Russell Brand

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Russell Edward "The Don Shlong" Brand (born 4 June 1975) is allegedly an English comedian, actor, columnist, singer, author and radio/television presenter.

Brand has very long, unwashed, uncombed hair - Oh how I have dreamt of running my fingers through his glorious simian locks - his illustrious mane of thick matt hair is made up of over 3 million individual strands, and at one stage in the early 2000's, approximately 91% of the planet's nits called it their home. But apart from his delicious locks, Russell is famous for being a very fortunate presenter and comedian.


Russell is especially noted for his irreverence and bearing a remarkable similarity to all photo-fits of men that the police wanted to question on Shaw Taylor's 'Police 5' circa 1969 - 1980. After a brief foray into singing, which ended sooner than Stevie Wonder's career as an architect, Russell picked himself up and stumbled the world of comedy. Bizarrely Russell thrived due to his audience being higher than him, and although his career has been one marked by controversy and meaningless shag fests with anaesthetize prostitutes, Russell has been very successful. He has won multiple awards; in 2006, 7 and 8 he won The Sun's prestigious Shagger of The Year Award [1] and in 2008 Russell was also voted number one in the worlds sexiest recovering drug addicts, dethroning it's only ever previous winner, Robert Downey Jr. He also has won the award of obvious celebrity 'most likely' to be classified as pervert in 2041 when he is a bit old taking the title for Sir Jimmy Saville of Leedsdom.

However despite Russell's ups, he has experienced more downs in his life by his own making than the head of your local special education unit. His efforts to revive Robespierre's 'Cult of the Supreme Being' and install himself as its leader went awry and entirely without notice. He was told by the cult registration committee that a cult must have more of a mandate than "Girls dig funky titles." Russell's dreams of attaining the lofty title of Supreme Being were crushed by the committee, and as such Russell became a more bitter and twisted version of himself. Shortly after this Russell developed a serious addiction to cocaine and the good stuff

However, in the 21st Century Russell is but a shadow of his former self. He was once a cheeky comedian known for his wit and over the top persona. But now he has been tainted by Hollywood, his recent divorce from Katy Perry and subsequent films he has been asked to star in has not only changed his personality but has forced him to shave his beard and use copious amounts of oil to slick back his hair so now resembles that stranger you were told not to talk to as kids. Many people have complained at this new version of Russell, but he has simply replied that they should shut their gobs , he is no longer what he was, he is now God capable of blinding them or breaking their phalanges.


Early Life

Scaredboy

After being traumatised in his childhood, this child now has a abnormally severe reaction to anyone dropping soap.

Adolescence

Russell was born on the 4th June 1975 in Grays, Essex. At the young age of 2 he hacked into his brother's Tamagotchi and left a message claiming that he was the porn son of Bin Laden. Although Russell claims to have had an enjoyable upbringing and to have a strong bond with his father, there are suspicions that Russell is actually an extra terrestrial. These suspicions began when Mr. Ron Brand told an interviewer that, "I don't care about Russell's fame - I wish I'd never rescued the blasted boy from his spaceship all those years ago!" Recent blood tests done to Russell have also uncovered startling findings about the composition of Russell's cells. Throughout Russell's body there is an average of 25% more lead than in the average human, with this figure shooting up to about 98% more lead in Russell's penis, compared to the average male.

Not much is known of Russell's adolescence. Much of his history has been either destroyed by the Illuminati to stop any news of the vile experimentations they did on him leaking, or by the aliens on his home planet - so the human race does not know that in fact, Russell is first contact. As the mutations in Russell's brain caused him to develop his sexual drive at around 6 years of age, many confusing communal showers were had between Russell and his peers, with Russell engaging in what would not be called 'rape.' Months of therapy would be needed for both Russell and the 4 unfortunate kids who dropped the soap, repeatedly.

Career

Stand-up, presenting, and acting - a Ménage à trois of talents

The underlying reason for Russell's fame is his talent, he is a 'talented' comedian and in all three departments listed above he excels. Although his stand-up has been criticised as a "monotonous stream of consciousness that could be cobbled together by a monkey picking random sentences out of a hat" Overall I find the notion that a monkey could write his stand up laughable. A monkey may have the necessary intelligence, but where near a firm enough grasp on the English language to do such a thing. However, there are creatures that blend these two talents together, Paris Hilton would suffice[2].

Russell's first major break in stand-up was the Secret Policeman's ball, where he gave a raucous performance and established himself on the map as stand-up comedian on a similar par to greats such as Dale Winton. However, Russell was not content with simply being a stand-up comedian, and made his foray into presenting. If one was to liken Russell's career to a meaty bull's carcass, then presenting would surely be the juicy shoulders where all the meat is carved off from - as it is certainly where Russell made his biggest break. Since from around 2009, Russell has immersed himself in the world of Hollywood and the discipline of acting; Most recently he played the part of Arthur, in the film Arthur. A title that can only be described as a masterpiece of creativity and surrealism, encased in an all encompassing metaphor representing the worlds struggles and tribulations in one simple alias. Or maybe not. Arthur is essentially about a young alcoholic with no sense of decency or timing, who by some bizarre twist of fate, has a lot of money. He falls in love with a girl he shouldn't and fights tooth and nail to be with her, culminating in... well, not much really. As you can probably already tell, the part of a bumbling alcoholic with no social conscience or appreciation of the reactions to his childish behaviour was a perfect fit for Russell[3].


