Rush "Ain't Rushin' Nowhere With Them Flabby Thighs" Limbaugh (excreted 1951) is a popular American radio gasbag, sideshow performer, and bestselling author. Now recognized as the voice of the Republican Party, he developed his skills during 12 years as a bingo caller on a closed-circuit nursing home radio station before scoring a national success with his syndicated program.
Limbaugh was born in Siberia, where he originated in a Cold War-era, Soviet biological experiment intended to breed larger swine. Limbaugh's metabolism differs from that of humans; he inhales oxygen and oxycontin, and exhales lies. There is considerable evidence to support that Limbaugh is not a person so much as he is the human personification of various logical fallacies. Rumors that he was turned down for military service due to having an anal cyst are not accurate, the military in fact classified his entire body as a giant anal cyst.
First Breakfast: Origins
“He's one of my best operatives.”
Rush Limbaugh's origins can be traced to the 9th plane of hell. The Dark Lord decided Limbaugh would be born as a human to facilitate the fruition of His fiendish plans, and had a retarded inbred cousin of the Old Ones impregnate a catatonic drug addict. This resulted in the death of Limbaugh's mother during childbirth due to his inordinately and monolithically massive pumpkin head. When questioned about this, he generally responds with "The world's better off without that worthless doping dirt-bag.", probably referring to her requests for painkillers to mitigate the excruciating pain of Rush's massive coconut tearing its way through her birth canal. He was sent to Earth as a personal favor to Satan in order to spread conservatism over the globe. One of the ways Limbaugh stays in good standing with the dark prince is by bringing him a box of illegal Havana cigars once a month. Sometimes he tops his gifts with the sacrifice of a human child on Nooordddoor'Ga'th. The hypocrisy of ignoring the Cuban trade embargo may only be discussed on pain of eternal damnation.
Second Breakfast: Early life
When Limbaugh reached his teens he took over a post on a local radio station that had to be filled after the death of Pastor Richard Hedd. Limbaugh's first show was about the section of the Bible that forbids inbreeding. He threw a tirade and ended by taking a pair of tweezers and masturbating his little undersized penis to a picture of Ronald Reagan (who was still an actor at the time, but was already known as a conservative). He did so to prove that a conservative masturbating to a man's picture is not gay; it's only gay when a liberal does it (by the same logic, criticizing George Bush is traitorous, but wanting Barack Obama to fail is patriotic). In 1970, at the height of the Vietnam War Rush proudly served his country by reading commercials on a Christian radio staion in Padukah, Kentucky. He fondly remembers those days and boasts about how other people his age at that time were PAYING money to go to college, while he EARNED money and didn't even have to attend college.
Brunch: Angelic nature
Limbaugh is noted for his gracious courtesy and tolerance to all white rednecks. He won the Nobel Peace Prize in 2000 for getting Bill Clinton out of office. He also received international acclaim in 1993 for calling Clinton's then 13 year old daughter a "dog". Calling a 13 year girl whom he'd never met a "dog" is a classic example of Rush's trademark charm, never again to be duplicated until Rush's inverse, Alec Baldwin, dumped on his own 11-year-old daughter in April 2007, calling her a "pig". Research shows, in fact, that most of the Clinton family are of canine origin.
Roast beef on rye with brown mustard: support of the American Troops
In January 2005, Limbaugh sent nearly 3000 jockstraps for the boys and 2500 wonder bras for the girls in Iraq. If that isn't support, I don't know what is! In gratitude, the troops gave Limbaugh a lifetime subscription to Weight Watchers, which he donated to charity so he could continue pigging out.
He once sung in a talent show and it went so bad that his mother just had to send him to audition for American Idol. That was at a time when Simon wasn't at all bitchy but when he heard him sing something just snapped. Now look at him.
Books Eaten... I Mean Written by Limbuagh
- "Kill them all"
- "I like to eat, a lot"
- "Are You Going to Eat That, Rush's guide to Seconds"
- "How to lose weight (and gain it back)"
- "Drug Problems for dummies"
- "Projectile Lead Therapy for Kids"
- "Shit! I'm Stuck Again!: Ten Ways to Fit Your Fat Ass Through any Door"
- "How things ought to be, and if they are not, I will yell until they are!"
- "How I infected One Million Black Children with AIDS: And you can too"
- "Shh! 30 ways to cook Liberals (And eat them too!)"
