Russo-Japanese War

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{{Q|Is that a real war?|Historians|the Russo-Japanese War}}
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[[Image:Russo Japanese War.jpg|thumb|250px|right|The Russo-Japanese War, fought here in Korea and Manchuria.]]
{{Q|So who won the war, Russia right. Japan? Those yellow heathens? Oh this cannot be.|the magnificent [[Theodore Roosevelt]]|the Russo-Japanese War}}
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The '''Russo-Japanese War''', as its name implies, was a conflict fought between the [[Russia|Russian Empire]] and the [[Japan|Empire of Japan]]. As its name ''doesn’t'' imply, most of the fighting took place in [[China|Manchuria]] and on the [[Korea|Korean peninsula]], much to the distaste of the people living there at the time. Hostilities began on February 10th 1904, and lasted until September of 1905, with the budding Japanese Empire emerging victorious. Indeed, Russia’s army of conscripted peasants armed with bolt-action rifles and empty [[vodka]] bottles proved wholly ineffective against Japan’s numerous cyborg ninjas and fleet of [[Neon Genesis Evangelion|giant robots piloted by angsty fourteen-year-olds]], resulting in the Russian forces being completely routed at every single major engagement of the war.
{{Q|He habba such a big steek.|Japanese|the brilliant Theodore Roosevelt}}
 
   
{{wikipedia}}
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Though the Russo-Japanese War is largely forgotten today, its importance should not be overlooked. Japan’s resounding defeat of the Russian Empire led to a power shift in Eastern Asian, resulting in Japan’s ultimate recognition by the world community as an imperial power just as corrupt and oppressive as those of the [[America|West]]. Russia’s tremendous loss of life, material, territory and international prestige, meanwhile, set an important precedent in the way Russia would fight all of its future wars.<ref>Russia, and later the [[Soviet Union]], would follow basically the same general strategy in the First World War and the Winter War with Finland, though it never quite replicated the success it had in the Russo-Japanese War.</ref> Finally, the war’s cessation at the behest of [[American]] [[President]] [[Theodore Roosevelt]] not only gave the [[United States]] the century-long confidence to meddle in other nations’ affairs, but also set the important precedent of [[Barack Obama|an American President being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize despite doing absolutely fucking nothing at all to deserve it]].
[[Image:Russo Japanese War.jpg|thumb|250px|right|An illustration of the land the Japanese conquered in this war]]
 
   
This particular war is ignored by many historians. Why? Because the Man didn't win it that's why. The only reason anyone even remembers it is because [[Teddy Roosevelt]] nobly signed some sort of treaty in it, and Teddy Roosevelt kicks so much ass that I can't fit it on a single page. That is how much ass Roosevelt kicks. He even made a clone of himself and cristened it [[User:GRANDOVERLORDOFTHEHOMEPORT|Franklin Alpha Omega 12]].
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==Origins of the War==
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{{Wikipedia}}
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After the Meiji Restoration in 1868 and the first appearance of [[Godzilla]] in 1871, the Meiji government embarked on an endeavor to assimilate Western ideas, technological advances and customs.<ref>This process of modernization is, of course, accurately portrayed in the documentary ''[[Tom Cruise|The Last Samurai]]''.</ref> In just a few short years, Japan had gone from an isolated, ethnocentric and technologically backward nation to an extremely idiosyncratic vestigially-ethnocentric technological powerhouse. By the turn of the century, Japan was the world’s leading producer of bellows [[Lens flare|tripod photocameras]], built the finest jalopies in the world, and was fascinating export markets with innovative new products like the [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Walkman Stroll-o-phone].
   