Manuel

Hello, Fawtly Towers. Oh, you had sex with my grand-daughter? This is very rude sir I-What? Oh no, don't call Mr. Fawlty please!.

The Sachsident

Russell's career has by no means been clear sailing, and arguably the first issue of extreme controversy was "Sachsgate" - proving that sometimes you really can apologize too much. The incident happened when Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand took things beyond their usual innuendo laden infantile banter to do something really rather sinister. An aged comedy actor , with only his beautiful grand-daughter in the world to protect him was abused and publicly humiliated by Brand and Ross who in a moment of 'madness' brought on by failing to spend their large BBC salaries, left dirty foul mouthed messages on his recording machine thingy. Causing Mr Sachs to fall of his star-lift.


After the show (heard by 400,000 people) only 2 people phoned into complain as X Factor was on the other side and Jedward was doing something amusing. When news reached Russell that the Daily Mail were doing a story on their phone call, he admittedly did not help himself - he spent most of what would be his final radio show condemning the Daily Mail for their support of the Nazi party in the run up to World War 2. It was irrelevant at the time, but he had learnt wisely being a media man himself - when people point the finger at you negate your actions by slinging mud. He also left another message on Sachs' phone asking him if leaving a "few depraved swearwords" on his phone was worse than supporting the third Reich as Hitler took power? Was leaving a dirty message as bad as being an incompetent Spanish waiter who unnecessarily angered Mr Fawlty and had hamsters running over diners food...was it? We all knew the answer!

Well, this infuriated the directors of the Daily Mail, Mr Fawlty and the Queen. Russell had made powerful enemies but he had even more powerful friends so did not really care.


These events culminated in Russell and Jonathan having to resign from the BBC for five minutes and to sit on the naughty step to think about what they had done and go to bed without any supper. However, thankfully, it did not have a debilitating impact on either of them the ' jammy gits' - Jonathan Ross is lisping more prolifically than he ever has before and Russell is far more successful now than he ever was before the Sachsident due to marrying Katie Perry his 55,000th shag - who he later divorced after realizing she would age.

Personal Life

Godcametorus

The Gospel of Thomas verse 22: And to the world shall the lord grant one man who shall forever cement the fortunes of all those who doth dabble in the selling of drugs.

Drug (ab)usage and sexual deviancy

It is fair to say Russell has had more than his fair share of drugs, it is widely accepted that Russell has done over 5 times his bodyweight in heroine and smoked enough weed to hotbox a room equivalent to the size of the House of Lords. His addiction to drugs has caused him to do some things many would consider as weird; such as dressing up as Osama bin Laden the day after the September the 11th attacks and to try and convince some Australian singer to use his drug dealer, although in all fairness cocaine is one hell of a drug.

Russell has been arrested 12 times throughout his life for small indiscretions like battery of paparazzi and snorting cocaine off a toilet seat in a bar; as you can tell, he was a classy youngster. However all of this pales in comparison to his sexual exploits, which are known from Essex to California as the most prolific and successful of any man. Russell is a self confession sex addict an eloquent way of stating he is a pervert, his addiction to sex starting when he was a mere 16. It all began in Hong Kong, where his dad introduced him to his first prostitute - one of Filipino origins, she was "18 stone of pure beauty" said an enamoured Russell after his first real sexual encounter. As family holidays go, developing an addiction to sex is a pretty good effort. This holiday would lay the foundation for his future maniacal attempts to mate with everything with a pulse [4]. It is fair to say he was a womaniser, but despite his frequency sexual encounters he just couldn't find that special woman for him. In the world of Russell himself, "I thought I was promiscuous, it turns out I was just being promiscuous."


The five simple steps to your very own STD

DramaticQuestionMark
Did you know...
that you could be having sex with a girl as beautiful, as interesting as well presented. Ok, as unique... as the one below this? No? Get on it!
Orange3 fn

This is your target. Take a good, long stare. Deviating from this template may result in actually having to talk to your pray.

These 5 simple steps, which border along rapist and predatory techniques, took scientists over 10 years to understand. As one researcher commented, "Like the Heisenberg principle, you can never know where Russell is at any one point, but you can generally assume the approximate location where he is having intercourse with an unconscious woman."

Step 1: Woman, often called Shaneequah or Chantelle-Taylor-Walletstealer appears at a bar.


Step 2: Russell approaches said woman with a devilish look in his eye and a rohypnol infused glass of Ribena in his hand.


Step 3: The woman drinks this and instantly falls unconscious in Russell's arms.


Step 4: Everyone in the bar thinks at this point the woman is swooning for Russell and has already fallen in love.


Step 5: From now on the details tend to vary, but usually they involve Russell doing the ol' monkey business and the girl waking up on a bouncy castle in Cornwall a few hours later.


That took the most prominent researchers over 10 years to figure out, now go forth and follow that chain of events to the letter make a woman fall in love with you by lavishing her with expensive gifts and lobster dinners.




The Future for Russell Brand

Fatoldrussel

Russell's modelling in a very fetching pair of boy's pants next to his impressive collection of weaponry and guitars.

The future for Russell is clear, apart from court appearances it involves vomit and drowning in it.



References

  1. now renamed the Russell Brand Shagger of the Year Award in honour of its most prolific winner
  2. Or George W. Bush if she's busy
  3. which is why he has been nominated for 2011 Teen Choice Award. Awhh, we all have to start somewhere.
  4. and some things without.
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