From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“This is a United States Sanctioned Raid with the full support of the United States Government (see Bush) in order to bring you peace, democracy and a better way of life for all parties involved, especially ours. We have a warrant authorized by the President of the United States of America to take your daughters and kill all males in your family of fighting age. Failure to comply will result in us taking your daughters and killing all males in your family of fighting age, and accidentally shooting you too.”
“Das ist gute”
“Why am I an NCO? I can face a man head on and satisfy a woman, that's why.”
“I wanted to be a soldier, but there was a 23 hour waiting period and I didn't have time.”
“If you kill one man, it is a tragedy. If you kill one million, you get a medal”
“Buffalo Soldier, fighting for survival...”
“No its Bison.”
“why the fuck did he stab me in my rib?”
“And he used his fight money to buy 2 of every single animal. Then he loaded them all on to his boat, and then he beat the crap out of every single one of 'em.”
Soldier is a term used to describe an person armed and trained and who is a paid member of an army and does not suffer from cowardice. The term "soldier" does not, however, apply to armed and trained army members from non-democratic governments, who are instead known as terrorists. The one exception to this rule is that if the country is allied with the US, they are staunch supporters of democracy or freedom fighters (people who fight freedom).
edit Development of the soldier... NOT
Because only a complete idiot would come up with the idea of war, Benitio Bauer was a prime candidate for the first Commissioned Officer. However, his family had a long and proud history of excessive violence, and Benitio did not consider himself enough of an incompetent coward. Therefore, the first officer was a politician, and Benito became the first Non-commissioned officer. The first soldiers were individualistic and creative minds, but it was decided that they would do better in "Military Intelligence" (see: Charlie Foxtrot), and so instead a mix of under-achievers, farm hands, convicted felons and college football players were conscripted, also known as "Compulsory National Service" (see: oxymoron). Benito armed these men with the best weapons available, gave them the best training possible, brainwashed them into being completely loyal servants of their "Democracy", and gave them a uniform that allowed them to blend into their surroundings, much like Ninja's without the high cost in Fried Rice. Unfortunately, these soldiers proved to be consummately professional and not suited to the moral ambiguity of a wartime environment, and they were sent to Australia as punishment. Benito then took all the most mentally disturbed, fit men left in Rome and founded the "Ulterius Absolutus Exercitus" or US Army (Translates to "Ultra-unqualified army). In order to avoid these men becoming consummate professionals like the Australians, Benito placed far more emphasis on the indoctrination, propogranda, brainwashing and dehumanizing aspects of the training program as opposed to development essential military skills, such as the ability to distinguish between friend and foe. Using these soldiers and his new army, Benito conquered a mostly peaceful world and established the Galactic Empire under Emperor Bush, of which he remains the hero until this day.
edit Soldier's Oath of Service
I pledge an oath to become a soldier of the United States of (insert nation of choice here) and do solemnly swear allegiance to dismantle and un-decmoratize the Constitution of (insert nation of choice here), as by established law of White Christian Republicans, no matter how totalitarian, oppressive, or republican, and that I will unthinkingly serve to the holy and divine Emperor of the United States of (insert nation of choice here), his successors by religion, in virtue of my citizenship of the glorious Ameri-(insert nation of choice here) and to use my superior technology and training to force the ideology of my religiously and racially superior country on those that do not want it, to uphold the sole duty of my nation to control the world's oil supplies, and to refrain from raping and plundering those who are confirmed allies of the United States of (insert nations of choice here).
edit Soldiers according to country
Australia departs from established soldier protocol in that they are generally quite good at soldiering. Any situation that would normally result in death/retreat/rape and plunder usually results in the Australian soldiers securing the area, apprehending the guy with the beard, rescuing the fair maiden, and falling back in good order to a well-earned Barbie and a VB. Because of this gross diversion from what is considered acceptable behavior for a soldier, the Australian Army is quite small and doesn't get much work. But it doesn't stop them from getting drunk and bragging about how they got shot by some Turks once. An Australian soldier is easily spotted because he looks like he knows what he is doing and is usually surrounded by American soldiers.
