Rugby
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
This article refers to the sport of Rugby, Tossball, or Egg-Chasing. For the other kinds of rugby, see Rugby Union (real rugby) and Rugby League (bouncing off each others faces repeatedly).
“IT'S YOU'RE LITTLE PUSSY SPORT OF "AMERICAN" FOOTBALL ON STEROIDS, CRACK, AND BEER! TAKE OFF YOUR PADS AND HELMETS YA PUSSIES, PLAY SOME REAL TOUGH MAN SPORT!! AAAAAAAAARGHGHGH”
~ Overly aggresive Irish, British, and Australian drunks on the comparison between football and rugby
“Are you tellin' me there's two Rugbys? Like, is there any difference? Do they both cuddle each other and sniff arses during the game? Is this what the Melbourne Storm play?”
~ Anybody from the majority of Australian states who follow real football (Australian Rules) on Rugby Union and Rugby League
“There's only one Rugby and that's Rugby League”
“In fact rugby was my idea...”
~ Gridiron on rugby football
Why is rugby so gay? Rugby is a sport played predominantly by meathead faggots who will never amount to much in life, purely because they dont have time to do their hair before hand, rugby players notice how one bloke absolutly clobbers the jesus out of another then gets up and does it again.
Rugby was created in approx. 10 Million B.C. Invented by Colton Bailey-Ricci. Early forms of the game saw cavemen stealing dinosaur eggs and running back to their caves. This is represented in the game nowadays, as mainly people with low IQ and caveman tendencies participate in the sport.
People who play are very happy and tend to have the same square flat-faced look because of their heads being squashed in between various men's thighs. This has nothing to do with the fact that it takes no sort of physical fitness to play rugby and your coach does all the thinking for you; rather, it is that your WOW coaches force you to do intense training regimens such as doing 10 push-ups then going to Dairy Queen. So, join your local Rugby team today, it'll make you a better alien! This has worked for over 1,234,567,890 people!
Ben has sometimes been called the "penis licking" sport, mostly by American Football players, who are too fat to run for more than 3 seconds without a break. However, Rugby is one of the most intense sports in the world because of the skill, speed and pure chaos it involves.
The league for sensible naming of sports has tabled a motion to rename Rugby (or Rugby Football) Hand Egg. This motion was tabled because the League feel that the name Rugby or Rugby Football is unrepresentative of the actual game played. It is not exclusively played in Rugby, The majority of play does not use the feet, and the "ball" is clearly an egg.
"Rugby is not a South African official language. It was abolished after people realised that the sport is just a bunch of stupid fat low-IQ Afrikaans-speaking beer-drinking hoity-toity illiterates chasing an egg over perfectly good grass that someone took the time to maintain."
The sport has absolutely no logic behind it and is almost intolerable to watch, but many insist on watching, and watching it while drinking heavily (in fact, drinking is compulsory). Rugger (as it is known in Texas),
In Australia, it became too hot to wear the padding, plus the helmets made drinking beer harder, and so the labour movement of the country decided that if a man couldn't have a beer when he wanted, it would infringe on his civil liberties. The ball was egg-shaped as these were very cheap and ostriches left them lying all over the place. Rolf Harris is the most famous rugby player of Oz.
Soon the kiwis started getting involved, but due to their stubby wings, they found the game very hard to get to grips with. They still insist that they are the best in the whole wide world, mainly because no other team has wings. To prove this, they allow wild animals such as Wooden Lions to tour the country.
Eventually, Asia was allowed to join in because they had run out of wars to fight, and it became popular in the UK where lots more gays are allowed to play, such as Whales, Wasps, Sharks, Whelks and Tigers in the Six-Nations with France, who weren't very good at anything much, except running away from everything. When not working on world domination by getting everyone slammed, the Irish play rugby, but, as it is a sport (thus bearing no affiliation to potatoes), the Irish are crap at it. It is commonplace in Ireland to use a live cat as the ball and the first player to maim the animal is pronounced the winner. Various attempts to drop kick babies over the post forced matches between England and Ireland to be made illegal, players being sent to the jungles in South America to live in wooden huts and live off kangaroo testicles that were imported from a strange French country (like France, for instance). Eventually, these players came back from [South America] with Pumas, but the Rugby Union treats these cats like Shit.
Many provinces in Ireland play the sport. The Munster Juggernauts and the Leinster Highlights (No, not the reel). The two teams were drawn against each other in the European cup, but in the 4th minute a dispute broke out and for the rest of the allotted 80 minutes, the Munster and Leinster backs competed to see whose hair was the most over-highlighted and styled. Leinster were victorious in this encounter as they had Brian O'Driscoll in their squad. In the past Connaught and Ulster were believed to have played the sport, although no proof of this has been discovered.
