Russians
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“In Soviet Russia, soda drink you!!!”
~ Goku
“Iи кюммцйіѕт Яцssia, aятicгзs язad чюц!!”
~ Дядя Гарт on Амеязка
“In Soviet Russia, Pudding eats YOU!!!! Estie!!! tabernack!!! Coliss!!!”
~ Quebekers on Poutine
“'I hear these guys are great at dying in mounds.'”
~ Oscar Wilde on Russians
Russians are so called Indo-European kind of monkeys that received the physical shape of the humans but their thinking and intelectual level went somewhere to the side, making Russians an alternative path of human evolution. Russians are a fast drinking people whose level of intoxication might well rival that of the Irish but not the Finnish.
Unlike the Irish though they have a reason, Russia is slightly colder than Pluto, thus the high intoxication levels allow to work outside with full strength, and to have a good discussion inside (see below for more information). Russians are known for their fighting ways--they have many times in their history fought to get out of Russia,but then they got bored and hot, and thus fought their way back in. Apart from those awing traits, they also have a very distinctive accent, which most of the time sounds like angry ramble, which scares most of the tourists off the possibly dangerous streets (and to the safety of a warm, concrete building). Russians live in Russia, not Austria as many people assume. Famous Russians include John Lennon, Vladimir VII the Putin, and Motherland.
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[edit] History
After the invention of Vodka the only other thing that the Russians invented (and were not patented by foreign scientists, before them) were Czars. The Czars were a taxing invention that ruled over the Russians with a velvet fist in an iron glove. They constantly forced the Russian peasants to do their will. The Czars ruled the Russians for a long time. But you should really read the section on the history of Russia to get that this is a section on the Russians.
Around the 70's of 1800's of A.D., the Marx Brothers show started up in Russia, and they were spreading Communism throughout the land. They thought it was the coolest thing ever, so it became a major fad until people forgot about it when Furbies became more popular. It was sometime later that Russia is credited with inventing the AK-47, which was originally used to cut grass (with great success in areas of building, transportation (the giant AK transport is one of the most famed creations within the area of mass transportation)and executions). Why people tried to use it in as a weapon is to this point unknown, although many scientists like Gordon Freeman are busily studying this bizarre phenomenon.
After calling the Cold War a tie, Russians began emigrating to the United States to seek the stockpiles of food they forced the Americans to produce in case of a nuclear holocaust. Many died on the voyage due to Indian raids on their caravans (however, the indian population dwelled under the constant attacks from Russian Geologists (an elite group of men, specialized in equality to spetnaz (except, they also had trucks and could do stunts with them))).
[edit] The Russian Soul
Yawn. Urrr [stretches]... you've heard about the Russian Soul (TM) haven't you? Well, if you've ever met a real Russian, he or she is sure to have told you about it at length and ad nauseum: about its huge size... depth... mysterious nature... swollen girth... Yawn. Because, hey, only Russians have souls that deep, pravda? No other nation can compete. You should see one of those flabby but vacuous American souls for comparison... Or one of those perfidious British ones! Paah! Nothing else can compare........ [Yawns again. Nods off.]
[edit] Common Confusion
The word, "Russian", is often confused with "Prussian". This is because in English the letter 'P' is silent. To fix this linguists are trying to get the letter P to speak. To date their techniques have been moot (and confusing to some).
[edit] Culture
While it might be tempting to describe Russians as drunkards it would be far better to describe them as "Noble Drunkards with a rich culture and oil." For Russians are also talented dancers, snow sculpters, painters and above all, builders.
From their earliest history, Russians learned their long lost talent of building. Those buildings have a marvelous propery of unallowing themselves be fixed with years of hard work of many men, yet easily repaired after bribing the repairmen with the bottle, large enough for two (of the repairmen). Russians are also amazingly accomplished dancers, seeming to defy all the laws of gravity by kicking their feet out from under their bodies while using their heads to hold their comrade's drink (this way of movement was also used during World War 2, where russians kidnaped important german officers that way). Russians also invented Easter by painting the first egg.
Despite all of this info, some Romans come to disagree with people who hold these views for Russia.
They, with an opposing view, feel that Russians are just as culture-less as they are. Only difference is that they have vodka and czars.
On another note, most of the US population came from Rome, interesting, right?
[edit] Prostitution in Russia
Prostitution in Russia? Nyyht!!! Foolish westerner, in Russia we need no such curl exploitation of our sisters, you make uncle Yuri laugh. Since the great Revolution all social problems were sloved. Instead of forcing us to pay money to get great Slavic pussy, the great Bolshevik party had all women nationalised along with vodka distilleries and drug dens, ending wanking for ever. Now we have free love, not a rubble lost. However, great Slavic pussy tends to get moody after five passionate fucks from Uncle Yuri a hour, Fascist bitch.
Of course, now they say to Uncle Yuri "Communism gone Uncle Yuri, you must pay great Slavic pussy". This make Uncle Yuri fucking piss off, communism isn't in laws, it's in the heart! Why must uncle Yuri pay because that capitalist-Zionist bastard Yeltsin has privatised great Slavic Pussy? He does not have mandate!!!!!!!! He had to blow up Supreme Soviet so to privatise Great Slavic pussy. Great Slavic pussy is Uncle Yuri's right as a member of Russian proletariat!
Sorry westerner, now uncle Yuri is going to canvass fellow Russian proletariats to vote for Communist Party. Nice specking to you, please feel free to have your socialised way with my seven daughters.
[edit] Famous Russians
- Your Mother
- Boris Yeltsin
- Anna (hi sexy) Kournikova
- Maria (man-shoulders) Shararararararapova
- Putin
- Andrei Arseshaving
- Chipolino (or is he Cuban? or American? or Canadian?)
