Ryan Tubridy

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Ryan Tubridy is an Irish television presenter and general wit of the genus Montrosus usually found when any Irish tv, radio or house wife is turned on. Affectionately known as the 'Streak of Misery', Ryan is an accomplished (s)talker, winker and nudger and has even won the coveted Rose of Tralee on numerous occasions. After he split with his wife, Tubridy had sex with fellow RTE presenter Miriam O'Callaghan.

[edit] Early strife

A child prodigy, Ryan was able to read and be seen on TV from the age of 12 and under the guidance and tutelage of wise old man Gay Byrne was able to hone his skills. Indeed Ryan is believed to be the only person that learned the secret of the smirk, wise old man Gay Byrne's greatest weapon against not having a shite in notion what someone's talking about. Despite having the voicebox for radio Ryan was soon working his way around RTE looking for the opportunity to be talking, listened to and looked at simultaneously and eventually got his own chat show, Tubridy Tonight, which is an hour long infomercial for books, cds and cosmetic surgery.

[edit] Current Affairs

Along with his success at the Rose of Tralee, Mr. Tubridy is famous for his gritty and explosive interviews with guests including Kerry Katona, Dolores from Fair City and the guy who wrote the book about the thing. A key feature of his show involves Ryan stealing the seat off one of the lightly sozzled audience members and attempting to ply the person beside him with Galtee rasher hampers or weekend breaks for two in Ballinaslop. His in house band with the hilariously funny amusing name of the Cheddar Quartet even though there's five of them really not four because quartet means four but there's five of them are famous in their own right for being in a band and being good at playing instruments as well. His only competition for the love of the Irish is Pat Kenny, from the same genus but different species. Every weekend Ryan and Pat take part in a wrestling match to see who the Irish love more. Pat is a stiff opponent but popular Ryan's popularity among the Irish population cannot be under or overestimated thanks to ratings.

[edit] The Late Late Show

Late Late Show host Tubridy (left) and Taoiseach Brian Cowen on September 4th 2009, shortly before the molestation of the Taoiseach.

In 2008, Pat Kenny's ego announced that Pat Kenny was stepping down as host of long-running TV farce the Late Late Show when the current run ended in 2009. However, as he wished for a part of him to remain in the hot seat, he accordingly gave birth to Tubridy's nose through parthenogenesis and unanimously installed Tubridy as the new host of the Late Late Show. Tubridy, wishing to increase the 99.4% Tubridyness of the position of Late Late Show host (with the remaining 0.6% consisting of Kennyness and concentrated entirely in the nose), promptly adopted the US-style chat show format from his Saturday night show Tubridy Tonight and migrated the Cheddar Quartet from it. Apart from his obviously wooden nose, Tubridy has succeeded in making the Late Late Show nothing like the Pat Kenny version, although some elderly members of the audience have wondered whether Kenny will return and depose the man who is only 3/500 of the man Kenny was.

Tubridy's first Late Late Show was on September 4th 2009, and his first guest was Taoiseach and romantic novelist Brian Cowen. During the course of the interview, in which Cowen used big words such as "fiscal" and "judiciary", Tubridy proceeded to move ever closer to him before ripping Cowen's shirt open and molesting his ample chest. Tubridy then proceeded to wrestle the Taoiseach to the ground before RTE swiftly cut to a commercial break, followed by a re-run of cult children's TV crime drama Bosco. About 35 minutes later, the Late Late Show resumed as though nothing had happened, although Cowen was nowhere to be seen. Tubridy later dismissed the whole event, saying: "I don't know what came over me... That man has a way with words and I just couldn't help myself. The tipping point was when he said 'transubstantiation'. That was that for me." Cowen himself said about the interview: "He gave me a right going over, as every decent interviewer should. I'm happy to say that I was thoroughly satisfied with his performance." Tubridy was charged with Taoiseach molestation under the 1924 Molestation (Taoiseach) Act, but the case was dramatically thrown out as Cowen failed to turn up as the star prosecution witness as he was having a pedicure that day in preparation for his official tryst with the King of Finland, Paavo IV.

[edit] Trivia

• shaved his head to act as stand in for Patrick Stewart in Star Trek because the back of his head was better looking.
• was a conscientious objector during the attempts to increase his salary on the grounds of not being able to live on 3 mil a week.
• doesn't own a TV as the only thing he'd be bothered watching on tv is himself and his show is broadcast live.
• feared he'd lose his chat show because his ego wasn't big enough or at least not as big as Pat Kenny's.
• invented a new colour but pat Kenny proved it was really a type of sandwich filler using the awesome power of his degree of physics. Ryan was devastated.
• attempted to synthesize a personality but couldn't get pat out of the RTE lab where he was cloning Gay Byrnes knees.
• has no arse.
• allergic to Anne Doyle.
• recovering talkaholic.
• is the son of Patleen Kenny who is the son of Gaybrius Byrne who is the son of Terry Wogan who is the son of Michael Parkinson's disease who is the founding father of encouraging famous people with huge egos to talk about themselves which is about as difficult as getting a pig to sniff shite.
• president of the international society for the advancement of ferret smuggling as an ok thing to do.
• once tried to give himself away in a hamper but was caught by customs on the way to a weekend break in Minsk.
• a few of his favourite things are licking stamps, being recognized on Grafton Street and fidelity.
• has never danced with the devil in the pale moonlight, but HAS been known to creep up to the homes of unsuspecting couples and peer in the top window to watch them "start ridin" at the stroke of 12 o'clock... in the afternoon.
• he wants to go to Mount Splashmore! Take him!-Take him!-Take him!-Take-him-now!
• was often confused with his first class teacher's meter stick, even though by then Tubridy was already 11 feet tall and 19 millimetres wide. He actually more closely resembled the Spire at that point really. Tubridy would return home covered in chalk, from a day of ruling the blackboard, and sometimes blood, from being used to strike his naughty classmates on the knuckles or maybe the bridge of their nose.
• has the utmost respect for Jan Koller.
• lived for 10 months on the burial site of an ancient, murky being known as Jeremy Kyle.
• has an unusual habit of refusing to allow lift doors to close fully; as a result, Tubridy can often be seen standing patiently in an open, motionless lift with his long narrow foot (measuring 34 yards) wedging the door open. A common RT quip at such times is, "Jayzers, it's a long aul' slog to the top floor, to be sure.
• lifelong ambition is to record a cover of 'Ain't Misbehavin' as long as it is a duet with his favourite jazz singer, Martin McGuinness. "He sings like a freed hunger striker," said our man.