Russell Grant

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Russell Grant.
“I am the enchanting wizard of rhythm, and I came here to tell you about the rhythms of the universe”
~ Grant, to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II at the Royal Variety Performance in 1973

Russell John Dammerall Grant (born 5 February 1951) is a British sorcerer and necromancer. He has written several books on Astrology, provides syndicated newspaper horoscopes and operates premium rate astrology phone lines. In March 2010, he began offering a "Pet Psychic" service. He is also the author of The Real Counties of Britain: How To Make People Believe Absurdities.

edit Early life

Born in the village of Usk, South Wales to parents Hercules and Fiona Grant, Russell attended the Ynys Fawr School of Wizardry And Witchcraft, graduating in 1966 as a First Class Warlock. During his years at the school Grant battled ogres and cast numerous spells before defeating his nemesis, Mystic Meg, in a game of gin rummy that involved magic in some way.

edit Horoscopes


Freaky little fat bastard

Grant was first drawn to the world of astrology when a close friend, believed by many to have been the comedian and game show host Bob Monkhouse, told him there was "money in it". Grant's first column, for the now defunct national newspaper The Daily Grind, was an instant hit. His supreme omniscience, said by many to have been "second only to God's", meant that he was able to tailor many horoscopes to individual members of the general public, such as this extract from Gemini, on May 23rd 1971:

Today, sadly, you will get hit by a sports car while crossing the road. The paramedics will do everything they can to save you, but it will be too late. Your heart will stop beating, and you will die. For those of you who aren't Mrs Margaret Clements of Basingstoke, good luck comes in green.

By the end of the decade, however, the public had begun to tire of Grant and his now unnerving ability to predict the future. Events such as the Watergate Scandal, the outcome of the Rumble In The Jungle fight between Muhammad Ali and the popular singer George Formby, the emergence of punk music, the death of John Lennon and the presidency of Ronald Reagan were all predicted in his eighteen volume work, Everything That Is Going To Happen In The Next 10 Years (1973).

The matter was raised in the British parliament, with then Prime Minister Edward Teeth declaring Grant "a threat to the sanctity of this nation". On the eve of May 30th 1975 Grant was chased from his home in Godalming, Surrey by a mob brandishing burning torches. He fled into the night aboard a horse-drawn carriage, never to return to the South East.

edit Television

Eight years later Grant returned to the public sphere once more as the resident astrologer on the TV-AM breakfast show. Due to his refusal to record in the South East, Grant appeared on the show by using a series of mirrors, arranged in a zig-zag pattern from the television studio in Maidstone, Kent, all the way to his home in Swansea. This complex system, nicknamed the Highway Of Light, soon became a tourist attraction, with tens of thousands flocking to see the multiple images of Grant, often wearing a yellow cardigan, stretching as far as the eye could see.

When TV-AM was cancelled in the 1990s Grant went in to semi-retirement, selling potions from his home via mail order. Television and film appearances in recent years have included the now-infamous series of I'm A Celebrity - Get Me Out Of Here, in which he ate a live koala bear, and his cameo in Zack Snyder's 300 as the great big monster with tusks for arms.

edit Law Suit

In 2003 Grant attempted to sue Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling, claiming that she had based her successful series of childrens' novels on his early life. The case was quickly thrown out of court, but Grant later told newspapers that he had placed a spell on the author that would leave her "pissing turqoise" for the rest of her natural life.

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