In a nutshell the war was fought between the poor, ill-equiped [[Russians]] and the hyper-advanced biomachine mutant [[Japanese]]. At the end of this struggle, the Japanese emerged victorious<ref>Obviously</ref>.
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Russia, meanwhile, was a country still very much in chaos after the progressive Tsar Alexander II abolished serfdom in 1861. Despite this and the introduction of other destabilizing factors like basic machinery and already-centuries-old [[Enlightenment]] ideals, the Russian Empire was still very much a force to be reckoned with. Like today, Russia commanded by far the largest land mass of any country.<ref>A mere 50% of it being nigh-uninhabitable arctic tundra.</ref> What’s more, the Russian Empire’s vast agricultural and industrial potential meant it could easily outpace other nations in terms of both ignorant backwoods peasants and crushing urban malaise.<ref>Indeed, Russia would remain the world leader in human misery until 1954.</ref>
   
== Course of the War ==
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At the beginning of the 20th century, both the [[Russia|Russian Empire]] and the [[Japan|Empire of Japan]] had their sights set on expanding their influence into Manchuria and the Korean peninsula. For an in-depth discussion on the socio-economic factors and political machinations that led to this mutual desire in both nations, see [[Nobody cares|here]].
   
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==The War==
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[[Image:JBRb&w.jpg|thumb|left|200px|A small Japanese robot regiment, circa 1905.]]
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===Declaration of War and the Assault on Port Arthur: Japan Gains the Upper Hand===
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On the night of 8 February 1904, the Imperial Japanese Navy opened the war with a surprise battle mech attack on the Russian ships at Port Arthur, a solid three hours before any official declaration of war had been made.<ref>This dastardly surprise attack by the Japanese was later adapted for the screen as a film named ''Pearl Harbor'', which was later panned by critics for, [[Ben Affleck|among other things]], its historical inaccuracy: in the film, the setting is changed to [[Pearl Harbor]], Hawaii; the Russian sailors are changed into American sailors; and the giant fighting robots are changed to WWII-era single-engine prop planes.</ref> A stunned Tsar Nicholas II ordered that the Duma declare war on the Japanese Empire. Eight days later, the Russian Empire reciprocated Japan’s war declaration, demonstrating both the speed of Russia’s strategic decisions and the efficiency of the Duma.
   
In 1904 Japan and Russia became very interested in extending their empires. Russia was very large and begining to shrink. In contrast Japan was quite very small but quickly growing. Both sides sought to take over [[China]], a very weak nation at this time, being that [[Wal-Mart]] had not yet been invented.
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By the time Russia made its official declaration of war, however, Port Arthur had already been effectively neutralized as a serviceable naval port by the Japanese and their aerial mech onslaught, destroying most of the Russian Far East Fleet in the process. Left without any serviceable capital ships in the Pacific theater, the Russian high command decided to send the Baltic Fleet to the Pacific as reinforcements, leading to one of the most exciting actions of the war as the Baltic fleet sailed the 18,000 nautical miles to the [[Pacific]] over the course of 15 months.
   
=== Japanese Military Stength ===
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===The Battle of the Yalu River: Japan Gains Even More of an Upper Hand===
[[Image:JBRb&w.jpg|thumb|right|190px|A small Japanese robot regiment circa 1905.]]
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After annihilating most of the Russian Far East Fleet, the Japanese Empire was left virtually unopposed in the Sea of Japan, allowing them to land major contingents of tengu cyborg ninjas at the [[Korea|Korean]] ports of Inchon and Pusan.<ref>The Koreans resented the landings, but didn’t exactly resist them, characterizing Korean-Japanese relations for the next half-century.</ref>
   
A major factor that influenced the war was the Japanese battle robots. Japan is a mirror universe that is 20 to 40 years ahead into the future. Righteous American nuclear wrath created this hiccup in the space time continuum.
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In contrast to the Japanese strategy of rapidly gaining ground in Korea and Manchuria, Russian strategy was focused on retreating en masse from areas the Japanese were about to advance toward. Upon retreating all the way back to the Yalu river, Russian forces realized they could not retreat any further, as the [[Siberia|Trans-Siberian railroad]] had not yet been completed. Forced into fighting a ground battle, Russian forces held their position across the Yalu River from May 1st up until May 2nd, whereon they were routed thoroughly.
   