- Australian battlecry: "Don't chuck a wobbly mates, if they're chockers with bullets they'll cark it fair dinkum"
edit Great Britain
While Great Britain has some concept of professionalism, they do not divert as strongly as the Australians from what is considered acceptable. However, for a British soldier it is not polite to shoot a man in the face or take a dump in a military latrine, so they either enlist the aid of an American or Australian soldier to face-shoot somebody who has surrendered (depending on whether or not they want it on You-Tube)and fly back to Britain to take a dump in a royalty-approved toilet and spend some time playing the national sport "shoot the unarmed native". A British soldier can be easily spotted due to their upper-class arrogant expression, the Union Jack spray painted onto their gun, and the crumpet they have strapped under their helmet in case they are able to appropriate a cup of tea from a conquered foe.
- British battlecry: "Oh dear, I don't find this situation completely agreeable", "For King and Country!!", "Stop shooting me you god-damned yankie!" "God save me!!"
America is the world's foremost conventional army, and have elevated missing their intended targets, collateral damage and friendly fire to an art form. For this reason they are held in high regard by the United Nations, Europe, the Middle East and North Vietnam(Which was a draw you communist bastard!!). An American soldier needs two litres of oil a day to operate at full capacity, and their global deployment zones reflect this. American soldiers have an uncanny knack to see a terrorist in everything, and if you don't want bullets raining down on you you should never play a game of cloud-spotting with them. An American soldier is easily spotted because he is shooting at invisible demons and everyone with a Union Jack or beard. British Jews avoid them like the plague. Fortunately for the Americans, the US Marine Corps is around to correct screwups. The Corps has been around since Chuck Norris decided it would be cool to kick the shit out of England. Marines do not bleed blood; in fact they bleed WHOOP-ASS which motivates their fellow Marines. This is why Marines don't lose. Ever. Marines are distinguished from soldiers by their pimp fucking Marpat cammies, totally ninja LAVs, and being good shots. And no, they do not use N00btubes
- American battlecry: "Confirm airstrike killbox Foxtrot Hotel Golf Bravo!!", "Bix Nood", "If we don't kill them, the terrorists win!!", "Shit, I missed!!" "BOOM!! HEADSHOT!!" "My God has a bigger dick than your God!!" "Bush wills it!!" "For the Holy Bush!!" Friendly fire!!"
Although part of American, Texas is a whole 'nother country, so they obviously would have their own soldiers. They have raised some of the worlds finest Texas rangers, including the great Chuck Norris. Texan militias are damn good shots, and even better when they aren't drinking. Texans swear loyalty to the Great W and support the war on Terror with all of their fighting age citizens.
- Texan battlecry: "Boom, Yer Dead", "Shot yer cock off!", "Giddy Up, <insert name here>" "I got a nigger!!"
I was Air force-Chuck norris on real life.
France is well known for its low casualty count throughout its history due to their ability to surrender an army intact, usually before the outbreak of hostilities. In fact, the majority of French casualties are suffered in their wild rush to vacate the battlefield as soon as somebody fires a weapon, or in the case of World War 1 and 2, puts on a German accent. French soldiers are easily spotted due to their nation's distinctive flag, which is completely white and traditionally tied to a stick which they are waving around the air. Their sense of national pride is beyond reproach.
- French battlecry: "We have been le conquered", "Écouter", "If only I was born le British", "We surrender!"
The Russian army is not a conventional army in that it is used to fight wars, but is rather a way for the government to dispose of the massive amounts of disgruntled workers, laborers and drunks that make up the Proletariat. Russia has their own version of conscription, "Compulsory National Suicide", in which the Red Army launch wave after wave of attacks without weapons until the enemy run out of ammo and are butchered by the "real" army. In theory. Russia is the complete opposite of France in that Russians never retreat and have a tendency to die to the last man, which Josef Stalin will have one way or another. A Russian soldier is easy to identify. He is dead, buried under thousands of his equally decreased brethren.
Russian battlecry: "Ugh", "AHHH MOTHERLA-", "God help me!", "URAA- ow, my spleen!", "Arrrrrrrrgh" "*Gurgle gurgle gurgle...*"
A German soldier will kill you, and then make your legs into bratwurst. That's how awesome they are. Descendants of Ninjas, Pirates, and Chuck Norris, they are often invisible and incapable of death. The German Army (or Wehrmacht) is voluntary, meaning everyone joins during their life. Often commanded by such figures as Erwin Rommel, Rommel McDonald, Rommel Reagan, or maybe possibly Heinz Guderian (haha, like the ketchup. Heinz. lol) The easiest way to know a German soldier is around is by the bullet entering your head. The only way to not get killed by a German soldier is to lure him towards you with a plate of sauerkraut. Then rewarding him with a bratwurst and then taking his gun, shoot him in the head, fill the hole with garlic and smashing a stake through the place where his heart should be. Also very camp. Yes camp.
