Rudolf Abel

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Rudolfshades

Rudolph Abel, the pimp o'the 70's.

Colonel Rudolf Costanova "Ladiesman" Abel (1903-1971), or just Rudolf Abel, was a russian spy, colonel and star pimp from the United Kingdom, although he spent most of his life in the USSR. He has gathered widespread acclamation for his massive collection of american postcards he gathered during his career as a spy.

Bouncywikilogo5
For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Rudolf Abel.

Though most regard him as a successful spy, Rudolf was actually one of the greatest pimps who ever lived. Most of his life was spent in the Soviet Union, from where he managed Abel Ladies, his massive whorehouse / strip club / bar company. In his late years his estimated net worth was of 15.000.000.000$, one of the largest net worths of the 70's. He never got married and had only one son, a 20 year-old black man he recieved from FedEx on his 55th birthday with a note reading "He's your fucking problem now, you son of a bitch." However, this man moved out at age 35 and his current whereabouts are unknown.

edit Early Life and Career

Rudolf was born William Arthur Fisher in the UK to immigrant russian parents, one of which was Heinrich Fisher, the leader of the Newcastle prisoner uprising. Fisher and his brother, Henry, won awards in several prestiged schools in the UK, the United States and Australia, making a name for themselves as monumental nerds.

When he turned 21 William fled to the USSR following the Russian Revolution, immediatly changing his name to Rudolf Costanova Abel. In his book, Chronicles of an anglo-russian pimp, he says he changed names because of the confusion between him and William Randolph Hearst, with whom he had a long-standing feud. Fluent in polish, russian, english and japanese, Rudolph applied for a job at the KGB. He was assigned a job as a translator, and got his own little office which he filled with posters of half-nude russian women and Iron Man.

edit Work as a spy

Rudolf quickly rose in the ranks of the KGB, and he was soon being trained to infiltrate the United States during the Cold War. In 1946 Rudolf headed to Germany, boarding a plane to America. He dressed up in what the USSR regarded as traditional american clothing: a stars and stripes tophat, along with a matching suit.

Rudolf fit in perfectly, and managed to gather a ton of information about Harry S. Truman and the current developments on the country's weapons of mass destruction. He remained in the United States until 1967, when he was dispatched back to the USSR to reveal gathered info. He required two seats on the airplane due to massive weight gain, because a diet solely based on McDonald's and Wendy's isn't for the weak of body. He retired in 1970 after a ten-year liposuction program, during which he built his empire of whorehouses across the USSR.

edit Life as a Pimp and Death

Housecondemned

Abel's first building-turned-whorehouse, "The Badger Minge" ("Бадгер Минг").

Between 1967 and 1970 Rudolf contacted several whorehouse owners across the USSR and, using his newly acquired fortune from the espionage programs he had been a part of, bought an estimated 100.000.000$ worth of whorehouses, strip clubs and bars (This major operation is suspected to have been financed by the Russian Government, although all claims have been denied by Vladimir Putin). After supplying on women from all over the world, he opened up his emporium under the name "Abel's Ladies" and later "Costanova Stripping Ltd." and made a bunch of money from all of his establishments in the USSR.

During his last year of life he supplied on KFC and McDonald's and shut himself in his mansion in Mongolia, managing his company through a gargantuan screen he kept on his living room. He lived the rest of his life in enclosure with his private prostitute Bill Clinton and his empire granted him the nickname "Ladiesman", even though he was a fat fuck who couldn't get a wife if his life depended on it. He died in 1971 at the age of 68 from a heart attack.

edit Legacy

Rudolf is regarded as "the pimpest pimp on earth" by some and is a rolemodel to several aspirant russian spies. His emporium, Abel's Ladies, is the 13th largest pimp company on earth nowadays, and the 5th largest ever during its peak of activity. Its current management is unknown, however Tony Stark is the suspected owner. His mega collection of postcards gathered throughout the United States was recently bought on e-bay for 50.000$ by Mickey Mouse.

edit See also

Personal tools
projects