RuneScape
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
RuneScape | |
|---|---|
| Designer | Communist Party of Britain |
| Genre | MMO--(g) |
| Version | |
| ESRB Rating | 13+, provided that the player has been kept in an isolated, sanitary room for entirety of life. |
| Number of Players | More than World of Warcraft. Ha! |
| Addiction Rate | Irrelevant. The JRS hunt you down and kill you if you try to quit. |
| System Requirements | 25KB RAM, 3.25Mhz Processor, Commodore 63+, poor knowledge of human rights. |
| Inputs | Keyboard, Mouse, Speaker, Social Status, Health, Sanity. |
"Cancel the fan-club."
"This is like crack cocaine but with carpal tunnel instead of cardiac arrest...if this goes mainstream, drug-related deaths will drastically decrease."
“Due to your infringement of rule [], your account, [], has been temporarily banned from RuneScape.”
~ Mod [] on your RuneScape account
RuneScape is a MMO(g) produced by Jagex (Juvenile Gaming Experiments), a mediocre gaming company based in Cambridge, England. The game features many different quests, skills, and enemies. RuneScape is available to all players aged over thirteen. It should be noted the game is ran using controversial management policies, as is evident from itd logo.
Contents |
History and Development
DeviousMUD
    
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| This counter represents the number of RuneScape
players who quit since you started reading this article. |
The forerunner to RuneScape, DeviousMUD, was created by Cambridge drop-out Andrew Gower, a programmer who passionately supported Marxism and whose aim in life was to "make Britain Communist again". DeviousMUD was created as an experiment: Andrew wished to see if the demographics and economics of an MMORPG were similar enough to Real Life to use as a testing programme for Communism. He concluded that they were, and then immediately decided to start work on a full scale game, which he lovingly christened RuneScape.
Improvement
In 2003, Andrew founded Jagex, a gaming company formed from the dregs of society, to do his bidding. With his now huge labour force, work increased at a rapid pace. Firstly, and most importantly, the game's graphics were revamped into glorious 2D, hailing the arrival of 'RuneScape 2'.
In 2007, the game underwent other important changes: the removal of trade; the removal of Player Killing and other ways to rapidly transfer wealth; and the addition of The Grand Exchange, a system whereby Jagex have absolute control over the economy, enabling them to dictate prices at will. This sparked widespread disruption and numerous riots. Jagex claimed that the unpopularity of these decisions was to combat Real World Trading; what they did not inform their player base was that the problem had been created by Jagex, in order to provide an adequate excuse and explanation for implementing communist policies.
It was also announced in late 2007 that Jagex would be releasing a 'glitchy' version of RuneScape called BlechScape. A beta was even released on 1 July 2008. This project was cancelled, however, as a glitch wherein green party hats did not show the full extent of the 'medium-length cropped quiff' hairstyle caused widespread rioting.
RuneScape today
Immediately after the aforementioned updates, RuneScape's graphics were entirely remade in order to distract players from their anger. Due to the stupidity of the average RuneScape player, it was very successful. In early 2008, Andrew decided the time was right to fully implement Communism. He banned discussion of canned meat (known as Spam), religion, and politics. He also implemented a censor to prevent discussion of Taboo topics. Unknowingly, these updates caused the game to revert back to its pre-update graphics, or the 'normal' graphics of RuneScape, as the code that was used to update its graphics was very flimsy and was easily manipulated by (obviously accidental) means of the backspace button. The average players of RuneScape complained that their beloved 'RuneScape HD' had disappeared, but Jagex just decided that maybe it was better to not further advance the graphics just yet, and left RuneScape as is. It was soon announced, however, that Jagex were not currently looking to further advance the environment of RuneScape, but rather that of their new game coming in 2009.
Despite this apparent change of heart on the part of Jagex, the majority of players still see RuneScape as a Socialist game, and many have begun to bring it to attention of the gaming community by pDespite osting videos or blogging about it. We can see below how willing some paranoid souls are to denounce RuneScape's management based on the smallest of things.
Future development
Andrew leaked in a news announcement that he planned to restrict all players to using a limited choice of sentences by January 2009. Also on the agenda for Jagex is the addition of the Compulsory Wealth Redistribution System, a system whereby all coins in the game are collected to a central pool and shared equally amongst all players.
Management
As already mentioned, Jagex originally created RuneScape in order to observe the effects of imposing a totalitarian communist regime upon a society. They are therefore obliged to treat players with callous indifference and detachment, often exhibiting gross miscarriages of justice, such as muting players for "flooding the chatbox" when they begin to type. Indeed, this has reached such an extent that upon the arrival of a Jagex Moderator in any given server, the world is empty after an estimated time of twelve seconds.
