Rupert Murdoch
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
The Prince of Darkness — the ultimate purveyor of all things wicked, vile, and malevolent — has personally reviewed this article. The submitter and all subsequent editors are damned to eternal torment in hellfire
Considering selling your soul? For great rates call 1-800-666-EVIL.
Rupert "Rupert Murdoch" Murdoch (also known as the Foxfather), born in 1901, Aberystwyth, South territory - Australia, is the controller of Fox News, Skynet, and numerous tabloids all over the world. He has always been the Director-General of the Ministry of Truth and owns most of the western world.
His interests include animal cruelty, stamping on fluffy kittens, Huffing Kittens, stealing human souls, strangling dogs and sudoku. His favourite food is babies and would like to meet someone of similar interests for fun, romance, electrical stimulation and maybe more...
Murdoch, whose names sounds ever-so-slightly like MURDER, has received a rating of 99.73% on the Belmonet-Lenner scale of evil, narrowly behind the all-time high score of 99.81% achieved by the notorious serial-killing transvestite, Mr. M. Thatcher of Grantham.
Operating from his 7-story council house in Croydon, Murdoch survives by licking the mould from damp rocks. This means Murdoch, and his life-partner Chewbacca, would be extremely malnourished if it were not for their daily feed of the aforementioned human souls (which are actually quite juicy and nutritious).
He also controls the famous nastiness for the MySpace name, watching the pederasts and mentally-ill teenagers that participate of this community.
Contents |
[edit] Biography
Rupert's story begins with the conspicuous celebration of a normally secretive wizarding world. For many years, it had been terrorised by the evil wizard, Lord Voldemort. The previous night, on 31 October, Voldemort discovers the Murdoch family's hidden refuge, killing Elisabeth and Keith Murdoch. However, when he attempts to murder their infant son, Rupert, the Avada Kedavra killing curse he casts rebounds upon him. Voldemort's body is destroyed, but his spirit survives: he is neither dead nor alive. Meanwhile, the orphaned Rupert is left with a distinctive lightning bolt-shaped scar on his forehead, the only physical sign of Voldemort's curse. Rupert is the only known survivor of the killing curse, and Voldemort's mysterious defeat causes the wizarding community to dub Rupert "The Boy Who Lived".
[edit] Early years
Murdoch himself was born in Melbourne, Australia, but has since moved to the Heavens to look down on his joint creation with God. Rupert Murdoch inherited much of the media from his Dad, and, as he grew older, bought it all. After getting a PhD in Propaganda and How To Indoctrinate The Entire Population Of Earth Into Thinking Whatever The Fuck You Feel, Murdoch resumed his position as Ultimate Leader Of The Media, and soon managed to be a total bastard. He now owns the media of the UK, USA, Australia, Middle Earth, Russia and just about everywhere else.
In the Russian speaking world Murdoch is affectionately known as Laponchik, the anti-christ and herald of the end of days. He was, famously, responsible for the meltdown of Chernobyl which left the surrounding area a desolate radioactive wasteland. Eye-witness reports say that Murdoch and his lover, Chewbacca, roamed the scorched countryside for several weeks, feasting on the souls of the blistered dying inhabitants.
In 2000 the Fox News programme, Propaganda On The Hour conducted an impartial interview with the man that they described as Our glorious and beloved Fuhrer in which they confronted him over these allegations. Murdoch, in an uncharacteristically honest response, admitted that he had been responsible and, in regard to his having gorged himself on the souls of the dying, remarked, simply, that he found them to be, 'finger-licking good'.
[edit] Those who spawned him
Murdoch's parents were born in Australia, but emigrated to Mordor after their extended family were killed by evil bloodsucking communists. However, there exists a theory that Murdoch was not actually born but was grown on the back of some kind of space turtle. When questioned about this theory, Murdoch seemed unwilling to discuss the subject, preferring to retreat into his scaly, scaly shell.
Murdoch has several thousand eggs waiting to hatch all over the globe. To date, only two of these eggs have hatched: that of the Taco Nazi and that of James Murdoch, who heroically pointed out the grave threat the expansion of the BBC presented to Democracy in Britain (unlike News Corporation's expansion to control every major newspaper in Britain, which only enabled it to further the causes of truth and justice). Murdoch promptly disowned the former when he came out as a bread-based tapas accoutrement.
Murdoch is the third cousin (once removed) of Baron Silas Greenback.
[edit] Employment
20th Century doctors diagnosed Murdoch with "being a total wanker," and forced him to work in The Acid Mines for 6 years. However, Murdoch was fired from this job for eating his co-workers. During the investigation, however, Murdoch was acquitted of all charges due to the Judge's "new financial situation". The Judge now owns Jamaica.
