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“Rumour has it that my genius is being discussed.”
Rumour is the childhood of Truth. Or of Whatever Collaterally Damaging Nonsense. Yes, Malignant Factors lie watching its steps, eager to lead it astray, and then... history ends up as an obscure assignment nobody really cares for. Brave Uncyclopedians try to repair such casualties, but to no much avail... Rumour, just like its pal Humour, comes in types.
The childhood of Rumour
If you were paying attention, you wouldn't even bother to read this paragraph, since it has been said that Rumour IS the childhood of Truth etc... But since you obviously are reading this, we can as well continue.
Rumour's age can be spotted through the factor distance. The farther off a message is, the younger our laddie. Examples:
- I heard from an uncle of the sister-in-law of the cleaning lady of the counsellor of a businessman connected to the Board of Directors of "Strogov & Sons" that this company actually doesn't exist anymore.
Comment: very young Rumour, can go any which way, possibly to oblivion.
- I found on Uncyclopedia that "Strogov & Sons" doesn't exist anymore.
Comment: Rumour has gone through a happy period of healthy formation, and has been raised to Absloute Truth.
Deviation of Rumour
Some people make a living out of deviating young Rumour, since it has been proven that, performed by a Cunning Deviator, this is a sure way to power. Unless another Deviator is more cunning still.
A wholesome deviation of Rumour occurs when it forms a comic duet with its pal Humour, delivering nice gags that get through whatever insane extremist fundamentalist whateverist censoring. The grand total of those gags is 666:
- Three sketch routines that have been applauded ever since, and never cease to entertain most people around the globe, as well as those actually living on the globe. Yes, my dear, I'm talking about Nrs. 15, 72 and 356.
- 663 jokes nobody listens to, especially when the preacher is on his own to deliver them, and realizes, to his own expense, that they might have come across better if he had a straight man at his side.
Belongings of Rumour
Rumour is a wealthy child, which possibly attracts even more Cunning Deviators. Countless articles carry sentences beginning with Rumour has it... Alas, Cunning Deviators manage to explain those expressions as... rumour! That makes their task easier, and allows them to get ahold of Rumour's belongings.
Speed of Rumour
Sociologists have determined that Rumour indeed has a speed, and that it is exponential, meaning that Rumour will grow quickly, to the detriment of its surroundings, and will begin slowing its growth halfway through, depending on how many people speak of it. In other words, in order to cultivate Rumour efficiently, get as many people to comment on it as possible.
- ↑ And is as difficult to define, which makes it an excellent target for whatever lunatic Uncyclopedian on vacation.
- ↑ If, in spite of history ending up as an obscure assignment, you can lay hands on a history book, take them off it, open it, and read it. Really, nice things to be found there. Or browse through Uncyclopedia's fine articles.