Player Moderators
Player Moderators are players whom Jagex entrusts to wield certain powers for the good of the community. Said powers include faster responses to customer support queries, access to otherwise restricted forums and message boards, the ability to permanently or temporarily mute players, a feature that enables them to view players' homes through a spy-camera fitted in a mandatorily installed poster of Andrew Gower, diplomatic immunity, and License To Kill.
Jagex recruit Player Moderators by monitoring the number of abuse reports received from players. Upon account creation all players are entered in a "Snitch League", in which the number of times they report instances of rule-breaking is tallied; each day, the top ten players on the list are selected for Modship. As the content and accuracy of the reports is disregarded as unimportant, it is not unheard of for players to become moderators within hours of completing the tutorial, simply by spam-clicking the 'report abuse' button in the corner of the screen; but the irony of this is somewhat lessened by the fact that majority of players quit within seconds anyway, meaning a relatively small number of reports need to be filed to reach the top of the league.
Content
Despite Jagex's maintainence that RuneScape if for players of all ages and their continued marketing of the game towards pre-adolescents, the game features strong elements of pornography and BDSM. Female players' clothing, when put on, is automatically cut, revealing the chest, upper breasts, stomach, and much of the legs. This even occurs with armour, despite the obvious dangers of stripping during combat.
Another adult element is the inclusion of sex whips. On a members' server as many as one in five players can be seen carrying a whip, often in addition to scanty clothing. The 'Wilderness' also features a rather disturbing minigame known as Cage Wars, which is simply too lewd to elaborate upon here.
Players may also partake in an unlimited number of sex changes, using an unqualified surgeon who calls him/herself the "Makeout Mage". Not only is this extremely dangerous, but it also has a severe negative impact on the social environment: Sexually Transmitted Infections, promiscuity, and trans-gender sexuality are rife in the RuneScape community.
This sort of content has caused problems among players. The vast majority, spending their lives in their mothers' basements, have no experience of sex, and many have not seen a member of the opposite gender in up to ten years. Male players, therefore, are often sufferers of premature ejaculation, and the obvious stimulation contained in RuneScape makes playing difficult for such people, if not unenjoyable.
Membership
After playing RuneScape for some time, Jagex begin to spam players with pop-up ads featuring shock pornography, much similar to what one would be able to find on Encyclopedia Dramatica, bugging the player to enroll in a "Pay-to-play scheme" (not to be confused with L. Ron Hubbard's hugely successful Pay-to-pray scheme). After ignoring the first instance of this marketing ploy, players then realize that Jagex were serious: their account is locked until they enroll in membership.
Membership brings many extra features to RuneScape, such as the chance to view raw Javascript leaking from a hole in the ground and opportunities to bask in admiration from non-members when visiting free servers.
Economy
The Economy of RuneScape revolves around three basic principles: I Want It Now, I Want It Quick, and I Don't Care If I Lose Money. This base apathy has lead to the Grand Exchange, RuneScape's answer to Wall Street, selling items at only the lowest price margin and buying them at the highest. Naturally, therefore, items produced by players end up at a lower price than raw materials, meaning that almost any productive economic activity is not only dead but buried six-hundred metres under a desecrated gravestone.
Effects of Real-World Trading
No matter what Jagex say on the matter, the frequency of gold-farming--a system wherein underpaid East-Asian youthes work in sweatshops to obtain online gold, then sell it for real money to hardcore geeks--has made RuneScape gold an accepted real world currency. One can take the password of a RuneScape account with money in the bank to any Bureau d'exchange and have it transfered into one's local currency. Jagex, spineless as they are away from their comfort zone, have yet to raise an objection.
The irony of this situation is further highlighted when it is noted that as most gamers are obsessive enough to sacrifice basic amenities in order to continue gaming in the current economic climate, RuneScape's economy has gone from strength to strength at the Wall Street stock market. Indeed, in the economic year ending in October 2008, RuneScape's GNP was estimated to approximately 300% higher than that of Ethiopia. One RuneScape gp is currently valued at approximately 0.15 US cents, putting the value of the in-game bank of Zezima, RuneScape's most successful player, at approximately US $2,600,600.00: over seventy times what a typical Sudanese farmer earns in a lifetime.
Community
Rules
Jagex have implemented a number of rules into RuneScape, designed to make the game enjoyable for everyone. The precise number and content of rule book is a source of some disagreement amongst the community, largely because most players are afraid of viewing the rules, as they believe that they have been braking several simply by playing the game.
Most infringements are punished by the simple means of preventing log-ins or account creation from the IP address of a plyer whose account has broken the rules; however, Jagex have devised more creative punishments for some infringements.
Naturally, due to the proportions of the rulebook, it cannot be explained in full here, but Uncyclopedia has produced a brief guide to RuneScape's crime and punishment.
