Depression
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Part of the Uncyclopedia series on Misery:
- Depression
- Pessimism
- Fear
- Pissed
- Suicide
- Apathy
- Give a shit
- Emo
- Hamlet
- Torture
- Death
- Hell
- Quitting
- Internal audit
- Calculus
“Depression hurts, but not as much as me.”
~ Chuck Norris on Depression
“GO GO GADGET RAZOR BLADE!”
~ Inspector Gadget on Being depressed
Depression is nature's way of ridding species of members that are weak, useless, worthless, and those that sit around all day crying and slitting their wrists. Unfortunately, some wastrels will live their entire lives in hopeless depression without ever enriching humanity through self-annihilation. Christians, pantheists and other lunatics that hold their deity to fairly low expectations claim that this is evidence to support Unintelligent Design as the self-preservation instinct in worthless people is entirely useless. However, many philosophers point out that in order for a person to be truly worthless they would have to be deprived of a, in their case, virtuous self-destructive nature. It is worth noting that the pussies who expound this theory have absolutely no influence within the academic community what so ever. Too complicated? Just be emo.
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[edit] Who has depression?
You. No one else in teh world ever feels sad like you do. You are the first person to be dumped by a significant other, lose a job, be clumsy with the opposite sex, have mean parents, have a mean boss. You are therefore defective and can be fixed through medication, usually Prozac, Zoloft, Ketel One, or cannabis. Kitten huffing has also been known to ease depression, but has the side-effect of an insane libido.
[edit] Self-Diagnosis of Depression
Depression is the natural state of truly worthless people. In fact, only truly worthless people feel depression. To gain an understanding, take a moment to reflect on your life's accomplishments. If you feel a sense of satisfaction; congratulations, you are normal. If you do not at least feel some level of contentment you are worthless.
[edit] Dangers
The key dangers of depression, include its signature alluring smell of shit, covering the intense aroma of not showering for 40 days and nights, since there's really no point in being clean anyway if you're going to kill yourself. Other dangers include the well documented and cited fact that depression makes girls and boys think you're cool. [Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]
Once coolness has been gained from our key subject through means of becoming depressed, we then leave him to die, as it would have been better if he were never born at all, then continue our investigation elsewhere forgetting about his cool, dead, rotting corpse. Never to think a single thought of him again, purely for examples sake, and not because his face is genuinely hated.
[edit] Treatment
Popular treatments for depression include illegal drug use, money, sex, plastic surgery, and Garfield strips. However, the only proven-effective cure for depression is suicide.
[edit] How You Can Help People with Depression
- Constantly remind them how well-adjusted and successful you are. This gives them a high standard to which they can compare themselves, and strive to achieve.
- Tell them to "jump off a bridge". Be sure to sound honest and kind so it's clear that you have no important thing to do than help a stupid ass loser like you.
- Ask them, "What do YOU have to be depressed about?" Follow with derisive laughter.
- Tell them that if they would only accept Jesus as their personal Lord and Saviour, they wouldn't feel so sad.
- Electroshock therapy is surprisingly easy for the average person to administer. An inexpensive, portable ECT machine can be constructed from a car battery and jumper cables. Treatment is most effective when the "patient" isn't expecting it.
- Tell them how selfish they are to be depressed.
- Show them pictures of starving kids in Africa.
- Put a mirror in front of their face, in which will result in an instant death.
[edit] Music Can Help
Especially bands like MCR, since they induce suicide earlier.
Studies have also shown Black Sabbath to be helpful, especially when played backwards. Also, a viewing of the prime ministers questions starring David Cameron and Gordon "I like chips" Brown can alleviate symptoms, by reminding you that you'l never be as big a cunt as them.
Really though, the last one's the only one that would really work.
[edit] Emos And Depression
Emos don't have depression, nor do they help. They have just developed acute racism which provides similar symptoms. We doooooo! No, really, they don't.
