Rugby League

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An attacking player attempts to evade two defenders.

Rugby League is a game played by individuals of questionable sexuality, most often in the eastern states of Straiya, Papua New Guinea, France, Tonga, Fiji, Russia, Lebanon, United States and United Kingdom. Invented as an alternative for athletes who do enjoy wearing shiny shorts but don't want the type of heart-pumping exercise that occurs in other sports. In much of the developed world, rugby union is rugby league’s arch-enemy. The game requires players to have a skull at least a foot thick and watching the game makes you want to remove and stir fry your own testicles out of boredom.

History

Birth

The game of Rugby League was created in 1895 when most of the rugby union players wanted a rugby code which would allow them to touch eachother more without it seeming too gay. As a result, a new organisation called Northern Union was established to cater for these common working class peasant oiks who should have been working down coal mines. Absolutely nothing to do with Australians at this time. In an attempt to deal with the unbelievably low IQ of the new sports players, variations of Rugby Union were introduced, or rather, removed from the sport. Whilst Rugby union retained its kicking game, Rugby League removed all these variants and made the sole purpose of the game to get the ball from one side of the field to the other and place it over the line without falling asleep. Rugby league purists maintain that if one can achieve this goal they should be therefore controversially branded as "skilled".

Growth of the Game

Originally, two teams contested the inaugural premiership: South Sydney Rabbits and Newtown Bluebags (later renamed Hip-Cool Cappucino Sippers). It soon expanded to an 8-team premiership as rugby players quickly realised that they get paid for actually playing rugby league. The other six teams were East Sydney Roasters, North Sydney Bares, Western Suburb Flannies, Marrickville Legends, Ettamogah Mob, English and some french fru fru powder puffs and quite a lot of maoris and other miscellaneous.

Golden Era

None thus far.

Uncle Rupert

Uncle Rupert from Lews Nimited decided he liked rugby league so much that he’d make his own competition called ‘Super Dicks’. As a result the game almost died.

Today

Today, the premier rugby league competition is run by the NRL, or “New South Wales and no other states allowed Rugby League” (not to be confused with Naval Research Laboratory). Other terms for it is "Night-clubbers & Racists League" or just simply "National Racists League". Called "one of the most 'male physical' sports in Australia and I like it" by Homosexual Australian MP Bob Brown.

International Scene

Rugby League is the most popular game in the world and is played by everyone, all of the time. No other sports exist. Just close your eyes and cover your ears, clap and count to three.

Clubs

Current Australian Clubs

The NRL currently features at least 16 teams, possibly more. NRL adminstrators aren’t really sure how may teams there are because they once set up a few teams in Adeliade and Perth but haven’t bothered to go over and check their progress. Listed at the bottom of the page are the current teams that we know of.

Former Clubs

Some clubs are no longer with us because Uncle Rupert from Lews Nimited had them exterminated by Teletubbies because they weren’t making quite enough money.

These groups are as follows:

  • Balmain Fighters
  • Dubbo Zoos
  • Hobart Brewers
  • Illawarra Tin-Man
  • Nerang/Birrong CityRail Trains
  • Newtown Hip-Cool Cappucino Sippers
  • North Sydney Labradors
  • North Ryde Numnuts
  • South Queensland/Towoomba Fuckers
  • Sydney University Hooters
  • Western Suburbs Bogans
  • Wet Toast Whatevers

Greatest Players

Rugby League players who reach a certain level of skill, speed and stamina automatically transform into "immortals". The immortalisation process starts in their gay little shorts and then spreads both north and south. Speech becomes coarse and the player will appear to be mentally retarded. This is most commonly followed by an uncontrollable desire to change sports, usually to one of a considerable higher salary and in which viewers actually attend games. Below is the list of immortals:

  1. Wally (Not the King) Lewis
  2. Brad "grunting counts as actual speech" Fittler
  3. Your Dad
  4. Plastic Jesus
  5. Doctor Who
  6. Ned Kelly
  7. Thomas Johnson
  8. Tutankhamen
  1. Kevin Rudd


Once inducted into the "immortals hall of fame", these special players are afforded the privileges of a staff car and dental plan. Andrew Johns is not allowed to be an immortal because he is from Cessnock.

