Russell Edward "The Don Shlong" Brand (born 4 June 1975) is an English comedian, actor, columnist, singer, author and radio/television presenter.
Brand has very long and sexy hair,  and his illustrious mane of thick matt hair is made up of over 3 million individual strands, and at one stage in the early 2000's, approximately 11% of the planet's nits called it their home. But apart from his delicious locks, Russell is famous for being a popular television and radio presenter and comedian. He is also one of the few men who was born and raised in Essex and yet still retained enough will to live to make something vaguely constructive of his life.
Russell is especially noted for his irreverent and eccentric character. After a brief foray into singing, which ended sooner than Stevie Wonder's career as an architect, he picked himself up and entered the world of comedy. Here was where Russell thrived, and although his career has been one marked by controversy and meaningless love affairs with anaesthetized prostitutes, Russell has been
very successful. He has won multiple awards; in 2006, 7 and 8 he won The Sun's prestigious Shagger of The Year Award  and in 2008 Russell was also voted as the World's Sexiest Recovering Drug Addict, dethroning its only ever previous winner, Robert Downey Jr.
However despite Russell's ups, he has experienced more downs in his life than the head of your local special education unit. His efforts to revive Robespierre's 'Cult of the Supreme Being' and install himself as its leader went awry and entirely without notice. He was told by the cult registration committee that a cult must have more of a mandate than "Girls dig funky titles." Russell's dreams of attaining the lofty title of Supreme Being were crushed by the committee, and as such Russell became a more bitter and twisted version of himself. Shortly after this, Russell developed a serious addiction to cocaine and the good stuff.
However, in the 21st Century, Russell is but a shadow of his former self. He was once a cheeky comedian known for his wit and over-the-top persona. But now he has been tainted by Hollywood -- his recent marriage to Katy Perry, and subsequent films he has been asked to star in has not only changed his personality, but has forced him to shave his beard and use copious amounts of oil to slick back his hair. Many people have complained at this new version of Russell, but he has simply replied that he is no longer what he was, and although the world is worse off for it, Russell has changed.
Russell was born on the 4th June 1975 in Grays, Essex. At the young age of 2 he hacked into his brother's Tamagotchi and left a message claiming that he was the porn star son of Bin Laden. Although Russell claims to have had an enjoyable upbringing and to have a strong bond with his father, there are suspicions that Russell is actually an extraterrestrial. These suspicions began when Mr. Ron Brand told an interviewer that, "I don't care about Russell's fame - I wish I'd never rescued the blasted boy from his spaceship all those years ago!" Recent blood tests done to Russell have also uncovered startling findings about the composition of Russell's cells. Throughout Russell's body there is an average of 25% more lead than in the average human, with this figure shooting up to about 98% more lead in Russell's penis, compared to the average male.
Not much is known of Russell's adolescence. Much of his history has been either destroyed by the Illuminati to stop any news of the vile experimentations they did on him leaking, or by the aliens on his home planet - so the human race does not know that in fact, Russell is first contact. As the mutations in Russell's brain caused him to develop his sexual drive at around 6 years of age, many confusing communal showers were had between Russell and his peers, with Russell engaging in what would not be called 'rape.' Months of therapy would be needed for both Russell and the four unfortunate kids who dropped the soap, repeatedly.
Stand-up, presenting, and acting - a Ménage à trois of talents
The underlying reason for Russell's fame is his talent, he is a 'talented' comedian and in all three departments listed above he excels. Although his stand-up has been criticised as a "monotonous stream of consciousness that could be cobbled together by a monkey picking random sentences out of a hat" Overall I find the notion that a monkey could write his stand up laughable. A monkey may have the necessary intelligence, but where near a firm enough grasp on the English language to do such a thing. However, there are creatures that blend these two talents together, Paris Hilton would suffice.
Russell's first major break in stand-up was the Secret Policeman's ball, where he gave a raucous performance and established himself on the map as stand-up comedian on a similar par to greats such as Dale Winton. However, Russell was not content with simply being a stand-up comedian, and made his foray into presenting. If one was to liken Russell's career to a meaty bull's carcass, then presenting would surely be the juicy shoulders where all the meat is carved off from - as it is certainly where Russell made his biggest break. Since from around 2009, Russell has immersed himself in the world of Hollywood and the discipline of acting; Most recently he played the part of Arthur, in the film Arthur. A title that can only be described as a masterpiece of creativity and surrealism, encased in an all encompassing metaphor representing the world's struggles and tribulations in one simple alias. Arthur is essentially about a young alcoholic with no sense of decency or timing who, by some bizarre twist of fate, has a lot of money. He falls in love with a girl he shouldn't, and fights tooth and nail to be with her, culminating in... well, not much, really. As you can probably already tell, the part of a bumbling alcoholic with no social conscience or appreciation of the reactions to his childish behaviour was a perfect fit for Russell.
But alas, dear reader, despite the impression you may have gained from the above, that Russell is a hard working man - striving to better himself in a world of cruel media moguls and unforgiving rites of passage - everything Russell has done and is doing is simply to make enough cash to pay the upkeep on his extremely extravagant hairstyle.
