Russell Brand
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“He once got too rough, I seagulled him for the insolence he showed to my person”
- ~ Oscar Wilde on Russell Brand
“I knew we should've kept the baby and thrown away the afterbirth, I told the doctors again and again...”
- ~ Brand's parents on Russell Brand
“What the fuck is this shit?”
~ Mr. T on Russell Brand
“...And that makes 1,000,000! ”
~ Russell Brand caclutating how many women he has slept with in a month
“I'd do 'im”
~ Fern Britton on Russell Brand
Russell Brand Is a Proponent of bestiality and noted drug taker. The British love a freak show has seen his drug addled rantings propel him to psudeo-stardom as the audience waits to see what deranged madness he will next spout.
drug user and general twat, cunt, prick and an ex-member of U2. He was most famous for his lawsuit against Johnny Depp, claiming that the actor's performance as "Corporal Jack Sparrow" in the hit Disney films Pirates Of The Carribean, was based on him. Brand is the lesser-known, lesser-liked brother of Alan Partridge, and is directly responsible for everything bad in the universe and society. But actually no, I'm lying, and I'm really just jelous that out of me and Andrew Sachs, he chose Andrew Sachs to fuck.
By 2006, he was named 'Most Punchable Man In The Country', which resulted in the controversial decision to crown him "Prince Of The Earth".
He is an annoying git who has a very funny sense of hair style (or possibly a funny git, with an annoying sense of hairstyle), which is done by a monkey high on banana juice and crack. His hair is, in some senses, orgasmic.
He is also Son of Jabba The Hut (I.E Jo Brand)
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[edit] Early career
By the age of 18, Brand began experimenting with his voice, taking it from a burly posh accent, to the mockney he uses today- albeit in a way more pitiful than Dick Van Dyke who had the excuse of being an old Yank. He started work as a rent boy as soon as he left school, saying he could make a man cum in 14 seconds- failing to state that man was him.
After a long day of servicing transvestites and government ministers, Brand's last appointment of the day turned out to be none other than Elmo, who at the time was still head of MTV. In a drunken stupor, Elmo mistook Brand for someone with talent and hired him on the spot reserving his place in Hell alongside King Herod and Britain's Got Talent Winner Pol Pot.
The previous day, thanks to time travel, Brand began work on the MTV2 show Brand I love it, in the hotly contested time slot of 2 in the morning. All went well for the first 10 years not dissimilar to Mr Hitler's first decade in the German Army, then one day a criminal mastermind, later understood to be Naomi Campbell, put something in Brand's morning dose of heroin which made him act strange. He got his cock out and began fucking anything that didn't move. It was a busy day at MTV towers to say the least, as staff made sure to constantly be on the move, ending in the station going offline for a day, due to Brand sodomizing the people in control.
He inflated to the size of a hippopotamus and went on a racist tirade about the Welsh. While everybody at MTV thought it was bloody funny (except for Glynn, the Welsh work-experience boy everybody hated), those killjoys at Ofcom demanded he be taken off the air. For their selfless actions, they were awarded the Barry Scott Star, the highest honour that can be bestowed upon a regulatory body.
[edit] Big Brother
After spending a couple of years deflating, and abstaining from heroin (except for that time at that party, oh and when he was trying to impress a girl, and oh that time between January and December), Brand bounced back, as Alan Partridge would say, when he was hired by the brilliant minds behind the number one TV show for idiots, Big Brother.
Despite the show's reputation for attracting millions of viewers, Channel 4 thought that Brand's well-known twattery would be well suited for barely-related BB talkshow Big Brother's Talking Out Of Its Big Arse, in which a studio audience would be held at gunpoint and forced to laugh a Brand's own special brand (huh huh) of comedy.
Within an hour, he was crowned Prince Of The Earth by the assembled twats of England, taking over from previous Prince, Prince, thus marking the first harbinger of the Apocalypse (which was to occur the following year).
[edit] Personal Life
Russell Brand actually owns & shaggs sex dolls for dogs. Yes its true, there are sex dolls for dogs & Russell Brand owns & operates three an hour. Some say Brand is cool but as everyone knows, he is pretty feminine in an ugly hirsute unhygienic way . Once when he visited Australia (which just happened to be during Sydneys Gay Mardi Gra) Brand was reported to have said that he was not gay, and he is just trying to act gay, like an early Elton John. Even though it is widely known that his Australian vist was accompanied by a cockatoo. When asked about his sexuality, his mother stated, "He would rather choke in the closet than come out of it!" much like the Deep Throat movie, except, in a closet dressed as a confused gay vampire.