Rugby union is considered brilliant by the English, because they like to see people beating the shit out of each other, possibly a psychological throwback to the ancient Roman circuses.
Rugby is quite possibly the gayest game on the planet. The object of the game is to run round in filth attempting to grab other boys who, like you, are dressed in the most appalling attire seen outside of gay pride parades. This consists of stubbies, long socks and a skin-tight shirt. For those not familiar with the disgusting spectacle that is rugby, it also involves multiple scrums. This is when a number of the players drop their stubbies and BUM each other in the middle of the field. Whichever team is done first is the winner.
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[edit] Scoring
Scoring in rugby happens in various crisps. One such way is to break the ball by kicking the ball at the people sitting in the stands watching in hopes of hitting one of them in the face thus causing the ball to break. Three points are awarded for a player if they successfully do this. However, the preferred way to score is by grabbing hold of the ball and jumping on it and fucking it like a Thai hooker. This is preferred because rugby players are deathly afraid of the white lines (cocaine excluded) which are on the field, believing that if they step on them they will contract white line fever, which will cause them to have an inexplicable desire to paint a white line on any and all objects they see, most commonly their elderly relatives. If a player is able to break the ball by jumping on it they are awarded three points for breaking the ball and an additional 4 points if they jump over a white line and avoid getting white line fever. A team automatically wins a match of rugby if they are able to Morris Dance for five minutes without any one member of the team being beaten to death with a shovel by an opposing player or spectator.
Points can also be scored by injuring players of the other team. If during a game you so strike a player on the other team that they bleed, your team receives one point for every pint of blood (rounded up), and the said player loses. To add to this, the player who is bleeding is kicked off the field for the disgrace of bleeding and must eat a whole jar of 5-year-old mayonnaise. If they cannot comply, body parts are removed, beginning with the organs of procreation. If you injure an opposing player to the extent that they cannot continue playing your team is awarded two points and another three points for every person that is needed to help the injured player off the field.
[edit] Rugby Positions
Front Row: Without a doubt the manliest men on the pitch. Large, often hairy, beer-swilling carnivores that can and will smash anything in their path. Revelling in the violence inherent in the scrum, they are rarely considered "nice" people, and in fact to some they aren't even considered humans at all. Front rowers tolerate this attitude far and wide because they recognize their role at the top of the food chain and are used to suffering the fools that surround them. Accused by some of simply being dumb, I prefer to think of this group as "open to unconventional ways of thinking."
Locks: Slightly below the front row on the food chain. As with front row players, it is inadvisable to put an appendage you wish to keep near this group's maw when they are in the feeding mode. This group of large, often foul-smelling brutes is also more than willing to relish the finer points of stomping on a fallen opponent's body, and will gleefully recount the tale 'ad infinitum'. While they tend to take the tag "Powerhouse of the Scrum" a little too seriously, they can be useful if inured with the proper hatred of their fellow man. While members of this proud fraternity like to think of themselves as "open to unconventional ways of thinking", they are usually just dumb.
Back Row: These are fine, fit fellows who, like a bunch of hermaphrodites, are confused as to what their role in life should be. While they know they are undeniably linked to the forwards, there are those among them who long for the perfect hair and long flowing gowns that come with being a back. Some relish the forward role and will do anything to win the ball, and there are others within this group that will break the prime directive of the forward and do anything to prance foolishly with the ball. Generally, these guys are not all bad, but I, personally, have to wonder about any forward who brings a hairbrush and a change of clothes to a game.
Scrum Half: Some like to think of this back as an honorary forward. I myself tend to think of the No. 9 as half a fairy. While the toughest back almost always fills this position, this idea is almost laughable - kind of like the hottest fat chick. The scrum half's presence is tolerated by the forwards because they know that he will spin the ball to the rest of the girls in the backline, who will inevitably knock the ball on and allow them the pleasure of another scrum. The No. 9 can take pride in the fact that he is the lowest numbered back and that as such he can be considered almost worthwhile.
Fly Half: His primary role is the leader of the backs - a dubious honour at best. The main responsibilities, as far as I can tell, are the ability to throw the ball over people's heads and to provide something soft for opposing back rowers to land on. Expected to direct the prancing of the rest of the backline, the fly half, like any good Broadway choreographer, is usually light on his feet. While some may argue that these girls must be protected, I find it hard to support anyone whose foot touches a rugby ball on purpose.
