South Carolina Highway Patrol
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
State Police HQ in Columbia
The South Carolina Highway Patrol is the highway patrol agency for South Carolina. Founded in 1930 by Sultan of South Carolina, John Gardiner Richards the agency was originally intended to collect large sums of money from the people of South Carolina and send them to prison in order to maintain "safety" because he was picked on in high school. Being a paramilitary organization founded in Charleston, it was initially targeted at the rich (Native Americans) and residents of Gay Parish where it could "deal with" with the violence of South Carolina's Gay Hysteria era.
Currently, the responsibilities of the Highway Patrol are mainly to enforce Her Majesty's traffic and maritime laws which are actually in place to keep the people and environment safe. The agency is also responsible for providing the facility and vehicles for Her Majesty's Secret Police.
Throughout the early days of the Kingdom of South Carolina as wealth was rising at an astonishing rate, the Richards of Rock Hill were constantly a target of ridicule in their hometown due to their household's "poverty" (they made a measly $103,029 all year in 1880). On Saturday September 11, 1880, little Johnny Gardiner Richards was turning 16 and his parents were finally going to let him ride to school next week. They had spent their life savings to get him a white Arabian Stallion of racing pedigree for his birthday. That weekend he raced his horse through the woods all the way over the North Carolina border to Charlotte. While in Charlotte the residents were in awe of his magnificent steed and the majestic man that rode it. Johnny lost his virginity and had sex with 10 more girls that weekend while getting the addresses of more 40 girls in Charlotte to hookup with later. The next Monday, Johnny was so excited to show off his new horse at school, but when he arrived at the Northwestern High School stables there was a crowd gathered around something. It was Johnny's archenemy a Santee Native American by the name of Cannonfire who had gotten all the attention with brand new horseless carriage (the first car). When Cannonfire noticed Johnny's horse he shouted, "Hey!, That's my old horse! Watch this!" He then proceeded to do a ritual dance, the horse responded by throwing Johnny off and walking to Cannonfire and licking his face. The crowd was in an uproar of laughter as Johnny got up and ran home in tears with Cannonfire chasing him on Johnny's own horse yelling "You poor pale face!". This was the worst day of Johnny's life and it would shape part of South Carolina's future.
Fast forward to 1927, John Gardiner Richards still "poor" had assassinated Sultan Mcleod for making fun of him in college. Now that John Gardiner Richards was the Sultan of South Carolina he was now not only a target of ridicule for his peers but now he was a target of ridicule in the South Carolina media. Charleston's Post and Courier Newspaper commonly depicted him as a "poor redneck boy" who was unworthy of ruling the Kingdom (they were right). Sultan John Gardiner Richards was determined to show everyone that he wasn't to be messed with. The Sultan, formed the South Carolina Highway Patrol in 1930 to keep the people of South Carolina "safe" on the roadways. John Gardiner Richards was in complete control of the organization, he used it to harass and steal property from the rich people and businesses in Charleston and from the gays of Myrtle Beach, his three most hated groups.
When John Gardiner Richards was exiled to Charlotte in 1931 by Burnet R. Maybank. The Highway Patrol was no longer controlled by the Sultan, but it still vowed to carry on the legacy of its founder. When they came under fire for discrimination, they simply began to steal property and harass the general populous on the roadways to show that they weren't discriminating. Leaders in the Highway Patrol were able to convince the Sultans of South Carolina that this behavior was a way of keeping checks and balances on the people of South Carolina, so it was allowed continue until the millennium. A major blow to the way the Highway Patrol did business came in 1997, when Sultan David Beasley removed the speed limit on all four lane divided highways because he lost the love of his life to a dyke living in Myrtle Beach. This happened when he was thrown into Gay Parish Jail for 10 days for doing 140 over the speed limit. Now unable to catch "reckless" drivers, the Highway Patrol resorted to intercepting legal shipments of recreational pharmaceuticals in order to sell them on the black market. When this wasn't profitable enough they resorted to other means. On January 28, 2000 South Carolina Highway Patrol raided the Medical University of South Carolina killing 90 students while attempting to steal MUSC's recreational pharmaceutical research and development and kidnap their scientists in order to start their own lab. The raid was stopped when City of Charleston Police disabled the Highway Patrol's equipment with an electromagnetic pulse weapon. After this incident, Sultan Mark Sanford dismantled South Carolina Highway Patrol for 5 years to completely reorganize it. They would no longer be allowed to harass people and industry in South Carolina.
edit The New Highway Patrol
The objective of the South Carolina Highway Patrol is now mainly to patrol the Queen's freeways enforcing the minimum speed limit, ticketing tailgaters, and charging slow drivers in the left-lane. They perform these patrols in highly modified unmarked black (silver for units based in Gay Parish) Mercedes-Benz vehicles ordered by the Queen from Brabus. Many of these police vehicles are capable of over 200 mph. In an official statement, The Queen said that,"...speed is no longer considered reckless and the real reckless drivers must be dealt with in order to keep South Carolina's freeways safe." Also, to better enforce actually reckless driving, the minimum speed, and slow drivers in the fast lane, the Queen has ordered a fleet of 14 Boeing 737 JSTARS radar reconnaissance aircraft. These aircraft are capable of accurately monitoring speed, direction, position, quantity, temperature, size and shape of all vehicles on the road at the same. When the JSTARS radar detects a violation, that information is sent down to a patrolman sitting in his Mercedes at the doughnut shop who must now stop eating his doughnut and respond to a traffic violation.
|Photo||Vehicle|| Amount |
| Top |
|Brabus EV12||112||255 mph||SCHP's primary Interceptor vehicle only seen on the Interstates.|
|Brabus E63 Wagon||45||217 mph||K9 Unit, Coroner Transport, Crime Scene Investigator|
|Brabus E63 Sedan||84||217 mph||General traffic enforcement|
|Brabus Bullit||54||230 mph||Seen at various tourist attractions throughout the state, General traffic enforcement|
|Brabus Rocket||73||240 mph||Secondary Interceptor vehicle|
|Brabus S63||40||199 mph||Transport Police, Her majesty's security detail, VIP Transport, Can be seen at every weigh station in South Carolina.|
|BMW S1000RR||199||205 mph||Urban traffic enforcement, motorcycle enforcement, The Secret Police's preferred mode of ground transport.|
|Brabus SLS||2||221 mph||Head Police officer's car|
|Brabus G63 6x6||40||100 mph||Park Ranger, Ski Patrol, Beach Patrol, Game Warden, Off-Road traffic enforcement.|
|Any car belonging |
to an insurance agent
|n/a||n/a||SCHP will sometimes steal insurance agent's cars in order to enforce insurance fraud.|
edit Other Vehicles
edit Also See
Spending the public's money — Just in case
|Firefighter • Paramedic • Police (Fuck them!) • Traffic Wardens|