German battlecry: "Do I smell sauerkraut?" "For ze Fatherland!" "Heil Hitler!"
In stark contrast to most other armies, Japanese soldiers will often fore-go the use of firearms and seek a more honourable kill in battle with their deadly katanas (samurai swords to you racist white fucks). This kind of psychotic behaviour is testament to the fervor, resolution and lack of education/meaning to life of the Japanese army, and is the primary reason for their occasional victories, as the enemy soldiers (most probably the French) are fleeing in terror at the mere sight of them. However, when defeat becomes inevitable, which happens often (due to the invention of machine guns and the atomic bomb), they seek forgiveness for their failure from their equally incompetent officers by cutting the stomachs open, while the Officers wait until the troops are all dead and then run away. Japanese Soldiers see death in battle as preferable to life in Japan, hence their dedication to suicidal tactics.
- Japanese Battlecry: "Banzai!", "Hiaaaa!", "Kiaaaa!, "RIKE RIONS WE ROAR"
In every war China ever fought, usually it must involve some infighting between the warlords. A Chinese soldier would be too busy to kill another Chinese before they realised that their nation had been conquered by tiny nations. To rectify this and defend the motherland, the Chinese military leaders would order their soldier to kill more Chinese soldiers. Even when China finally unified as one (when all the warlords run out of money or killed off), a causalty rate of 100.000 after a single battle is considered a low number and seen as a successful attack against the Imperialist invaders and a glory and wisdom of the great Mao. Military leaders who served the motherland well would later on be honorable rewarded with torture and beating to death by the Red Guards.
Command and Conquer Generals and Command and Conquer Generals Zero Hour is the perfect example for a modern day Chinese army. The Tigress will crush all the neighbouring countries like an insect, since she owns all the armies around the world. (Hey, all equipment are made in China, okay?)
One of the best superweapons of China is hacking. Well, no shit, it is what it is today. Even the most sophisticated computer in Japan gets hacked by China somehow.
- Chinese battlecry: "Kill the Chinese-looking invaders!", "I am the right man to kill the Imperalist invaders, but I need to kill you first, my dear Chinese brother." "We will shoot them down!" "We stand together!" "The People's Army!" "For the Republic" "Nobody will notice that their money is missing!"
edit The Philippine Empire
Their soldiers and equipment are many and they deploy them in very large number. They use the Blitzkrieg and spamming your Facebooktactics in their battles, especially during the world wars 3.5 to 4.5.
edit Duties of the Soldier
- Telling jokes about officers and how cowardly and stupid they are.
- Telling jokes about soldiers from France and how cowardly and stupid they are.
- Resisting the urge to punch newly commissioned officers whenever they open their prissy, high born, beautifully curved and well maintained mouth.
- Bitching about war.
- Bitching about peace.
- If they are American, killing each other.
- If they are American, taking all the oil.
- If they are American, saying 'yehahhhh'
- If they are American, getting pwned by Germans
- Defending those that cannot fend for themselves, such as rich American millionaires.
- Firing indiscriminately at those that can fend for themselves regardless of nationality.
- If nobody that can fend for themselves can be found, firing indiscriminately at those that cannot fend for themselves in regardless of nationality, such as poor Muslims in the Middle East.
- Thanking God they are not French.
- If they are French, thanking god they are not at war.
- If they are French and at war, surrendering.
- If they're not German, wishing they were.
- If they are German, overextending their supply lines.
- Furthering the political agenda of their respective country, United States of (insert nation here).
- If their country is too much of a pussy to have a political agenda, furthering the political agenda of the country of which the former country bends over backwards to accommodate.
- Cleaning their weapons in the proper fashion: with the safety off and the weapon pointing toward the left eye socket, and one finger on the trigger in case something goes wrong.
- Obeying George Bush when he says: "It's time to bomb Iraq again!"
- Learning everything there is to know about Sean Connery, "Dirty" Harry, and Harrison Ford.
- If Asian, being slaughtered in massive human wave attacks.
- If BADASS, learning to never take cover, always shoot from the hip, and single-handedly kill tanks using only rocks.
- ↑ Drinking, not drunk. Texans don't have the ability to get drunk due to natural selective inbreeding.
2.Sauerkraut is Polish, not German