Off the Field

It is a proven fact that most Rugby League players like to get drunk, have group sex, call black Rugby league players niggers or abuse women in their spare time. Characters such as Matthew Johns and other members of the Cronulla Nemos club were found to have had group sex with a New Zealand woman in 2002. Gross. Additionally, players such as Nate Myles, Willie Mason, Brett Seymour and many more have acted in terrible ways whilst under the influence. Myles, in fact, has been reported to have defecated in the corridor of the hotel he was at. He was publicly condemmned, but luckily satan is his lawyer. Greg Bird, a former Cronulla Nemos player, has also been charged for glassing his girl friend when she got too lippy. In 2010, Andrew Johns stood down as NSW Rugby league assistant coach after saying "What's good Nigga?! What's really good?" to Greg Inglis - a nigga of the Queensland rugby league side - when Johns was possessed by the Spirit of Colonel H Stinkmeaner. Johns also said this from 1999-2004 to fellow Newcastle Tin Men player Timana Tahu whenever they spoke before a game.

A Tool of Mind Control

As with all sports, Rugby League is basically an advertising vehicle, forcussed on dribbling idiots that speak english but do not speak english - if you follow me. The mindless unquestioning worship of the game and its logo-encrusted troglodyte participants is drilled into the public consciousness relentlessly by the media on behalf of their corporate masters. Convinced that they will be subjected to public ridicule by their peers for failure to follow the sport, the public dutifully line up for tickets. The game itself serves merely as a retarded distraction so that the advertising banners surrounding the field will have a stronger subliminal effect.

Club Premierships Notes
Auckland Worriers Should have at least 1, possibly less Uniforms made of pure wool
Brisbane My Little Ponies More than many. About 6. In bed with Uncle Rupert
Canberra Ass-rippers Were good in the late 80s, early 90s. Kind of like Guns N' Roses Politics is boring
Canterbury Terrorists Won the premiership while cheating the salary cap about 2000 times. Fans must be scanned for bombs and weapons upon entry to a stadium. drunk citizens in the community
Cronulla-Sutherland Nemos When dogs learn how to speak Ancient Greek (never) Strong hatred of St. George Dragqueens and Canterbury Puppies.
Eastern Suburbs Chickens Some, or maybe none. Nobody is sure because very few care. oldest team in nrl
Gold Coast Somethings Nobody cares, divided by zero. Team plans to fold at least twice through the season.
Manly-Warringah Pigeons Lets say 6. Everyone hates Manly. The reason they're called Manly is because they're a bunch of homos.
Melbourne Snowcones It's Melbourne, so a good few but lost them because citizens of New South Wales don't like Victoria being good at their sport. Won a record 3 seasons in a row ('06, '07, '08) while earning an impressive total of 0 points.
Newcastle Tin-Men 2 Not very good without Andrew Johns.
Chinatown Eels Probably about five. Everybody loves to hate the worms. The Devil's favourite team but he bets on everyone else.
Penrith Pussies About 2. I’ve got nothing
South Sydney Wankers The South Sydney Wankers enjoyed unrivalled success by winning 20 premierships but haven’t won one (or a game) since 1971 Despite this they’ve still attracted investments from international phone-throwing champion Mr. Russell Crowe. Training has since been kept strictly behind closed doors, same as the annual NRL rape-fest. Formerly known as the South Sydney Killer Rabbits, Bunnies & Brusiers.
St. George Dragqueens Won like a bajillion in a row yonks ago. Is like Elle McPherson, old but pleasing on the eye. Choke weekly. They have done shit since "Fucking Mark" Gasnier left. And now he's back!!!!! should go fuck themselves
North Queensland Brokeback Mountain Fuckwits None. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Will never win anything. Almost as bad as Cronulla but with arguably the best player in the world. The stadium's western stand is made up entirely of corporate boxes filled with semi-successful local construction workers and their loose daughters/wives. Peasants are only permitted access to the uncovered east stand and grass hills. Known for passionate supporters - attendance figures directly correlate with previous week's win/loss.
Wests White-Dicks Same colours as a tiger. Essentially a bunch of...wait for it.... pussies.
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