Russo-Japanese War

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“Is that a real war?”
~ Historians on the Russo-Japanese War
“So who won the war, Russia right. Japan? Those yellow heathens? Oh this cannot be.”
~ the magnificent Theodore Roosevelt on the Russo-Japanese War
“He habba such a big steek.”
~ Japanese on the brilliant Theodore Roosevelt
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Russo-Japanese War.
Russo Japanese War

An illustration of the land the Japanese conquered in this war

This particular war is ignored by many historians. Why? Because the Man didn't win it that's why. The only reason anyone even remembers it is because Teddy Roosevelt nobly signed some sort of treaty in it, and Teddy Roosevelt kicks so much ass that I can't fit it on a single page. That is how much ass Roosevelt kicks. He even made a clone of himself and cristened it Franklin Alpha Omega 12.

In a nutshell the war was fought between the poor, ill-equiped Russians and the hyper-advanced biomachine mutant Japanese. At the end of this struggle, the Japanese emerged victorious[1].

Course of the War

In 1904 Japan and Russia became very interested in extending their empires. Russia was very large and begining to shrink. In contrast Japan was quite very small but quickly growing. Both sides sought to take over China, a very weak nation at this time, being that Wal-Mart had not yet been invented.

Japanese Military Stength

JBRb&w

A small Japanese robot regiment circa 1905.

A major factor that influenced the war was the Japanese battle robots. Japan is a mirror universe that is 20 to 40 years ahead into the future. Righteous American nuclear wrath created this hiccup in the space time continuum.

Unlike today's battle robots that are powered by strange extraterrestrial creatures, primitive early twentieth century models were coal powered. This fuel supply led to more casualties at the hands of malfunctions rather than the Russian military[2]. Their targeting computers were primitive being that the computer had not yet been perfected by Jobs, Wozniak, and Gates. Still, the Japanese robot legions were a force to be reckoned with.

Also the Japanese Hammer of Dawn system was not yet functional, their standard infantry soldier had to rely on primitive laser rifles. This wasn't a problem as Russians used bullets during this time and still do today [3].

In addition to their superior armaments the Japanese also had Godzilla, who was valliantly defeated by Teddy Roosevelt in a one on one duel in Manchuria, it was titanic and awesome and you suck because you missed it.

Russia's Failure

RussiaArmy1904

The Russian army fleeing in terror gloriously charging into battle.

Russia had been on the decline since the industrial revolution. The Soviet government's facade of a monarch, leader Nicholas II, well known in the historicalllllllllll community as the "retarded czar", was doing a wonderful job of screwing everything up. The fact that Russia had the largest population of any country in the world was annuled by their lack of modernized weaponry. However, Lenin was benevolent to Nicholas, and like most Russians he was a drinker, and this added to his callous disregard for human life. A Russian soldier's arms consisted of a flintlock gun, a pistol or more commonly a slingshot, a pointed stick[4], and a bottle of vodka to prevent him from realizing these things were all useless.

The Russian strategy maintained a steady attack by figuratively throwing soldiers at the Japanese and when the soldiers were killed, literally throwing them. Not surprisingly, this strategy was ineffective.

Battles of the Russo-Japanese War

Battle of Port Arthur

This being the only battle that actually mattered, Japan opened up with an aerial strike from an elite division of level 100 Charizards, raining pixelated hellfire down upon the Russians, exemplifying their use of Pokémon in warfare. Russia's drunken peasant defensive forces [5] were caught totally off guard by this attack of 2-dimensional creatures and were decimated by a surprise attack of Blastoise [6] submarines.

Greater care should be taken in examining Japan's Pokémon warfare strategery in this battle, paving the way for many other wars in the future through their genius battle plans and innovation. However, this shall not be the case, as not even the most boring historian has taken the time to research this far into this pointless war.

Battle of Yalu River

With their use of animated creatures and giant battle robots, Japan was quickly gaining ground in Manchuria. Russian forces were greatly depleted when confronted by the Japanese robots and fictional monsters. Shrewdly they retreated to the mountains to make it difficult for the Japanese robots to pursue them. There they could regroup and charge again when their forces were replenished.