- "Liberals are at it again: A Rush Limbaugh Memoir"
- "Diary of an Old Fat Man,"
- "Me Me Me I I I Me Me Me & Mine"
- "My First Sexual Encounter (With a woman)"
- "Help! I can't see my penis!, An autobiography"
- "Being a Fat, Dickless, Fearmongering, Ultra-Conservative Fearmongering Neo-Nazi Asshole Shitface For Complete Retards"
- "So What if I Haven't Seen My Willie in years. I have Bigger Tits Than Your Mom Does!!!, a Defense of the Obese Conservative Lifestyle"
- "Confessions: How I had sex with Ann Coulter, and ways to avoid doing it again"
- "Parkinsons, The fake disease"
- "The Way Drugs Should Be Sold"
Lunch: Restless Leg Syndrome
For years, Rush has promoted restless leg syndrome as a clean source of energy. He says, "Get the people who have 'Restless Leg syndrome' to power the generators at all power plants". Limbaugh himself is known to suffer from the syndrome, resulting from a battle injury which he contracted through sexual intercourse with minors during the Vietnam war, spent by him exclusively in his Villa located in Los Angeles, North Mexico.
Each day, Limbaugh gobbles over three times his body weight in cocaine, LSD, GB127, Viagra, oxycontin, methamphetamine, and horse tranquilizers. According to several of his ex-wives, Limbaugh spent over six million dollars repeatedly enlarging the loading dock at his home to accommodate bigger truckloads of pharmaceuticals delivered by Michael Jackson's personal physician. The ex-wives also report that the viagra had no effect on Rush except to make his breath smell "like rotten possum".
More Snacks: Rush Limbaugh and illegal immigration
In the wake of the immense controversy created by the 2006 immigration debate, Premiere Radio Networks issued a statement declaring that they would continue to follow their conviction, despite applicable U.S. immigration and labor laws, that employing illegal immigrants was still "the right (and possibly most cost effective) thing to do in low-quality-brainwashing broadcasting business" and that Premiere Radio Networks will therefore continue to pollute the airwaves with the neo-conservative rants and raves of Rush Limbaugh a.k.a. Rodriguez Miguel Sanchez (his confirmed identity, est. 2001). Despite Sanchez's alleged hostility to all the bastard descendants of Ricky Ricardo, it is now a well known fact that he maintains pluralistic marriages throughout central America, and has fathered close to five thousand children, all of whom apparently know better than to cross the border into the United States, because "daddy might sell us to the Chinese". Rumors of a relationship with an Ecuadorian hermaphrodite have been crushed by his press agent, who insists that, "Mr. Limbaugh has never even visited Ecuador. He finds that the best hermaphrodites money can buy, congregate in Salvadorean hill villages".
Dinner: Handing Michael J. Fox his ass in 2006
In October 2006 Limbaugh courageously took a stance at Parkinson's victim Michael J. Fox. Fox, at the time, was deviously raising money for stem cell research to cure Parkinson's disease, and during a campaign commercial for stem cells, was inconsiderate enough to not control his disease, and instead continued shaking as he normally does. Satan's one true son Limbaugh proudly put Fox in his place by mocking his violent seizures, making jokes about his condition and broadcasting that on his web site. It was Rush's proudest moment in life.
In contrast the cowardly Fox did not have the guts to retaliate by reminding America that Rush was dangerously obese, had no college education, was deaf and had a broken penis. Oh wait, he DOESN'T have a penis. Sorry folks. Probably why he loves cockmeat sandwich so much.
Later that year Rush accidentally ate Fox during a hot dog eating contest.
It should be noted that "Fox" in the previous sentence refers to Michal J. Fox, not the news station. Rush did attempt to eat Fox News Network on April 7th, 1996, but station managers managed to direct him towards the NBC stations instead. The station managers were able to take him to NBC by slathering Al Sharpton in barbecue sauce and dangling him from a large metal pole as a lure.
Supper (also known as Seventh meal): see also
- Howard Stern – without who-who-whom Rush Limbaugh would never exist
- Sean Hannity – world's biggest Rush Limbaugh brown-noser
- Matt Moore – illegitimate gay/bi-curious nephew of the paternal side of the Limbaugh family.
Post-Supper Supper: Worthless Trivia Worth It
- His hobbies include exercising his 2nd Amendment rights by using school children as target practice, fucking dogs, and waiting in airport Men's bathrooms for hot gay sex from U.S. Senators and random strangers.
- Rush Limbaugh gets an orgasm every time he refers to the Democrats as the "Democrat Party". As a result, Rush has to change his underwear about 500 times during the course of his show.
- Ding dong, Rush is deaf. Which old witch? That big fat wicked BITCH. Ding dong, Rush Limbaugh has gone deaf. I hope he can't hear himself and quit his radio program.
Ninth Meal: References
- ↑ Ha, ha. Just kidding. I just wanted to shake your soda.