Rule 1: No Offensive Language
Use of any words Jagex finds inappropriate is strictly prohibited; a chat filter is in place to prevent this rule, but Jagex like to ban people for it anyway. The chat filter is programmed to prevent players from saying many words: said words include "Cunt", "Piss", "Damn", "Fool", "Cheat", "@@@", "romance", "WoW", and "Hello". Also you're not allowed to say "google" for some reason. No doubt the lacklustre chumbawumbas at Jagex found this hilarious, but due to it, a player once had to endure a great deal of confusion. You just don't think of anyone but yourself do you?
Cheating Rule 1: Many players have tried countless ways to cheat Rule 1, including saying things like "F (_) ( |<" and "( 0 ( |<" and "|8 A |_ |_ S" but most of the time these didn't even work and it just made the players look like dumbasses.
Punishment: Player who break this rule have their usernames changed to such profanities as "GenitalWart" or "GoatseMan", the intention of which is to teach them how offensive language hurts.
Rule 2: No Inappropriate Discussion
"Inappropriate discussion" includes such topics as religion, politics, and hentai. A full list of prohibited topics will not be provided here, as due to Jagex's slight over-protectivism in some areas, it would be much easier to list appropriate discussions. They are:
- Guitar Hero (only the first game);
- Halos 1 and 2;
- Socks;
- Waffles with maple syrup (no butter allowed);
- The Outer Mongolian Women's Darts Championships;
- Windows Vista (home edition only);
- The 2004 FA Cup Final (up to the last twelve minutes);
- Non-GM broccoli;
- The downfall of the Soviet Union and the Theory of Evolution.
Punishment: Players who have such discussions are forced to attend a thirty hour lecture on censorship, from which they emerge ready to serve Jagex in a better way. They are then banned.
Rule 3: No Over-leveling
One of RuneScape's most controversial rules, this is seen as the primary source of evidence for in-game Marxism. RuneScape players are unaware that an XP-cap is in place; when any member of the community's rate of combat experience game exceeds a certain level, an alert is sent to Big Gower, who then proceeds to order to JRS to bring the player to Jagex HQ for 'questioning'. They are rarely seen again.
Punishment: Players who infringe upon this rule are paraded around Varrock in chains and bands bearing the label "Capitalist Pig". Noobs are invited to pelt them with cabages and iron nails.
Rule 4: NO Third-Party Software
This rule states that no players may utilize any Third Party software to the play RuneScape, Jagex-approved macros the exception. Jagex's definiton of illicit software encompasses gold-farming bots, SwiftSwitch, most Internet Browsers, and Operating Systems other than Windows.
Punishment: Offenders undergo extensive Lobotomy; they then have a microchip implanted in their head, programming them to repeatedly hit themselves with frying pans until inevitable braindeath ensues. If a frying pan is not available, a cheese grater may be used, though a glitch in the original version of the programme caused people to report Jagex to the United Nations.
Servers
RuneScape has over 150 servers located around the world, each supporting 2,000 players. On occasion as many of 15 servers have known to be operational simultaneously, giving a peak maximum capacity of around 30,000. The large level of server blackouts experienced by Jagex has been attributed to the behaviour of its staff: live electrical wires are routinely used as torture devices for disobedient employees, and the poor quality of the cooling mechanism in the computer used to power the server enables it to be used as a cooking device for many foodstuffs--a situation which the Jagex team happily exploit.
Reception
Though the government of the United Kingdom are not officially aware of the existence of RuneScape, it has been criticized by the UN for its notoriously extreme political stance, and several reports regarding disappearances amongst RuneScape players who quit to play other MMORPGs have been filed.
Another point worthy of mention is the fact that Jagex employ a 'Secret Police', known as the Jagex Riot Squad, whose job it is to track down players who have neglected to pay their membership fees on time, and then to forcibly extract money from their (now-deceased) person. Despite this ruthless behaviour RuneScape's management receives little to no media attention, as most journalists are afraid that reporting stories about RuneScape will result in their being shunned as geeks.
See Also
- HowTo:Cheat on RuneScape[1]
- World of Warcraft
- Crack-Cocaine
- HowTo:Rehabilitate after playing RuneScape (if you happen to play RuneScape)
For more information, visit the official RuneScape Wiki.
Notes
- ↑ On second thoughts, we recommend you don't try this. Jagex are watching you.
| MMORPGs |
| AaTraders | Action 52 | AdventureQuest | Asheron's Call | City of Heroes | Everquest II | Eternal Lands | Final Fantasy XI | Internet (video game) | Kingdom of Loathing | Lord of the Rings Online | Maple Story | Progress Quest | RuneScape | Star Trek Online | Tibia | UnQuest | World of Warcraft | World of Whorecraft |
| Future: War of Worldcraft | Animal Crossing III |