Unlike today's battle robots that are powered by [[Pokémon|strange extraterrestrial creatures]], primitive early twentieth century models were coal powered. This fuel supply led to more casualties at the hands of malfunctions rather than the Russian military<ref>What were the Russians going to do? Shoot them?</ref>. Their targeting computers were primitive being that the computer had not yet been perfected by [[Apple|Jobs, Wozniak]], and [[Windows|Gates]]. Still, the Japanese robot legions were a force to be reckoned with.
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===The War Drags on: Japan Maintains Its Upper Hand===
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[[Image:RussiaArmy1904.jpg|thumb|right|300px|The Imperial Russian Army gloriously retreats after the Battle of Mukden.]]
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After the flurry of activity in the war’s opening months, the second half of 1904 was characterized by stalemate—the Russians had retreated as far into southern [[Siberia]] as it was physically possible to, and Japan’s battle mechs were perilously far from their supply bases in Japan. Despite this, however, a handful of notable engagements did take place after the spring of 1904. In the April of that year, two Russian pre-dreadnought battleships under the command of Admiral Makarov managed to break through the Japanese blockade of Port Arthur only to hit mines and sink anyway, making Admiral Makarov the most effective Russian naval commander of the war. In the August of 1904, yet another Russian battle squadron attempted to break the Japanese blockade and head toward Vladivostok—the Japanese, with only a handful of mechs on hand, managed to sink the squadron anyway. In the October of 1904, the Russian Baltic Fleet, still on its way to the Pacific, opened fire on a fleet of English fishing vessels off the coast of Dodger Bank,<ref>Indeed, the Russians managed to sink a handful of unarmed English fishing boats with only minimal damage to themselves, making this the most successful engagement of the war for the Russians.</ref> having mistaken them for Japanese warships, despite the fact they were still roughly 16500 miles from Japan, nearly bringing [[Britain]] into the war on the side of the Japanese.
   
Also the Japanese [[Gears of War#Hammer of Dawn|Hammer of Dawn]] system was not yet functional, their standard infantry soldier had to rely on primitive laser rifles. This wasn't a problem as Russians used bullets during this time and still do today <ref>Ever since the Industrial Revolution, it is believed that Russia has been, and always will be, stuck 20 years in the past. But no one wants to go past the iron curtain to find out</ref>.
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===The Battle of Tsushima: Yeah===
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Eventually, the Russian Baltic Fleet, which was sent to relieve the besieged Port Arthur, reached the Pacific. However, news that Port Arthur had fallen reached the fleet when they were at port in Madagascar after rounding the Cape, severely demoralizing the fleet’s already-highly-demoralized crew. As such, the commanding Admiral Rozhestvensky ordered the fleet to reinforce Vladivostok, the only location of strategic importance in Northeastern Asia not controlled by the Japanese. In order to reach Vladivostok, Rozhestvensky, in all his brilliance, opted to take the route through the Sea of Japan, where his fleet was promptly intercepted by the Japanese as [[Japan]] was only a few miles away.
   
In addition to their superior armaments the Japanese also had [[Godzilla]], who was valliantly defeated by Teddy Roosevelt in a one on one duel in [[Manchuria]], it was titanic and awesome and you suck because you missed it.
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The resulting engagement has become known as the [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Tsushima Battle of Tsushima], named after the Tsushima straits Russian Admiral Rozhestvensky had so boldly sailed into despite being so perilously close to Japan. As it stands, the Battle of Tsushima is naval history’s only decisive battle fought between pre-dreadnought battleships and [[Gundam|40-story tall robots armed with laser cannons]]. It also provides a classic example of the age old naval tactic of “crossing the T,”<ref>Or, to use the Japanese equivalent of the term, “completing the complex Kanji with a calligraphic brush stroke.</ref> as Admiral Togo’s battle mechs “crossed the T,” or “kicked the shit out” of the Russian battle fleet.
   
=== Russia's Failure ===
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==Big Stick Diplomacy Ends the War==
[[Image:RussiaArmy1904.jpg|thumb|right|350px|The Russian army <s>fleeing in terror</s> gloriously charging into battle.]]
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[[Image:18 teddy roosevelt.jpg|150px|thumb|right|Peace talks would have gone much more smoothly had Roosevelt not audaciously stuck his head through each draft of the Treaty of Portsmouth.]]
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The Russo-Japanese War grabbed the interest of American President Theodore Roosevelt, who was in search of something to do in between his notorious fits of trust busting. Roosevelt took it upon himself to mediate peace between the two warring powers, citing the United States’ close geographical proximity to both Russia and Japan as justification. Fittingly, a war between Japan and Russia fought in Korea and Manchuria was ended by a treaty signed in Portsmouth, Massachusetts. Though the Japanese had thoroughly beaten the Russian Empire, they were compensated with only the southern half of Sakhalin and a “sphere of influence” over Korea. Japanese delegates at first protested, but were bullied into compliance by the sheer size of Roosevelt’s stick.
   