Centres: Usually come in two varieties: hard chargers or flitting fairies. The hard charger is the one to acquire, as he will announce his presence in a game with the authority rarely found above No. 8. The flitting fairy is regrettably more common, and will usually attempt to avoid contact at all costs. The flitting fairy is also only one good smack away from bursting into tears and leaving the pitch to cry on the shoulder of his inevitable girlfriend. Both types will have extensive collections of haircare products in their kit bags and will be among the best dressed at the post-game festivities.
Back 3: While some people refer to this group as two wingers and a fullback, I swear to God I can't make out any difference between them. They are all bleeping bleeps if you ask me. How these three guys can play 90 minutes of RUGBY and stay clean and sweat-free is beyond me. I know for a fact that their jerseys sometimes go back in the bag cleaner than when they came out. These ladies are fond of sayings like "Speed Kills" and "Wheels Win" - how cute. Well, I have a saying too: it's "You're a bleeping bleep!!" These guys will be easy to spot after the game because they are the finely coifed, sweater wearin', wine sippin', sweet-talkers in the corner avoiding the beer swilling curs at the bar. On the whole, I really don't mind this group because in the end, they sure are purty to look at.
To finish, all rugby players are monsters, not that that is a bad thing. However, you may want to be wary of playing the game if you are not interested in being trampled to death by a pack of beer-guzzling beasts.
[edit] Rugby League
- Main Article: Rugby League
Rugby League (or Rugby League of Extraordinary Gentlemen as it is more correctly known or "T'int non of that Soothern shite"), is the professional variation on Rugby, played mainly by Australians because it is easy to cheat at which suites them just fine.
[edit] Rugby Facts
- It takes leather Balls to play Rugby. (and in my case big balls)
- It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye... then it's a sport!
- It's a game played by something slightly resembling to humans with balls of steel.
- It is seen by a few, as a fighting game with an egg. Of course, these people will be taken and shot, many many times...
- Uline plays a variant of rugby utilizing a dead baby instead of a rubber ball.
- Bill Gates once thought he was playing rugby, but later realized he was attending a wine and cheese evening.
- It's a sport with a few similarities to American Football (thank fuck),,* In theory Rugby is a lot like soccer, with the obvious exception of the traditional rugby players being real and manly men and the ball being more oval in appearance, rather than spherical. the latter condition came about because John Howard was morally opposed to spherical balls for reasons best not discussed. Also, soccer is for nancy boys that do not like physical contact.
- The main difference between a Rugby player and a Football player is determined by what's between their legs. (And im not talking about their cups)
- Rugby was originally envisioned as a way for opposing nations to settle international disputes. This is why South Africa now control 100% of the worlds resources, because nobody is better than them.
- Rugby is a game for people who do not have enough skill for any other sport but do have abit of speed and a desire to touch other men in the scrum position.
- The Term "Bringing up the Rear" derives from Rugby.
- South Africa where banned from playing in the first 2 World Cups because they where just too damn good.
- There is an award for the worst rugby player on the team. It is called the Andrew Carlos Award hey you in the bushes
- The collective noun for a group of rugby players is a "gaggle"
[edit] Styles Of Play
There are various stles of play. Teams like New Zealand and Wales play exciting running rugby with the emphasis on tries. Teams like France prefer to send us to sleep and sneak in while we're not watching. Scotland pretend to play really badly until they play England when they suddenly become rather good-ish....Ah, then there's the English themselves. England don't tend to play rugby, rather they give the ball to Jonny "Jesus" Wilkinson to kick every single ball and then after he's scored a few penalties, claim they've thrashed the opposition. Of course, if all of these styles fail, you could always try the Italy tactic - lose, lose a lot.
[edit] Tournaments
There are various tournaments competed in by the various Egg-Chasers of the world. There are only 10 good International teams and 6 of them compete in the aptly named Six Nations each year. This tournament is normally won by the post-Gareth Jenkins inconsistent Wales, send-to-sleep French and Jonny "Jesus" Wilkinson's cocky bunch (I won't name them, you'll be scarred). In the southern hemisphere the Tri-Nations is contested by New Zealand, Australia and South Africa. The tenth team in the bunch, Argentina, were rejected from this for using the terrible tactic, "Feet of God" too much. This unsporting display is not allowed by Eggchasers anywhere.
There is also the World Cup. This is generally a racial farce that causes controversy somewhere.
