Running back

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In football, a running back is a Japanese style ninja who is a master of the martial arts. The running back must use their skills in Jujitsu, Taekwondo, and Karate to injure anyone who tries to wrestle them to the ground. Running backs must employ the techniques of stealth, espionage, and assassination to make it appear they weren't really there. Running backs also must defend the quarterback from any hostile barbarians looking to pillage villages and sack cities.

edit Training of the running back

Karate football

Picture of a running back learning a lesson.

In the NFL, running backs are imported from Nigeria on Spanish slave ships to Japan, where in their early childhood, they learn the ninja arts of feudal Japan. Every morning, the children are taken out to the courtyard, where they must defend themselves from an invading Mongol army of pedophiles using nothing but a bamboo stick. Most of the children are captured by the Mongolians and never seen again, while an elite few are able to survive the invasion day after day. Those who manage to fend off the Mongolians without losing all their limbs are treated to a generous breakfast of raw seaweed cake and tofu pie.

After breakfast, the disciples must hike 300 miles to Mount Fuji, Japan's highest peak, and carry a 600 pound Korean woman all the way to the top. The boys are not allowed to eat dinner or come back to the village until they finish this task, and anyone who is caught cheating is beaten with a bamboo stick for 3 hours repeatedly. The boys eat a dinner of whale flippers and shark nose, and before going to bed at 6 in the afternoon, must pray at a Shinto temple for five hours.

The few who survive and reach adulthood are shipped to the United States and Canada, where universities sign them to contracts to play college football for them. While some are successful and play in the NFL, those unsuccessful must play Arena Football, or even worse, Canadian Football.

edit Characteristics of the running back in American football

Running backs can vary greatly in size. There are two types of running backs: those who are abnormally small and run fast, and those who are morbidly obese enough to be lineman. The smaller running backs are frequently less than 5 feet in height, and weigh only 85 pounds, while the larger running backs eat Big Macs for every single meal.

edit Small running backs

Small running backs, though easy to bring down, have radar senses which allow them to outflank and outmaneuver defenders. Small running backs can run at speeds up to 70 miles per hour. Small running backs also can jump over defenders and crawl under the legs of lineman. Small running backs are especially dangerous because they can't be seen while hiding behind offensive lineman, and have the power of invisibility.

There are two main types of small running backs: butterbacks and karatebacks. Butterbacks are named so because they are extremely slippery and nearly impossible to tackle. Butterbacks are notable from other running backs because butterbacks sweat and bleed butter. To maintain their slipperyness, butterbacks bathe in bathtubs full of butter and eat butter with every meal. Butterbacks are extremely prone to crime seeing as they are able to evade the police withe ease. Karatebacks are small backs whose main objective isn't to run the ball, but to disarm defenders both figuratively and literally. A common play used when a karateback in in the backfield is the 41 Kick Hold Punch Right, in which the running back runs a sweep to the right and the karate back goes up to a linebacker, roundhouse kicks them as hard as they can, then punches them in the face while a teammate is holding them. Karatebacks have been know to rip defenders arms off in fits of passion.

edit Large running backs

Large running backs run over any defender who dares approach them. Large running backs don't just want to score touchdowns, but also injure every single linebacker on the opposing team's roster. Large running backs enjoy dealing out punitive hits, and carry around a whip to lash people with. Bloody cleat marks are seen on the back of any defensive back who even dares tackle them. A large running back is like an unstoppable train filled with rapists, crushing everything in its path.

edit Characteristics of the running back in Canadian football


Picture of a Canadian running back. Just don't throw food at it, or it might bite your head off.

Canadian football running backs are noticeably different from American football ones, because of the sparse regulations on drugs. Canada has some of the cheapest medication in the world, and their sports clearly reflect it. Asians also have a greater influence in society, and teams such as the BC Lions spend 2 days a week practicing Asian martial arts.

edit Weird, insane guy who runs around before the ball is even snapped

Have you ever watched Canadian football and wondered who that maniac is who constantly runs around the field like they're on meds? That is not a hooligan; that's the weird, insane guy who runs around the field before the ball is even snapped. Most of these guys are drunk rugbymen, who, even though a lot more dangerous than the average sober running back, are prized for their aggressiveness and disregard for their own bodies. Drunk running backs are immune to pain and are not afraid to get tackled. These weird, insane maniacs usually drink a special type of Gatorade with 10% alcohol just to stay drunk, but there are some running backs who don't need to drink any beer to be the weird, insane guy who starts running before the ball is snapped.

edit Normal guy who doesn't move until the ball is snapped

There aren't any of these in Canadian football.

edit See also

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