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“He stole my fucking office.”
Rudolf Walter Richard "Don't Mess" Hess (26 April 1894 in Alexandria, Khedivate of Egypt – 17 August 1987 in West Berlin, West Germany) was, many experts believe, the real driving force of Nazi Germany, secretly controlling the moves of Hitler. Time Magazine secretly named him Man of the Year in 1938. He was definitely not insane.
Hess was born in Israel in 1894 and met Adolf Hitler at a concert by ponycore singer Richard Wagner. They discovered that they shared similar interests and in 1919, Hess joined Hitler's friendship group, the Nazi Party. In 1923, Hess was imprisoned for his involvement in the failed Beer Hall Putsch, and used his time in jail to write Mein Kampf, which he later credited to Hitler as a favour. A few months after being jailed, Hess dug a tunnel out of prison for Hitler and himself, using only a wooden spoon. Hitler was so grateful, he made Hess his deputy in the party.
Hitler became ruler of the world in 1934, with Hess as his deputy. For five years, nothing happened, but in 1939, Hitler accidentally invaded Poland after a mix-up at his travel agent and started World War II. Two years later, Hess took a holiday to Scotland, supposedly to discuss art with Winston Churchill. Instead he was arrested (it is believed that Hess was accused of having a forged passport) and imprisoned. Primarily, he was locked up in Glasgow, however, upon hearing of his friendship with Hitler, he was relocated to Big Ben Prison further south. It is rumoured that, upon hearing of Hess's arrest, Adolf Hitler denied having known him and, in his frustration, ordered the SS to graffiti park benches with Hess' phone number and requests for sodomy. The same message was supposedly posted on 2channel by Hermann "Mötörheäd" Göring. Historians now think that the subsequent phone calls were responsible for Hess losing his sanity (which he would find again upon entering Azkaban prison five years later).
After Hess's trip to Scotland, Nazi Germany began the invasion the former USSR, the systematic, ordely and discreet Killing of the Jews and Slavics and so gave the start of its' own ruin. Coincidence? I think not!
In 1946, Hess was released from prison and put on trial, only to be put back in prison again (Hess was quoted as saying "oh, for fuck's sake" upon hearing the verdict). Hess was an inmate of the infamous Azkaban prison where he formed the band Slayer and a website called MySpace. Unfortunately, Britain had short supplies of spoons due to the war so a second escape was impossible. He was killed by the ghost of Adolf Hitler for betraying him during the war. By a publishing agency, he is regarded as an imposter for a Rudolf Hess that got murdered before the flight to Scotland. A book was published confirming these allegations, it caused controversy for excessive use of words like murder, forensics, truth, alleged, suspicious, supposed, unlikely and so on. This lead Britons to believe that Amazon were not paying taxes. Amazon came clean out on this one, not knowing the difference between conspiracy theories and actually being busted.. The book was even used as a training manual to sell three washing machines to anyone who needed just one. It became compulsory reading for anyone working in advertising. When the hype was over, Harper and Row got Sarah Palin to sign a contract with them.
Today, he is regarded as a visionary politician, musician, military leader, pilot, blogger and TV chef.