Russia had been on the decline since the [[industrial revolution]]. The Soviet government's facade of a monarch, leader [[Nicholas II]], well known in the historical community as the "retarded [[czar]]", was doing a wonderful job of screwing everything up. The fact that Russia had the largest population of any country in the world was annuled by their lack of modernized weaponry. However, [[Lenin]] was benevolent to Nicholas, and like most Russians he was a drinker, and this added to his callous disregard for human life. A Russian soldier's arms consisted of a flintlock gun, a pistol or more commonly a slingshot, a pointed stick<ref>Or possibly a piece of fresh fruit [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=piWCBOsJr-w]</ref>, and a bottle of [[vodka]] to prevent him from realizing these things were all useless.
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For his role in fairly mediating peace between the two warring empires, Theodore Roosevelt was awarded the [[Nobel Peace Prize]] in 1906, making him arguably the most deserving US President to ever have the honor bestowed upon him.
   
The Russian strategy maintained a steady attack by figuratively throwing soldiers at the Japanese and when the soldiers were killed, literally throwing them. Not surprisingly, this strategy was ineffective.
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==Footnotes==
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<small>{{reflist}}</small>
   
== Battles of the Russo-Japanese War ==
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==See Also==
=== Battle of Port Arthur ===
 
This being the only battle that actually mattered, Japan opened up with an aerial strike from an elite division of level 100 Charizards, raining pixelated hellfire down upon the Russians, exemplifying their use of [[Pokémon]] in [[war|warfare]]. Russia's drunken peasant defensive forces <ref>many of which did not wake from their drunken stupors until [[you are dead|after they died]]</ref> were caught totally off guard by this attack of 2-dimensional creatures and were decimated by a surprise attack of Blastoise <ref>Level 100 no less</ref> submarines.
 
 
Greater care should be taken in examining Japan's [[Pokémon]] [[war|warfare]] strategery in this battle, paving the way for many other wars in the future through their genius battle plans and innovation. However, this shall not be the case, as not even the most boring historian has taken the time to research this far into this pointless war.
 
 
=== Battle of Yalu River===
 
 
With their use of animated creatures and giant battle robots, Japan was quickly gaining ground in Manchuria. Russian forces were greatly depleted when confronted by the Japanese robots and fictional monsters. Shrewdly they retreated to the mountains to make it difficult for the Japanese robots to pursue them. There they could regroup and charge again when their forces were replenished.
 
 
However, there were a few things the Russians had not counted on. The Japs sent in the [[ninjas]]. Russian camps were raided by the ninjas and the survivors were slaughtered by a regiment of Dugtrio sent into the mountains by Japan.
 
 
This was undoubtedly the bloodiest of all the battles. Russian sergeant [[Vasily Tolstoy]]<ref>Not to be confused with his more successful brother [[Leo Tolstoy]]</ref> wrote this in his memoir.
 
 
{{Cquote |I was alone in the mountains. By the grace of God I had not been found by the horrible ninjas. Then I heard it in the distance. The horrible cries coming straight for me. "TRIO TRIO TRIO!!!" I could not bear it. I would surely go insane.|30px|30px|Vasily Tolstoy}}
 
 
=== Battle of Khabarovsk ===
 
The only unsuccessful Japanese attack. An inexperienced regiment with only few battle robots and lower level Pokémon attempted to invade the Russian city of Khabarovsk. Russian military leader [[Vladimir Popovicovipskievinikyoff]]'s defenses held off the Japanese attack. However this success can mostly be attributed to the inexperienced Japanese soldiers who often killed themselves the very moment the Russians raised their guns.
 
 
== Big Stick Diplomacy Ends the War ==
 
[[Image:18 teddy roosevelt.jpg|160px|thumb|left|Peace talks would have gone much smoother and quicker had Roosevelt not audaciously stuck his head through each draft.]]
 