However, there were a few things the Russians had not counted on. The Japs sent in the ninjas. Russian camps were raided by the ninjas and the survivors were slaughtered by a regiment of Dugtrio sent into the mountains by Japan.

This was undoubtedly the bloodiest of all the battles. Russian sergeant Vasily Tolstoy[7] wrote this in his memoir.

Cquote1 I was alone in the mountains. By the grace of God I had not been found by the horrible ninjas. Then I heard it in the distance. The horrible cries coming straight for me. "TRIO TRIO TRIO!!!" I could not bear it. I would surely go insane. Cquote2

—Vasily Tolstoy

Battle of Khabarovsk

The only unsuccessful Japanese attack. An inexperienced regiment with only few battle robots and lower level Pokémon attempted to invade the Russian city of Khabarovsk. Russian military leader Vladimir Popovicovipskievinikyoff's defenses held off the Japanese attack. However this success can mostly be attributed to the inexperienced Japanese soldiers who often killed themselves the very moment the Russians raised their guns.

Big Stick Diplomacy Ends the War

18 teddy roosevelt

Peace talks would have gone much smoother and quicker had Roosevelt not audaciously stuck his head through each draft.

“Speak softly, carry a big stick, and you will go far in the prostitution business.”
~ the enlightened Teddy Roosevelt, his actual, and very insightful quote, which is often misquoted, on prostitution

Roosevelt eventually got sick of the war and decided to shrewdly end it once and for all. At God's command he whipped out his big stick which shocked both the Japanese and the Russians with its enormous size. The Japs had never seen a stick that big before, since everyone knows the Japs have small sticks. The Russians were mystified, such a large stick could have been used as a weapon if they were able to sharpen it to a point. So Teddy spent days whacking the emperors with his robust stick until they agreed to hold hands and play nice with each other.


Noble Piece Prize

For his effort to end the war humanely, Roosevelt was righteously awarded the Noble Piece Prize. It was originally going to be awarded to William McKinley for getting himself shot and ushering in the Progressive Era, but Roosevelt took the liberty of whipping out his own noble piece and bludgeoning the judges until they truly realized his undeniable and remarkable greatness. As a consolation, McKinley was posthumously given a mountain.

Aftermath

This war is over looked by many historians. Mostly because they couldn't give a rat's behind about anything that occurred during this time. Unless of course it had to do with America's gallant leader, Teddy Roosevelt. Many respected historians have denied its existence because they knew absolutely nothing about it barring Roosevelt's mediation. It is a widely accepted fact in the historical community, that no war occurred at all, only a negotiation between Roosevelt, the Russians and the Japanese. If people actually took the time to do some research on this topic they would easily have come to these conclusions.

Japan

Japan felt it had been given the short end of Teddy Roosevelt's majestic stick. They were the clear victor of the war, but Roosevelt's treaty had given Russia back its territory and Japan next to nothing. Clearly America was the greatest obstacle for Japan to create an empire in the Pacific. This bias against Japan obviously came from the fact that Roosevelt was a racist[8][9].

Russia

Russia however was quite content with the treaty, but Lenin and the poor were not pleased with the amount of casualties which had occurred. The war caused the revelation that while Russia was still in the feudal age, the rest of the world was industrialized and could easily obliterate them. Nicholas became useless to Lenin and the Bolsheviks as a facade for the communist government, the masses were becoming eager for communist rule. The Bolsheviks began to form secret plans to take out Nicholas. The czar's fate was sealed.

Roosevelt

When everything was said and done Roosevelt and his staff decided to go out and party. Have some drinks, go to a house of ill-repute, or maybe a lynching

Notes

  1. Obviously
  2. What were the Russians going to do? Shoot them?
  3. Ever since the Industrial Revolution, it is believed that Russia has been, and always will be, stuck 20 years in the past. But no one wants to go past the iron curtain to find out
  4. Or possibly a piece of fresh fruit [1]
  5. many of which did not wake from their drunken stupors until after they died
  6. Level 100 no less
  7. Not to be confused with his more successful brother Leo Tolstoy
  8. This was a constitutional requirement for being president until it was abolished during Lyndon B. Johnson's presidency
  9. That's the REAL reason Lincoln and Kennedy got shot.

See Also

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