In 1979, he stumbled on the new art of 'making tabloids that lie about stuff'; he now contends, however, that no newspaper under his control has ever printed anything other than the plain, unvarnished truth, but that reality is often found to be erroneous.
Murdoch currently keeps the Earth spinning on behalf of God himself. At one point in the eighties he gave an ultimatum to the governments of the world that he would stop the world spinning, thus crippling the world economic franchise (and killing every living thing on the planet), unless they stroked him provocatively.
[edit] Recent Acquisitions
Well on his way to total control of the world's media, Murdoch most recently paid to castrate the only free business news outlet, Dow Jones, which he plans to use exclusively as the newspaper and magazine arm of his first media venture, Al-Jazeera. "I've always been fond of my old, Arabic television roots. They do reality TV so much better over there. Unfortunately, 'American Infidel' just didn't seem to get off the ground in the states; I don't think viewers responded particularly well when we "beheaded Kelly Clarkson
Murdoch shot to fame, yet again, during the 2008 US election, when it was announced that he had purchased Mr. Hilary 'Hitlery' Clinton for an undisclosed sum. When quizzed about his choice of aquisition he remarked, 'She's a tidy center-forward, as long as we can move the ball up the pitch and maintain a good back line to support her she'll do well.
It is reported that Mr. Clinton is 'very popular in the after match bath' and his antics have been the subject of tabloid attention.
[edit] His Relationship with Asylum Seekers
Many recent political theorists have noted that being an immigrant himself, Murdoch would be more predisposed to a compassionate policy on asylum and immigration. However, such a supposition ignores Murdoch's already existing predisposition to making money, collecting the severed heads of black people and making money.
[edit] Black People
According to Murdoch's various medias, they are the root of all evil and are out to get whitey, although it is believed that Rupert Murdoch cannot see black people due to a colour-vision defect picked up while transmogrifying into avian form for tax purposes.
[edit] His Views on Knitting
“Aldous Huxley”
~ Ending is better than mending. on Communism
Rupert Murdoch believes that knitting does not belong in the American Dream. He believes that time is money, and knitting takes too much time. He is in favour of knitted clothing produced en masse in large factories, or by the delicate, nimble hands of children in third world countries.
[edit] His Views on Law and Order
Rupert Murdoch would like to see the complete abolition of the welfare state and the immediate reinstatement of the death penalty, flogging, the whip, the chain, torture, ball gags, PVC catsuits and much more discipline for naughty, naughty people.
[edit] His Sexuality
Rupert Murdoch's sexuality has come under some scrutiny of late, given his interesting relationships with seagulls, and his more recent love affair with a giant, 8ft tall wookie. He did score major street cred by snagging the very boob-tactular Liz Claman from CNBC, thus showing the world that there's room for a hot redhead in his world-class stable of hot (but dumb) blonde chicks (some of whom are real blondes. We checked.).
[edit] His hard-earned media reputation
Back in the day, social conservatives and the religious right hated Murdoch for his (at first) "sleazy" television programs on prime-time slots in the early days of the FOX network. Then something happened when he got to meet one concerned Michigan housewife and mother who wrote to FOX in the late 1980's that she hated Married...With Children for being too sexually explicit, and after a few minutes (wink, wink)...she and the whole right-wing changed their minds about Murdoch and his television network niche. Now I see what happened, if it weren't for FOX Network's sleaziness, you wouldn't have Fox News channel to cater to the same kinds of people who once jeered Murdoch's media enterprise.
[edit] Views on Propaganda
| Its not misinformation, if there’s a seed of truth, now if that seed been stood on by a fickin dingo bummer, what then, well any "Aussie Bushman" will tell you that it's about making up the best of what you think you've got. That for me is journalism. |
[edit] Dealings with Reptilian Humanoids
Many sources report having seen Mr Murdoch fraternising most raucously on numerous occasions with "shifty looking beings 6 or maybe 8 feet tall, with scaly green skin, extremely long and forked tongues, and an uncanny resemblance to John McCain" Having ruled out the possibility that he was merely visiting his relatives (found to be busy at the time with their tadpoles), a hypothesis was formed by a leading scientist in this field that he was in fact, negotiating some kind of dodgy deal with reptilian humanoids. Leads remain sketchy of what this deal may consist of, but popular consensus among peers seems to be that he has been a long time member of the Illuminati, bears some kind of allegiance to these alien creatures, and may indeed be sub-letting certain parts of the earth for them to Inhabit to facilitate a smoother transition into the New World Order. Others, however, believe this to be a load of old cobblers and continue to watch the news, and read the papers.
[edit] See also