{{Q|Speak softly, carry a big stick, and you will go far in the prostitution business.|the enlightened [[Teddy Roosevelt]], his actual, and very insightful quote, which is often misquoted,|prostitution}}
 
Roosevelt eventually got sick of the war and decided to shrewdly end it once and for all. At God's command he whipped out his big stick which shocked both the Japanese and the Russians with its enormous size. The Japs had never seen a stick that big before, since everyone knows the Japs have small sticks. The Russians were mystified, such a large stick could have been used as a weapon if they were able to sharpen it to a point. So Teddy spent days whacking the emperors with his robust stick until they agreed to hold hands and play nice with each other.
 
 
 
=== Noble Piece Prize ===
 
For his effort to end the war [[racism|humanely]], Roosevelt was righteously awarded the [[Nobel Peace Prize|Noble Piece Prize]]. It was originally going to be awarded to [[William McKinley]] for getting himself shot and ushering in the [[Progressive]] Era, but Roosevelt took the liberty of whipping out his own [[penis|noble piece]] and bludgeoning the judges until they truly realized his undeniable and remarkable greatness. As a consolation, McKinley was posthumously given a mountain.
 
 
== Aftermath ==
 
This war is over looked by many historians. Mostly because they couldn't give a rat's behind about anything that occurred during this time. Unless of course it had to do with America's gallant leader, Teddy Roosevelt. Many respected historians have denied its existence because they knew absolutely nothing about it barring Roosevelt's mediation. It is a widely accepted fact in the historical community, that no war occurred at all, only a negotiation between Roosevelt, the Russians and the Japanese. If people actually took the time to do some research on this topic they would easily have come to these conclusions.
 
 
=== Japan ===
 
Japan felt it had been given the short end of Teddy Roosevelt's majestic stick. They were the clear victor of the war, but Roosevelt's treaty had given Russia back its territory and Japan next to nothing. Clearly America was the greatest obstacle for Japan to create an empire in the Pacific. This bias against Japan obviously came from the fact that Roosevelt was a [[racist]]<ref>This was a constitutional requirement for being president until it was abolished during [[Lyndon B. Johnson]]'s presidency</ref><ref>That's the REAL reason [[Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]] and [[John F. Kennedy|Kennedy]] got shot.</ref>.
 
 
=== Russia ===
 
Russia however was quite content with the treaty, but Lenin and the poor were not pleased with the amount of casualties which had occurred. The war caused the revelation that while Russia was still in the feudal age, the rest of the world was industrialized and could easily obliterate them. Nicholas became useless to Lenin and the Bolsheviks as a facade for the communist government, the masses were becoming eager for communist rule. The Bolsheviks began to form secret plans to take out Nicholas. The czar's fate was sealed.
 
 
=== Roosevelt ===
 
When everything was said and done Roosevelt and his staff decided to go out and party. Have some drinks, go to a house of ill-repute, or maybe a lynching
 
 
== Notes ==
 
<small><References /></small>
 
 
== See Also ==
 
 
* [[Russia]]
 
* [[Russia]]
 
 
* [[Japan]]
 
* [[Japan]]
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* [[Korea]]
* [[Teddy Roosevelt]]
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* [[Theodore Roosevelt]]
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* [[World War I]]
 
[[Category:History]] [[category:Wars]]
 

Revision as of 03:27, August 10, 2010

Russo Japanese War

The Russo-Japanese War, fought here in Korea and Manchuria.

The Russo-Japanese War, as its name implies, was a conflict fought between the Russian Empire and the Empire of Japan. As its name doesn’t imply, most of the fighting took place in Manchuria and on the Korean peninsula, much to the distaste of the people living there at the time. Hostilities began on February 10th 1904, and lasted until September of 1905, with the budding Japanese Empire emerging victorious. Indeed, Russia’s army of conscripted peasants armed with bolt-action rifles and empty vodka bottles proved wholly ineffective against Japan’s numerous cyborg ninjas and fleet of giant robots piloted by angsty fourteen-year-olds, resulting in the Russian forces being completely routed at every single major engagement of the war.

