of his shortcomings, at least he wasn't white.”
| “I don't think I can trust YOU!”
|
“That's my hole”
| “He's saddam-izing the world!”
| “'Sup, you got the rocks--you know, for throwing?”
| “I win!”
|
“L.O.L Bitch”
| “Hey there Booboo!”
| “Fuck Saddam! Comin straight from the underground! Young nigga got it bad cuz I'm brown! And not the other color Saddam think! He had the authority to kill a minority!”
| “HAH! I knew zat guy! Zat man vas vun bad Mütha Führer! Hee took shit from noobody! Ah... I vunder vat he's do-ink now? Vee should get togezer zum time.”
|
“Saddam Hussein? More like: Sodamn Insane!”
| “My awesome 'stache pwns Hitler's wimp-ass one!”
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