[edit] School Rugby
[edit] British Public School Rugby
Rugby has been long associated with British Public Schools containing posh children, most notably Rugby School which is where the game was invented. The game is generally known in these establishments as Rugger, and the players as Rugger Buggers - bugger being a popular extra-curricular activity in Public Schools, with the exception of Westminster School, where it forms an important part of the syllabus. Famous school teams include Tonbridge and Derby Grammar School. All Public School Rugby teams are driven on ultimately improving their game and producing high levels of banter amongst the lads (with Tonbridge school holding the world banter championship for the last 12 years having secured it from Melbourne School after a deep banterrific discussion about dinosaurs). A perfect example of a 'standard'(rugby slang for exceptional) Public school rugby team is the Tiffin first XV, who have developed new advances in technique used to deliver after-match shower hand-relief and regular bum love. Throughout the season, they managed to remain sassy, while upholding the minimum standards of twatlike behaviour. Common chatter along the sidelines include such phrases as; "Are you serious, blad?"- in n indian accent - (when questioning the ref's call). But all of these schools can be shown up by the legendary australian and GPS school- ST Joeys college of Hunter's Hill,Sydney, who have won upwards of 52 premierships and been ranked in the top two postitions for 98 of the 112 GPS seasons played
[edit] American College Rugby
A bunch of drunk assholes who have failed at American football attempting to emulate the rest of the world. In these teams there are generally at least 7 players who would be considered "Front row forwards" due to America's ever worsening obesity problems.
[edit] Media Coverage
The BBC appear to rely on their rugby games usually because they don't have enough money to buy football contracts so they have to look for other sports. ITV don't appear to be bothered as they have bought basically every right for football and seem content with their Formula 1 package.
The BBC hoped the public would all watch the Six Nations so they could make money but unfortunately for them they only managed a viewing figure of 14 for England's first game against Ireland which finished 2-877 to the Irish. Discontent, the BBC agreed to dress up as Irish morris dancers to appeal to the Irish public. The Ireland game against Scotland generated a global audience of 32 and subsequently the Six Nations contract was terminated due to "lack of global interest".
The BBC went on to get the television rights of Wimbledon.
[edit] British Comprehensive School Rugby
In British Comprehensive Schools, Rugby is usually known as 'fighting' except unlike common American fighting, it involves balls and being able to add two different (non-sequential) numbers together. It was seen as an ideal opportunity for boys to get muddy and the teachers to join them having showers afterwards. Hence the name of 'buggerby' evolved.
[edit] Scr(ot)um
The Scrum was invented in India in the early 1500's, where both men and woman locked heads as a sexual activity. It was one of the earliest Kama Sutra orgies of the Indian culture, but was ruled from the book as it often resulted in death. It is a popular sexual ritual that the New Zealanders partake in once ever 4 yrs.
Due to the possibility of contracting AIDS in a scrum, the activity is now illegal in South Africa, Italy and Wales, but is actively encouraged in France. Some underground nightclubs are thought to exist that are organised specifically for scrumming and the transaction of AIDS. Some evidence exists that scrumming with babies can cure AIDS.
[edit] Rugby Traditions
[edit] Drinking
Commonly known as "Drink Ups." The whole reason why people play this sport. It's the only sport known to man that kicks the crap out of the other team and then drinks with them afterwards. They also have songs they sing, which adds another reason to why Rugby is played by homosexuals.
[edit] Singing
They sing songs about mary jane, dead babies, fucking the queen, hookers, shakespeare, cumquats, pussy, and even Jesus! You name it they probably have a song about it! If one messes up a line from one of these songs they have to "Shoot the Boot" which is when someone takes off their fungal infested shoe and pours beer into it which then has to be drank by the idiot that screwed up the song. Here's the kicker, you mess up the song again, you have to do what they call an "Anal Chug." This includes a person pulling down their pants, and another person pouring their beer down their ass crack into a cup. Then, that same dumb person has to drink the beer. Yum!
[edit] Scoring
Whenever you score your first try out on the field you have to do what Rugby players call a "Zulu." This was invented by the South Africans because of their lack of clothing, hence the word. This is where a person strips down naked and takes a lap around the field, in a house, around the block, where ever, all the while having people pour their beer on you. If you're lucky enough to score three tries in one game then you get to do a "Landshark" (not to be confused with that disgusting beer that tastes like piss). This is where you strip down naked again and someone sticks a piece of cardboard in your bum and sets it on fire. Then, you have about 4 or 5 people carry you all around while people throw beer on you.
[edit] See also
[edit] Videos
Barmy British Stuff 