Though the Russo-Japanese War is largely forgotten today, its importance should not be overlooked. Japan’s resounding defeat of the Russian Empire led to a power shift in Eastern Asian, resulting in Japan’s ultimate recognition by the world community as an imperial power just as corrupt and oppressive as those of the West. Russia’s tremendous loss of life, material, territory and international prestige, meanwhile, set an important precedent in the way Russia would fight all of its future wars.[1] Finally, the war’s cessation at the behest of American President Theodore Roosevelt not only gave the United States the century-long confidence to meddle in other nations’ affairs, but also set the important precedent of an American President being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize despite doing absolutely fucking nothing at all to deserve it.

Origins of the War

Bouncywikilogo5
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Russo-Japanese War.

After the Meiji Restoration in 1868 and the first appearance of Godzilla in 1871, the Meiji government embarked on an endeavor to assimilate Western ideas, technological advances and customs.[2] In just a few short years, Japan had gone from an isolated, ethnocentric and technologically backward nation to an extremely idiosyncratic vestigially-ethnocentric technological powerhouse. By the turn of the century, Japan was the world’s leading producer of bellows tripod photocameras, built the finest jalopies in the world, and was fascinating export markets with innovative new products like the Stroll-o-phone.

Russia, meanwhile, was a country still very much in chaos after the progressive Tsar Alexander II abolished serfdom in 1861. Despite this and the introduction of other destabilizing factors like basic machinery and already-centuries-old Enlightenment ideals, the Russian Empire was still very much a force to be reckoned with. Like today, Russia commanded by far the largest land mass of any country.[3] What’s more, the Russian Empire’s vast agricultural and industrial potential meant it could easily outpace other nations in terms of both ignorant backwoods peasants and crushing urban malaise.[4]

At the beginning of the 20th century, both the Russian Empire and the Empire of Japan had their sights set on expanding their influence into Manchuria and the Korean peninsula. For an in-depth discussion on the socio-economic factors and political machinations that led to this mutual desire in both nations, see here.

The War

JBRb&w

A small Japanese robot regiment, circa 1905.

Declaration of War and the Assault on Port Arthur: Japan Gains the Upper Hand

On the night of 8 February 1904, the Imperial Japanese Navy opened the war with a surprise battle mech attack on the Russian ships at Port Arthur, a solid three hours before any official declaration of war had been made.[5] A stunned Tsar Nicholas II ordered that the Duma declare war on the Japanese Empire. Eight days later, the Russian Empire reciprocated Japan’s war declaration, demonstrating both the speed of Russia’s strategic decisions and the efficiency of the Duma.

By the time Russia made its official declaration of war, however, Port Arthur had already been effectively neutralized as a serviceable naval port by the Japanese and their aerial mech onslaught, destroying most of the Russian Far East Fleet in the process. Left without any serviceable capital ships in the Pacific theater, the Russian high command decided to send the Baltic Fleet to the Pacific as reinforcements, leading to one of the most exciting actions of the war as the Baltic fleet sailed the 18,000 nautical miles to the Pacific over the course of 15 months.

The Battle of the Yalu River: Japan Gains Even More of an Upper Hand

After annihilating most of the Russian Far East Fleet, the Japanese Empire was left virtually unopposed in the Sea of Japan, allowing them to land major contingents of tengu cyborg ninjas at the Korean ports of Inchon and Pusan.[6]

In contrast to the Japanese strategy of rapidly gaining ground in Korea and Manchuria, Russian strategy was focused on retreating en masse from areas the Japanese were about to advance toward. Upon retreating all the way back to the Yalu river, Russian forces realized they could not retreat any further, as the Trans-Siberian railroad had not yet been completed. Forced into fighting a ground battle, Russian forces held their position across the Yalu River from May 1st up until May 2nd, whereon they were routed thoroughly.

The War Drags on: Japan Maintains Its Upper Hand

RussiaArmy1904

The Imperial Russian Army gloriously retreats after the Battle of Mukden.

