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You are a worthless human being. You can help Uncyclopedia by just killing yourself. Or contributing to this page to give yourself some semblance of self-worth (before we erase it). But seriously...
Depression is nature's way of ridding a species of members that are weak, annoying and entirely worthless. Unfortunately, some wastrels will live their entire lives in hopeless depression without ever enriching humanity through self-annihilation.
edit Who has depression?
You. No one else in the world ever feels sad like you do. You are the first person to be dumped by a significant other, lose a job, be clumsy with the opposite sex, be born in Sunderland, have mean parents, have a mean boss. You are therefore defective.
edit Diagnosing depression
Depression is the natural state of truly worthless people. In fact, only truly worthless people feel depression. To gain an understanding, take a moment to reflect on your life's accomplishments. If you feel a sense of satisfaction; congratulations, you are normal. If you do not at least feel some level of contentment you are worthless, and are clearly depressed.
edit The Simple Maths
There is a simple formula that can be used to determine whether You are depressed. It is as follows.
Where LA equals the amount of life accomplishments you have ever achieved, and where f is the amount of times you have Fucked up in the last year. If the number is greater than ten, you are depressed. Don't feel depressed? Then you're probably incapable of feelings, which is sign of depression. Or at least that's what my English teacher told me one time. He was probably wrong though.
The key danger of depression is the intense aroma of not showering for 40 days and nights, since there's really no point in being clean anyway if you're going to kill yourself. You also might just throw your kids out the window to see if you still feel anything anymore. Of coarse the benefits of depression, that of guilt tripping your friends and loved ones into giving you whatever you want, far outweighs the risks.
Living with a suicidal depressed person is sort of like being an amateur hostage negotiator during your off hours:
Hostage Taker: "I want 4 cheese pizzas, a pound of weed, an airplane with PS4 on it, and someplace to live rent free for the next year, or else your best friend gets it! And no funny business, because my ex-girlfriend ripped out my rape joke based sense of humor!"
Hostage Negotiator: " Get the swat team snipers in position and have the fire department sever the electricity, but remember I want kid gloves on this. Easy, easy. Listen man, just keep cool, like Fonzie, you know Fonzie? No one has to die today; the drugged pizza will be here in half an hour."
Hostage Negotiator: "And boom goes the dynamite, oh well I tried. Man I really need to work on that thing where I say out loud what I meant to be thinking."
Popular treatments for depression include illegal drug use, money, sex, plastic surgery, and Garfield strips. Doctors will often tell patients not to do any chores around the house, nor to get a job or a significant other as those things have been clinically proven to increase depression; 4 out of 5 physicians also recommend playing video games at least 4 hours a day and maintaining ignorance of the existence of old age, sickness and death.
edit How to be less depressed
- Take a long walk. Bonus if there is a short dock in the area.
- Take a bubble bath. The warm water will relax you, and you might slip under - if you stay under long enough, you will be less depressed.
- Color a pretty picture. Release your inner kindergartner and use lots of bright colors - like red for blood, blue for tears, green for boogers...
- Smoking. Because there is nothing more comforting than slow Suicide. Bonus - your clothes will smell and nobody will want to be around you.
- Enjoy a nice day at the spa. Oh wait, you don't have the money for that. Could that be why you're depressed?
- Practice affirmations. Look yourself in the mirror and say "I am a worthwhile person." Smile. Feel stupid. Repeat.
- Write an article. You'll have a great sense of accomplishment...until it gets deleted.
- Talk to people. Because nothing cheers you up like bringing other people down or bragging about your insignificant achievements.
- Buy twenty pure-bred kittens. When you're bored with them, you'll have 20 free tennisballs. Alternatively, you could wait until they multiply into sixty pure-bred kittens with the accompanying litterbox smell permeating your house until the neighbors complain.
- Have a snack. You're already overweight, what's a few more extra pounds?
- Drugs. Because some hallucinations make you go AAAAAAAAA when you see rainbows everywhere.
- When all the above fails there is only one thing left: Medication. Cymbalta is great. If the depression doesn't get you first then Cymbalta's side effects will.
edit How to help people with depression
- Constantly remind them how well-adjusted and successful you are. This gives them a high standard to which they can compare themselves, and strive to achieve.
- Tell them to "jump off a bridge". Be sure to sound honest and kind.
- Ask them, "What do YOU have to be depressed about?" Follow with derisive laughter.
- Tell them that if they would only accept Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior, they wouldn't feel so sad. If they say they have already done so, insist that they don't have enough faith.
- Constantly nag them to declutter their room or house, and be sure to tell them they wouldn't be depressed if it wasn't for the clutter.
- Electroshock therapy is surprisingly easy for the average person to administer. An inexpensive, portable ECT machine can be constructed from a car battery and jumper cables, or alternatively with a cattle prod. Treatment is most effective when the "patient" isn't expecting it.
- Tell them how selfish they are to be depressed.
- Remind them that they have responsibilities and they shouldn't be shirking them by sulking or moping around. Keep them too busy with chores/work for them to think about trivial things like emotions. This works great with emotions like anger, too, and should work just as well with melancholy. Micromanage them if need be to prevent distraction.
- If they are an adult, treat them like a teenager. If they are a teenager or elderly, treat them like a 5 or 10 year old child. If they are a child, treat them like a toddler. Constantly tell them how they are acting like the age you are treating them.
- Discuss how you and everybody else are getting more accomplished than they are. Frequently.
- Show them pictures of starving kids in Africa.
- Give them some rope and a stool.
- Have sex with them. (Preferably consensual)
- Give them money, even though they would probably use it to buy music from bands like Creed or Radiohead, which will just make them more depressed.
- Send them to a mental hospital. This does cost taxpayer dollars, however.
- Tell them to "Man Up". Even if they are a girl or a woman. After all, its the proper response to all suffering, right?
- Force-feed them prescription medications.
- Tell them if they lost weight, they wouldn't be depressed. If they don't feel fat, take them clothes shopping and have them try on clothing 2 sizes too small. If they are under 100 pounds, tell them they need to gain muscle and then they wouldn't be so depressed.
- Force them to watch My Little Pony, so they will believe that Friendship is Magic.
- Stand on your head and show them off.
- Engage them in a habanero-eating contest, which will put their mental anguish in sharp perspective. Have them compete with someone more accustomed to spice than they are, such as someone from Ethiopia, the West Indies, or anyone who enjoys ghost chiles.
- Exercise is healthy for the mind and body. Make them work out for 8 to 12 hours.
- Spank their inner child until it cries for mercy.