Ryanair

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Friendly Ryanair airline crews are regarded as professional and safe by the industry.

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Ryanair is a, high quality yet low-cost, (until "government" taxes, airport fees and charges and crew wages, navigation supplements, aircraft maintenance costs. management bonuses and shareholders annual dividend fees are added) airline from Oireland, which operates throughout Europe. It is named after its founder, Michael O'Krapp, who set up the airline after the family's main business (Piracy) was no longer profitable.

Destinations

Where at all possible, Ryanair does not use major airports; instead they use remote minor airports, often a long way from the intended destination to save money e.g. the Madrid destination is actually located in Shannon. Failing that, they simply land wherever there is space. For instance, Ryanair recently started to serve Paris "Chesterfield", England, by using the town's bus station as a departure lounge, with the adjacent Markham Road being used as a runway. Ryanair claims to have invested heavily in such 'airports' by adding safety features such as loudspeakers playing Irish folk music to warn of approaching aircraft. Ryanair's slogan is "We will always land you safely, in the middle of the ocean"

Below is a list of destinations (and their respective airports) that are served by Ryanair:

  • Dublin: Dublin Michael O Leary Helicopter base
  • Birmingham: Jasper F. Carrott International
  • Portadown:Service operates out of the town only - no one wants to enter it.
  • Cork: Field in Clonakilty
  • Chesterfield: Bus Station on New Beetwell Street
  • Liverpool: Alexi Sayle's garden, unless he's mowing it
  • Paris: Montreal Sexport
  • Barcelona: Morocco
  • Chicagooo : into the local Walmart store
  • Madrid: the Atlantic Ocean
  • Rome: Berlin-Schönefeld International Airport
  • Dubrovnik: A field beside the A1 Highway
  • London: Ryanairs main base for the UK Capital has recently relocated from the Heathrow's new Terminal 5 to London's Piccadilly Circus
  • Glasgow: Glasgow-John o' Groats Airport
  • Alicante: Benidorm Chav International Airport
  • Iraq: inside the 9-Eleven store next to the airport
  • Newcastle: Newcastle JORDIE International Shipping Port
  • Palma De Mallorca: Palma Chavland International Chavport.
  • New York: into the 56th floor of your office.
  • Frankfurt: Well, if the fucking airport wasn't 125KM Away From the Actual City.
  • Tokyo : Jon Brower Fatport
  • Vienna: I suppose if your willing to cross a border to get to the place where you wanted to end up

Financial

Contrary to recent media reports Ryanair does NOT intend to start charging customers for using the toilet during flights. This decision was reached after it was discovered that the practice of taking a mid-flight dump marginally reduces the load which the plane has to carry and therefore saves fuel plus the plans for the outside "economy" toilets were unworkable.

The company have yet to confirm or deny reports that it intends to start charging extra for carrying fat people.

Nothing, besides the above mentioned, is free on a Ryanair flight. [1]

  • Seatbelt: €5
  • Seatbelt release flap: €7
  • Looking at the safety pamphlet: €3
  • Looking at the safety pamphlet and putting it back quickly: €4
  • Oxygen mask drop: free of change
  • To start the flow of oxygen: €75
  • For extra minute of oxygen: €5.59
  • To have the pilot land the plane will cost €75
  • Existing: €200,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 per nanosecond
  • Being sick: €10
  • Being sick into a sick bag: €15
  • Dying: €34
  • Using the stairs: €39
  • Using electronics: €45
Plane

In the event of explosive decompression, oxygen masks will drop from the compartment above. To start the flow of oxygen, there is a charge of €75

Slogans

Ryanair has spent €1,000,000,000 on the following pathetic slogans:

  • "Your tomb in the sky"
  • "Bad people to fly with"
  • "The Official Airline of the cemetery
  • "To Fly. To Kill."
  • "FR is for 'Fu**ing' Retards"
  • "Rough as Rocks"
  • "Dream Downward"
  • "Fly The (Very) Bad Times"
  • "Our sign is a big lie"
  • "Fags Fly Free" (the first airline to let fags fly free)
  • "Ryanair makes the going terrible"
  • "A Whole Different Hijacker"
  • "Our passengers get the worst of everything"
  • "You'll hate the way we fly


Safety

Ryanair is infamous for its lax attitude towards the safety of its passengers. The Irish Aviation Authority recently made several complaints about Ryanair's safety record:

  • Instead of seat belts, passengers are provided with a piece of Sellotape. However, not only is the Sellotape provided only 5cm long, but most pieces of Sellotape have lost their stickiness due to overuse. If passengers want more Sellotape, Ryanair will charge them six euros for another ten centimeters.
  • Only one emergency exit is provided for an entire plane: this is located on the roof, with no access from the cabin; therefore, in the event of an accident, it is impossible to exit the plane, and everyone inside is doomed.
  • Although the cabin is designed to be pressurized, owing to poor maintenance, the doors don't always close properly, therefore as soon as a plane takes off, it can experience rapid depressurization. Only 1 in 13,455 people survive Ryanair flights.
  • The moist sandwiches include a preservative, which, if at a high altitude can start fires, or even explode.
  • Passengers now must stand for a 12 hours flight, and pay to crap.
  • Overweight people are charged, because they can tip the plane while they're standing.
  • When other airlines are involved in a fatal crash, Ryanair will gladly take the corpses off their hands and turn them into in-flight meals.
  • Ryanair was responsible for 9/11, according to former Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura.

Flight Operations

Ryanair is the first airline ever to operate a plane without any engines or fuel. This is achieved by making all the passengers alight the aircraft and push the aircraft down the runway(if available). Passengers are also required to lean sideways in order to turn the aircraft.

Criticism

Many of Ryanair's critics complain that Ryanair doesn't serve meals on its Dublin-somewhere 50 miles from London service. The fact that the Dublin Bus 41 route has a longer journey time and doesn't serve meals either is entirely besides the point since most intending passengers have already starved to death (aka "Cargo") while waiting for the bus to show up.

Corporate

Ryanair is currently owned by Michael O Leary aka "our lord and saviour" to Ireland's more right wing journalists -most of whom wouldn't be seen dead (aka "cargo") on a Ryanair flight.

Competition with easyJet

EasyJet (formerly Stingyjet, aka ChavJet), who is also a low-budget airline, competes closely with Ryanair. Hello Kitty who is the former owner of easyJet has repeatedly attacked Ryanair, with her viscous paws. In fact, until Stellios took over easyJet, Hello Kitty destroyed 47 Boeing 737s, killed 83 passengers and 32 Ryanair staff. Due to this unacceptable behaviour, easyJet performs much better than Ryanair and has a monopoly to a greater extent than Microsoft.

See also

  1. All this was stolen from a MAD TV skit. Watch it at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2sNo63PXc_Q.

References

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