September the 31st, 1872 saw the birth of Brand's most infamous catch-phrase. After going on a major opium bender with Sherlock Holmes Brand proposed rounding the evening off in his normal manner of Beer, Banter and Bitch from the local dogs home. Out of the finest English traditions Holmes drew the line at bestiality, got Brand so hammered that he couldn't tell one species from another, and diverted to a bath house. While Holmes was delivering a fine backrub to a strapping young man from Poland, brand was in the next stall being buggered even more senseless by a Bruce, a bitchy little queen from Glasgow. Brand was supposed to be the rock for this encounter but couldn't get it up. It is beyond doubt that this was entirely due to the double shandy, and not a long standing "Male Problem". When he finished Bruce, Bruce commented "That was really crap you useless pouff" prompting Brand to exclaim "Sandy! You Spoke", still stoned out of his mind and thinking he'd shagged Sandy, his favourite bitch from Battersea dog's home. "I'm not sandy, and those colours don't match." Bruce replied as he left. Brand is now convinced that he bestowed speech, a penis, and colour vision on a humble dog. His chat up line for any given species has since been "I will make you forget your own name, I will make you see multi-coloured." But he doesn't mention the sex-changing thing because he's secretly intensely homophobic.
Russell's fashion sense is unenviable it being -a mixture of a syphilitic Victorian dandy and a dirty old man loitering around the park after dark vigilantly waiting for stragglers. He said in an interview that he finds it hard to contain himself when clothes shopping, particularly when he finds a bargain; "all rationale flies out the window. I see it, I want it. I don't care if it costs a tenner. I want it". Russell is said to own at least 500 beige raincoats (stained) and owns at least one pair of briefs, "albeit," he added "they're a little skiddy."
Russell recently had a well publicized affair with television darling Fern Britton. Russell knew it was all over when Fern began to fart in bed. "It was rank," he mumbled to a Heat Magazine reporter "she ate nothing but supernoodles for a week. The smell was so bad the next door neighbours dog began to fuckin' howl. Then she'd waft the sheets to circulate it. Rank man"
According to The Sun ergo it must be soooo true!... Russell Brand is dating vampire lesbian Katy Perry this is of course a lie as he is of course shagging Ruby Wax, Sarah Harding and the Queen. Because Katy Perry only kisses girls however eagle-eared pop fans have noted she also states in her chart-smash anthem "I could also do a gorilla- if it's dressed up like a squalid Victorian money-lender with jeans so tight it crushes the life out of the hairy ape's saggy knackers". Which lends credibility to the notion she may be the 57 billionth woman to allow Brand to approach her with his well used sticky wicket.
According to Fox News Russell actually turn down sex twice. Once with Susan Boyle and his mother.
[edit] Influence
Brand's unique take on comedy, the novel idea that it shouldn't be funny, was taken up by many other young comedians during his life and after his death (some even stole pieces of his small, small brain). These include:-
- the writers of sitcom
- the writers of Joey
- the writers of this article
- Peter Jackson
- Jimmy Carr
- perverts
- Katy Perry
- Michael Jackson
Recently and rather sadly Russell Brand turned his unique comedy style (euphemism for as funny as a dying cute baby) to penning two autobiographies entirely in wax crayons. The first being about his penis and the second about his testicles. Book stores were forced to pull copies of these pot-boiling rantings when customers and staff complained of feeling "itchy below" after walking past copies of "My Bookie Suckie Take a Lookie" and " Me Wee-Wee Lovie Katie Perry". It is also believed that Brand has many people who are jealous of his talents- notably Brand is the main disciple of this theory and be-spectacled, stereotypical scientist with mad white wavy hair have stated "it is possibly a self-inflicted delusional episode which strikes Russell 'Bonobo Monkey' Brand every ten minutes to mask his egregiously severe 'untalentedness' and we are allowed to make up new words".
[edit] Noel Gallagher
Noel Gallagher is Funny, Talented and has a natural charm and magnetism. This makes him the exact opposite of Russell. Physicists have speculated that if the two meet and shake hands then Bad Things might happen.
Some have proposed that it would be as well to "Off" Russell Brand now, as a reasonable precaution, while others have suggested that the two should be introduced as soon as possible, as having a front row seat to a talent-antitalent reaction and resulting cataclysmic explosion would be infinitely preferable to having to stand five seconds in Brand's company.
[edit] Trivia
Although not officially recognised, Brand is responsible for the creation of:
- the AIDS virus
- people who think that using a mac is an intellectual and moral choice
- people who prefer Playstation 2 over next-gen consoles
- text-speech
- Jive Bunny
- Sky One
- pig ornaments
- the mullet
- musicals
- people who won't shut up about Nintendo
[edit] See Also
[edit] External Links
- Brand's official website, designed by under-privileged chimpanzees
- The Russell Brand Fansite, run by a mentally ill fridge magnet
- The Official Big Brother website, shat out by Davina McCall herself one Sunday morning
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