Rush

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Rush is a progressive Rock band from Canada — specifically the vast canned foods aisle that is Toronto.

The band consists of Geddy Lee, who plays bass and keyboards, Alex Lifeson (real name Alexandar Zafjskdfllski), who plays guitar, and Neil Peart, the drummer. Vocals from 1974-1991 were performed by a castrated humanoid pig named Gerald, until Geddy finally passed age 8 and grew a pair (see HowTo:Be A Man). At this point it was too late, because nobody cared anymore.

edit The Beginning

Originally, Rush consisted of Gerald, Geddy Lee, Alex Lifeson, and a drummer who's name will not be mentioned simply due to the fact that he is not Neil Peart. Together, they released a blues-rock album produced by a Terry Brown, finding moderate success with the single "Working Gran", a song Geddy wrote about his grandma that was too senile to realize she could retire. After this, non-Neil Peart Drummer left because Alex Lifeson forgot to close the refrigerator door properly, leading the drummer to ravage the leftover cake and somehow develop diabetes. This led Geddy and Alex to look for a new drummer, which they found in the walking, talking, and occasionally hallucinating drum machine, Prof. Neil Peart. Peart also became the group's lyricist, because Geddy would only write about things he saw on saturday morning cartoons.

edit Prog Era

“God, imagine if we had to play like that now? What a pain in the ass.”
~ Geddy Lee, circa 1987 on 2112

Pitying the current state of the band, the Professor decided to give the band a shake-up in every sense of the word. This could only happen if the other members had some serious playing skills. Thus, using the powers bestowed upon him by God himself, Peart gave Geddy amazing bass talent, to Terry good production skills, Gerald a 5-octave range, and to Alex he gave knowledge of more than 3 power chords. This winning combo gave birth to several albums:

edit Dry By Night

"Dry By Night" was what the Professor told Geddy after he wet his pajamas. It was apparently a good enough title to satisfy the meandering cocaine addicts at Mercury records. The album included several good songs, such as the title track itself, Randthem, an ode to Ayn Rand, Peart's idol, and their first epic, Va-Sectomy and The Slow Dog. The song was about the time Alex's dog had to be sterilized, because it's entire litter suffered from various degrees of retardation.

edit Carcasess of Seals

The election of Jimmy Carter resulted in the lackluster effort, "Carcasses of Seals". This questionable title was developed when Terry Brown brought Geddy to the zoo, and witnessed how dead seals were used to make food for pigeons and rats. This shocked Geddy, as he himself had seal relatives in Winnipeg. The resulting album is seen as the band's first meddling into long-ass music, also known as Prog Rock, with two epics, The Retromancer, an ode to disco, and The Fountain of Lard Breath: a song inspired by Alex Lifeson's lard addiction, which is also the explanation of why he is so fat now.

edit 2112

After the disappointing sales of Carcasess of Seals, the cokeheads at Mercury pushed them to create something, in their words, "a-ah-ahhh-AHH *SNIFF* liTtlE morrreee acceSsibleeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEE...". As the rebels that they were, they gave Mercury the finger and wrote their most sprawling, epic, and long song, 2112. The plot, as explained by a severely annoyed Neil Peart: "It's about a dystopian future set in 2112 where everything is controlled by the Priests of the Temple of Siri. Then a man finds a dvd with Windows 95, and presents it to the priests. The priests are pissed, and destroy the last copy of Windows 95, leading the man to become depressed because he can't play Fallout 2. After a while, the idiots at Microsoft launch an invasion on the country and take over. Can I have my money now?" Unbeknownst to all except nerds and stakers of Rush, there is a rumor of a b-side. The names and subjects of these songs are even more shrouded in darkness than the very existence of the songs, which is why I can't give them a stupid name and make up some crap about it.

edit A Farewell To Bing

Invigorated by their recent efforts, the band released their next album, a Farewell to Bing. The album takes a nostalgic look at the earlier, virus-y (YOUR FLASH PLAYER IS OR09-UTDATED) days of Windows, where you were not greeted by a psychotic, wannabe siri, if not the warm, glowing image of Microsoft shareholders laughing at your peasant ass. The album also included the strikingly depressing Closer To The Processor, which details how a computer virus moves closer and closer to the processor, eventually causing the scenic blue screen. The last song is divided into two parts, but with the second part coming on the next release, much like Microsoft products themselves.

edit See also

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