Russell's career has by no means been clear sailing, and arguably the first issue of extreme controversy was "Sachsgate" - proving that sometimes you really can apologize too much. The incident happened on a cold October morning, when Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand took things beyond their usually innuendo laden banter to do something really rather sinister. A poor defenceless old man, with only his beautiful grand-daughter in the world to protect him was abused and publicly humiliated by Brand and Ross. Although naturally, as Andrew Sachs is an extremely vocal conservative, the BBC were only too happy to air this onslaught on his character it was still an
amusing distasteful thing to do.
Now you ask, what became of these charismatic rogues with a penchant for abusing old men? Well, after the show (heard by 400,000 people) only 2 people phoned into complain. A clear sign of the storm to come. However, in a situation like this, you can always rely on the media to make a mountain out of a molehill, and who made the first move - you guessed it - our good friend The Daily Mail. When news reached Russell that the Daily Mail were doing a story on their phone call, he admittedly did not help himself - he spent most of what would be his final radio show condemning the Daily Mail for their support of the Nazi party in the run up to World War 2 - something fervently denied by the Daily Mail, and something only a fool could believe. He also left another message on Sachs' phone asking him if leaving a "few harmless swearwords" on his phone was worse than supporting the third Reich as Hitler took power? Well, this infuriated the directors of the Daily Mail, who's debate over their favourite way to administer gas silently was abruptly interrupted by them all simultaneously spitting out their sauerkraut in unison upon hearing the what Russell had said. Russell had made a powerful enemy; and from then on Russell, Jonathan, Georgina and Andrew Sachs' life all took a turn for the worst.
These events culminated in Russell and Jonathan having to resign from the BBC, badly bruised, yet not completely out of the game. However, thankfully, it did not have a debilitating impact on either of them - Jonathan Ross is lisping more prolifically than he ever has before and Russell is far more successful now than he ever was before the Sachsident.
Drug (ab)usage and sexual deviancy
It is fair to say Russell has had more than his fair share of drugs. His addiction to drugs has caused him to do some things many would consider as weird; such as dressing up as Osama bin Laden the day after the September the 11th attacks, and to try and convince some Australian singer to use his drug dealer, although in all fairness cocaine is one hell of a drug.
Russell has been arrested 12 times throughout his life for small indiscretions like battery of paparazzi and snorting cocaine off a toilet seat in a bar; as you can tell, he was a classy youngster. However, all of this pales in comparison to his sexual exploits, which are known from Essex to California as the most prolific and successful of any man. Russell is a self-confessed sex addict, as his addiction to sex started when he was a mere 16 years old. It all began in Hong Kong, where his dad introduced him to his first prostitute. As family holidays go, developing an addiction to sex is a pretty good effort. This holiday would lay the foundation for his future maniacal attempts to mate with everything that has a pulse.. It is fair to say he was a womaniser, but despite his frequency sexual encounters, he just couldn't find that special woman for him. In the words of Russell himself, "I thought I was promiscuous, it turns out I was just being thorough."
The five simple steps to your very own STD
These 5 simple steps, which border along rapist and predatory techniques, took scientists over 10 years to understand. As one researcher commented, "Like the Heisenberg principle, you can never know where Russell Brand is at any one point, but you can generally assume the approximate location where he is having intercourse with an unconscious woman."
Step 1: Woman, often called Shaneequah or Chantelle-Taylor-Walletstealer appears at a bar.
Step 2: Russell approaches said woman with a devilish look in his eye and a rohypnol infused glass of Ribena in his hand.
Step 3: The woman drinks this and instantly falls unconscious in Russell's arms.
Step 4: Everyone in the bar thinks at this point the woman is swooning for Russell and has already fallen in love.
Step 5: From now on the details tend to vary, but usually they involve Russell doing the ol' monkey business and the girl waking up on a bouncy castle in Cornwall a few hours later.
The Future for Russell Brand
The future for Russell is unclear -- he is like a scented candle, when it's burning it's always very pleasant to have around. However, when it stops burning, you've just got a useless wick left, one that has to be thrown away like a used condom. Hopefully, Russell's candle will never burn out, and hopefully Russell will reunite and procreate with Katy Perry and have some all singing, dancing, sexing, laughing, probing kids who will one day take over Russell's mantle as The Don Shlong.
- ↑ Oh, how you have dreamt of running my fingers through his glorious obsidian locks
- ↑ now renamed the Russell Brand Shagger of the Year Award in honour of its most prolific winner
- ↑ Or George W. Bush if she's busy
- ↑ Or maybe not
- ↑ which is why he has been nominated for 2011 Teen Choice Award. Awhh, we all have to start somewhere.
- ↑ one that slurps up hair wax like an Amsterdam hooker slurps up... well, just imagine there's lots of slurping going on
- ↑ It is widely accepted that Russell has done over 5 times his bodyweight in heroin, and smoked enough weed to hotbox a room equivalent to the size of the House of Lords
- ↑ One of Filipino origin, she was "18 stone of pure beauty" said an enamoured Russell after his first real sexual encounter
- ↑ and some things without
- ↑ This took the most prominent researchers over ten years to figure it out, now go forth and
follow that chain of events to the lettermake a woman fall in love with you by lavishing her with expensive gifts and lobster dinners
- ↑ It keeps the wasps away and always emits a lovely aroma that improves the mood of everyone who can smell it