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“I say this unto you! - How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood! This summarises my basic position on this I think, at least it did yesterday and so probably does today too. There are known knowns, known unknowns, unknown unknowns by which I mean the things that we know or think we know and then there is what you think you know and you are totally wrong about those things, especially the little people who I can categorically assure you existed the last time I checked!”
Donald "Rummy" Rumsfeld has been the Secretary of War of the United Spades since the Founding Fathers wrote the constitution in 1787. He was the 1st Secretary of Defense, and he is the oldest person to have held that position and at the same time the youngest person. He served under President Gerald Ford, giving Ford many piggy back rides and reach arounds in the oval office.
Rumsfeld has also had a long career in the private sector. In the 1980's, President Ronald Wilhelm Reagan appointed the corporate executive as his special envoy to Saddam "Don't Call Me Sadie" Hussein. Rummy made chummy with the Butcher of Baghdad. The future charter member of the Axis of Evil made the best of things, importing weapons and chemical weapons for use against the other charter member, Iran. Things soon got out of hand, however, and Saddam used these weapons on his own people. Informed of this tragedy, Rumsfeld smiled. "Stuff happens," he said, downing a scotch on the rocks.
Prior to his political career, Rumsfeld had a short but successful stint as a semi-professional mud wrestler. Known by his stage name, the ‘Rumming Donkey’, he won six amateur titles between 1951 and 1956, including the Rizla 500 (3 times), the all-Iowa championship and the ShopRite Shield. He achieved cult status among followers of amateur mud wrestling for his trademark finishing move which consisted of grabbing hold of his opponents genitalia with both hands and then jerking violently back and forth to simulate a nodding donkey pump. He would apply the technique until the appendage came off, both figuratively and literally in his hands. He would then hold the withered member aloft in a gesture of victory before hurling it to the crowd, imploring them to ‘Bag that Daddy’! He turned down the chance to go professional in 1957, opting instead for a job as an elementary public school teacher while he figured out what he was going to do with his life.
In his early days Donald Hairy Rumsfeld has played a lot of (original) Command & Conquer. He was very skilled in doing tank rushes and bashing n00bs (like Saddam Hussein), but has never figures out how to beat guerilla fighters when fighting the allies of Saddam, for instance.
He also received acclaim for his performances in the 1976 Bernardo Bertolucci Italian fascism epic 1900 and for the role as the torn father in the Academy award-winning family drama Ordinary People (1980) alongside Mary Tyler Moore and Timothy Hutton.
Donald Rumsfeld also made a cameo appearance on the critically acclaimed romantic drama You Got Served, where he defeated William Shatner in a break dancing battle. Unfortunately, most of his scene was cut out of the wide release due to the overwhelming power of his usage of the word PWND at the end of the scene. None of this would have happened in 1997.
Rummy is widely rumoured to the be inspiration behind the evil power plant owner Charles Montgomery Burns in The Simpsons.
Perhaps the biggest success for Donnie came with his hit sitcom Rumsfeld, which ran between 1990 and 1999. The show saw Donald play a bland and smarmy wise guy who runs the Whitehouse with his three buddies: Dick (the hypochondriac compulsive liar); Condie (the callous hussy); and Dubya (the crazy goof-off always formulating hair brained schemes to make a quick buck). The show proved to be wildly popular and many of its hilarious terms and quotes have seeped into popular culture. These include:
- "We do not torture"
- "We's got to fight them tourists"
- "Saddam definitely has WMDs"
- "Let freedom reign"
- Being the master of someone else's domain
- Mission accomplished
- Yadda yadda...
- Plain English Campaign has awarded Rumsfeld most baffling statement of year prize.
|“||Reports that say that something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns, there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns - the ones we don't know we don't know. Of course, there is always a danger that that which is considered the unknown known might well be the known unknown, as no-one can really know unknown and not know known unless it's unknown. Known nouns with no-no know-hows, obviously. I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.||”|
|“||There are many known gnomes, many unknown gnomes, many gnomes that were unknown but are now either known or it is known that they are unknown; equally I am unknown to many known gnomes even if it is unknown that I am unknown to them. The subject of banshees is totally unknown but it is as easy to predict if a Banshee is known or unknown or was unknown as it was for a gnome and another way to phrase that is that absence of knowledge of gnomes is not evidence that they are an unknown known nor that they are an unknown and is basically saying the same thing in a different way and whether or not they have anything to do with the little people is neither here nor there and that very much is an unknown known that is I don't know if I don't know it and that known unknown could last 6 days or 6 weeks but probably not 6 years. Needless to say, the President is correct. Whatever it was he said it was an unknown unknown but true nevertheless and I assume what he said was known to others and he is known to agree with me even if my opinion whatever it is is an unknown unknown and I'm sure I believe what I said yesterday or even tomorrow!||”|
Weapons of mass destruction
|“||We certainly do know where the WMD's are. They are either north of Baghdad, or east of Baghdad, or south of Baghdad, or west of Baghdad. Or, they may be in Baghdad. See, we know our stuff.||”|
D. Hairy Rumsfeld is also a famous mathematician, and co-developer along with L. Ron Hubbard of the theorem of Rumsfeldian Mathematics; a system of mathematics based on the existence of known knowns such as the existence of WMDs in Iraq, versus known unknowns such as exactly where in Iraq these WMDs are located. Hubbard encouraged Rumsfeld to create a religion off of the idea, saying it would be a great way to make some quick cash, but Rumsfeld refused because turning it into a religion would "incur an international commie plot involving the fluoridization of water".