After the flurry of activity in the war’s opening months, the second half of 1904 was characterized by stalemate—the Russians had retreated as far into southern Siberia as it was physically possible to, and Japan’s battle mechs were perilously far from their supply bases in Japan. Despite this, however, a handful of notable engagements did take place after the spring of 1904. In the April of that year, two Russian pre-dreadnought battleships under the command of Admiral Makarov managed to break through the Japanese blockade of Port Arthur only to hit mines and sink anyway, making Admiral Makarov the most effective Russian naval commander of the war. In the August of 1904, yet another Russian battle squadron attempted to break the Japanese blockade and head toward Vladivostok—the Japanese, with only a handful of mechs on hand, managed to sink the squadron anyway. In the October of 1904, the Russian Baltic Fleet, still on its way to the Pacific, opened fire on a fleet of English fishing vessels off the coast of Dodger Bank,[7] having mistaken them for Japanese warships, despite the fact they were still roughly 16500 miles from Japan, nearly bringing Britain into the war on the side of the Japanese.

The Battle of Tsushima: Yeah

Eventually, the Russian Baltic Fleet, which was sent to relieve the besieged Port Arthur, reached the Pacific. However, news that Port Arthur had fallen reached the fleet when they were at port in Madagascar after rounding the Cape, severely demoralizing the fleet’s already-highly-demoralized crew. As such, the commanding Admiral Rozhestvensky ordered the fleet to reinforce Vladivostok, the only location of strategic importance in Northeastern Asia not controlled by the Japanese. In order to reach Vladivostok, Rozhestvensky, in all his brilliance, opted to take the route through the Sea of Japan, where his fleet was promptly intercepted by the Japanese as Japan was only a few miles away.

The resulting engagement has become known as the Battle of Tsushima, named after the Tsushima straits Russian Admiral Rozhestvensky had so boldly sailed into despite being so perilously close to Japan. As it stands, the Battle of Tsushima is naval history’s only decisive battle fought between pre-dreadnought battleships and 40-story tall robots armed with laser cannons. It also provides a classic example of the age old naval tactic of “crossing the T,”[8] as Admiral Togo’s battle mechs “crossed the T,” or “kicked the shit out” of the Russian battle fleet.

Big Stick Diplomacy Ends the War

18 teddy roosevelt

Peace talks would have gone much more smoothly had Roosevelt not audaciously stuck his head through each draft of the Treaty of Portsmouth.

The Russo-Japanese War grabbed the interest of American President Theodore Roosevelt, who was in search of something to do in between his notorious fits of trust busting. Roosevelt took it upon himself to mediate peace between the two warring powers, citing the United States’ close geographical proximity to both Russia and Japan as justification. Fittingly, a war between Japan and Russia fought in Korea and Manchuria was ended by a treaty signed in Portsmouth, Massachusetts. Though the Japanese had thoroughly beaten the Russian Empire, they were compensated with only the southern half of Sakhalin and a “sphere of influence” over Korea. Japanese delegates at first protested, but were bullied into compliance by the sheer size of Roosevelt’s stick.

For his role in fairly mediating peace between the two warring empires, Theodore Roosevelt was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 1906, making him arguably the most deserving US President to ever have the honor bestowed upon him.

Footnotes

  1. Russia, and later the Soviet Union, would follow basically the same general strategy in the First World War and the Winter War with Finland, though it never quite replicated the success it had in the Russo-Japanese War.
  2. This process of modernization is, of course, accurately portrayed in the documentary The Last Samurai.
  3. A mere 50% of it being nigh-uninhabitable arctic tundra.
  4. Indeed, Russia would remain the world leader in human misery until 1954.
  5. This dastardly surprise attack by the Japanese was later adapted for the screen as a film named Pearl Harbor, which was later panned by critics for, among other things, its historical inaccuracy: in the film, the setting is changed to Pearl Harbor, Hawaii; the Russian sailors are changed into American sailors; and the giant fighting robots are changed to WWII-era single-engine prop planes.
  6. The Koreans resented the landings, but didn’t exactly resist them, characterizing Korean-Japanese relations for the next half-century.
  7. Indeed, the Russians managed to sink a handful of unarmed English fishing boats with only minimal damage to themselves, making this the most successful engagement of the war for the Russians.
  8. Or, to use the Japanese equivalent of the term, “completing the complex Kanji with a calligraphic brush stroke.

See Also

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